| Norbit *head desk* |
| "Norbit" is a movie starring Eddie Murphy.
That should be the entire review because frankly, this movie made my fucking head explode and if I attempt to make any damn sense out of what I saw I think the universe is going to just implode, which is much cooler in my opinion. True story. Yesterday I went to get the two movies needed for the Razzie Weekend and on my way back home, I was on the phone with my friend, and Mass Invasion writer, Adam. I told him that I need to be careful crossing the street cause I didn't wanna get hit and die and be found with "Norbit" in my possession. Then everyone thinks that I was in a hurry to watch it and in my honor, they give "Norbit" a Best Picture of the Century award at the Oscars. I'm glad I survived so that doesn't happen. I'm going to say right now that the idiots that run the Razzies got it all wrong. Sure, it won it's fair share of Razzies, but it didn't get Worst Picture, which went to I Know Who Killed Me. After spending an entire weekend with both movies, it's safe to say: NORBIT IS SOOOOOOO MUCH FUCKING WORSE THEN I "KNOW WHO KILLED ME"!!! After "Norbit", I'm tempted to go back to my review of "IKWKM" and give it five fuckin' stars. I just can't grasp the notion that a movie this bad even exists. That literally thousand of people were involved in the making of this. That Eddie and Charlie Murphy teamed up with two other people, wrote a "script" full of horrible racist and fat humor, showed it to some other guy or guys, and those guys were like "HELLS YES!! Let's get this AWESOME movie rolling!!" How do I even begin this? I'm not that bad of a writer, but I don't think I'm good enough to put into words how painful and terrible this piece of shit is. Well, let's try to start with a positive. They got Rick Baker to do the prosthetics. If you're not familiar with the name, he did the make-up effects for, well, every damn movie in existence. Just to name a few he did "Star Wars" (all of them), "An American Werewolf In London", the Michael Jackson video for "Thriller", and even "How The Grinch Stole Christmas". I would lament on how he got roped into doing such a horrible movie, but I see he's done other bad movies, including "The Incredible Melting Man", and "Squirm", which were featured on "Mystery Science Theater 3000". And it appears this isn't the first film he applied fat latex to Eddie Murphy. He also did "Life" and both "Nutty Professor" films. And speaking of "Nutty Professor", I blame every single person that went, AND LOVED, those movies for this monstrosity that lays before me. Cause people for some fucking reason are retarded for Eddie Murphy in fat suits, playing loud black women. Ok, I stalled enough. Let's get on with the "story" as it were. We start off in 1968 on a dark road somewhere and Norbit is narrating his life story. He talks about his parents abandoning him at Mr. Wong's Chinese Food & Orphanage. Personally, I'd be leery of putting my child in a place that specializes in both, especially if the place has a history of "missing children." If you think that's a wrong thing to say, don't ever watch this movie, cause they say, and do, things 20 times worse. So Norbit's parents literally throw Baby Norbit out of a car window and speed away. Since this is a light-hearted "comedy", the baby is unharmed and we're suppose to find this funny, dammit! Mr. Wong, also played by Eddie Murphy, channels the spirit of Pat Morita, and declares Norbit to be an ugly black baby. After saying that no one's gonna adopt a black baby, even an ugly one, I contemplate suicide for the first time ever in my life. Mr. Wong takes Norbit in and we see him growing up in the Chinese Restaurant/Orphanage. To make a LOOOONG story short, Norbit meets with a little girl named Kate and they become friends. They get pretend married under a tree and Norbit for once in his life feels like he's loved by someone. Until that love gets adopted by people who don't think it's strange for a man to run both a restaurant and an orphanage. So now Norbit is alone and he grows up and goes to school, where he's teased a lot. Enter child Rasputia, who kicks the bullies ass, and declares herself Norbit's girlfriend. Norbit, with low self esteem issues, agrees. Rasputia has three "older" brothers who are protective of her and they don't treat Norbit kindly. In fact, most of the characters in this movie don't treat Norbit kindly, which is confusing since he's suppose to be a nice guy and everyone seems to like him enough. They just like to make fun of him anyway. Later on, Norbit and Rasputia eventually get married and the first bit of "humor" that I actually laughed at arrives here when we see Norbit and Rasputia attempt to have sex a bunch of times, with Norbit and Rasputia dressing up for different occasions. I know, this sounds so super disturbing, especially since Rasputia is also played by Eddie Murphy and seeing a guy in fat drag getting it on with his skinny alter ego is enough to keep you awake at night for the next 15 years or so. But it was funny cause Norbit was dressed up like Abe Lincoln and he weakly said "Happy President's Day" before getting plowed by Rasputia. Either it really was funny or my brain needed to laugh at something before I drink this bleach. Eventually the sex part ends and we get into the basic story which is Norbit is slowly becoming unhappy with his marriage. He finally has had enough when Rasputia is caught having sex with some "power tap" instructor, played by Marlon Wayans. To add more plotpoints, Rasputia's brother run some construction place where they bully and strong arm all the local businesses into paying them "protection" money. They offer Mr. Wong some money to buy his place but Mr. Wong wipes his ass with a piece of paper and threatens to harpoon them. This really happens. So back to Norbit and his marital problems, after catching Rasputia in bed with a coked-up Marlon Wayans and she chases Norbit all over the neighborhood cause he called her a slut, he pulls off his wedding ring and throws it in the garbage. You'd think that would be the end, but nope. We still got 300 more hours of movie to go, so bend over Abigail Mae, here comes the gravy spout! While performing a puppet show at the orphanage (or maybe it was for the restaurant?), grown up Kate shows up and talks to Norbit, who falls back in love with her. They agree to have lunch on Tuesday. I know it was Tuesday cause the only lines of dialogue from this point until the lunch date is Norbit saying "Tuesday". It's finally fuckin' Tuesday and Norbit meets Kate and...her fiancee Dion, played by Cuba Gooding, Jr. After being in this, and other countless stupid movies, I'm surprised the Academy didn't revoke his Oscar yet. Norbit is disappointed, but hey, he left his wife, right? Remember, he threw his wedding ring out? Well...no. That only makes sense in a world where "Norbit" doesn't exist. Instead, they're still married and everyone acts like she didn't totally cheat on him. Things get much, much worse when Rasputia and Norbit is driving and she sees the neighbor's dog that she doesn't like at all and decides to run it over. Now, you think that since this is, if you kinda sort of in a way think about it, suppose to be a family film, they would've had the dog run away unhurt. But no. This movie wants us to hate it. I think cause it knew it was evil and needed all the attention it could get, so they made horrible things happen so we can go "Oh my!" and spend thousand of hours talking about how horrible... Hm. Yes, the same thought occurred to me too. Here I am spending hours talking about it. Damn it. Anyway, she runs over the damn dog but thankfully it isn't dead. Norbit realizes how evil Rasputia is and for the second time leaves her. As he's out the door, Rasputia does the typical bitchy woman thing and says she's pregnant. Since she cheated, I would've assumed it wasn't Norbit's, but he thinks it is and gets back with her. The next day, week, whatever I don't care, there's a carnival and Kate is there. Rasputia immediately picks up that Kate and Norbit wanna hook up but that's not gonna happen. Then the scene you probably saw in the trailers with Norbit and Kate dancing and Rasputia pushing a speaker on Norbit's head happens here. There's another scene where Dion is talking to someone on the phone that sounds like some secret affair he's having but nothing ever comes out of that, so I don't get why it was even included. Anyway, cause of the speaker to the head, Norbit ends up in the hospital. He sees an ad in the hospital for some background check thingy and he remembers it. I'm not sure if I'm alone on this but I thought he was doing a background check on Rasputia, which I found weird since he knew her most of his life and he seems to know that her and her large brothers seem to run the town. More on this later. Kate visits him and talks him into going to the water park with the kids from the orphanage on "Saturday". I point this out cause of something that happens later. Norbit eventually agrees and on this "Saturday" he's trying to sneak out but Rasputia catches him and he's forced to tell the truth. Rasputia, suspecting he's going to go with Kate, invites herself to the water park. And this is pretty much the other famous scene from the trailer. Everything from Rasputia lifting up her fat to show her bikini bottom to talking about her and Norbit's sex life to Kate, and finally, the part where she goes down the water slide. If you thought it looked horrible in the trailer, it's much worse when you see it played out. Dion, who really don't like kids, is leaving town. Rasputia's brothers find out that Kate and Dion are in town to buy the restaurant and orphanage from Mr. Wong, who is retiring soon. They want to take the orphanage over and turn it into a strip club called...eh I don't remember now. It was a stupid name. Like Titopolis or something. They confront Dion and agree to make him a partner if he stays with Kate, marries her, and then takes the orphanage from her and help turn it into a strip club. He agrees to this. So later, Dion asks Kate to bump the wedding up until..."Saturday". The same Saturday as the water park? I thought this was Saturday. I guess they mean next Saturday, but they don't say next, so I dunno. She agrees and Dion hears ca-ching. Kate tells Norbit the wedding is coming up on "Saturday" and he gets depressed. But he still enjoys his time with Kate, who helps teach Norbit how to ride a bike. We get a montage of Norbit learning how to ride a bike, while telling Rasputia he's going around town doing weird chores. And for no reason that I can phantom, we get a bit scene where Rasputia is washing her car, getting all wet, while that damn "Milkshake" song is playing. It's like they had the idea for the scene but had no where to put it, so they just clumped it in with this montage. Anyway, Kate asks Norbit help to pick out some stuff for the wedding (Hey! It's kinda like "The Wedding Singer"! Except....awful.) and he agrees. Norbit's two friends, who use to be pimps, played by Eddie Griffin and Katt Williams (who by the way are the only funny things about this movie) help him get ready for this "date" by pimping him out. Not like THAT. This movie is disturbing enough. I mean they dress him like a pimp. Meanwhile, Dion finds out that when the restaurant/orphanage closes, the liquor license will end with it, so they need Kate to sign a paper saying to keep the license even when the place closes. Realizing they have no way to do that, they trick Norbit into doing it, who agrees. So during their date, Kate signs the papers without looking at it and they continue on their way. They end up at the church she's gonna get married at and the priest tells Kate they should rehearse the wedding now. During the rehearsal, Norbit confesses his love to Kate and they kiss. While this happens, Rasputia is looking for Norbit and she finds him kissing Kate. Kate starts feeling mixed up and runs out. Norbit heads home, where he finds Rasputia waiting to kick his ass, which she does. Then she threatens to throw acid on Kate's face if he sees her again. While Norbit is knocked out, he hears the dog with the broken leg talk to him, telling him to kill Rasputia. Yes, this movie is making fun of "Son of Sam", that how hip and cool it is. Sadly, there's no murdering going on. Norbit is punished by having to clean the basement. While doing so, Kate arrives and knowing what'll happen to her if she sticks around, says some things to her that he don't mean, knowing that Rasputia is listening. Kate is upset and leaves, to get married to Dion. Jesus, this is still like The Wedding Singer. Way to rip off a plot idea, Murphy Brothers. Realizing his life really sucks, Norbit decides to leave for good this time when he runs into Mr. Wong. Here, Norbit himself voices the opinion the entire audience watching this piece of shit movie had with the entire thing when he says to Mr. Wong "this is pretty racist". Mr. Wong agrees, notes that the mail is always late on Friday, and moves on. So he was only there to remind Norbit to check the mail. I really hate my life right now. Norbit checks it and sure enough, he finds the thing he's been waiting for, a background check on...someone. He's shocked about something and tries to call Kate but she refuses to talk to him. HEY! Just like-oh forget it. Norbit goes to talk to Kate in person but Rasputia's brothers show up, knowing he's gonna ruin everything by telling Kate...something. Wait. They don't know that Norbit is going to tell Kate whatever, so how do they know that's what he's gonna do? Whatever, the movie is thankfully almost over with. They lock Norbit in the basement, but he uses the basement phone to call...someone. ARGH!! WHO!! What's going on??? Ok, all of it is answered soon enough, but not soon enough for me. It's the day of the wedding and everyone is at the church. Norbit breaks out and runs over to the church on a bike. Mr. Wong and the two pimps realize it's up to them to stop the wedding so Norbit has time to get there and...further stop the wedding. So Eddie and Katt do a pretty funny routine talking about condoms and ribs and this is really the only great part of this movie. If the entire movie was about them instead, I'd be a happier man. Norbit slowly makes his way to the church, even getting stopped by Rasputia and her brothers, but he escapes and after landing in a pond, runs into the church. He tells Kate that Dion is just using Kate for her money and trying to take the orphanage away from her and that he married a bunch of other women before and stole their money. Norbit pulls out the paper from the background check place and finds that it was ruined cause of the pond. I guess the writers knew they wrote themselves into a corner with this, so instead came up with a solution that doesn't make sense if you think about it for too long. I guess Norbit realize he was going to land in a pond and the paper was going to get ruined, so the person/people he called while in the basement where all the chicks that Dion married and all of them show up, with all of his illegitimate children in tow. Faced with the truth, Kate believes Norbit and ditches Dion. But Norbit now must face Rasputia and her brothers, which turn into some weird kung-fu show down between them and all the townspeople they bullied over the years. There's even some old lady who swings potted planets like nunchucks. Read that sentence again and tell me if that's not the stupidest thing you've ever read. Eventually though, the townspeople run Rasputia and the brothers out of the town, Norbit and Kate get married, buy the orphanage and keep it running, probably this time as only an orphanage. And Norbit then mentions that they never heard or saw Rasputia or her brothers ever again. Then we see what happened to them. They end up in Mexico where they open their Titopolis and of course this movie has to slam our heads against the wall one final time, so Rasputia is a stripper at this place. And there seems to be some weird undertones being said here about Mexicans liking large bitchy black chicks. I'm not sure what that's about. But this piece of shit ends with Rasputia ripping of "Flashdance" by doing that water thing. Yeah, let THAT image sink in. Ok, I'm all for movies not having to be serious. I love when movies are fun for the sake of being fun. But this...this is just terrible. Maybe everyone had fun making it, therefore didn't realize how awful the final product was gonna be. Hopefully, this will end this weird craze of Eddie Murphy putting on a fat suit and pretending to be a woman, cause honestly, between this, and that rumor where he picked up a transvestite hooker, I'm a bit worried about him. Oh and for the love OF GOD, don't see this movie. |
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