The Crippled Masters
Only Mildly Offensive!
Lee-Ho-Poor dude who starts the movie with the worse day ever. He loses his arms but that don't stop him from kicking some ass!
Tang-Dude who was evil at first, until he loses his legs. Joins up with Lee to kick ass!
The Master-Randomly shows up to train Lee and Tang. Then randomly vanishes.
Apo-Guy who can kick ass! Turns out to be some secret agent or something.
Chin-Old dude who apparently is the only coffin maker in this town.
Mr. Paul-Our main villain's lackey. Acts like a Japanese/Chinese Jerry Lewis.
Black & White-Two dudes who work for our main villain. You'll see why they're called that.
Lee Chang Ho AKA Mr. Lynn-He's given two names for some reason, so I'll be using the Mr. Lynn one cause it's funny. He's our main villain. He's got a weird thing under his eye and a metal hump on his back. No one seems to mention either one of these things, so I won't either.
With the first few seconds of this movie, Lee-Ho's arms are chopped off. Boy this movie doesn't pull any punches, even with it's opening, huh? Why was his arms cut off? Cause Tang ordered it, who actually was ordered by Lee-Chang (also known as Mr. Lynn for some reason) to do it. With Lee-Ho's (I'm just gonna call him Lee if that's ok) arm's gone, his horrible day can begin.

First he stumbles around all armless, except with one little part that looks like a hand, which makes it seem more like he was born like this instead of having his arm sloppily cut off (which is the real case here). Lee stumbles to a restaurant and begs to be let in. Instead of the Waiter asking what happened to his freshly cut arms, or get medical assistance, he tells him to get the fuck outta here with your no arm broke ass self.

But Lee insists he has money and begs to be let in. The Waiter agrees and sits him at a table. The other customers get grossed out and/or offended by the sight of an armless guy and leave. The manager tells the Waiter to get Lee out cause armless dude's are bad for business. The Waiter then pulls a terrible joke on Lee by waving a piece of chicken in front of him telling him to get it, come on, baby, are you a puss? Get the chicken!

Lee instead takes a bite out of the Waiter's tenderloin, meaning his leg. This causes a big beefy bouncer dude (In a restaurant?) to come out and lay the smackdown on Lee, knocking him out.
"Aw man, and I had that ball scratching contest tonight!"
"You'd tell me if I had a fungus growing under my eye, right?"
The Other, Other, OTHER White Meat.
Horatio Sans!
Lee wakes up in a coffin and Chin is there, telling Lee he saved him from the restaurant. Lee is grateful and is about to get some food when some of Mr. Lynn's men comes by, asking for some coffins. Since Mr. Lynn kills soooo many people, he buys coffins from Chin regularly. Mr. Lynn's men recognize Lee and proceed to kill him, but Chin begs he be let go. After beating him up some more, they agree. Chin tells Lee to get the fuck out of here, you're a pox to everything you come in contact with!

Ok, not in those words, but you get the feeling he means that.

So Lee is now roaming the forest and he comes along a river and he tries to take a drink but he falls in. Man, next time I think I'm having a bad day, I'm gonna have to think of this movie. Lee swims upstream (I guess The Salmon Masters wasn't catchy enough) until he comes to a farm.

He starts eating pig slop when some farmer dude finds him and asks if he's a ghost. Lee replies "Would a ghost eat pig slop?" He's got a point there. So the farmer feels sorry for Lee and hires him to do work around the farm and we get a montage of all the stuff he can do suddenly with only his legs. One part seemed kinda cruel, with some kids chasing him while he's blindfolded, but maybe it's a typical game in Japan/China. Like their version of "Red Rover" or something.

Back at Mr. Lynn's, he pours some acid on Tang's legs. I'm sensing a theme where when it comes to punishment. We don't really know why he did this to Tang but he gets kicked out of Lynn's too. So Tang is roaming around now until Lee comes across to him and realizes it's the same bastard who took his arms.
This seems mean but if the kids are enjoying it...
Oh so that's what they mean by ACID washed. HAHAHA!
Realizing that payback is a bitch, Tang begs Lee to kill him but Lee instead wants to torture him in some cave. Before beginning said torture, Lee hears a voice say "Help me". Lee looks around until he figures out the voice is coming from a basket. He opens the basket and inside he finds...

Jimney Cricket!!

Ok, no. Instead he finds The Master (no, not that one). It's never explained how he got in that basket or why, but he points out that one doesn't have arms, and one doesn't have legs, and if they work together they'll be an unstoppable force.

So The Master trains Lee and Tang in another 20 minute montage. Meanwhile we see Mr. Lynn is evil cause he turns a school into a casino and threatens to break several vases. At this point, the fighting wasn't too impressive, it was all stuff I could do, like slapping or hitting in the stomach. But finally, we get a good kickass Kung-Fu scene.
"No, really, it's not noticeable, is it? I'm trying to hide it with make-up."
No wonder. "Made in Taiwan".
"Umm...sorry. We'll come back later, when you're done."
You're the best! Around!
Lee, along with Tang, returns to the restaurant he went to at the beginning of the movie. The Waiter, realizing he can kick some ass now, is nice to Lee and serves them. But Lee wants revenge, bitch! So he kicks the Waiter until he calls for Horatio Sans again and some good Kung-Fu, Crippled Style is presented.

Lee and Tang leave the restaurant and find Mr. Paul (only me, Bill, and Adam find this name truly hilarious. And yes guys, this really is his name in the movie), Mr. Lynn's assistant walking with two thugs named Black and White, because, get this, one is dressed in black and one is dressed in white, even going so far as to paint his face white. Clever.

Lee and Tang realize Mr. Paul is up to something so they follow them. Some robbers stole some jewels that look like ordinary stones and they're arguing over who gets how much. Mr. Paul steps in and says "Stop fighting over who gets what half. I'll help you settle it. Give them all to me." I gotta remember that one.

So a fight breaks out and Mr. Paul takes off with the stones but our heros show up! And they kill Black and White, then they set their sights on Mr. Paul. He starts blubbering like an idiot and pleading for his life. They strip him and send him off to Mr. Lynn.

Mr. Lynn isn't too happy and gives Mr. Paul three days to kill our heros. Mr. Paul goes looking for them, in all places, a whore house. He asks the chick in charge if they came in and she jokes about cripples come into a whore house. Mr. Paul thinks about this and says "They are crippled yes, but they can do good Kung-Fu, so they can do it if they want." Yes, the villain's lackey just contemplated the thought of two crippled guys ability to have sex. This is such a wonderful movie.

While walking out of the whorehouse, they run into Apo, who totally reminds me of the Main Bastard in "Hard Bastard". In fact, this whole movie reminded me of Hard Bastard, since the word "bastard" is said every 5 minutes. Anyway, Apo is walking and he literally bumps into Mr. Paul. Apo says "Oh sorry, I didn't see the pack of dogs", which Mr. Paul replies with "HUUUUHHHH???"
Other rejected names for these two: Shorty and Tall or Hairy and Baldy
Oh, so he's the bastard.
Apo kicks Mr. Paul's ass (Man, Mr. Lynn needs to hire a new lackey) and Mr. Paul goes home running. Mr. Lynn says they should kill Apo but instead Mr. Paul says they should recruit him to help defeat our heroes. So they do and Apo gets accepted into Mr. Lynn's gang.

Then a new plot point is bought up. The Master mentions that Mr. Lynn has "eight jade horses" which are some mystical things or something. So they all propose they break into Mr. Lynn's and steal them.

Apo is up keeping watch when he spots The Master. Apo excuses himself and The Master, Lee, and Tang break in. And the part I was waiting for happens, with Tang getting on top of Lee. I been waiting for this the entire movie and they do it...to get a book off the top shelf. BOO! But turns out this book is holding the jade horses. Well, at this point, they bought attention to themselves and are being chased.
Screw using his legs to kick ass, he's more useful as a step ladder.
When they think they're in the clear, they run into Apo, who starts kicking their ass. But he lets up and tells them to keep the jade horses. I guess Mr. Lynn saw this or something cause he calls Apo a traitor and starts torturing him.

Lee hears about Apo and says he must save him, since he saved them. Tang agrees to help and with The Master's basket-stuffing talent, they save him. Apo reveals he is some secret agent hired to find the jade horses and to figure out the secret behind them. He looks at them for 10 seconds and figures out the secret, which gives him all sorts of crazy kung-fu power!

So he trains Lee and Tang this crazy kung-fu power to stop Mr. Lynn, who meanwhile snuck in and starts fighting The Master. Lee, Tang, and Apo finds their little area all fucked up and The Master is gone! What happened to him? I don't know, you think they're gonna tell us.

But now it's time for the final showdown and what a showdown it is. Apo takes care of Mr. Paul once and for all. Lee and Tang start kicking Mr. Lynn's ass (I forgot to mention he seems to have a metallic hump but it's hardly mentioned in the movie and we never really SEE it, so no big deal there) but they can't do it separately, so they team up with Tang growing what looks like claws from his back and attaching himself to Lee's back! NOW they can kick some ass!!

And they do, with Mr. Lynn falling down, it goes in slow motion and....that's it. We don't really see him die, he was in mid-fall. So for all I know, he got up and revealed he's their father or something. And we still don't know what happened to The Master. Did Mr. Lynn kill him? Did he run away? Did he yell out "SUCKERS!" and took the 8 jade horses and is now living on a beach in Jamaica? Who knows.
There's so much I could say to this.
This right here more or less sums up the entire movie.
This is indeed a weird movie, but when you get over the way everyone treats our heroes, it's kind of enjoyable. I kept waiting for other punishment methods from Mr. Lynn, like cutting off someone's ear, or their nose, or pulling out their teeth. Just a whole line of crippled people kicking ass. Now what we need is "The Trainable Masters"!
"I'm gonna kick your ass...while I'm wet and sticky!"
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