Bratz: The Movie
The One That Almost Killed Me
Yasmin-The "hispanic" one. Gets stage fright, so perfect person you want in your girl group.
Sasha-The black one. Into cheerleading and you best better not disrespect her.
Jade-The "asian" one. Is also the "smart" one, but being the "smart" one in this group is like being the smartest one with Down Syndrome. (Yeah I stole that, what do you care?)
Cloe-The ditzy blonde one, so ditzy her name is misspelled. She's the "jock" which doesn't make a lot of sense on a lot of levels.
Meredith-The villain of the movie. She's been class president for 25 years now and she'll be damned if a group of hot fashionistas is gonna ruin her school life!
Dylan-A deaf dude who falls for Yasmin.
Principal Dimley-Played by Jon Voight. Poor Jon. Did you REALLY need the money? I mean National Treasure and it's sequel wasn't THAT bad.
You know how "Transformers" started off as toys and then the cartoon came around, then eventually a cartoon movie, and then eventually a live action movie? Ok well..."Bratz" is the anti-Christ. Just simply...The Anti-Christ. Satan is involved with the making of this movie, I am sure of it. The world associates Satan with heavy metal music for some reason. But no, cause metal music is good. The kind of music Satan would most likely listen to is stupid poppy teenybopper music that makes the normal person go buy a gun, patiently wait out the 5 day waiting period, then massacre everyone within a ten or twenty mile radius, then slowly put the gun to themselves.

In other words, you might wanna check up on me in 4 days.

We are introduced to Yasmin, Cloe, Sasha, and Jade the four horseman of the apocalypse as they get ready for their first day at school. They talk via webcam cause it makes it oh-so-modern and they try on clothes. Yes, they take their clothes off in front of their webcam. Me thinks their adult careers are planned out for them. (NO, we don't ACTUALLY seem them undressing but the idea is there.)

And we're introduced to Yasmin's stereotypical family. See, Yasmin is "hispanic", which I put in quotes cause Richard Simmons looks more hispanic than her. And if you didn't pick up on the fact that Yasmin was suppose to be hispanic by all the spanish she starts talking, she wonders by a random mariachi band who's just chillin' in the kitchen. They may be related to Yasmin, or this family wants REAL mariachi music for breakfast.

And if you need to hire a matronly hispanic woman, who would you cast? Rosie Perez? Rita Moreno? Antonio Banderas in drag? Any of those would be better then who the producers of "Bratz" ultimately picked. The mother from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". So I guess she's Greek-Hispanic?

We also get a glimpse into Sasha's life when we learn that her parents are split up and they refuse to talk to each other, even about simple things like taking Sasha to the dentist.
Oh thank god, NOW it's finally over. I don't really know what to say. Everything just sucked. The acting the story the singing and "message" which is it's ok to be fabulous as long as you're not bitchy about it, other then that, stick with your own kind...or something. I don't know.
Fuck it, I'm stealing a gun from Wal-Mart.
Read The Reviews!
Tony Manero as a child.
My Big Fat Questionable Ethnic Orgin Wedding
Welcome To Stereotype Manor!
Mi Dios Miho!
The black chick needs Nair or a better razor.
(Click to see bigger...if you dare.)
We are now introduced to Meredith, who will be our villain for the remainder of the movie length, which is roughly 20 and a half hours. Meredith is the school president, which I guess either means she's a sophomore when we meet her, or she's been at this school for roughly 15 years. Either wouldn't surprise me honestly.

Meredith has taken it upon herself to put the entire student body into groups, or "cliques" and as GOD as her witness, they will stay in those groups! Well, here comes out "bratz" to shake things up! Meredith isn't too happy about the appearance of these four girls that don't really do anything.

The name of the school interested me, Carry Nation. I googled the name and found this . That's some heavy shit right there for an annoying kids movie. Especially one aimed for shallow girls.

Eventually, each of the "Bratz" try out for different things, except for Yasmin, who doesn't really fit in anywhere. Maybe there's a Fake Hispanic club she could try out for. Sasha decides to rip off "Bring It On" by doing some fancy cheerleading moves. And let's ignore the fact that while doing these complicated moves, she turned white for a few seconds there.

I will say this though. Cloe (Learn to spell, toy makers) who is the ditzy blonde wasn't the cheerleader. She was the "jock", which means she kinda likes to play soccer. Jade, who keeps going on and on and fucking on about fashion joins some fashion club, along with some super smart club.

Gah! This whole thing is what "High School Musical" would've been like if the characters didn't break into song at random intervals. I suppose if Bratz 2 were to happen, they'll be on summer break and working at Meredith's tanning salon or something.

Oh god I gave somebody an idea for a sequel. NO NO NO!! DO NOT MAKING A FUCKING SEQUEL!! My gun is coming in 4 days. Don't tempt me.

Anyway. Jon Voight decides to embarrass himself by appearing as the principal and Meredith's father. He doesn't really do much except look like Harvey Keitel and go "Yes...buttercup" cause he doesn't know his daughter's name.

Meredith's friends wonder what they should do about the Bratz being so bold face and breaking the group rule but she sits by and let nature take it's course. Which means the cheerleaders invite Sasha to sit with them, then the soccer team with Cloe, and the nerds with Jade. Poor Fake Hispanic Yasmin is by herself. AWWWW!!!!
Jeez...what a spoiled fuckin' bitch.
Oh and the dog too.
Not Listed: Seating For People Who Love This Movie
Chapter 10: How To Ruin Your Career While Looking Like Harvey Keitel.
Yes this really appeared in the movie.
No I don't know why.
And because everyone is busy with their stuff, they sorta stopped being friends. Which means this movie can end! YAY!!!!!!

Uh, no. Now we jump forward two years. Sheesh, that's a hell of a jump. Might as well make it 25 and show them working for the same business while not being friends. Whatever.

Anyway, everyone's too busy being in their groups to hang out, which makes me wonder what they did during the summer. Couldn't they have hung out then? I mean it's not like a whole lot of soccer games, or cheerleading, or smart stuff happen during the summer. Look at me. It's summer and I'm sitting inside watching god awful movies about bratty teenage girls who literally say "O.M.G!".

Oh right, nothing in this damn movie has to make sense. It's all about looking good. Let me get a halter top on with the sparkles and I'll finish this review.

It's a little tight but it'll do.

Ok anyway. Meredith's boyfriend Cameron or something is starting to take notice to Choe, maybe cause her name is misspelled or something, which pisses Meredith off. She's so mad she sends her pomeranian Paris (seriously) to...do something. This makes Cloe trip and her food falls on Yasmin, who instead of being cool about it, gets mad.

Ugh. I don't wanna think about this scene. This scene made me open my last beer and I was finished with the whole thing by the end of it. It's THAT bad.

Alright, alright. Somehow, Yasmin falls backwards which makes her fall into Sasha's food, which somehow splatters all over her. Sasha yells at Yasmin and this causes a skateboard to magically appear and make Sasha trip over it and splatter food on Jade, who throws food at Sasha. I FUCKING kid you not, someone yells out FOOD FIGHT and one proceeds to happen.

Yeah, the food fight scene was good and funny in "Animal House" but here, it's just depressing. Don't ask me how cause I was busy hitting myself in the head with the beer bottle, but the four Bratz end up knocking over this bust of Principal Dimley. Of course he just happens to come by at this moment and he does the most logical thing: expelling them, which means they all don't go to college, and they end up becoming strippers and prostitutes, while addicted to every drug on the market, where they eventually end up on A&E's "Intervention", where Sasha & Yasmin proceed to stop it, but Jade is still addicted. As for Chle it's too late cause she OD'd last year on some weird meth/pixie stick combo.

Oh, no wait. They just get detention. There in detention they work things out and decide to beat the clique thing going on by dressing FABULOUS!!! Oh and something about standing up for themselves.

Can you believe that this movie is only at the half hour mark? I swear this movie defies all logic and space and time and whatever else. I should show this to Stephen Hawking and see what he thinks. Then his computer voice will tell me to fuck off while he runs me over.

So they do just that (get FABULOUS, not run me over) and the next day they stick to their guns and with each other, until the entire school is looking at them like they all have four heads and all four heads is wearing way too much makeup. So it's time for plan B: talk to each group and make them do stuff that's outside their group. That means teaching the jocks about math, having the geeks learn kung fu and kick some jock's ass, and other stuff.

Among all this crap, Dylan learns how to be a DJ by the music teacher, who looks like Norbit, and anything that reminds me of THAT fuckin movie should just be shot right now. Four more days...four more days...

Meredith isn't too happy about all this stuff happening to "her school" and comes up with a fool proof plan: have a second sweet 16 party and be on that one MTV show about stuff like that!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh dear sweet Jesus help me now.

Yasmin's younger brother, named Paco or Hector or something like that shows up and he hits on Meredith's 8 year old sister. I swear I'm not making that up. Paco/Hector is like 15 and he's hitting on an 8-year-old girl. Words can't...nothing. No. Booze. Good. Yum.
"Rasputia t-t-told me I hadta get a j-j-job"
That's a good hairstyle. If you're trying to look like you just woke up from a 3-day drug binge with Amy Winehouse.
The Bratz run a seminar on how to turn YOUR 11-year-old into a slut. Well done, movie. Well done.
"Oh and Surrender Dorothy."
Paco gives Meredith this video he made of his sister masturbating. Ok THAT I'm kidding about, but I wouldn't put it past this perv to have one. He has a video of Yasmin dancing around wearing a mud mask while singing with the Greek Hispanic lady. Meredith puts this on some weird flashdrive that she carries around with her that everyone's scared of.

Another what the fuck does any of this have to do with anything moment arrives when Cloe's mom is passed out on the couch after cooking a shitload of something. Chle is like "You go to sleep, Mom" and she calls in her fellow "Bratz" to finish the job, which turns into a musical montage of course.

We learn that all these baked good are for Meredith's party, Mom runs a catering business, AND all of Mom's assistants just quit or left or died or something. So, again, it's up to the Bratz to save the day! They show up at Meredith's and she makes them dress like that one krumping clown and seems rather pleased with herself.

Jade calls for an fashion emergency and they make their own outfits and suddenly they're hot and FABULOUS!!!! They're so hot and fabulous that they take all the attention away from Meredith, who's riding on an elephant. Speaking of elephant, wouldn't it be great if a school shooting took place right about now? (In the movie, not in real life. I'm not that evil.)

It's now time for Meredith to perform a song! YAY!!!! And of course, the song is about how self absorbed she is, which annoys everyone. Meredith decides to take this opportunity to make fun of Yasmin by showing the video her brother took of her dancing in a mud pack. Dylan uses this opportunity to save Yasmin by dancing to her singing and trying to get everyone involved. Meredith tries to break everything up, but she ends up falling into a pool, which makes her cry. And here is where said foursome get the name "Bratz" from, after Meredith yelled it out at them.

Ugh. It's only an hour into the movie. How can this be?
In case you can't tell what's going on, Meredith is getting pampered for her Sweet 16 and she took along her dog and-Oh I can't even finish this.
Hm I figured taking LSD and acid at the same time would help things.
The next step to breaking the hold Meredith has on everybody is to enter the talent show. Oh of course there's a fucking talent show. We gotta make this SOOOO much like "High School Musical" you know! And to further remind everyone of it, Meredith/Sharpay always wins it AND seems to be in charge of it.

Which confused me. If she's in charge and we get endless scene after endless scene of people trying out for the talent show and she picks who's in and who's not, how are the "Bratz" gonna get in? Well, that don't matter cause Yasmin don't wanna do it. So the movie's over, Meredith won and I'm happy with that. Yay!

Ugh. No. Someone gives a tearjerking scene about Chole not having money to go to college, and the prize of the talent show is a scholarship so they need to do this for her! Yasmin finally agrees and they agree on the name Bratz as the name of their girl group and we get another montage of them putting their show together, which means involving everyone in the school to do something.

Meredith decides to put an end to this happy sunshine montage by telling Yasmin if they all continue with the talent show, she'll show a bunch of embarrassing stuff she has that'll ruin the lives of everybody. So Yasmin, instead of telling the Bratz that Meredith is blackmailing them, decides to act like a bitch and be like "Yuck. Talent Show. WHATEVER!" and just act all bitchy all out of nowhere. Instead of finding this odd, the others goes "Screw you" and abandon Yasmin.
YAY!!! I can stop watching!!!!
Several cries later (from Yasmin and me), Yasmin decides to tell the other Bratz and the other Bratz decide to listen to what Yasmin has to say and they decide to continue on with the talent show, even if it means Meredith totally embarrasses them all. So pretty much this whole thing with Yasmin not wanting to do the show was pointless and a waste of time.
Soto smash!

Finally, it's the talent show and of course much like Sharpay, Meredith's act is totally overdone and of course all about her. Before Principal Should Be Ashamed Of Himself could announce the winner, the Bratz step forward and say it's their turn. Meredith reveals what the embarrassing stuff was.

I don't know if you can handle such a shock, dear reader. I mean, my god, this is some horrible shit Meredith has on the girls. Ok, don't say I didn't warn you...

Did you know that Jade...is a NERD?!?! GASP!!!!!
And Chole's Mom...USE TO BE A MAID FOR MEREDITH!!!!
And that Yasmin really isn't hispanic????? AHHH!!!!!!!

All these things are followed by each Brat saying they're not ashamed of who they are and they love their parents and everybody and blah blah blah. This also causes everybody in the audience to stand up and confess their most inner dark secret! Hey, didn't something similar happen in-oh I won't even say it.

Anyway, the Bratz continue on with the show, now that everyone knows each others horrible skeletons in their closet and this fucking song...I swear...I wanted to just smash my head through the monitor...it's called "Bratitude" and...they rhymed every.singe.fucking.word in the English dictionary with -titude. Like Magictude and funatude and loveatude and suckatude and for the love of fucking GOD somebody kill me-tude.

The upside is the movie is almost over! YAY!

Principal announces that there's a tie for the talent show. Meredith wins the trophy part and the Bratz win the scholarship. Everybody in the school decides to just simply kill Meredith for being such a bitch and they elect all the Bratz to school president, where everybody lives happily ever after.

Ok, I'm kidding about some of that. You figure out which parts.

OH! I lied. The movie isn't over yet. Yeah, I know it should've ended with that, but no. This movie just had to continue. Some dude from MTV liked the Bratz performance and invited them to be a girl group and perform on the red carpet for some show and they say yes.

The credits are rolling! THE MOVIE'S OVER!!! YA-

What?? WHY IS STUFF STILL HAPPENING??? END YOU FUCKING MISERABLE PIECE OF SHIT END!!!!!

Ugh. The bratz sing and for whatever reason Meredith and her dad are hiding out on a rooftop somewhere and simply watch this. There's no point to any of this except to drive me mad. MAD I SAY!!! MU HAHAHAHA!!!

And of fucking course, one of the chicks who plays the Bratz is some singer IRL and we get a FULL music video of some annoying song. I'm suffering so much here that Metallica could turn my suffering into a song.