Bloodz vs Wolvez
It's like Underworld! Except...Not.
Lou-The leader of the Wolvez. He, and his gang, are from the streets and except for having fangs and long nails, look human.
Asiman-Leader of the Bloodz, a group of vampires. Him and his "clan" are upper class rich people who want the Wolvez's (Man, that some grammar issue there) property to turn them into skyscrapers or something.
Jamila-Asiman's wife who hates the wolvez and wants them all dead. Is a closeted lesbian.
Dhampira-Jamila's lesbian lover and Asiman's right hand gal. Also hates the wolvez.
Bo-Lou's brother, who doesn't trust the vampires.
Lobo-A wolf who likes to crap on the floor.
I have to give this movie props, they did something interesting with the whole "Vampires vs werewolves" things. Here, they made the vampires rich and snobby people who want to make the city a better place by getting rid of the ghetto. And they made werewolves like ghetto gang members. Who occasionally crap on the floor. But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

The opening scene is a big jumbled mess which nearly broke my brain. There's a rap beat playing and some dude is giving us some narration but I have no freakin' idea what he's saying cause he's talking in such a low voice. I'm guessing he was telling us that for thousands of years there's been a war between vampires and werewolves and they never got along and as a result of this possibly Biggie was a vampire and Tupac was a werewolf. This is just my guess.

Then we get scenes of both sides attacking people rather randomly. After all of that, we go to an empty apartment and some dude with a lisp is talking on a cellphone. Another guy comes in and he looks exactly like Lisp Guy, even wearing the same suit. I'm guessing this is a sign on how cheap this movie is, they could only buy the cheapy suits on sale from Sears.
Parents, talk to your kids about snorting Twizzlers.
Lou's Senior High School Yearbook Photo.
Lisp Guy is a realtor and is showing his Doppelganger the place. Lisp Guy says the place will be remodeled in two weeks and his twin said "Ok" and leaves. About 10 seconds later two gang members walk in and are like "Yo, blood, what it be" and whatnot and they throw what they said was holy water, revealing that Lisp Guy is a vampire and these gang members are werewolves.

Up next, some random guy is walking and he sees an Asian ho just standing there being an Asian ho. He's like "I feel like fucking an Asian ho" and goes up to her. She knocks him out and he wakes up later in some other apartment wearing a leash. If this guy is suppose to be a werewolf they never really established that, otherwise, what the hell is up with the leash?

So this guy, who may be a werewolf, is on a leash in a small apartment surrounded by three burley guys in suits, the Asian ho, and some bitchy chick. The bitch chick kills Maybe Werewolf and it's revealed these people are the vampires we're gonna be forced to stare at for the next hour and a half.

Things finally sorta make some sense when we go to ANOTHER empty apartment and ANOTHER bitchy chick is talking to her butler, while he puts toothpicks in olives. She makes all kinds of horrible jokes about these "dogs" peeing on furniture and being animals and stuff and I almost pulled the DVD out and strangled it.

Finally, there's a knock on the door and it's the gang of Werewolves. Throughout this movie, both sides make it seem like there are literally thousands of members in both their gangs (or clans has they call it) but we only see about roughly 5 wolves and 6 or 7 vampires, so maybe the rest are out on a promotional tour? Similar to what the army does? They stand outside grocery stores and colleges with fliers saying "What are you gonna do with the rest of your life? You should be a vampire! The hours are GREAT!"

So anyway, the wolves are there to meet with the leader of the vampires named Asiman, who looks like Taye Digg's stand in. Asiman wants to buy out the property that the wolves have to build it up and make a better city (which is New York City in case you were wondering) and the only way to do that is become friends with the wolves and end this thousand-year war that's been going on. The leader of the wolves Lou considers it. Asiman's butler makes a wolf-ist remark and a big brawl is about to start but Asiman keeps his cool and apologizes for the remark. When the wolves leave, Asiman whips his butler's naked behind with a tree bark. Ok, not really.

After a scene with Asiman and his wife Jamila to show how much of an asshole Asiman is, we cut to the next day and Lou is wearing a suit. His homies are like "What the fuck, yo?" but Lou is trying to get into this whole "live like the other half lives" thing, which brings us to a hilarious encounter.

There's a knock on the door and one of the wolves opens it and Agustine is standing there, looking SOOO out of place not only in this scene but in this movie altogether. He's there to teach Lou how to act like a proper gentleman. Bo comes in and wonders what the hell is going on and he says this by killing Agustine. I'm not sure exactly but it appears that Bo doesn't like this whole agreement Lou came up with.
"OHHH!!! I'm soooo sorry! I was looking for the Will & Grace fan club!"
Didn't know that Valentine's cousin was such a kickass dancer.
Jamila, meanwhile, does not want to have a truce with the wolves and goes over Asiman's head by sending some hitmen (and woman) to wipe out the wolves. They arrive at Lou's empty apartment and start shooting, in a goofy ass scene cause the one guy wearing this white mask is like dancing while he's shooting. It's disco shooting! Talk about staying alive.

But the wolves shoot Disco Shooter there and the other chick leaves unscathed because the wolves are horrible shots. Lou finds out that Disco Shooter there is a Blood (not the gang members, the vampires, you know.) and is pissed. So Lou wants to get revenge, cause this is a betrayal in his eyes. So he comes up with the most fiendish plot I've ever seen ever in a movie where vampires and werewolves are at war with each other.

Later that night (cause Asiman can't be out in daylight you see) Asiman is showing some people an empty building across from the wolves. Lou and his gang are watching through binoculars for Lou's evil plot to unfold. So Asiman is showing these people around and inside they find...

A rat. That's it. That's Lou's big payback for coming into his house with a Disco Shooter and killing some of his men (making their numbers down to 4 now), by putting a rat into an ABANDONED BUILDING. Man, don't fuck with Lou, yo. He'll put a spider-web in your house! Not only did he put a single rat in the place, he had the audacity to put in some roaches! GASP!! NOT IN A NEW YORK CITY GHETTO!!! WHA????

Asiman thinks it was some exterminators fault but Jamila tells him it was the wolves who did it cause they're stupid animals. Asiman proves that he's a bigger asshole by being sexist and says "leave the business to men!" That's right! Stay in that kitchen woman!! And where's my damn beer?? Just to be on the safe side, Asiman calls Lou and is like "Um...did you really put a rat in an abandoned building?" Lou admits to this and said that he did it has retaliation. Wow, some retaliation. Next time you see a rat in your house, think back, you might've pissed off a werewolf.

Asiman swears he didn't send Disco Shooter and wants to remain in a truce with him. Lou is skeptical but agrees to meet Asiman in some country club. Lou said ok. Then at some point during this whole putting rats in buildings to make up for the death of a gang member mess, we find out that Jamila is having freaky lesbian sex with Asiman's right hand chick Dhampira. That's seriously her name. Now I see why people hate silent H's in names. That's just stupid. I'm not really sure what the point of this whole lesbian sub-plot was, it tries to go somewhere later on but it just fizzles like a defective firework in Atlantis.
Vampires? Werewolves? Who cares as long as there are lesbians! WOO!
(Hear that? That's every female reader rolling their eyes right now.)
Lou meets up with Asiman in his club and we get a funny bit where Lou asks this guy why rich people always wanna take people's coats. That is a good point. I went to a party once and this dude was like "let me take your coat" and I was like "Nah, I'm good" but the guy was like "FUCK YOU!!" and he shot me and took my coat. That was kinda unnecessary if you ask me.

Anyway, Lou and Asiman have a long boring talk about why they can't come to an agreement and what they were like before they were vampire and werewolf and they seriously cry and suddenly it's a fuckin' Lifetime movie. Asiman mentions that he's jealous of the werewolves cause they can walk around in the daylight. Then comes in Glenn, this super white guy who goes up to Asiman.

He tells Asiman that he watched him play a couple of rounds of golf and is very impressed with his "strokes". I dunno, this don't seem like the kind of thing you say to another guy. But that's just me. Then he says that Glenn is going to do a few rounds himself tomorrow AFTERNOON at around 4 and Asiman, no kidding, agrees.

Wait, what happened to this whole "Oh I can't be out in daylight" thing. And when the hell was Asiman playing golf? Are golf courses open at night? Well, we kinda to get an answer to that one when Glenn asks Asiman to be his caddy. This causes Lou to burst out laughing.

I kinda don't get it. Glenn sees that Asiman plays golf, and very good, yet he wants him to just be a caddy? That doesn't make sense. That's like saying you saw Emeril cook this big spread on the Food Network and you'd like him to be the head busboy at your restaurant. Anyway, Asiman tells Glenn that he's the owner of this club, which maybe how he's able to play golf at night, and Glenn is like "Oh. My bad, G." and takes off. Lou is still laughing his ass off and Asiman is like "brb".

Asiman corners Glenn in the bathroom and my hand to god, he slaps Glenn. And he continues to slap the shit out of Glenn. When Glenn is all slapped out, he bites him. When Asiman returns to Lou, Lou tells him he's got a little bit of Blood of Glenn on his cheek.
I know it's hard to see but Asiman is "killing" Glenn. But in reality he's having sex with him.
The tears of a vampire.
Asiman and Lou agree to ANOTHER truce and this boring ass scene comes to an end. And I guess the filmmakers agreed that this scene was long, boring, and pointless and needed something, ANYTHING, to liven up this movie just a tad bit. Unfortunately, we get the following scene.

So Lobo is alone in the apartment and he's holding some newspapers. He starts putting the newspaper on the floor. NO! NO LOBO! DON'T!! Then he starts undoing his pants and pulls them down. STOP LOBO! THAT'S A BAD LOBO!! And we get a delightful scene of Lobo taking a shit on the newspaper. BAD! BAD!!! I SAID NO!!! NAUGHTY! NAUGHTY!! If only I could rub his nose in it.
This is the last image I remember taking. Everything from this point on I totally blacked out on.
Well, now I know what werewolf scat looks like. Thanks movie!
Sometime after the shit scene, Lou and his gang enter what looks likes a place my high school rented for our prom to be held at. Asiman and his crew is there and he tells Lou and this "club" is his and he can do whatever he wants with it. Under two conditions. 1-They let humans in and 2-Don't eat the humans. Lou agrees to this and for the third time in this movie, they agree to a truce.

Bo is kinda uneasy about this whole thing but that don't stop him from going into the club by himself to do some ta-chi. Then all out of nowhere, the wolves turn into werewolves. And remember the awesome scene in "An American Werewolf in London" when the main guy turned into a werewolf? Well...that doesn't happen here. At all. Instead they just stand around looking like they're all gonna take craps on the floor but then they...continue to look normal.

During Bo's non-transformation, some more Bloods (or Bloodz, whatever) come in and shoot him dead. This happens after a big scene with Asiman sitting on a stairwell, wondering who the hell in his organization is going around killing these wolves (or wolvez, whatever) while Jamila and Dhampira are making out about 10 feet away but unseen by Asiman. Some dude we have no idea on his identity comes in and finds them but Jamila begs Nameless Dude to keep the lesbian thing quiet and maybe they'll let him watch. Nameless Dude silently agrees.
R. Kelly's "Trapped In A Stairwell"
Wow! This movie DID have a big budget when it came to special effect!
I'm gonna knock you out! Mama said knock you out!
Apparently when you're a werewolf, you don't get bulletholes when you're shot.
The next day the wolves wake up to find Bo dead in their apartment. Lou gets all pissed now and is like "Now it's personal". First he breaks into the bank Asiman uses and steals all of his money. Yes, they simply walk out with like a billion dollars. Course they have to shoot a security guard who was talking a crap at the time, but still. Asiman gets the phone call about being dead broke now and he simply tosses this windchime thingy to the floor, which causes Jamila to run out screaming "WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR??? OH MY GOD YOU ARE EVIL!!!! RAAAH!!!" If that's not some social commentary on marriage, I don't know what is.

Next up Lou and his gang (now consisting of 3 guys, including shit taker Lobo) is breaking into a blood bank. They somehow figured out this is where Asiman gets his blood from and they taint it with garlic. Man, this movie sure depicts the juvenile side of werewolves.
That was nice of Spider-man to show up and help the Wolvez.
This was a typical screenshot that I would get as a result of the director having Parkinson's or something.
What's up with the chart in the background? To award bankers gold stars for handling robberies very well or something?
I see that 1980's Madonna paid a visit.
Sure enough later that night, Asiman is having some meeting with people begging them for money and they are drinking blood from that blood bank. Before Asiman can take a drink, he gets a phone call, but the others aren't so lucky and they die from garlic poisoning. Now Asiman is pissed off.

He walks into Lou's empty apartment and just simply says "We're at war" and he leaves. Lou is like "Ok, then!" Lou and his gang (now down to 2 original members but I think they recruited some from a college campus somewhere) are stocking up on vampire weapons like wooden stakes and tons of crosses. At vampire headquarters, Dharma is like "I know what'll kill a werewolf! If we cut off his dick at the base!" Um, that would kill ANY guy, werewolf or not. There's a funny gag about who's gonna hold the werewolves dicks and Dhamp is like "I'll do it." Guess she's bi-sexual after all.

Sometime later, there's a weird noise on screen but I couldn't figure out what the hell it was. What’s going on is the camera is shaking and the wolves are freaking out and they run out of the apartment. Outside is a bunch of construction equipment just simply sitting there. They howl at this and leave. I'm GUESSING the non-motion construction equipment is somehow knocking down the apartment building. But this isn't made very clear.

Later that night, the wolves go to some vampire dive bar and shoot the workers there. Asiman gets word of this and goes there to check it out himself. They are ambushed by Lou and his gang and a not-so-exciting fight takes place. Lou and his crew leave and D'ho decides to stage a mutiny and kill Asiman. But she ran out of bullets before doing so, so Asiman kills her with a plunger.

I swear.
Wow, he sure "plunged" that into her heart! HAHA!!!
(Kill me.)
Asiman, now knowing that his wife is a lesbian, kills her for betraying him or something like that. Jamila says something that doesn't make sense about her turning him into a vampire and she's the real leader or something. I dunno, whatever, she died. Done and done.

So now it's time for the final showdown. They meet up in the crappy dance hall and Lou wants to settle it peacefully, but Asiman is like "Fuck that" and another poorly choreographed fight scene takes place, where I'm not sure who's a vampire and who's a wolf. In the end it don't matter cause it's down to only Asiman and Lou and before Lou can shoot Asiman, Asiman cuts off Lou's dick, which turns him human before dying. Asiman, I guess, dies too. So...nobody won. Yay!
This movie had it's moments, but overall it just sucked. The camera was way to shaky at times, which is why I don't have as many images because anytime I hit pause, the image I wanted was already gone or was too blurry to see a damn thing. The acting was ok I guess. I did believe Asiman was an asshole, Jamila was a lesbian, and Lou was a ghetto werewolf. But the fight scenes were horrible and we really really didn't need to see Lobo take a shit on the floor. And I wasn't sure who I was suppose to be rooting for the whole movie, but I went with Lou cause he made me laugh. Plus I live in Gary, which if this movie is correct and all ghetto people are werewolves, I need to watch my back.
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