Corky Romano-R.I.P Chris Penn

Corky Romano
The Most Annoying FBI Agent-Veterinarian Ever!

Corky Romano-Played by Chris Kattan. An outkast, er outcast of The Romano Crime Family, he went to become the most annoying veterarian ever.
Pops Romano-Played by Peter Falk. The head of the Family. Poor Peter Falk.
Peter Romano-Played by Chris Penn. Corky and Paulie's brother. He's secretly gay. Yes, Chris Penn is playing a gay mafia goon guy.
Paulie Romano-The other brother. He's illiterate and very, very pissed off all the time.
Leo-Played by Fred Ward. I haven't figured out the relationship to the family yet, but he's the FBI informant.
Agent Shuster-Played by Richard Roundtree. Is this where old 70's stars come to die? Anyway, he's the director of the FBI.
Agent Russo-Hot FBI chick Corky falls in love with. I think her and Sandra Bullock have the same acting coach.
Agent Brick Davis-FBI agent who's a major prick.
Agents Cox and Darnell-Two FBI agents who immedately become friends with Corky.

Chris Kattan, I'll admit, can be funny. He was very funny on "Saturday Night Live.” And like most SNL actors, they leave the show to make it into Hollywood. And actually a few of them have succeeded over the years. Mike Meyers, Eddie Murphy, and let's not forget Will Ferrell. But some of them, well, they lack the star power to pull off a movie on their own. Like, say, Rob Scheinder. Sure he's funny, and yeah "Duece Bigalow" is funny, but really, "The Hot Chick"? "Duece Bigalow 2?" Sadly, Chris Kattan falls in this category. He's a funny guy, but he can't be the STAR of the movie. And this movie is an example of why he can't.

The start of the film fills us in on the entire back story. The FBI is gathering evidence against the Romano family, which include "Pops,” Peter, and Paulie. The narration also gives away what was probably suppose to be a bunch of surprises at the end, but maybe they figured no one would stick around to the end to find out. So we learn that not only is Leo the informant, and that Paulie can't read, we also find out that Peter is gay.

While leaving the courthouse, Pops collapses and is rushed to the hospital. Well, no. That would make sense. Actually he's rushed to his big ass mansion, where he's allowed to stay somehow. Guess even the Fed's are compassionate. The family is in an uproar about going to trial and Pops having to go to prison. When Pops finds out that there "might be an informant,” he decides to send his own informant. But it can't be Peter, Paulie, or Mary...I mean Leo. So they have no choice to but send HIM!

Peter Falk is already bored with this movie. Poor guy.

With a rebel yell we want MORE MORE MORE!!!!

Assistant? So what does he do? Hold the dogs down while giving them a shot? Make sure the cat's paperwork is in order?

"Ewww...I'm in this movie." (Yes, I avoided the "Fat Pussy" joke. Sue me.)

Corky has been an outcast from the family for years now because he's, well, different. And he's apparently a big A-Ha fan. He's also an assistant veterinarian. He wants to be more then just assistant, but as we'll see, he barely handles being the assistant.

We're treated to the crazy antics of Chris Kattan has he's doing a check up on a very overweight cat. When the owner doesn't wanna give the cat an enema 9 times a day, she says to kill it. This makes him nervous, I guess, and he starts literally trashing the place, letting every animal in the known world loose from their cages. The cat goes after a bird and Corky chases it, out to where the owners are waiting. They have no choice but to site back in horror as Corky is breaking the neck of their bird from an overweight cat. Needless to say, they all probably left and went to Dr. Lecter's down the street.

During the struggle between the obviously dead bird and the fat cat (Don't sue me, Jim Davis), Corky gets a call from his family. He rushes over and talks to his family for the first time in years. They're immediately annoyed by him. Or maybe annoyed they're in this movie. Whatever. Pops tells Corky they need him to go undercover as an FBI agent and steal all the evidence against Pops and the family.

Here's one thing that don't really make any sense. Leo, the informant, thought of this idea to have Corky sneak into the building and steal the evidence. If he's the one that informed the FBI on all this, why is he trying to steal it? I mean, yeah he might've had a change of heart or got scared or something, but none of that is shown. So it's just a gaping plot hole. Or maybe he thought Corky would get gunned down while stealing it. That's a possibility.

Peter and Paulie take Corky to a computer hacker, played by Zach Galifianakis, and they tell him to make Corky a FBI agent. Zach asks what his name should be and Peter says "I don't care what they call the little pissant.” So Corky's FBI name is Agent Pissant. Ha-ha.

"My brother just found out he has ADD. The ironic thing is he drives a Ford Focus."

There's nothing I can say that'd make this image funny. Sorry.

Paulie puts a wire on Corky's crotch, so several upcoming gags can be put to use, and send him in there. We come to a gag now when he walks through a metal detector, which sets it off. This causes Corky to get all stupid/super jumpy like he's on Ecstasy. Surprisingly he didn't start raving. When the guard sees his badge and realizes he's an agent, he lets him go, and we're treated to more scenes where Chris Kattan is suppose to be nervous but he comes off as annoying.

Corky runs into Shuster, who's an old motha (SHUT YOUR MOUTH!) I'm only talking about Richard Roundtree. DAMN! And Brick Davis. By the way, who names their kid Brick? Doesn't this just ensure he grows up to be a total jackass? Or they’re completely retarded, if you saw "Anchorman.” Anyway, Shuster and Brick read Corky's made up resume, which is really impressive. It lists things that Corky could never do in a million years, like Kung-Fu, speak 200 different languages, and not be FUCKIN ANNOYING! Stop jumping around, Chris! JESUS!

Corky is so intimidated by his own resume that he wants to quit. Back at the car, where the other brothers are waiting, Corky refuses to do this anymore and a very long, and yes annoying, chase ensues as they try to capture Corky. They stop and guilt-trip him by saying it'll kill Pops. This, of course works and Corky goes back in there..

Whoa! Where's your finger at?

"If you don't mind me saying, sir, you are one bad-" "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

"You already signed up to be in this movie, Mr. Kattan. There's no turning back now!"

While trying to get into the evidence room, Shuster sends him along to a crime scene. The subplot of this movie (as if the main one wasn't stupid enough) is there's a big time drug dealer going around called The Night Vulture. And he kills people in very imaginative ways. None of which we see cause this is a "family comedy" and the family who laugh together, grows up to kill their classmates together. Oh and for some reason, we're treated to literally ten thousand CGI flies buzzing around. This scene serves no real purpose other then to get Corky into the evidence room when they hand him a brick of cocaine and tell him to put it in the room.

Now, I'll admit, this upcoming scene was funny, only because I like random bits of humor. While talking to a dog, Corky breaks open the package of cocaine, which causes his eyes to bug out at least 10 times bigger then his face for some ungodly reason. And somehow this gets him "high.” And it's at this point where a teacher makes Corky talk to a bunch of visiting kids from a school. The part I found funny was this line: "I should buy a boat." Yeah it's not much out of context, but in a movie like this, any bit of humor is appreciated.

Off and on throughout the movie, Corky comes back to the house to report on things, and he has to disguise himself because the Fed's are constantly watching their house and they'd suspect something is up. But of course they take a picture of Corky in one of his stupid disguises. That's important for later.

You might think I'm just getting lazy at this point, but seriously the next 30 minutes of the movie is just Corky trying to get into the evidence room, but someone getting in his way and sending him to some case that's going down because he's such an expert. And while he's doing all of that, he's trying to get into the pants of Agent Russo.

Another kind of funny moment is when Corky finds out that two other FBI agents, Cox and Darnell, (Sounds like a 70's singing duo, doesn't it?) are held captive at an underground casino run by Peter and Paulie. So Corky takes it upon himself to save them. Of course he can't get in by the midget bouncer, so he sneaks in and attacks not only one big boobed chick, but two. While being attacked by the second one, the midget runs in and kicks some ass. Then to teach him a lesson, they put his head in a paint can mixer. While he's being mixed, his wallet stumbles out and they see he's a Romano. They immediately let him, and the FBI guys, go. Hilarious.

Oh I get it, he's trying to look like Robert Downy, Jr.

Kathie-Lee Giffard needs to lay off the steroids.

OH MY GOD!!! It's a Mini-Vin Diesel!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!!

Of course Corky has to lie his ass off saying he's also undercover, but no one knows he's undercover. He begs Russo to leave but she won't cause she's an independent woman. Go ahead on with your bad self, Beyonce!

Then we take a baby step forward as Brick, not liking Corky, is trying to get him fired, but Shuster likes Corky too much, which makes Brick insanely jealous. Then a weird scene plays out where it sounds like an old married couple is arguing and they're on the verge of a divorce. We'll just skip that part and go to the next plot point, which is like 20 minutes from here.

During the fight between Brick and Shuster, Corky steals Brick's suitcase, which now houses the evidence against The Romanos (I wonder if Ray is implicated anywhere), and he runs. Back at the house, Corky reads the evidence and finds out that Pops is up for murder! This upsets Corky, so he confronts Pops about it. Pops claim he didn't do any of that stuff, that he's just being framed so he can be put away for life, which in his condition is probably about two weeks. Then all the family secrets come out. And it's stuff we already know. Peter is gay, Paulie can't read, and Corky is just a dork, but he somehow manages to get tough to keep Peter and Paulie from killing each other. Then Corky realizes who the informant is. And we knew this from frame one, so none of what happens next is a big shocker.

Corky says that Pops died of a heart attack, so he sends Leo in there to say his piece. It's here that Leo stupidly admits it was him (WOW!! NO REALLY!! I WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN!) and surprise! Pops isn't dead, and he flashes us. Well, it shows he has a wire on, but still, I saw Peter Falk's man breasts. I'm not a happy man.

So now after all these funny moments, including where Corky shoves his ass into his brother’s face and spends five minutes trying to fart, the plot can advance one step forward. Corky comes home to let the family know that he STILL hasn't gotten the goddamn evidence, but he spots Russo! As a Mexican nurse! Seriously, a Mexican nurse. Hey if Chris Kattan can play Italian, she can be Mexican, ok?

Now picture this, but on a movie theater.

Yet again, picture this, but on a movie theater. No doubt people were running out.

Yep. She's suppose to be a "Mexican Nurse". He's suppose to be an Italian. I dunno.

Now all hell breaks loose as Leo tries to escape while the FBI raid the house, knowing now that Corky is in the Romano family. Corky realizes this, so he goes after him and while he's fighting Leo, Brick shows up to kill Corky because he also figured out that Brick is this Night Vulture dude. Whatever. At this point, I doubt anyone cares. But before Leo and Brick can escape, Russo show up and she and Corky kick some ass. Well, just kick their nads is more like it. With the Romano business and the Night Vulture crap taken care of, the FBI actually offer Corky a job with them. Yeah, cause we need Agent Dork here on the FBI to stop important criminals by singing "There She Goes.” Thankfully, Corky says no, he wants to be a veterinarian.

Next we're at Corky and Russo's wedding. Damn, he's fast. And before Corky and Russo take off, Pops gives a rather pointless speech saying that Peter is gay, Paulie can't read, yada, yada, yada just END!!! With Peter catching the bouquet and catching the glance of some random dude, Corky and Russo drive off, no doubt singing "It's Raining Men.”

From the new video series "Columbo Gone Wild"!

Now I seriously wanted to like this movie, but there was too much Chris Kattan acting annoyingly nervous and doing random stupid things which later he gets rewarded for. It's a little too much for me. And as a final note, I wanted to say I reviewed this movie as this site’s tribute to now late Chris Penn, who I'm sure wished he wasn't in this movie. If you want to see a good Chris Penn movie, skip this movie and get "Reservoir Dogs.” I mean, it's normal for most actors to make a bad or horrible movie, but usually it's in the beginning of their career. This was toward the end, sadly enough.
R.I.P. Nice Guy Eddie.