Cabin Fever
DON'T DRINK THE WATER!!!!
The Hermit-Guy who lives in the woods. Gets the disease first.
Bert- He's "The Annoying Asshole" character.
Jeff-Weird blonde dude who looks like he's gonna need Rogaine in about a month. Is dating Marcy and decides to get drunk off his ass when it starts raining shit.
Paul-Quiet dude with a secret crush on Karen. I guess he's the main character?
Marcy-Jeff's hot girlfriend. We see her naked a few times. The only good thing about this movie.
Karen-The girl Paul has a crush on. Gets sick second when she starts drinking a SHITLOAD of water.
Justin AKA "Grim"-Played by Eli Roth himself. Weird skateboarding dude with a huge bag of pot. Has a dog. That's about it.
Dennis-Weird kid who sits on the porch of the store. He has the best scene, described below.
Dennis' Dad-Works at the store. Gets a posse together to hunt the infected kids.
Old Guy-He says something that's taken as racist. He runs the store.
Deputy Winston-This dude looks like he's about 15 years old. And he has a horrible mustache.
I orginally wrote this review as part of my "Friday Night Video Review" that I did way the hell back in 2004. When I watched it then, I hated this movie so much I never wanted to watch it again. Then I got this site and I added pictures to my reviews and I put this review up and, well, I HAD to watch it again.

Oddly enough, I didn't hate it as much this time but it's still a crappy movie.

The movie starts off with a guy they later call "The Hermit", cause I guess he was in Herman Hermits at one point, waving a dead squirrel in front of his (obvious) dead dog, not realizing that it is quite dead. He does this for about five minutes (Shot in real time) until he decides to poke the dog with a stick (or the squirrel, I can't recall right now) and comes to the conclusion that Sparky The Wonder Dog is dead.

Then we meet up with the freshly graduated college kids who decide, like any typical horror movie, to spend their vacation in some isolated spot full of weirdos so when it starts raining shit, they're totally helpless. Damn it, I want a horror movie where shit happens in a fully packed hotel/resort at Cancun. Anyway, this isolated spot is a cabin in some woods somewhere (Yet again, the town(s) don't have a name). They stop at the general store where a kid is on the porch swing. Jeff sits next to him and is innocently talking to him...

WHEN THE KID FREAKS OUT AND BITES HIM!!!! And yes, I am serious. A creepy kid bit someone. This just has shades of "Deliverance" written all over it. This dude, who's name escapes me, rushes out yelling "Everyone knows to never sit next to Dennis".

I'm guessing this movie's cannibal is named Dennis. Last movie I saw with a cannibal in it, his name was Kevin. Scary, huh?

The kids talk to the old man in the store, where he makes a seemingly racist remark, and everyone takes off. They get to their cabin, Jeff and Marcy get to the fuckin', and Paul is trying to do the same with Karen. Bert decides to shoot some squirrels to prove that he's an asshole.
He accidently shoots "The Hermit" cause he didn't like his rendition of "So Happy Together", and instead of notifying anyone, he leaves him for dead and runs away.

The scenes with Paul and Karen go on for a very long time making me have this exchange with myself because I was slowly going insane:

"You got your teenage drama movie in my horror movie!"
"You got your horror movie in my teenage drama movie!"
"Damn you, Dawson's Creek!!"

It was at this point that everyone in my house almost called the doctors but I assured them I was fine and I pressed on with the movie.

It finally becomes night time, Paul tells some scary story about a killer killing bowling alley employees, which made me wish they made THAT movie instead of this, but I digress. They get interrupted by Justin, who wants to be called "Grim", so there can be a play on words later in the movie. Justin is a very weird, creepy skateborder dude with a big bag of pot, which the gang welcomes with open arms. They smoke for approximately 30 seconds when it starts to rain.

Grim goes on his merry way again and the gang goes into the cabin. There's a knock on the door later, and thinking it's Grim, opens it. But no, it's The Hermit, and he wants to sing to them. This freaks everyone out and they hit him with baseball bats, shoot at him, and eventually light him on fire. He runs off into the woods, where I assume Smokey The Bear yelled at him for running in the woods on fire.

Actually what happens is the main focus of the movie: he falls into the water supply, which, in case I gotta point it out, whatever weird disease he has is being carried into the water. I had the Dave Matthews Band song "Don't Drink The Water" in my head the rest of the movie.

What happens next is everyone feels bad for roasting the dude, they leave to get some help, then they try to fix their truck cause they bashed it to hell when the hermit was terrorizing them. In between talking to some friendly local's, Paul constantly give Karen some water. Like, A LOT of water. A SHITLOAD of water.

So...yeah...you can see where this is going.

Paul, who checks in on Karen, decides to take advantage of her being all sick and knocked out and stuff by sticking his fingers in the holiest of all parts of a woman and what he finds is every guy's worst nightmare. He's got blood on his hands.
Well, Paul freaks out and everyone decides to exile Karen into the tool shed. Jeff handled the situation the best by grabbing all the beer he could and leaving to some cave to get drunk off his ass. Bert, proving he's good for something, fixes the truck and takes off to get help, cause he's developing symptoms himself.

This part right here ended up being the best part of the entire movie, which is saying something. Anytime anyone brings up "Cabin Fever" this is what I think of.

Bert comes to the store they went to at the beginning and he calls out to Dennis. He didn't sit next to Dennis, he didn't offer Dennis a candybar, he didn't call him names. He just said "HEY! Call a doctor!" What is Dennis' response? And I am serious here.

"PANCAKES!!!!!! PANCAKES!!!!"

THEN he does some weird kung-fu move in the air, which lands him near Bert, AND then he bites him.

You know what, it's best if you see it for yourself.
So my opinion about this movie is SLIGHTLY different, but I still don't like it. After watching it a second time, knowing what's going to happen, it makes the movie WORSE in my opinion. How did Jeff not get sick? Is drinking booze all night long the cure? And if you think about it, the disease never really kills anyone per se. It just makes fucked up things happen. The Hermit was killed by the gang via fire. Karen got killed by Paul. Marcy got killed by a dog. Bert got killed by hicks. Paul got killed by the cops. Jeff got killed by the cops as well. So for all we know, fucked up shit happens to you, then you get better. Yeah, you got some scarring afterwards, but hey, isn't that what plastic surgery is for?
Read The Reviews!
"C'mon clearly dead dog! Eat the clearly dead rabbit!"
This image is just oozing douchebag, doesn't it?
"Yeah, I can see your hairline receeding from here, dude!"
If a tree falls on an asshole who's pissing in the woods, does anyone care?
Jeez, did it turn into a Dateline NBC re-inactment suddenly?
"Special" Apperance by Eli Roth. Yes I put "special" in quotes.
This is an actual shot of the movie. Not complaining but keep it in your pants, Eli.
"Ew, were you fucking the Smuckers guy earlier or something?
The kid's father freaks out for getting Dennis sick, nevermind the fact his kid has some mental issues that need to be worked out and decides he wants to kill Bert. After gathering a posse, he goes after Bert and the other sick kids.

Karen is wastin' away in Margaritaville...er, the tool shed. Marcy and Paul, knowing they're gonna die, decide to have some quick "We're gonna die" sex, which is probably pretty good sex. I never had "We're gonna die" sex, but it looks interesting. After the sex, Marcy sees she too is getting sick.

And for some stupid reason, Marcy's shaving her legs. Yeah, you got a flesh eating disease that causes your skin to drip off your body and you decide to shave your fucking legs. And the stupid thing is, she seems surprised by the entire thing, like this whole thing is new to her.

Marcy freaks out and runs outside where the killer dog is waiting. She tries to go into the tool shed with Karen but the dog got to her and, I don't know how, literally ripped her to shreds. Paul comes running in to find bits of Marcy everywhere. He checks in on Karen and finds the dog starting to eat her face off. After shooting and killing the dog, Paul mercy kill's Karen with a shovel.

Knowing that the dead hermit dude is just chillin' in the water, he decides to warn the town, but here comes Bert, with a warning about the hillbilly posse. They show up and manage to shoot Bert, but Paul gets an advantage when a comedy of errors happen involving hicks and shotguns. Needless to say, the Posse is dead, along with Bert.

Paul packs up and heads into the woods for help. He finds the posse's truck and takes it (they won't be needing it) when he suddenly runs into a deer...literally. The deer I guess wanted to see if he can fly and ended up with its hooves in the windshield. Paul kills it and goes on his merry way.

He finds a camp site with "underaged" kids and Winston. Paul is covered head to toe in blood, but he asks for help. Winston recognizes him and offers to help when the sherriff alerts Winston about some kids killing people and having a disease and to shoot them on sight.

Instead, Winston tries to be cool but Paul has a coughing fit, causing a panic. Winston, with his priorities in order, is pissed that Paul ruined the party and tries to kill him. There's a weird part where a kid's harmonica somehow gets lodged in his throat. Someone needs to tell Mr. Roth that's not how things happen.
"Hi, I'm Deputy 12-Year-Old."
Stop! STOP STOP STOP!!
Like to see Agent Cooper figure this one out.
It's sad when a dog gets to eat out your girlfriend before you.
"Hi, I'm from the Murder Camp next door. Can you keep it down?"
So Paul wanders onto the highway and passes out. A trucker picks him up and simply drops him off at the hospital. There, he tries to tell the story but everyone is unsympathetic and want him the fuck outta there. Winston is in charge of "taking Paul somewhere".

Jeff stumbles out of the woods and goes back to the cabin, finding blood and Bert's body. He declares that he made it but in a "SHOCKING" twist, he gets shot dead by the police. They put his body on top of Bert's and...I guess what's left of Marcy's body and light it on fire.

Next we see are some kids grabbing a bucket full of contaminated water where the dead body of Paul is floating. The kids are the grandkids of the old racist guy, the loveable bastard. And here come some black people. Uh oh! He's gonna shoot him some black people! Run black people run!

But no. See, it was a misundertanding earlier. When old racist guy used the "N" word, he was trying to sound cool. The black people are his friends and the gun he had for the "N" words are really theirs, all nice and cleaned up.

Hang on. I hate to put any thought into this but Eli fucked up here. Clearly the old guy said at the beginning of the movie when asked about the gun he said "Oh it's for "N's". If the old guy really meant the N-word in a friendly way, he would've said "It's for THE N's". That way, it makes him sound racist (which is the set up of the joke) but in reality he's talking about his homies (which is the punchline). So Eli, don't write any more jokes, you suck.

Anyway.

Soon, everybody jams while drinking lemonade made from the contaminated water. And a shipment of bottled water, which is botted by the same water, goes out into the country. HA HA HA, the end. How delightful.
No I don't know what's going on here, so don't even ask.
How very "Night of the Living Dead"-ian.
"Hi, we're the N-Word Family, here to pick up an order."