Empire of the Ants
It's Like "Lost" But With Giant Ants
Marilyn Fryser-Played by Joan Collins. If you need a bitchy land developer who seemingly hates men, who better but Joan Collins to play her?
Dan-Captain of a boat that takes Marilyn and some of her customers to an island, that ends up having a shitload of giant ants.
Joe-Young guy who just got out of a divorce. So naturally he's gonna fall for the next hot thing that shows him any attention.
Coreen-The next hot thing that shows Joe attention. In my opinion, she's a butterface.
Margaret-Some middle aged chick that use to work for some guy until he fired her. Now she wants to start her own maid service (seriously) and falls for Dan somehow.
Larry-A pervy guy who tries to rape Coreen when they're alone. Turns out he's an asshole when he lets his wife die by giant ants.
Christine-Larry's wife. She's a saint to put up with his crap.
Harry & Velma-The Old Couple who have nothing better to do but go on boat tours and eat free food, no matter what they're selling.
The Lawson's-Married couple that wanna move to this island. Mr. Lawson thinks it's all a scam and is proven right, but gets munched before he can tell anyone.
Charlie-Is constantly bossed around by Marilyn. And is also banging her. Poor guy.
Townspeople-All worship giant ants.
Giant ants-Become giant ants when they munch on radioactive waste. The queen's farts can brainwash people.
Apparently H.G Wells is an expert on three things:

Time travel
How to become invisible
And large giant ants.

"Empire of the Ants" is based off of a H.G Wells story. I'd love to read that just to see them talk all old timey and what not.

"Hark," said the dashing sailor-man Joe, "dost goes another ant-creature!"

The 1977 film, however, is much more idiotic than my thoughts of H.G Wells having a character say "hark". I guess overall it wasn't too bad but the execution was pretty week.

Before anything, we get a short film about ants and how they rule and kickass and if we keep fucking with ants, they're gonna get pissed and take over and who'll have the last laugh, huh? And I'm not certain if it was indeed him or not, but it sounded like the narrator was Raymond Burr.

We get to the credits and we see some dudes on a boat dumping radioactive waste into a body of water. I wonder what H.G Wells explanation for this was. Did he invent radioactive waste? Did people criticize him for inventing a made up thing just so a bunch of ants can get big? Guess we'll never know.

Anyway, I find out this was directed by Bert I. Gordon, a notorious film maker from back in the day. His work was used in a bunch of MST3K episodes, usually movies that involve giant bugs or creatures attacking hapless people. Eventually (around the directed by credit) a barrel washes up on a shore nearby and before you know it, it's leaking some silver stuff. What, were they getting rid of mercury?
All the "Lost" similarities aside, this movie was pure B-Movie goodness. The acting was really bad. Even Joan Collins, cause all she knows how to do is be a raging bitch. The plot that don't revolve around giant ants was silly. Suddenly these people who never met each other before just decide to hook up. I will say this though. Mr. B.I.G made a giant stuffed ant monster and had stage hands rub it on people the ants were killing. There were no people screaming at a blown up picture of an ant and suddenly they were dead.
With that said, I wonder if the creators of "Lost" love this movie. Just a theory I have.
Read The Reviews!
What Ozzy Osbourne's nose looked like after that one night.
"Uh, boss, are you sure we're suppose to start using this Danger Radioactive Waste as an alternative for fossil fuel?"
Oh no! Not animated silver stuff!
"10:30 AM: Arrived on set...wearing hideious looking...avacado green...suits."
Next, we meet a billion characters as they board a boat going to some island with the stupid name "Dreamland Shores". This is run by Marilyn, a super bitchy person that runs boat tours of islands I guess. The island is suppose to be some up and coming place where rich people come and live and do typical white people things like play tennis and golf, while glad they're as far away as possible from Compton.

Half of the characters aren't there to buy any land or houses or whatever, they just either:
A-Wanna go on a fancy boat ride with free food and booze
B-Are completely bored with their lives and had nothing better to do
C-Horny rapists

When they land and start munching on cheap snack food and drinking cheaper booze, people pair off and do various things. Larry and Coreen go somewhere where Larry attempts to rape her a few times. Even getting so far as to get her shirt off. But Coreen plants a knee in his nuts and before he becomes an even bigger asshole, Marilyn shows up. Coreen never thought in her life she'd be grateful that a bitch interrupted her. While Coreen and Marilyn walk away, Larry is being stalked by a bunch of circles! OH NO!!
"The Professor and Mary-Ann...and Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice and Benny and Joon and Harry and Sally and Bill and Ted and Wayne and Garth and Harold and Maude."
"Oh yeah baby. Buying land on an island full of giant ants make me horny."
What a golf ball sees.
"I dunno, I think Future Tennis Club is a funny name."
Margaret bugs Captain Dan for some reason, despite the fact he doesn't appear to be interested in her, or her damn plans to open up an agency that rents Hispanic maids by the hour. Everyone eventually gets back together and we go on a little tour of the island.

Marilyn narrates all the stuff that's gonna be coming up, which is all represented by signs that say "Future Tennis Court" and "Future Golf Course". I'm more interested in the "Future Whorehouse" and "Future Crack Den", but whatever.

After another break full of cheap food and booze, The Lawsons go off on their own. Mr. Lawson is suspicious that all of this is fake and Marilyn is just trying to scam everybody out of their money. He thinks he's right when he finds fake water pipes sticking out of the ground. And for some reason, he was dubbed during this bit. Maybe the actor was from another country, or the actor talked too damn fast? I dunno, but he was clearly being dubbed.

No matter. Here come the round things, but they aren't round things! They're GIANT ASS ANTS!!!! The Lawsons scream and...

Marilyn and the gang are already gone, continuing the tour. Finally someone mentions that The Lawson's are gone and Coreen makes a crack about Marilyn's boring presentation, when it's decided that Joe, who Coreen decides out of the blue to hook up with, goes looking for them. Coreen tags along cause they been dating for roughly 15 minutes and she worries about him.

They find some guy named Pete dead. I have no fuckin' clue who Pete is, I thought he was Mr. Lawson, but his name is Thomas, cause he's doubtful (Get it? Get it??) so yeah no idea who Pete is. Now everyone is worried and the worry grows when everyone sees for themselves the giant ass ants.

Soon enough, the ants head for Dan's boat, and he swims out to get it out of the ant's patch, but he causes more harm cause not only does he break open a gas can when trying to knock out an ant, but he throws a flare at it, which lands in the gas, so the boat blows up.
"Excuse me, have you seen a giant picnic going on around here?"
Ah, I see that the weather is a bit nipply.
The cover of Gordon Lightfoot's album "The Ants On The Dock of Forever"
Never ask the old timey photographer at Great American to be your cinematographer.
And now...It's the 1970's version of "Lost"!! WOO!!

Clearly Dan is Locke, while Joe is Jack. Coreen is Kate and I guess that makes Larry Sawyer. The old couple is, clearly Rose and Bernard. I dunno who Marilyn would be. I guess a female Ben?

What? You don't watch "Lost" and you have no idea what the hell I just said? Oh fine, I'll stop.

Anyway, everyone's stranded on "Dreamland Shores", which is more like "Nightmareland Shores" amirite? Huh? Hello? I know you're out there, I can hear you breathing!

They build a fire and Margaret attaches herself to Dan, while Joe and Coreen talk about what to get each other for their 5 hour anniversary. Marilyn continues to cockblock Charlie, which is also a character name from "Lost"! So I guess Marilyn is a bitch Claire, but not pregnant and-

Ok, ok sorry about that.

They make it through the night without sleeping and food and now it's morning. They worry about the fire, but God is like "Eh" and makes it rain, so the fire goes out. Then suddenly Charlie remembers! There just happens to be a boat at some river nearby! WOW!!! Everyone heads for it, but Marilyn, who acts all whiny and bitchy and runs straight into an ant. Charlie saves her and drags her through the jungle to the boat.

Hm, there was a jungle on "Lost" and anytime the characters went into it something bad happens. Here, the ants show themselves (Ants=The Others!) and everyone freaks the fuck out. The old people, for some reason, is like "Fuck this noise" and goes a completely different way that isn't towards a boat to safety.

Soon, Christine (Larry's wife) and Charlie get eaten by ants and both Larry and Marilyn go into some weird shock. Finally, they find the boat and they're minus an old couple. Locke, er, Dan paddles everyone down the stream, while Larry feels guilty cause when the ants attacked his wife, instead of going to help her, he just basically said "Um...loveyabye!" and ran off. So Larry now is like "Why are you looking at me like I killed my wife?? I DIDN'T YOU HEAR???" and everyone's like "Ok, dude, whatever."

Then Coreen, getting back at Larry for the attempted rape, makes fun of him. That seems about right. A tease for a rape. King Solomon would be proud. The next 15 minutes is just our "survivors" (The Ant 6 if you will) paddling down the river to safety. So boat=hatch, for those of you who DO watch "Lost". Those who don't, I apologize again.

Finally, Larry gets munched (so maybe not-so-much Sawyer, then maybe Boone?) and we all rejoice. But the boat gets shot to hell, so now they have to hoof it. Marilyn realizes she hasn't acted like a bitch in awhile and decides to go another way, but soon comes face first with another ant. I guess she hasn't learned her lesson from earlier.

Oh and in case you were wondering, Rose and Bernard, er, The Old Couple get munched as well.
"WAIT! It appears this...thing "sticking" out of this tall...thing with green...things on top has slightly grazed my arm!! HELP!!"
"Oh darn. Poor Larry is about to be eaten. There's nothing we can do. Sorry Larry."
Yay!!!
Man, it REALLY is nipply outside.
(Click to enlarge)
They keep on walking until they find a farmhouse. There, they meet two of the creepiest farmers I've ever met. They help them out and soon the sheriff is called! Yay!!! Now it's Season 4 with the helicopter and the boat (for you "Lost" fans).

But, much like the helicopter and the boat from "Lost", all is not what it seems. Well, anyone who's only seen one movie their entire lives knows what's going on, even if that one movie was "Big Momma's House", but if Notorious B.I.G wants to keep us in suspense, let's play along.

They arrive at this town that's adjacent to "Stupidnamed Shores" and meet the Mayor, who also runs the hotel. That's pretty convenient if you ask me. He doesn't have to worry about the press finding out about all the hookers he takes there! More Mayors, and Governors, should all own hotels.

Dan and Joe try to rent a car, but some chick who clearly has some issues, won't let them cause they don't have any I.D. Soon, everyone realizes something is up with these people, especially when they keep going on and on about sugar and the sugar mill.

Dan knows how to hot-wire a car (See? He's totally Locke) and they head out of town! Everyone's like "woo!" but the woo is short-lived when there's suddenly a road block up ahead! Dan decides to call forth his inner "Duke of Hazzard" and make the car fly up in the air.

But it crashes into a nearby water supply. Joe and Coreen escape, while Marilyn, Dan, and Margaret are taken to the sugar mill. As you no doubt figured out 25 minutes ago, the town is in cahoots with the ants!!

Wait.

Didn't the ants just come to be like two days ago? Didn't we see the rise of the ants when the barrel crashed on the shore and some ants got in the mercury? I'm confused.

I'm further confused when the sheriff explains that they have the queen ant locked up in a chamber, and the queen emits some odor that, when inhaled by humans, makes the humans not scared of the giant ants and then proceed to do their bidding, which is bring them a shitload of sugar to feed on!!

Wow. That's really stupid.

So the town people are inhaling ant farts and they become the ants slaves. That's the basic gist of it. And this all happened in the past two days. Ok then.
Disturbing three-some if I ever thought of one.
I thought the Farmer in the Dell would be less creepy.
The Dukes of Hazzard Visit Northwest Indiana's Wolf Lake.
Ooh the Japanese and their wacky game show ideas. "Who Survive Ant Farts?" indeed.
After a ten hour chase through a cornfield, Joe and Coreen are captured and sent to the fart chamber, where they watch Marilyn get farted on. Soon, she's brainwashed like the rest of the town and tries to talk the other people into it.

Dan gets in the chamber and is like "No ant is gonna fart on me!" and instead pulls out a road flare, which he proceeds to shove into the ant's orifice, which if these are indeed ant farts...eh I won't paint that picture. And I guess this is where the "Lost" similarities end...no wait! The ant farts is the smoke monster! WOW!

Anyway, now all hell has broken loose and the queen is dead, so all the other giant ants go nuts and start munching on townspeople. This includes Marilyn, but no body seemed to care. Joe comes up with a plan that involves him driving a gas truck around Ant Headquarters with the gas leaking all over the place, then crashing the truck into the building, hoping that the crash would in fact cause an inexplicable explosion.

Soon, the Ant Four find a motorboat and head out. Along the way they talk among themselves and realize they have to lie about everything cause Penny's Dad-ok I'll stop. Plus it involved spoilers for the ending of Season 4 and, anyone reading this that do like "Lost", I don't want them pissed at me. Anyway, the movie ends and I finally learn the names of half these characters cause they weren't said in the whole entire movie!
*GASP* A river shaped like a question mark!! This IS related to "Lost"!!!