Alone In The Dark

Alone In The Dark
Oh Uwe Boll, You Did It Again!

Edward Carnby-Played by Christian Slater. Bad boy paranormal investigator who was also an orphan. Somehow all of that ties together.
Aline Cedrac-Played by Tara Reid. Apparently, Uwe Boll thinks museum curator's are hot. She bangs Edward now and then and is an expert on something that happens in the movie. I don't really care to figure out what.
Hudgens-Some scientist/museum dude who starts all the trouble. Also was responsible for hypnotizing Edward and other people from an orphanage when Edward was a kid. Wants to rule the world by bring the Zenoes here.
Fischer-Edward's only friend at 713. He's a high tech geek who later becomes a zombie. Yep, that kind of movie.
Burke-Played by Stephen Dourf. Asshole agent for 713. Hates Edward.
A Nun-She runs the orphanage that Edward grew up in. She somehow figures into the plot but it would take a good scriptwriter to figure out how.
Sophie-I only mention her cause she's hot. She is an oprhan who assists the Nun. And before you send in angry letters, she is over 18 years old.
Zenoes-The monsters of this movie. They look like the aliens from "Alien". Except not as cool. Apparently they all live under the Earth.

So I picked up "Alone In The Dark" because I heard it was bad.

Yes, I knew it was bad even before I left the store, so my hopes weren't shattered. Then I start watching the movie and not only is there a trailer for "House of The Dead", I find "Alone In The Dark" is directed by the same god awful asswipe who directed "House of The Dead", one Uwe Boll. The hell kind of name is Uwe anyway?

Anyway, this movie has a few things going for it. First off, it's got big time stars in it. Secondly, the people that shoot guns in this movie are actually experts at guns so at least the story makes a little sense. And finally, it isn't "House of The Dead".

Christan Slater, the bad boy himself, plays Edward Carnby, bad boy Paranormal Investigator. When he was a kid, he lived in an orphanage which some scientist dude named Hudgens would take kids and experiment on them. Eddie and 19 other kids at the orphanage were taken one night, but Edward escaped.

Then he grew up to be Christan Slater. We get bombarded with backstory as we find out Ed use to work for Bureau 713, a division of the government that handles paranomal stuff that happens everyday, apparently. But Ed was too much of a bad boy and decided to leave 713 and go solo. Oh and he bangs Tara Reid quite often.

Tara, who plays Aline Cedrac, is an assistant MUSEUM CURATOR., works for Hudgens. If only actual museum curator's were that hot, a lot of kids, boys especially, would enjoy the fieldtrips to museum's.

Eddie comes back from Chile (I don't know where "back" is suppose to be, the city looked kind of like Los Angeles, but they never really said), and is immedately being followed by a robotic dude who could easily be in the WWE. Their fight scene lasts about roughly twenty minutes before Edward slams him down on a pointy thing.

He returns to his house/warehouse where he studies this thing he found in Chile. While he's doing that we get bombarded with funny scenes.

First, Hudgens is on a boat (What's with Uwe Boll and boats anyway?) and the captain of the boat is looking at this big box Hudgens got from the ocean and sees it is covered with gold. Thinking there's treasure inside the box because, I'm assuming, Hudgen's teamed up with pirates, the captain locks Hudgens inside a room and opens the box. Whatever was inside the box comes out and kills the crew. Hudgens is spared and quite happy.

Next, we get random shots of people doing everyday things like sleeping, walking their dogs, working in video stores, and having sex (ok not really having sex but that would've been cool) and suddenly they too become robotic and start walking like they're auditioning for The Verve music video. Kudos to anyone who knows what I'm talking about there.

The next day, Edward gets a call from this hot chick named Linda saying her husband John was one of the robotic people who walked away and says it's kinda weird. Edward and John were at the orphanage together. In fact, the other 19 people at the orphanage also became robotic and walked away. Hmm...

Confused, Edward calls his friend at 713, named Fischer. He supplies him with information stating what we already know: all 19 people from the orphanage vanished. But the movie needed to waste another 10 minutes explaining this.

Really, really confused, he visits Tara Reid at the museum, cause you know all the hot chicks are there. They talk about artifacts and this ancient tribe named Abkani who believed they had access to an evil world and the beings from the evil world could come into our world and stuff like that. While they're talking, the lights go off and the evil beings from the evil world, named Zenoes, start attacking Christan Slater and Tara Reid.

Then out of nowhere S.W.A.T team guys appear and they are lead by Stephen Dourf, who never fails to play an asshole, and here he plays Burke, an asshole. The S.W.A.T team is actually 713 and they monitor these Zenoes. Oh, and Burke isn't too happy to see Edward.

Edward sneaks into 713 and talks to Fischer, who tells him that Zenoes can take over your body via things that look like rejects from the "Alien" movies. And it turns out Edward has a dead one inside him. And if anyone tries to take it out, Edward would become a vegetable and then there'll be a big deal in the media about cutting off his feeding tube or not.

Fischer gives Edward a shitload of weapons to fight these Zenoes and goes home where we get the obligotory "Christan Slater Getting Naked For The Ladies" scene. Later, Tara Reid comes in and gives us the obligotory "Tara Reid Cock Teases Her Male Audiences By NOT Getting Naked" scene.

After the lovin, zenoes attack and of course Burke and 713 show up and pretty much start trashing Edward's place like they're the Rolling Stones or something.

I should mention something here real quick. Anytime I mention some bit of action takes place, like here when 713 show's up, it goes from a non-action scene to an action scene in like .00003 seconds. And it's already in the middle of the action scene when we get to it. To further help explain this, image this.

Pretend you're watching a video of an orange sitting on a table. And you're watching this orange for like 2 minute straight and that's all it is: orange sitting there. Then just out of nowhere it goes to the classic shootout scene at the end of "First Blood". That's what the action scene's were like in this movie. We clear? Good.

With that said, the 19 other people from the orphanage show up but they're zombies for some reason and start eating the 713 agents. When one tries to attack Burke, Edward shoots it, saving his life. So Burke is sort of grateful from then on.

They get a lead that the zenoes are meeting in some abandoned mine somewhere and the 713 is gonna go and nuke the bastards to hell. Of course Edward and Tara Reid come along for the ride.

Not to sound lazy or anything, but there really isn't much to write about from this point. The rest of the movie is really just the 713 agents shooting at the zenoes outside this mine. Then Edward, Burke, and Tara Reid get lost in the mine and fight some zenoes themselves. Then they find out that Hudgen's is behind all this to begin with, which is something else we already know.

Well, I could mention that Hudgen's turned Fischer into a zombie, who later blew himself up. But that really isn't worth mentioning, so I won't. And I could mention that the thing Edward got from Chile is part of a key that opens "the dark world", where there is a shitload of zenoes just waiting to come to the "good world". And I could mention that at one point Edward goes back to his old orphanage and talks to the nun that takes care of the place and she is assisted by a real hot chick named Sophie. But none of that is worth mentioning. Except Sophie. She was hot.

I will mention this, however. Hudgen's opens the door to the "dark world", but Burke kills him and manages to blow himself up to keep the zenoes in the "dark world". And in a plot twist that I didn't understand, 713 is behind "this". What "this" consisted of, I have no clue cause they didn't explain it. Oh, and the zenoes kind of look like giant versions of the aliens in "Alien" except they got Doc Oct arms.

And needless to say, Edward and Tara Reid are the only survivors. But WAIT! THERE'S MORE!!!

Somehow, the nun at the orphanage is killed for some reason. AND for some unexplained reason, the city is evacuated. WHY?? WHY?!? WHY?!?!?!

Ok, it's over. And as much as I don't like this movie, it is 2 million times better than "House of The Dead". If I had to pick between two crappy Uwe Boll movies based on video games (Yes Alone In The Dark is a video game), I'd pick this one. But I'd only pick this one if the alternative was have hot sweaty sex with Vin Diesel or cut off one of my testicles.
Even then I'd have to think about it.