Bela Lugosi Meets A Brooklyn Gorilla
Bela, Brooklyn Gorilla.
Brooklyn Gorilla, Bela.
Duke Mitchell-Rip-off Dean Martin (even have the same initials). He's suave and can sing. Gets turned into a giant gorilla.
Sammy Petrillo-Rip-off Jerry Lewis. Loud, annoying, makes you wanna strangle him. Oh and he doesn't like fat chicks.
Nona-The princess of the jungle. Falls for Duke.
The Chief-Of The Jungle and Nona's father. Switches back and forth from "jungle speak" to English.
Dr. Zabor-Played by Bela Lugosi. Scientist, doing crazy experiments, yada yada yada.
Chula-Zabor's assistant. He speak like this.
Saloma-Nona's huge sister who has a thing for Sammy.
Ramona-A monkey who also has a thing for Sammy.
Pepe-Either he's a mailman or a cop. I couldn't tell.
Eagle Man-I call him this cause of this weird ass mask he wears.
You know how nowadays whenever a big blockbuster movie appears in theaters, some small film company releases a Direct-to-Video ripoff? Kinda like "Snakes on a Train"? Well, apparently this started sometime in the 50's when some company decided to cash in on the fame of Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis.

I'll be honest with you, I haven't seen any Martin and Lewis movies. I've seen plenty of Jerry Lewis movies and I did see the original "Ocean's 11", but I've never seen the two together. If this movie is any indication how a Martin and Lewis movie is, I'm better off.

The film starts with a narrator telling us the jungle sucks while tons of stock footage plays. We eventually land on two guys laying in the middle of the jungle with fake beards on. A bunch of tribespeople (one of who looks like Eagle Man!) find them and carry them to their village. The Chief and his daughter Nona decree that the tribespeople will not kill them, a decision I'm sure they regret later on.
Dammit! We're Running Out of Time!!
Enough is Enough! I've had it with these motherfuckin snakes in my motherfuckin stock footage!!
"I've got something for you! Two annoying wannabe's!"
The tribespeople and Nona switch back and forth from English and "Ooka-booka" language and the film does a wipe. We find our two Martin and Lewis rip-off's minus the fake beard and in tropical clothing. Nona is inspecting their clothes and they find the name Mervyn stitched on the inside, so they conclude that they're name is Mervyn.

Unfortunately Mervyn wake up and introduce themselves as Duke and Sammy. Sammy sounds like he's trying to do a Jerry Lewis impression but he sucks at it. And he's just as annoying. Sammy flails around the village going "HEY TRIBESMAAAAN!!!" and making me wish I had a gun to shoot myself in the ear. Nona tells Duke and Sammy that they are on the island of "Cocacola". Excuse me a moment, I'm gonna go buy that gun.

Damn waiting period. Anyway, later that night the tribespeople are putting on a show for Duke and Sammy, which is really just interpretive dance for "You are annoying and not funny, please go away". Sammy gets jealous of Duke hanging around Noma (In fact, a lot of stuff in this movie is almost some sort of hidden homoeroticism, with Duke wearing a shirt tied at his stomach and both Duke and Sammy holding each other and stuff, so maybe Sammy's jealous of Noma and not Duke) and Noma says she has a sister to introduce him to.
Tarzan Directed by Ed Wood.
Jim Carrey & Ron Foster wake up.
Saloma comes out and she's a ton of woman. Of course this is the 50's when fat chicks weren't as welcomed as they are now, so Sammy goes "OHH NOOO FAT LAAADY!!" and runs around screaming and making me wish the five day waiting period was over with already! Sammy interferes with the dancing and eventually starts telling lame ass jokes, including a pun on "Cocacola" and how he wishes he had Pepsi. Then he does the typical "I met a guy who hasn't a bite in 3 days" joke and to prove how out of touch these people are, they find it funny.

Saloma (or Salami as Sammy calls her) chases him around for a good five minutes until he pretends to be a totem pole. Oh that silly Paddlefoot, he think totem pole alive! Saloma eventually grabs him and drags him off to her hut to have fat sex with him. I'm guessing.

Meanwhile, Duke is rounding second and heading to third when Saloma realizes that Sammy can't keep it up long enough so she throws him back home. Noma mentions that she works for some doctor dude named Zabor and maybe he'll help get them off the island.
I guess the French aren't the only people who worship Jerry Lewis.
The next day, Noma takes Duke and Sammy to Zabor's and they meet him along with his manservant Chula. Sammy whispers to Duke that he isn't Zabor, it's actually Bela Lugosi! Who goes around biting people on the neck! After some examination, Duke agrees.

So...what? Are they implying that this is the real Bela Lugosi and he's using a fake name? And what about these scientific experiments? I know Bela wasn't always right in the head (according to "Ed Wood") but I doubt he'd go hide in a castle on some island named Cocacola and experiment on monkey's. But then again, Dave Chappelle did the same thing...

As I mentioned already, Zabor is doing experiments on monkey's to figure out what Darwin was going on about and we're introduced to the real star of the movie Ramona The Monkey. Ramona takes a liking to Sammy so much so that she locks him in the cage with her. Of course Sammy goes around screaming "OH NO!! NO NOT DE MONKEY!! OY!!!"

We pick up on the fact that Zabor has a thing for Nona but because she doesn't prefer old heroin junkies, she brushes him off. Zabor gets a visit from Pepe The Cop and/or Post Man. That'd make for an interesting gritty cop show on NBC. "PEPE! HE DELIEVERS MAIL AND CLEANS UP THE STREETS!!! Tonight's Episode: "The Postman Always Rings MURDER!!!" Zabor allows Sammy and Duke to stay at the castle with him, which gives us plenty of "hilarious" moments.

Such as Sammy getting ready for bed and Ramona breaking out of her cage and sneaking into his bed. He tells her that monkey's isn't his thing so he takes her back to the cage where she makes him fall asleep and locks him in again. D'OH!! Meanwhile, Duke is tappin' that native booty. I'm assuming.
"Did someone vay free heroin??"
Oh yeah, I had this happened to me one night when I drank a bunch of vodka and broke into a zoo.
The next day, Zabor, Sammy, Duke, and Nona are having dinner with Nona's father, Salami, and Eagle Man. Duke and Nona make silent gestures that they wanna get it on so they leave but not at the same time. That would be suspicious. They meet up together and talk about how Nona knows English. Turns out she watched all the Police Academy movies. Dirtbag!!

Saloma tries to do the same trick with Sammy but he takes off running. Zabor has Chula follow Nona to see what's going on and he does so. He reports back that Duke grabbed Nona, turned her around, then they made a thrusting motion over and over again, while Nona prayed to God over and over again. This pisses Zabor off and he sets off to do something about it.

After the fucking, Nona says they're engaged now. Instead of going "Um...ok baby. I'll be right back" and swim to the U.S, Duke accepts her necklace, which is symbolizes that he now has immunity and cannot be voted off the island.
If Bela Lugosi starred in "The Last Temptation of Christ".
"Try my vecret herbs and spices! Only at Vey F Cee!"
Zabor goes back to work and he injects Ramona with something. Soon, thanks to time elapse footage, Ramona turns her into a baby monkey. When Zabor sees this, he immediately shouts "YES! I can now turn a man into a gorilla!" Cause you know baby monkeys=man turning into gorilla's. It just makes sense.

Chula worries that Zabor is gonna turn him into a gorilla but Zabor says he has someone else in mind. HMM!! GOSH!!! Whoever could that be? Could it be Pepe?? Sammy??? The Chief??? Let's just wait and find out!

Duke appears and tells Nona that he's gonna see if Pepe can get him off this damn island. Nona says she'll go with but Zabor says "NO!!!!" and makes her stay. This is so Chula can kidnap Duke and bring him back to the castle all secret like. Zabor kicks Sammy and Nona out and injects Duke with the baby-turnin' stuff. And wouldn't ya know it, he turns into a damn gorilla.

Sammy and Nona go looking for Duke, even finding the immunity necklace she gave him just laying on a tree. I'm unsure how the hell that happened but whatever. Back at the Castle of Fun, Duke turns into a giant gorilla. And Bela Lugosi meets him.
For a simulation on the special effeects this movie had, roll your mouse over this picture to see Duke transform into a gorilla!
Nona and Sammy return to find the giant gorilla. Zabor says it's Ramona and they're like "Whatever. Where's Duke?" Zabor says he'll go help Nona look for him. Sammy stays behind and Dukeilla starts stomping around and motioning for him. Sammy spends the next five minutes trying to figure out that this gorilla is Duke. He figures it out when Duke starts singing on of their songs.

So....if the gorilla can sing, why can't he just FUCKIN TALK?? Ugh. Anyway, Sammy lets Duke out and Duke knocks Chula the fuck out, then they go think about what to do next. Unfortunately, we have one more "hilarious" gag before this crap is over with.

A random giant gorilla that we haven't seen before until now hears Duke and climbs the house to meet him. Sammy has his back turned so he doesn't see Duke leaving and Random Gorilla taking his spot. Sammy gives Random a shirt to wear but he won't wear it. When Duke sticks his head back into the room and starts singing again to show Random isn't Duke, Sammy goes "AWWW JEEZZZ!!!" and runs off.
"Hmm...how can we make this movie even more irritating..."
A chase ensues when Zabor grabs his rifle and decides to shoot Dukeilla. Random catches up with Duke and before they could make out (Seriously, this is really disturbing), Sammy breaks it up and drags him back to the village. Sammy explains to Nona what Zabor did and that Dukeilla is really Duke. The Chief is all pissed and says he'll kill him and possibly eat him when Zabor says "I'm right here" in a voice only Bela can pull off. Zabor starts to shoot Duke but Sammy gets in the way! YES!!! THIS MOVIE ROCKS NOW!! WOO!!!!!

No wait. It doesn't. Cause next thing we see is Duke as himself wearing a tux shaking Sammy who is sleeping on some bed in a dressing room. Sammy wakes up and goes "WHA??? LADY!!! IT WAS A DREAM!!" Yes. Much like "The Wizard of Oz" or even "Jacob's Ladder", this entire shitty movie was a dream.
"AWWW JEEZ WHOAAA LADY!! I BEEN SHOT!!! WAOOO!!!"
"WAAAHOO You was der! AND YOU!! ANND WHOA!!! JEEZ!!!"
And to make matters worse is that all the characters in the dream/movie are involved with the night club they're in. Nona is Duke's girlfriend who is some dancer and her partner is wearing a gorilla suit. Inside the suit is the Chief. The waiter is Pepe and the stage manager is Chula. And Zabor? He's the night club owner. And Saloma is a Hawaiian girl who really lusts after Sammy. But when he kisses her, he kinda likes it and starts getting boners for fat chicks now.

The M.C introduces Martin and Lewis but they couldn't be here so instead we get Duke and Sammy and they do their annoying rip off act when finally this movie comes to an end.
I kinda like Jerry Lewis. Granted the whole "HEY LADY!" thing is kinda annoying when you hear it a thousand times but you have to admit that he has some talent. So I was glad to hear that he sued the ass-clown Sammy for ripping him off. I can only assume now that Sammy spent the rest of his days holed up in some cheap hotel somewhere in New Jersey watching Captain Kangaroo, playing solitaire till dawn, with a deck of 51.
I'm guessing.
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