Beast Of Yucca Flats
A Review. Some Words. How'd They Get Here?
Joseph/The Beast-Played by Tor Johnson. Starts off as a scientist, but then gets blown up with an A-Bomb, so he turns into a murderous monster.
Man & Wife-A couple on vacation. The Man is murdered and The Wife is taken to Tor's Love Shack, er, Cave.
Joe-A young cop who has no respect for the dead.
Jim-Joe's partner, with experience in parajumping. Tends to shoot random people in the desert.
The Radcliff's-Husband Hank, wife Lois, and their kids Randy and Art. The kids get lost in the desert. Hank goes looking for them and gets shot repeatedly by Jim. Lois is just there, being ugly.
The Narrator-Played by our writer and director Coleman Francis. He talks. Like this. And says. Weird things. A lot.
I have an interesting history with this movie. Not only did I first see it on "Mystery Science Theater 3000", which introduced me to the writer/director/sometimes star Coleman Francis, but I saw this at B-Fest 2004. To know the horror that is "Beast of Yucca Flats" you need to know the horror that is Coleman Francis.

Coleman started out in show business doing bit parts in a bunch of films. Eventually he got the idea in his head to start making some movies on his own. But he needed an expert and an expert he found in Anthony Cardoza...a welder? Anyway, they went and made three movies together, with "Yucca Flats" being the first. For those of your curious, the next two were "The Skydivers" and finally "Red Zone Cuba", which actually features Coleman in the starring role. If this is indeed the order he made these movies, then I can only say they did get worse the more he went on. What exactly Coleman's problem was, we may never know. But we do know the following things:

1. He's obsessed with coffee.
2. He's obsessed with airplanes.
3. He's obsessed with guys shooting out of airplanes.
4. He's obsessed. With. Fragment. Sentences.
5. He can't write or direct for shit.

With all of that out of the way, let's get into "Yucca Flats".

Some lady steps out of the shower and is just brushing her hair in her bedroom. Some guy off camera comes in and chokes her. She dies. Then we get opening credits. And if you're expecting some sort of explanation for this scene, well, you got a long ass wait, cause there isn't one. You'd be better off getting a Ouija board and contacting Coleman himself and asking him what the hell that was about. If you do go through with all of that, keep him around. You're gonna need him to explain other things coming up.

After the credits, which includes a lot of Cardoza's and Francis', we are introduced to Joseph, a big burly scientist from Russia (I think). He's flown here to deliver some important thing that's in a suitcase. But some spy's find him and the most spectacular shootout occurs! Well, not really. During this, Mr. Francis plays the role of narrator and mutters a bunch of words that kinda form sentences but they don't make sense. It's like having Homsar narrate a movie. I'll get back to Coleman's fantastic one liners later.
Well, that's it. The first half of this movie is entertaining cause of the constant one-liners said by Coleman. Then the next half is just boring as hell with the same footage just looped over and over again. You even forget about Tor after awhile, which sucks cause he's just great. For a fun little game, try to come up with some Coleman one-liners. It's a great party game.
"People at a party. Dip. Wheel's of justice."
Read The Reviews!
I told you to do those damn dishes!
(Spousal abuse isn't funny.
The More You Know!)
I thought the Lost Boys had Keifer Sutherland and one of the Corey's.
Eventually, all of Joseph's bodyguard's are shot dead and he's forced to wander around in the desert. The disturbing thing is he felt the need to strip while wandering around. Thankfully before he got to his pants an atomic bomb goes off. Yep, an A-Bomb just randomly goes off, with Joseph standing RIGHT there. We see the suitcase engulfed in flames and that's it for that plot point. I'm convinced that this movie is just a series of short stories written by Coleman.

Next we get a "man and wife. On vacation. Unaware of scientific progress." And I'll be damned, there is indeed a man and wife in a car. The car breaks down and the Man gets out to check it out while The Wife smokes. But here comes Tor, who is now The Beast, and he strangles The Man to death. He sneaks up on The Wife and he strangles her too but not to death. Tor picks her up and drags her off to the desert mountains.
You know, I'm gonna start a city just by writing the name on a piece of cardboard and putting it somewhere.
John Wayne vs Christine!
Some guy comes driving by and finds The Man's body and decides to get help. He comes across Joe, who goes to the scene. Instead of doing something helpful like check for a pulse, or at least put a sheet over him, he drives off. I'm guessing this was before cops got those fancy CB radios we take for granted now a days.

Joe hightails it to Jim's house. Mr. Narrator informs us that both Joe and Jim patrol the desert road's 7 days a week. I'm assuming they both take turns, which is why Jim was able to be at home with a chick that is CLEARLY a hussy. I mean look how she dresses for Christ's sake!
Boobie Shot, circa 1963.
He likes big butts and he cannot lie!
Tor, meanwhile, drags The Wife to his cavern home and...leaves. Not sure what the point of him dragging her there was if he's just gonna leave. But Joe and Jim find her and we have no idea how they knew to look there. Maybe Tor left a trail of Tor scat. While dragging The Wife back down, one of them says that her pulse is weakened, so doctors wouldn't be able to help her "but maybe angels". That's another thing, the dialogue, when there is dialogue. Every single sound is dubbed in, with the actors (I'm assuming it's the same people we see in the film) just adding the voices over the scenes. So anytime a character talks, we don't see them talking. Ed Wood may be a horrible director but at least he filmed his actor's talking.

So with that storyline wrapped up, we see a news boy selling papers that read "BEAST KILLS MAN & WIFE". How the hell do they know it was a beast? Does this town just jump to the conclusion that any murder that happens is the work of a beast? I live in fuckin' Gary, Indiana, which is apparently the home to thousands of beasts.

I digress.

Next up we see Jim and Joe climbing a mountain, looking for said beast. And we are introduced to another vacationing couple, but this time they have a couple of kids. And what makes these people different is they have names! The Radcliff's!! I wonder if one of them is named Daniel.

While the Radcliff's are driving, they get a blown tire. Man, this town is just a magnet for cars breaking down. While fixing the tire, the two kiddie Radcliff's Randy and Art just take off into the desert. Madam Lois is worried and Sir Hank decides to go looking for them.

MEANWHILE! Joe and Jim decide climbing mountains is hard work and instead decide to fly around looking for the beast. Jim gets into a plane and takes off. And it's at this point the movie slows down. And it wasn't even fast to begin with. It slows down cause Narrator Coleman stops talking and we're just show constant looped footage of Jim in the plane and Hank wandering around looking for his damn kids.

Eventually, Jim thinks Hank is the beast, despite him looking NOTHING like Tor Johnson and says "Fuck it. He's in the desert. I'll shoot his ass." And so he does. So the wheels of progress can keep going. There's even an interesting homage/rip-off to "North by Northwest". Eventually, Jim shoots Hank and he falls down. Jim jumps out of the plane to see who he shot, but Hank...is still alive!! And he manages to get the hell out of there. He finds Lois and tells her to stay so Jim can shoot her ugly ass. I dunno where the heck Hank was going but we don't see him again, so I guess it don't matter.
And to think, Hugh Hefner was THIS close to marrying her.
Um....do you need some time alone there, Hank?
Gosh, this looks familar.
We find the kids Randy and Art and they're just roaming around. They meet up with Tor and he chases them around for a bit. Then they come across Tor's cave and who just happens to return home? If you said Indianapolis Colt's quarterback Payton Manning, then you're just retarded. Or my fiancee.

Tor decides to take a nap which gives the kids a chance to sneak out, but he wakes up anyway and chases them down the hill. Joe and Jim find Tor and shoot his ass. But no matter how many times he gets shot, he doesn't die. He even gets a shot at Jim and strangles him but Joe just keeps pumping him full of lead until he stops.

So the kids are safe, Joe and Jim are safe and Tor is dead. OR IS HE??? A bunny jumps into view and Tor pets it. Then he finally dies. So yes, he's dead finally. The kids are reunited with Lois and....that's it. The end. This movie, seriously, is only 56 minutes long. I feel compelled to put this review in the "shorts" section.
"Damn kids smooching on my property!!"
Eww.
Now that that's done with, I now present you with the greatest lines said by Narrator Coleman. I'm not making these up, these really were said in the movie.

"Flag on the moon. How did it get there?"
"Joe Dobson caught in the wheels of progress."
"Push a button. Things happen."
"Progress."
"A man murdered. A woman's purse."
"Nothing bothers some people. Even flying saucers."
"Joseph Javorsky, respected scientist." (This is repeated at least four times in the movie.)
"A man runs. Someone shoots at him."