| Cinderella 2000 A Lot of Drugs Went Into This |
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| Cindy-The Cinderella of the story. A poor girl who is stuck in the shadow of her bitchy step-mom and step-sisters. Step-Mother-Married Cindy's father, who suddenly died one day. I think it was suicide. Spends the entire movie horny. Bella & Stella-The Step-sisters. They desperately want to get laid, even if it means sharing the same guy. The Controller-The Big Brother of this movie. He's outlawed sex of any kind because he has a big deep dark secret. Tom Prince-The Controller's main "surrogate", meaning he's the only guy allowed to get any. Falls for Cindy. Roscoe The Robot-The most annoying robot in the entire world. If Twiki was designed by Mormons. The Fairy Godfather-Cindy's to be exact. Comes from outer space and has some weird ass assistants. Teachs the entire planet Earth how to screw. |
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| I dunno what is up with people from the 70's making pornish version of fairy tales and/or Disney films. Makes me wonder what the porn version of Pinocchio is like. And I was surprised as hell to find out that this movie was put on DVD. I saw this movie a few months back when my friend Adam lent me his VHS copy. Why this got a DVD release is beyond me.
It's the year 2047 and the entire world is run by The Controller. He has outlawed sex of any kind, along with books and magazines. So pretty much what it would be like if a Mormon was President. The only sex allowed is regulated by The Controller's top surrogate, Tom Prince. Once a week a computer picks a random chick and he gets to bang her. This starts to get tiring for Tom. A couple is trying to have sex themselves but aren't sure how to go about it. They study crude drawings and attempt it when the most annoying robot in the history of the world breaks in. Roscoe is in charge of stopping any illegal "fornication". He captures our wonder couple and takes them in. As punishment, they are shrunk down to dolls and put...somewhere for 6 months. I dunno what the point of this is, wouldn't they just fuck as dolls? |
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| The Karma Sultra: Kids Edition |
| Run! The Pop-O-Matics are taking over!! |
| Married...With Children: 2000 |
| Wilmer Valderamma stars in "Barbie Girl: The Movie" |
| Then we meet our Cinderella, named Cindy. She is scrubbing the floor while her Step-Mother berates her. Her two sisters Stella and Bella (one's white, one's black, and the mom talks in a German accent) have a make-up fight, which I'm sure fulfills someone's fetish out there.
Then out of nowhere, everyone breaks into song, singing about how they'll have to live the rest of their lives without getting some. I change what I said at the beginning. What's up with people making pornographic versions of fairy tales AND making them musicals? Stella excuses herself and sneaks into her room where a guy is waiting. They proceed to illegally fuck. Bella is jealous and Cindy wants to leave. Bella lets her if she doesn't tell anyone about the illegal fucking going on. Bella is then called into the room. Yet another fetish I'm sure. |
| The evil German Step-Mother needs something to suck on, stat! |
| www.covergirlswithmakeup.com/ugly |
| Ew, she got it on with The Master! |
| Stella excuses herself and sneaks into her room where a guy is waiting. They proceed to illegally fuck. Bella is jealous and Cindy wants to leave. Bella lets her if she doesn't tell anyone about the illegal fucking going on. Bella is then called into the room. Yet another fetish I'm sure.
Cindy takes off into the woods and unburies a book. You'll never guess what book she starts reading. Guess. Here's a hint: the beautiful princess arrived in a pumpkin coach to the ball. Hooray for references. Cindy sings some song herself, but I forget about what cause my brain was melting. If I knew what was coming up, I would've saved that melt. A fake space ship lands and a fairy godfather pops out. He says he's here to change the rules and when he's done everyone and their mothers are gonna be fucking up a storm. Then all hell breaks loose. To demonstrate to the virgin Cindy what sex is, he points his wand to two rabbits and they become humans...with rabbit heads. OH MY GOD!! IT'S A FURRY MOVIE!!! AHH!!! The hu-abbits rub against each other and Cindy is all like "Oh. Ok." Then the acid kicks in and more furries appear while the Fairy sings a song about how we all need love. The scene is even more surreal with the presence of the Fairy's "helpers". Finally before I blow my brains out, the Fairy tells Cindy it's up to her to change the world. But he doesn't explain how she's gonna do it. Instead he just take his traveling acid trip and leaves. |
| A Jefferson Starship Album Cover! RUN! |
| Judging by that cold sore on his lip, he has been everywhere in the galaxy. |
| Directed by Sid & Marty Kroft. |
| Oh my god, tell me this isn't happening!! |
| The last thing Hunter S. Thompson saw in his mind before he died. |
| The Step-Mother at home gets so incredibly horny she starts rubbing up against a plant to get off. This is called "a case of the hornies" and Stella and Bella take her to get fixed.
We also learn The Controller has a secret. He has a hidden library full of pornographic stuff and naked pics of chicks and he just sits there, secretly getting off on them. He's also impotent, which is why he banned sex. So no one finds out. That makes a lot of sense. That's like outlawing Tylenol cause you don't want anyone to find out you have a bad headache. Tom meets up with The Controller and laments that he's getting tired of randomly fucking girls. They both decide to throw a ball where anything goes! They both get excited about this and invite random girls to show. Of course Stella and Bella are invited and it's up to Cindy to make their dresses. While trying on dresses, Stella and Bella wrestle topless. More fetishes. |
| "No, it's called a FICUS plant. FICUS!" |
| ALRIGHT! FINALLY!! |
| And now it's the annoying robot's turn to sing a song. Not just any song. A COUNTRY SONG! He sings about how robots need lovin' too and he wants to know "where to plug it in". Then out of nowhere, it turns into a disco and this whole thing makes me glad I wasn't around in the 70's.
After that, it's Ball time and Stella and Bella leave. The Fairy arrives and tells Cindy to get a move on. Or her groove on. Whatever. Cindy says she wasn't invited but that won't stop her! The Fairy uses his wand to dress her and we get a painful montage of all the different dresses she tries on. One of them though is her naked, so I'm not complaining. They finally settle on a dress and the Fairy takes the vibrator Bella uses and turns it into a carriage to go to the ball.... Did I just type that? Yeah...yeah I did. There must've been a horrible smell inside. |
| Didn't think I'd get through the whole review without posting a naked pic of Cindy, did you? |
| Judging from everything I heard about that band, I'd steer clear. |
| Cindy arrives all decked out and Tom immediately takes notice of her. They start doing disco dancing (UGH 70's!) and Cindy asks to be alone. They go into Tom's room and discuss making sex legal again. Tom is all for the idea and to show it, they get naked and do it.
Then for some stupid reason, Roscoe bursts in to arrest him. Um, isn't Tom allowed to do this? And isn't sex allowed on this night? Why do you even exist Roscoe? Thankfully, this is the last we ever see of him. I can only assume that Tom beat the living shit out of him and threw him into a junk heap. Cindy sees that it's midnight and she runs off. Her carriage turns into a vibrator again and Cindy is back to her rags. She runs home, embarrassed. The next day (I guess) Tom begs The Controller to let him look for this mystery girl. The Controller sees how miserable Tom is and lets him. You know how in the original fairy tale, the Prince had a shoe that belonged to Cinderella and he went around putting the shoe on all the chicks in the kingdom until it fit on Cinderella? Well this movie did something kinda...icky with that concept. Here's an equation: Shoe=Tom's Dick + Feet=Cindy's va-jay-jay. In other words, Tom is fucking every girl in this "kingdom" trying to find the right size for this dick, er shoe, er...whatever. I have a headache now. After banging nearly 3 million women, Tom finally arrives at the home of Cindy, Bella, and Stella. First he does Bella, then Stella. They tell Cindy to go in there and give it a shot when the Step-Mom gets another case of the hornies. They rush her back to get treated and the Prince is about to leave all defeated when he looks at Cindy and FINALLY realizes it's her. She could've said something earlier but that would've made too much sense. The Fairy arrives and transports them to The Controller's library, where he's wacking off to The Joy of Sex. This is gonna be the most disturbing thing I ever said. In order for The Controller to make sex legal again...Cindy has to give him a blow job. And Cindy does. And The Controller makes all kinds of horrible grunts and groans. Because of Cindy's wonderful mouth skills, sex is legal again. And we get a montage of scenes from earlier in the movie, including a scene where the Step-Mom tries to get it on with the Fairy. I can only assume everybody lived happily ever after. With STD's. |
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| I...don't know. This is kind of a fun movie but yet it's so annoying, with the disco and that robot. But there were lots of tits in this movie. But the black chick was ugly as hell. And I'm into black chicks. I dunno, maybe this is better to watch with a group of friends. Or while taking lots and lots of drugs. Or both. |
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