Cabin Fever
DON'T DRINK THE WATER!!!!
The Hermit-Guy who lives in the woods. Gets the disease first.
Bert- He's "The Annoying Asshole" character.
Jeff-Weird blonde dude who looks like he's gonna need Rogaine in about a month. Is dating Marcy and decides to get drunk off his ass when it starts raining shit.
Paul-Quiet dude with a secret crush on Karen. I guess he's the main character?
Marcy-Jeff's hot girlfriend. We see her naked a few times. The only good thing about this movie.
Karen-The girl Paul has a crush on. Gets sick second when she starts drinking a SHITLOAD of water.
Justin AKA "Grim"-Weird skateboarding dude with a huge bag of pot. Has a dog. That's about it.
Dennis-Weird kid who sits on the porch of the store. He has the best scene, described below.
Dennis' Dad-Works at the store. Gets a posse together to hunt the infected kids.
Old Guy-He says something that's taken as racist. He runs the store.
Deputy Winston-This dude looks like he's about 15 years old. And he has a horrible mustache.
The movie starts off with a guy they later call "The Hermit", cause I guess he was in Herman Hermits at one point, waving a dead squirrel in front of his (obvious) dead dog, not realizing that it is quite dead. He does this for about five minutes (Shot in real time) until he decides to poke the dog with a stick (or the squirrel, I can't recall right now) and comes to the conclusion that Sparky The Wonder Dog is dead.

Then we meet up with the freshly graduated college kids who decide, like any typical horror movie, to spend their vacation in some isolated spot full of weirdos so when it starts raining shit, they're totally helpless. Damn it, I want a horror movie where shit happens in a fully packed hotel/resort at Cancun. Anyway, this isolated spot is a cabin in some woods somewhere (Yet again, the town(s) don't have a name). They stop at the general store where a kid is on the porch swing. Jeff sits next to him and is innocently talking to him...

WHEN THE KID FREAKS OUT AND BITES HIM!!!! And yes, I am serious. A creepy kid bit someone. This just has shades of "Deliverance" written all over it. This dude, who's name escapes me, rushes out yelling "Everyone knows to never sit next to Dennis".

I'm guessing this movie's cannibal is named Dennis. Last movie I saw with a cannibal in it, his name was Kevin. Scary, huh?

The kids talk to the old man in the store, where he makes a seemingly racist remark, and everyone takes off. They get to their cabin, Jeff and Marcy get to the fuckin', and Paul is trying to do the same with Karen. Bert decides to shoot some squirrels to prove that he's an asshole.
Let me tell you, dear readers, this movie almost beat me. I thought I was going to declare this one a failure and be the first time in reviewing history where I just plain gave up on a movie. I was SO close to just stopping it in the middle and writing on here "I give up. Figure it out yourselves". But...

Something inside me knew I must go on. That there are people, albeit a small number, who count on, even depend on my wacky, strangely worded reviews. I, representing the common movie goer, must do battle with this movie, so you, my friends, can live on to carry out my message.

And my message is this:
I HATE THIS FUCKIN MOVIE!!!

Yes...for the second week in a row, I watched a god awful "horror" movie, leaving me want to bash my brains in with a rock. Hell, I'm thinking about going back to my review for "Dreamcatcher", writing, "Ok, I recommend you watch this after 'House of the Dead' and 'Cabin Fever' because after watching those two, watching 'Dreamcatcher' is like watching 'Pulp Fiction'".

And you want to hear something that truly scares me? There are people, famous people and regular people alike, who like this movie. You really need to question the sanity of these people.
He accidently shoots "The Hermit" cause he didn't like his rendition of "So Happy Together", and instead of notifying anyone, he leaves him for dead and runs away.

The scenes with Paul and Karen go on for a very long time making me have this exchange with myself because I was slowly going insane:

"You got your teenage drama movie in my horror movie!"
"You got your horror movie in my teenage drama movie!"
"Damn you, Dawson's Creek!!"

It was at this point that everyone in my house almost called the doctors but I assured them I was fine and I pressed on with the movie.
It finally becomes night time, Paul tells some scary story about a killer killing bowling alley employees, which made me wish they made THAT movie instead of this, but I digress. They get interrupted by Justin, who wants to be called "Grim", so there can be a play on words later in the movie. Justin is a very weird, creepy skateborder dude with a big bag of pot, which the gang welcomes with open arms. They smoke for approximately 30 seconds when it starts to rain.

Grim goes on his merry way again and the gang goes into the cabin. There's a knock on the door later, and thinking it's Grim, opens it. But no, it's The Hermit, and he wants to sing to them. This freaks everyone out and they hit him with baseball bats, shoot at him, and eventually light him on fire. He runs off into the woods, where I assume Smokey The Bear yelled at him for running in the woods on fire.

Actually what happens is the main focus of the movie: he falls into the water supply, which, in case I gotta point it out, whatever weird disease he has is being carried into the water. Which at this point, I had the Dave Matthews Band song "Don't Drink The Water" in my head the rest of the movie.

What happens next is everyone feels bad for roasting the dude, they leave to get some help, then they try to fix their truck cause they bashed it to hell when the hermit was terrorizing them, next they talk to some friendly local's, and Paul constantly give Karen some water.
So...yeah...you can see where this is going.

Paul, who checks in on Karen, decides to take advantage of her being all sick and knocked out by, sticking his fingers in the holiest of all parts of a woman and what he finds is every guy's worst nightmare. He's got blood on his hands.

Yes, let those "Damn, that's a fucked up period" jokes fly, lord knows I did.
Here's a few:
"Yikes! We're gonna need a bigger tampon!"
"Sheesh you have some big ovaries!"
"You giving birth to Rosemary's Baby or something?"

And so on.

Well, Paul freaks out and everyone decides to exile Karen into the tool shed. Jeff handled the situation the best by grabbing all the beer he could and leaving to some cave to get drunk off his ass. Bert, proving he's good for something, fixes the truck and takes off to get help, cause he's developing symptoms himself.

Now... This is the part, my friends. The part where I saw Satan himself, nearly gave up, wanting to run with my tail between my legs, and nearly joined the priesthood. I also want to state that never in my entire movie going carrer have I walked out of a movie. Sure, at home I stopped a few movies in the middle cause they were god awful, I won't lie to you, but I'll say that if I saw this at a theater, I probably would've walked out at this point. So let's enjoy Satan's Wrath together, shall we?

Bert comes to the store they went to at the beginning and he calls out to Dennis. He didn't sit next to Dennis, he didn't offer Dennis a candybar, he didn't call him names. He just said "HEY! Call a doctor!" What is Dennis' response? And I am serious here.

"PANCAKES!!!!!! PANCAKES!!!!"

THEN he does some weird kung-fu move in the air, which lands him near Bert, AND then he bites him.

Let's review. Pancakes. Kung-fu. Biting.

NOW you get why I'm in pain here. I'm all for out of place humorous situations in movies, don't get me wrong. But there's a time and place in movies for that. When you just watched a bunch of people contract a flesh eating bacteria that's eating them, having a little blonde kid yell out a breakfast food item, then summon the powers of Mr. Miyagi, that is neither the time nor place.
Then it gets even stupider, which I'm willing to bet because:
A-The writers were on serious crack
Or
B-The filmmakers knew no one would stick around after the "Pancake" scene (Which is what I'm calling it), so they decide to do any damn thing they want.

The kid's father freaks out, thinking Bert caused Dennis to bite him and as a result got Dennis sick, so he wants to kill Bert. So he gets a posse to go after Bert and the other sick kids.

Karen is wastin' away in Margaritaville...er, the tool shed. Marcy and Paul, knowing they're gonna die, decide to have some quick "We're gonna die" sex, which is probably pretty good sex. I never had "We're gonna die" sex, but it looks interesting. After the sex, Marcy sees she too is getting sick.

It's difficult to place the sequence of things after this point cause everything just sort of jumbled up in my mind. So here's what I can recall after the Paul/Marcy sex scene.
Paul finding Karen totally rotted away so he kills her.

The posse finds the cabin, where a weird shootout occurs, where the posse, and Bert, get killed.

Marcy, who is really getting sick, runs out to save Karen from a pack of wild dogs, only to be eaten by said dogs herself.

Paul finding Grim in a cave, dead, causing Paul to just say "Grim!". HAHA!!

Paul meeting up with Deputy Winston, who looks like he's about 15 with a really crappy moustache. Winston, who came earlier in the movie, promised a tow truck for them but never actually came through.

Paul driving a truck, hits a deer that literally came out of nowhere, comes crashing through the window, Paul shoots at it, and it's blood sprays everywhere.

Paul meeting up with Winston again at a party, covered in blood, making everyone think he went "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" on his friends.

Some hippie dude chokes on his harmonica.

Paul hits Winston on the head with a stick.

A trucker throws Paul in the general direction of the hospital.

Doctors telling the sheriff he needs to leave.

Jeff waking up from his drinking binge finding everyone dead, but in a weird homage to "Night of the Living Dead", shoot him, thinking he's infected. And to continue the homage, throws his body on a fire.

Winston dumping Paul's dead body in the SAME water supply.

The old man from the store, who sounded like a racist in the beginning, was really talking "hip hop" and was "down" with some homies, even jamming with them.

Some kids getting water from the water supply to make lemonade, which the cops, and hip hoppers drank.

And at the very end, a weird and stupid message about bottled water came into play.
Read The Reviews!
Yeah...soooo...I'm gonna go print up some T-Shirts that say "I Survived Cabin Fever and All I did Was Print Up These Lousy T-Shirts". I should be qualified for a Purple Heart after this.
And why in god's name did Peter Jackson halt the filming of "Lord of The Rings" to watch this movie THREE TIMES? AND making the cast and crew watch it?
Ok. No more "horror" movies. Next week, I'm doing a comedy. I need to laugh. I need something that doesn't involve horror in any way, shape, or form. If I have to sit through one more "kids in some forest who get killed one by one" movie, I'm gonna do a Murphy from "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" and commit myself into an asylum, locking myself away from the outside world.
Ok, that's a little extreme. But YOU didn't sit through this movie. Or maybe you did. Either way.