Bloody Movie
Warning: Review Contains Michelle Bauer Nudity
Lance Hayward-Played by John Ireland. He was once a very popular actor a long time ago. Now he's just a lonely old man with a big empty house. I'm talking about the character, not the actor, by the way. Oh, and he's the one killing everyone in the movie.
Kathy-Lance Hayward's number one fan. She gets the bright idea to check out his house before it's blown up.
Lorraine-Kathy's friend who could stand to gain a few pounds. Talks in a very weird and irritating accent.
Todd-Kathy's boyfriend. That's about it.
Greg-Every movie like this needs an asshole. Here he is.
Sherry-Every movie like this needs a stupid blonde chick to be the asshole's girlfriend. Here she is.
Chip-And yet again, every movie like this needs a know it all geek with big glasses who tries to get with any of the women. Here he is.
Two Bikers-Named Angel and Jo. Jo is played by Michelle Bauer. Looking at her profile on imdb.com, it's no surprise she's in this movie. Anyway, they break into the house to have sex.
Ted Michaels-Played by Dan "Daniel" Haggerty. Killed in the first 5 minutes of the movie, so we don't get much info on him.
Captain Ned-Played by Aldo Ray. Drunk guy who lives on Hayward's property, I guess.
Detective Dude-Played by Cameron Mitchell. He basically yells at the surviving kids for all of two minutes before getting killed himself.
Jake-Played by Alan Hale. Somehow survives being killed and is possibly the only survivor of this movie. He's a security guard who tends to have a big dopey smile no matter what you're talking about.
I stumbled across this gem of a movie the same day I bought The Gingerdead Man. After reading the cover, I just had to get it. It promises that "these faded stars die a horrible death!" and that there's "gratuitous Michelle Bauer Nudity". After printing stuff like that, I just had to, you understand.

First off, I knew the name Michelle Bauer sounded familar. Now I realize that she gets naked A LOT in every single movie she does and she got naked in a movie called "Sorority Girls & The Slimeball-Bowl-o-Rama". So I have made it my life mission to see all 150 films Michelle Bauer has done. Not cause I think she's hot, cause I don't have much else going for me in my life.

And on a final note, the actual title of the movie is called "Terror Night", which I think is a better title. "Bloody Movie" just sounds like a British person's opinion on this film. But the title isn't important, the lame ass story is, so let's get to it.

We get a bizzare song about Hollywood and a black screen. I was about to think my disc or DVD player was broken when suddenly the credits flash on, like 3 minutes into the song. We get a glimse of every movie Lance Hayward has done in his carrer in the credits, and we throughout the rest of the movie, we explore them one at a time.

After the credits, Jake is roaming around, looking quite dopey. Some skinny asshole dude appears and says he's there to meet with Mr. Michaels. While waiting, a darkened figure knocks the asshole guy out and tie his hands to a tree and his legs to his car. The figure steps on the gas and the guy is ripped apart.
"I think I have a donut in this pocket somewhere."
AWWWW SHUCKS!!!! LITTLE BUDDY!!!!!!
Maybe he should sue his chiropractor.
From Grizzly Adams to chasing elves to this? He must've needed cocain-i mean the money-badly.
When Mr. Michaels appears, Jake tells him that the thing we just saw with the tree and the car was from Hayward's movie about a mobster who killed someone the same way. This is how he kills everyone in the movie, by the way. He steals other people's ideas. After Jake leaves, Mr. Michaels bumps into a spear, which somehow kills him. This scene still confuses me, but there's still 85 minutes left of the movie, so let's not waste any time.

It jumps to Greg and Sherry taking a bath together. This scene just provides us with some female nudity to keep our attention. As if killing Grizzly Adams wasn't enough. Then we meet Kathy and Lorraine watching the news. It turns out Hayward's house is gonna be demolished the next day because Hayward has vanished 20 years ago and no one knows where he is. Kathy, a fan of his, is slightly disappointed at this news when Chip shows up.
oh so hot
He looks kind of like Skippy, doesn't he?
For some reason, everyone was expecting some dude named Mark, but when they find out he's Chip, they get upset. This isn't really explained. What happened to Mark? Who's Chip? And why is he there? None of this is explained as Todd, Greg, and Sherry show up. Kathy tells them they should check out Hayward's house before it's torn down and in case there's a groovy mystery there to solve.

Angel and Jo, two bikers, are off somewhere, getting high and drunk. Angel, naturally, gets horny, but because Jo has some class, she doesn't wanna do it outside. So they decide to break into the house to do their dirty deed. And I mean dirty. It looks like neither of them cleaned themselves in a few days. No offense to Michelle Bauer, but I'm willing to bet she has crabs or something similar.

The rest of the movie plays out like any typical teenagers in an abandoned/haunted house movie. They look around, make fun of shit, and even go through the dude's belongings. Sherry puts on some harem girl outfit and clangs on mini-cymbals that are attached to her fingers. This gets annoying fast.
Somehow "Five Easy Pieces" didn't involve Michelle Bauer.
Sherry demostrates the outfit she wore to her last PTA meeting.
I should point out something real quickly here. The filmmakers apparently think that women shouldn't drink. Angel denies Jo whatever it is he's drinking, and later in the house, Greg refuses to give Sherry any because she's a woman. I guess they combined two amendments into one.

Greg seperates himself from the others and of course he gets killed by Hayward dressed like Robin hood. I should also mention that anytime he's about to kill, or is in the process of killing, people, they show quick glimpses of the films Hayward is ripping off. Like here, they show a quick scene from "Robin Hood". Guess it's better then being "robbed to death".
Scene from a movie or clipped from a history book? You be the judge.
There's nothing I can say to this. It's stupid and goofy on it's own.
  For some reason, the gang misses Greg, so Sherry goes to look for him, of course. While she's roaming around, Jo finds her and thinks she's seeing a ghost. This is after she took some pill and actually stole a drink from Angel! Scandalous!! A WOMAN DRINKING!!! I DARE SAY!! Jo thinks Sherry is a slutty ghost and wakes Angel up. This turns him on, so they run to a bedroom, where the gratutious nudity starts. But not yet.

Because Sherry is dressed like a harem girl, Hayward is dressed like an Arabian dude, with a big ass scimiter, and chops her head off. We get a scene from his film "Arabian Nights".

Because Sherry and Greg's been gone "for so long", Lorraine and Chip decide to look for them. But first they stumble upon an iron/steel door that is locked. They think there's money inside, but they decide to wait until Lorraine and Chip return.
GASP!!!!
Damn, Geraldo won't give up, won't he?
   While looking for them, Lorraine shows some interest in Chip by kissing him. Before he gets anymore turned on by her god awful accent, they hear the rock music playing in the room Angel and Jo is in. Here is where the gratutious nudity comes in. Yay, naked Michelle Bauer. Needless to say, our hapless heros walk in on two bikers going at it. The bikers get scared and Michelle runs around naked for 5 minutes until Angel throws her a skimpy bikini.
Oh yeah, no kid's are allowed to look at this.
A chase ensues down to where the iron door is and Angel demands to know what's inside. So they break it open and all that's inside is every movie Hayward ever made. Oh and it's apparently soaked in gasoline. This will be important later in a scene you can see coming from miles, or minutes, away.

Todd has decided he has had enough of Angel and decides to kick his ass. Defeated, Angel and Jo take off. But Hayward show up as, seriously, Zorro. He slashes some random marks on Angels body and he whips Jo to death. Reading Michelle's profile, I'm sure she's no stranger to whipping.

For those of you keeping score, Chip, Kathy, and Todd are left. They actually leave the house and get to the van, but they decide that the others must be ok, so they go back to look for them.

That turns out to be a bad idea when they come across Hayward dressed up as a knight and he cuts Todd's hand off. This, somehow kills him. Wait, Bruce Campbell didn't die in "Evil Dead 2". The kid from "Idle Hands" didn't die. Why did this weenie die? My guess is so it fits into the formula of the girl's boyfriend dying so she can end up with the geeky kid who is the real hero of the movie.

Kathy and Chip make it to the films soaked in gas room and Hayward explains the reason he's killing everybody is because he doesn't want anyone to know that he's still alive. And that he still has 20 million dollars laying around. In the gasoline soaked room. So Chip does the only thing that's natural: burn Hayward and the room. This causes the house to go up in flames.

Yay! The movie's over...oh wait. We were promised a cameo by Cameron Mitchell. So the filmmakers deliever on this promise by having him stop by Chip's house, where he and Kathy are. Cameron is some cop who thinks Chip and Kathy are Satanists for some reason. This isn't explained.
Here, the 100 dollar bill tries to struggle upstream to spawn with it's mate.
Here Cameron Mitchell calls two people he never met before Satanists!
John Ireland & Lassie Star in: The Exorcist: The Musical!
Heeeeeeere's!! JOHN IRELAND!!!
Then we're treated to a 5 minute shot of John Ireland dressed up like a priest and the dog we've been seeing randomly, walking to Chip's house. We're suppose to put together that John Ireland is Hayward in some type of make-up, and he breaks into Chip's house. Chip, leaving to find out why the lights went off, gets killed! Whoa! They threw us a curve ball! Then Officer Cameron Mitchell gets killed also, so that just leaves Kathy.

Now the movie takes an even more bizarre turn. The entire scene is played out like "Othello" with John Ireland dressed as the king and Kathy dressed as the chick who wants Othello, apparently. This is all suppose to be in Hayward's head, but the stuff being said and done is what's really happening, so it's slightly confusing.

This scene was made, I'm guessing, to give John Ireland a chance to quote Shakesphere before he goes off into movie obscurity. He makes out with Kathy and this somehow kills her. I guess he has killer breath. The scene returns to normal and John Ireland is a priest again and he slowly walks away from the house. The bloody end.
Considering this is a typical teenage slasher film, it's not bad. I like how they shook things up by killing everybody in the movie. Well, except for Alan Hale. He didn't get a grisly (or is it Grizzly in Dan Haggarity's case?) death. Maybe the film makers actually liked him and his dopey looks. I mean he was The Skipper after all. DOOOH!!! And I'll be honest with you. I don't really know who John Ireland and Aldo Ray are. But since they were made such a big deal by the cover, I'll make a big deal about them here.
Hey, John Ireland and Aldo Ray is in this movie. Watch them kill and be killed!
3 stars.
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Somebody misspelled "Phantom". I'm hoping they lost their job as a result! I mean this RUINED THE MOVIE!!
Watch as John Ireland attempts to dignify himself by acting out Shakesphere.