| Candy The 60's Sure Were Far Out, Man |
 |
 |
| Candy-Hot blonde, but rather stupid, chick. Pretty much has sex with everyone mentioned below. Mr. Christian-Played by John Austin. Is Candy's father. Yes, he gets a shot at Candy too. It's a 60's movie. Mr. Christian's Brother-Also played by John Austin. Tends to be a jerk at time. He vanishes in the middle of the movie. Mr. Christian's Brother's Wife-Doesn't have a name. Knows how to fly. Gives herself to Dr. Krankheir. Emmanuel-The Hispanic Gardener played by none other than Ringo Starr. I guess he needed Post-Beatles money badly. MacPhisto-Drunk poet played by drunk actor Richard Burton. General Smight-Played by Walter Matthau. It's rather creepy seeing Oscar Madison groping a girl 20 years younger than him. Dr. Krankheit-Played by someone famous but I can't place him at the moment. He stitches his initials on his nurses. Older Doctor-Played by John Huston, who use to direct some westerns and some Marilyn Monroe movies. Now he's an unnamed older doctor who yell a lot. Mobsters, Hunchback & His Band of Thieves, and a Film Maker-Bunch of people Candy runs into while in New York City. Stupid Cops-That's it. Stupid cops. But can drive from New York to Mexico in the same beaten up car. Fake Indian Mystic-Played by Marlon Brando. He tells Candy a bunch of bullshit so they can have tantric sex. Hell, I'd probably do the same thing. |
|
 |
| Ahhh...The 60's. I really don't know what went down during the 60's, so I thought I'd ask my Mom and Dad. But they wouldn't tell me. So instead I have to go by this movie "Candy", which was made in 1968. I heard of this movie from a bad movie review site, so my curiousity was sparked. So I hope you can handle what's about to be thrown at you. Ready? Ok. Movie starts in space with trippy music playing for a good 10 minutes. This is so you can get your joints and bongs ready. After that, we come across the main character, Candy, a somewhat hot blonde chick who looks like Baby Spice at certain times, sitting in a class room. Now to reinstate this, she's suppose to be in college, and her dad, played by John Austin from The Addam's Family fame, is her teacher as well. John Austin's character, Mr. Christian, wants the students to make fun of him behind his back. You heard me. During his rant, some kids tell Candy that the world famous poet MacPhisto is coming! MacPhisto, the drunk poet, is played by famous drunk Richard Burton. He says a few things that suppose to pass as poetry. This isn't what he said but this will give you an idea: "The glass was in the hall, while the walls bleed urine! Oh look! A goat! BAAH!!" Everyone thinks he's a dream boat, and he's got his eye on Candy. He asks her to see him in his limo, so she does. |
|
 |
| Ok, so, what the hell is this movie about? I picked up some message about doctors, religion, and possibly Christians on a whole. Maybe even a bad thing or two about poets. I'm not sure. I think they were just seeing if Ringo Starr could do a hispanic accent.
And I'm gonna give this movie a special rating. The movie in itself was pretty freakin' weird and made no sense so in that aspect it gets 1 star. But for originality and cause a shitload of famous people were in it, plus it wasn't the worse movie I've seen, I'll give it 3 stars for that. |
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
| Now, the movie was pretty normal and bearable up until this point. Then I think the drugs kicked in. Basically, MacPhisto gropes and squeezes Candy, while shouting the word "NEED!". He ends up spilling some booze so he goes and licks it off the floor. The cinematography for this scene must be seen to be believe. They arrive at Candy's house where his driver, Ice, and...get ready for this, the Hispanic gardener played by, you ready? Ringo Starr! Yes! THAT Ringo Starr! Anyway, they take him to Candy's basement, where he starts groping a manniquin. The gardner, Emmanuel, thinks Candy wants him to "get it on" with her, starts doing so. So there's a somewhat strange orgy going on when Mr. Christian and some important people from somewhere show up. Thinking Candy needs to be taught a lesson, Mr. Christian and his brother, also played by John Austin, take Candy to the airport to send her to some school. On the way, Emmanuel's sisters, a biker gang, attacks Mr. Christian. They are saved by the army. Seriously. Lead by Walter Matthau. Seriously. Matthau's character is General Smight. He and his army just basically fly around in the air waiting for a war to start. The army guys attend to Christian when Smight decides to grope Candy some in the cockpit. Insert obvious cockpit joke here. |
| During the grope-fest, Smight accidently hits the switch that tells the army dudes to jump out of the plane. So they do so. Realizing they're gone, Smight jumps out after them, but his parachute gets sort of stuck on the airplane, so he ends up a pancake. The other Mr. Christian has a wife with no name, seriously, and she somehow knows how to fly a plane. So they fly to New York and take the injured Christian to Dr. Krankheit. This is a strange scene (as if the other scenes weren't strange) cause he performs surgery like he's performing an opera. There's even an audience full of rich dressed up snobs who watch, like it's an opera. He operates on Christian, who is saved. Candy goes looking for her Dad in the crazy hospital and meets some really crazy people. She finds him in Christian's recovery room, where there's a swingin' after party happening. The great procedure Krankheit peformed? He put an electrical outlet in Christian's head. And it gets used to plug in a radio to blare Steppenwolf. Man, it hurts thinking about this movie. And this wasn't the worst movie I've seen. But you all know that. Ok, then another doctor played by John Huston comes in, yells at Candy for being a "high school student" getting it on with the doctor AND her uncle (seriously, she was about to get it on with him), when Krankheit takes Candy and performs a special checkup on her. A nurse gets pretty pissed off and shows her that he brands his initals into her, and to every other nurse on staff. He's about to brand her nameless Aunt when she runs out of the hospital. Now we are in New York City where a series of even stranger things happen. There's a scene with some mobsters, who are scared of a art film director. While filming her, he gropes her until the police come. Candy manages to escape, so she heads to Central Park where she meets a dude with a hunchback. He turns out to be a ringleader of a band of theives and while they rob a house, he humps her INSIDE a grand piano. The same cops from before show up and finally arrest Candy, after the hunchback escapes using surreal art. Yep. Surreal Art. I'm not lying. While one of the cops attempts to grope Candy, the other cop crashes into a club full of transvestites. Wait! Where you going?!? It's a club full of transvestites! SHEESH! Anyway, Candy takes this opportunity to escape. While hitchhiking a very young Marlon Brando picks her up in his semi-truck. He is a false god or something who makes up bullshit to get Candy naked and have tantric sex for days, even months, across the country. Finally, Brando's character is found frozen in the back of the truck, a'la Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" and Candy finds herself in Mexico. There, she finds a strange figure covered in caked mud and robes. He leads her to a sewer in L.A, where we find a statue of some God. That falls and crumbles, which is the perfect opportunity to have sex with Candy. Ohh...be prepared for this next sentence. Just get ready. The caked mud washes off and the guy turns out to be... HER FATHER!!!! Whoa...the 60's were really weird. Then basically our minds just melt and we get a very long 20 minute scene where she walks across a field running to every single character from the movie doing various things. Then we go back into space and the audience in the movie theaters are suppose to get naked and dance, I assume. |
 |