Probe: I Know Who Killed Me

I Know Who Killed Me
It's Name Is "Hollywood"

On the day that I watched "I Know Who Killed Me" the Razzie "Winners" were announced. Oddly enough, the two movies that won my Razzie Poll were the big winners of the event. I already wrote a post displaying who won, but after watching this movie, I have to say that "IKWKM" really wasn't THAT bad.

It's just a bit annoying. And this movie wants you to know that there is some deep symbolism within the movie so every single frame of the movie hits you over the head saying "HEY! CHECK THIS OUT!! OVER HERE!!" and we're suppose to be like "Hmm...yes. I see."

What I found annoying about this movie is the overuse of the color blue. Then later it's red. Every fuckin' scene in this movie there's blue everywhere, then red, and even (hold on to your hats) a combination of both!! Oddly enough, there wasn't any purple in the movie (if you combine red and blue). I think I sort of understood the use of the two colors, but it was used in every goddamn scene so it just got irritating.

I'm gonna be honest and say that I don't remember this movie being out in theaters. I don't recall one single trailer or TV spot for it. I heard about it, then next thing I know it's nominated for a Razzie. I guess this movie sucked THAT badly that it went from theater to DVD in less then a week.

"IKWKM" starts in a stripclub and Lindsey Lohan walks out, ever so slowly, and starts...non-stripping. Yes, this is an actual strip club cause we see other chicks with tits all over the place, but Lindsey is like "No one sees me naked unless they see it accidently as I drive around, drunk and passed out!"

Lindsey is dancing and she's sliding down a pole when there's blood streaks on the pole. I'm gonna mention that I kinda liked the song used (Called "Step On Inside" by Vietnam) during this opening. It all comes to an end and we go to a classroom where Lindsey is now standing in front of a class, reading. Oddly enough, she's not reading her latest police record, but a story that she wrote.

We find out her name is Aubrey and she loves nothing more then writing. This is very, very, VERY, important later on. Aubrey likes this one kid named Jared who's a football player and we start getting blue overload when he gives her a blue rose. While they talk and laugh and love, we see a bulletin board littered with fliers of missing girls.

Aubrey is at home on her APPLE LAPTOP while listening her APPLE IPOD (I have one of those so I can't complain too much) writing a story. Need I mention that her ENTIRE room is painted blue? And there's blue stuff all over the place.

In another "remember this" moment, Aubrey is taking piano lessons by some dude with a BLUE ring on his finger. I guess she's suppose to be in some piano playing competition but it really don't figure into the plot too much so we'll scratch it. Oh and I'm disturbed by their cat. It's one of those hairless ugly ass things and dear lord Jesus look at its bal...nevermind. I'm stopping right there.

I will mention, however, that her family seemed to have hired the worlds creepiest landscaper. I think this was suppose to make us think he's this killer that's going around and I wouldn't doubt it, but it was way-y-y too easy, even for this movie.

To get this out of the way, we're later introduced to a creepy-looking cop that keeps looking at Aubrey (and the other "Aubrey" that pops up later in the movie), and everyone else all weird and creepy like but he never figures into anything either.

During class, Jared is trying to feel up Aubrey and despite being played by Lindsey Lohan, she's all prudish. It's like Michael Bay had a hand in creating this character. Some dude comes into the class and tells the teacher something and when she reacts loudly, she's forced to tell the class what happened: one of the missing girls was found dead and she went to that school.

With all of the "remember this shit" stuff set up, we go to Aubrey going to the school's football game, where they give a moment of silence for the dead chick. Not even 10 seconds goes by before the announcer more or less says "ANYWAY! LETS KICK SOME ASS!!!"

Oh and guess what? The school's colors is blue. Just blue. So every-fucking-thing in this scene is blue: the teams jerseys, the mascot, the cheerleaders, probably even the food was dyed blue. The game ends and now all the students are walking the streets celebrating their victory. Aubrey looks for Jared and she finds him but instead of going directly to him, she finds the creepy landscaper nearby. So instead of continuing her journey to Jared she just...stops.

It fades out (it seriously fades to blue) and back in and one of Aubrey's friends is looking for her and-HOLY FUCKING SHIT ON TOAST AUBREY'S FRIEND IS LONELYGIRL15!! WTF??? She became famous for doing a crappy Youtube show and she ends up in THIS? Really??

Oh, right. So Aubrey is missing. We see her waking up on a table in some creepy "Saw"-like room and should I even mention that the killer is wearing blue gloves? The killer opens up a cooler where blocks of ice are and this causes Aubrey to scream. OH NOES!! Don't make me cold!!!

Ok, I'm being an ass. Something with the ice does cause her some harm. More on that later.

So pretty much whenever a hot white maybe rich girl goes missing, the entire town gets in on the act and the F.B.I is called in. They set up shop in a church basement for some reason. I guess wherever this takes place doesn't have a police station? HEY! Maybe the church also acts like a police station?

Back to Aubrey and we see what the ice is doing to her: it's giving her frostbite. I'm sorry, but this is stupid. A serial killer that gives you frost bite? And it's not like he doesn't have knives or blades and doesn't like to use them. Cause later, he does. The filmmakers decided to get a bit graphic on us and show the skin peeling away on the ice when it's pulled off.

Eventually, the killer uses the blades and knives and other stuff on Aubrey and when she's alone, she attempts to grab one. Fade to blue.

Now we're on some road and some chick with WAAAAY too much collagen in her lips is driving while yelling into a cellphone. Some fox randomly jumps out in the road, causing Collagen Mary to skid out of control. She's ok but in the biggest fucking coincidence in the entire world, she happens to skid RIGHT IN FRONT OF the broken left-for-dead body of Aubrey!

She's at the hospital and when she wakes up, she asks a nurse what hospital she's in. Instead of answering, she simply says "I'll get the doctor". I guess she doesn't know what hospital she works for? Soon, Aubrey's parents are bought in and they're happy to see her alive. But there's one problem. Aubrey says her name isn't Aubrey! GASP!!

And this is pretty much the meat of the movie, this Aubrey chick saying she isn't Aubrey after she was brutally disfigured. She doesn't have a leg and her hand is gone. The F.B.I wants some questions on who the killer is so they decide to send in the President from the last two seasons of "24" to be a psychiatrist and get to the bottom of things.

She tells President 24 that her name is Dakota and she's a stripper, her mom was a crackhead who O.D, and she has no idea who this Aubrey chick is. Oh and since we're at it, Aubrey's dad is played by the lawyer dude on "Boomtown". I dunno if anyone remembers that show. It was pretty good. It's like a cop drama but it's told from different-

Oh, yeah, sorry. So everyone just thinks Aubrey created this personality to hide from the pain and suffering she went through and she's not being very helpful cause she keeps going on and on about how she's a stripper and goes into details about her stripper life.

I'm also gonna mention that anytime we flashback to Dakota's life, everything is red. She even wears red. A lot. And during her scenes in the "Aubrey" world, there's hints of red and blue in the background. It's enough to make you wanna slap this director in the head repeatedly with a David Lynch script. And considering how long his movies are, I'm sure that'll be pretty heavy.

There's an artificial limb technician who's played by Crabman in "My Name is Early". Man, what's with all the getting minor characters (except for the President) from TV shows and putting them in this movie. Dakota learns how to use her robot hand and leg and is sent on her merry way back to Aubrey's house.

Oh and in the middle of the movie, there are scenes where Dakota is wearing a red top and blue pants, or blue top and red pants. I GET IT!! WE GET IT!! STOP!! JUST STOP!!!! So Dakota is trying to fit into Aubrey's "perfect" world and makes herself at home. Her house is under constant police watch since the killer might discover that his last victim isn't really dead.

Jared shows up (in a yellow car, I'm sure this doesn't symbolize anything, except that he's a big pussy? I dunno) and of course Dakota doesn't know who he is. And of course he brings more BLUE roses. When Jared insists that Dakota is Aubrey, she starts making out with him, almost even grinding in his lap. But Aubrey's Mom walks in and gets flustered. Dakota tells Jared to go upstairs into her room and he follows. And what follows next is so jaw droopingly hilarious, uncomfortable, and stupid all rolled into one.

Basically, Dakota and Jared have sex and it's really loud sex and Aubrey's Mom can hear it downstairs. Since she's trying to let Aubrey get out this Dakota personality, she doesn't do or say anything about this, except scrub the kitchen sink until the enamel is chipping off. I'm all for letting your daughter get over her trauma but when she's opening fucking guys right above your head, I think you let it go a bit too far. That's just me though.

And of course, Lindsey doesn't get completely nude for this. Even when we think she did, we get a quick glimpse of her wearing a strapless bra before hiding under covers. Jared wants to know why Aubrey is making up this Dakota personality and he doesn't have an answer when she asks him if Aubrey never fucked him before, why would she start now? We then get a story on how Dakota's limbs started falling off.

She was in the shower when she noticed one of her fingers looks rather frostbitten. She bandages it up and moves on with her life. Then we get recycled footage from the opening credits and see that the blood on the pole is related to her fingers being frozen off. Backstage, she passes out from loss of blood and she takes her finger and goes home.

She's sitting on a bus, holding her bloody hand when a helpful stranger reminds her to keep her hand up over her heart. I think this was suppose to be deep and profound but it came off as fake, cause what stranger on a bus is gonna act all cool about some chick bleeding all over the place on a bus? And what bus driver is gonna be cool about that too?

Anyway, back in the present, Dakota says she needs a favor and next scene it jumps to Jared running out to his car and trying to start it but it won't. Then he gets out and asks all the cops if they have a condom. They all laugh and make fun of him and like "No, man" so he runs back inside. A minute later, he's taking Aubrey's car (yes, it's blue) and drives away.

Turns out Dakota hid inside the trunk and Jared took her to the previous victim's house. I swear to you, this entire scene is so utterly pointless I have no idea why it was included in the final cut. It just had Dakota talking to the dead girls parents, the mom yelling at Dakota, Dakota rummaging through the dead girls stuff, and Aubrey's parents finding her there. That's it.

In between, Dakota has weird visions, or dreams, of owls and water flowing and flowers and remembering being on the table while being tortured. And the cops took a look inside Aubrey's computer and found a story by her called "Dakota" about a stripper with a crack head mother. Hmmm...

Now that Dakota (and us) are throughly confused, she decides to get some answers from the best source in the entire world: THE INTERNET!

Through some investigating, she finds a thing called stigmatic twins which is a condition where one thing happens to one twin and the other twin experiences it as well, including body wounds and even death. Dakota watches a video on this hosted by Art Bell. Why him, I don't know. And he's smoking during this.

With this answer, Dakota comes to the conclusion that she is Aubrey's twin. She tells Aubrey's Mom this and she shows her the ultrasound from when she was pregnant and indeed inside is one fetus. Here is where the entire movie falls apart cause nothing makes any sense.

While looking at the ultrasound, Aubrey's Mom tells Dakota a story about how she fell down while pregnant and got rushed to the doctor to make sure the baby was ok. When the baby kicked, they knew it was alright. During this story, Aubrey's Dad is just lurking in the background.

Dakota goes back to Aubrey's room and while she's trying to reach for some trophy, she gets a weird LSD trip of her room being turned into a forest and there's more visions of owls, trees, and water and other stuff. This causes Dakota to run to Aubrey's Dad and accuse him of switching babies or some thing, which doesn't make sense. I mean...how is some random crackhead girl gonna give birth to some chick that looks exactly like Aubrey? If it was implied that Aubrey's Dad got it on with the crackhead chick and impregnated her too, that's even stupider cause then that means both the wife and crackhead gave birth at the exact same time? Ugh, I'm getting a headache thinking about this.

Dakota is convinced that Aubrey is still alive and runs over to the grave of the girl that was last murdered. There, she figures it all out somehow. Aubrey's Dad find hers there and this gives Dakota to say the wonderful catchphrase "I know who killed me". Um, I thought YOU weren't killed? So this doesn't make any damn sense. She shows Aubrey's Dad some ribbon from some dude named Douglas and he's like "Son of a bitch!" Who's Douglas? Did he finally give in to his murderous thoughts and murder Patti Mayonnaise? Honk-honk!
So Aubrey's Dad and Dakota are driving to some house, which I guess is Douglas' house. In the meantime, Dakota's having some vision of the killer putting a glass coffin in the ground. Guess what color the coffin is? Yep. They arrive at the house and Aubrey's Dad vanishes. Dakota decides to check it out and almost instantly she stupidly makes a lot of noise. The killer, this Douglas, think it's an animal and moves on.

Eventually Dakota finds a knife and when Douglas attacks, she successfully cuts off his hand. He runs off and Dakota finds Aubrey's Dad dead on a table. Douglas sneaks up behind her and knocks her out. When she comes to, she's tied up to a post and Douglas is upstairs and Douglas is...the piano teacher!!

Why is he the killer? What motive does he have for doing this? None of this is explained. But he's pissed that he can't play, or even teach, piano anymore. But none of that is gonna matter in a little bit. Douglas goes back to Dakota, thinking it's Aubrey, and says he's gonna finish killing her. What he doesn't know is Dakota got free and stabs the shit out of Douglas.

Instead of falling down dead, he walks around all causal, like this is some musical and he's about to sing a 20 minute opera about being stabbed. But he finally falls down dead. So now one final piece of this stupid puzzle needs to be found: is Aubrey really in that blue casket?

Dakota runs off to the woods and finds the spot Douglas was digging and guess what? Indeed Dakota and Aubrey are two different people. Hear that sound? That's the sound of my brain exploding because this don't make fucking sense. HOW could there be twins? HOW?? And why do I give a shit? The movie's over, with Aubrey also missing a leg and a hand, but gains a slutty twin sister...that fucked her boyfriend. Uh-oh, I sense drama in the future.

Like I said, this movie isn't that bad. And there's only the one scene where Lindsey Lohan recalls "The Parent Trap" by being next to herself, so that one category in the Razzies about playing against herself as "WORST SCREEN COUPLE" is complete bullshit. The only bad thing about this movie is the stupid symbolism that runs throughout the movie. It's like Aubrey=blue and Dakota=red. Ok, fair enough, no need to remind us every second. Lindsey isn't that bad of an actress but I don't think she tried very hard in this movie. She was all like "Whatever, I'm not Aubrey, I'm Dakota" and decides to smoke and fuck a lot.

With that said, I wonder if I have a stigmatic twin, who every Sunday gets a headache and having horrible flashes of bad movies? That would be kinda cool. I'd feel sorry for him, but cool none-the-less.