Fear of Clowns

Fear of Clowns
Hatred of Movie

Lynn-Hot artist chick who is being stalked by a weird ass clown.
Burt-Lynn's ex-husband who wants her dead. Very, very dead.
Tucker/Tuck-Rich dude who falls in love with Lynn when he buys her painting.
Phillip-Owner of a gallery that's agreed to hang Lynn's paintings up. Is possibly overprotective of her.
Detective Peters-Cop in charge of the odd crimes that's revolving around Lynn. Has some odd eyebrows.
Lynn's Son-I forget his name cause he's hardly in the movie. He's used as a plot device at the end though.
Shivers The Clown-This dude is something else. He is a very muscular dude who doesn't wear a shirt, wears clown make up, has black eyes, and talks like Lenny from "Of Mice and Men".
Some Random Victims-Includes a chick named Amanda, another chick named Julie, a cop, a family, and a hitman.

I like my friends. I value my friend's opinions about stuff. I also do like when they tell me about a horrible movie and they think I should go ahead and review it. Truth be told, I can normally stomach horrible movies. I mean hell, would I be doing this has a hobby if I didn't?

So when I came up with "Are Clowns Scary?" month, I immediately thought of a movie suggestion my friend Tara told me about. She said "Fear of Clowns is quite possibly the worst movie ever. You should review it for your site!" And I said, "DAHHH!! OK MISS LADY PERSON!! First tell me about the rabbits again!"

And so based on one person's suggestion (and warning I suppose) I am stuck with the task of talking about "Fear of Clowns". Just know this, my dear readers, as I write this, I will be crying because writing this is making me have to relive the whole thing over again. I now know what torture and rape victims feel like. (Boy, that's gonna get some hate mail, huh? No offence, former rape and torture victims.)

We meet Lynn as a kid sitting in the backseat of her family's car and they're driving somewhere. No, we don't know where, nor do we see her family. I'm only guessing on that part. Anyway, something happens off camera, little Lynn is scared, and adult Lynn wakes up. We don't know if this was a flashback or just a dream.

Then we get the most annoying opening credit sequence ever. After going on about 5 minutes with all the people starring in the movie (I think they even credited inanimate objects like "Desk Lamp as Itself"), we get inter-cut images of dictionary terms. I dunno what they were, they went by so fucking fast. I think they were all suppose to be medical terms for "fear of clowns". To keep what's left of my sanity intact, I'm gonna go with that explanation.

After said annoying credit sequence, we find it's the next day and there are some cops two doors down (too bad it wasn't Three Doors Down, I could make a Kryptonite joke here). Thanks to the nosy neighbor Gail, Lynn finds out The Olsen's got murdered. Mary-Kate & Ashley are currently wanted for questioning. We meet Detective Peters, who is just an odd looking fellow. He constantly has one eyebrow raised. So Lynn goes to...well not work. She's an artist and her paintings are being hung in Phillip's gallery. So...she went there. And we find out, thanks to her assistant Amanda providing the backstory, that her official showing is that night. Oh and we also find out from Lynn that she's divorcing her husband Burt. Got all of that?

So the opening comes and Lynn meets Tuck. He buys one of her paintings and she decides to leave with him. Her soon-to-be ex-husband watches this in the very, very dark alley. Way to go on the lighting, team crappy movie!

Tuck informs Lynn that he designs roller coasters and invites her to his office for a drink. Then it jumps to Lynn getting home and pouring herself something to drink. Phillip calls to check in on her and while on the phone she spots...

Director: "I was suppose to say something before 'Camera! Action!' What was it? Fights? Mights? Eh, fuck it...ACTION!"

A scene from the porno version of "Scream" titled "Scream Oh God! Yes! Oh God Yes!"

...dear god. A muscle bound shirtless guy in clown makeup. I never laughed so hard in my life. The image scares her and she faints. She's being waken up by some black dude grabbing at her ears. He turns out to be a paramedic and I guess to wake someone up from fainting you gotta grab their ears. Anyway, Phillip called the police when he heard Lynn faint. Detective Eyebrows show up and she tells him she saw the hottest clown outside her window. He laughs at her and pretty much leaves her alone.

I gotta stop here. When on the phone with Phillip, Lynn says she was with Tuck and Phillip wanted to know what happened. Lynn says it's a long story. Too, too long. So does that mean something happened after we cut away? Or is the whole roller coaster thing it? I mean, that's not THAT long. The dude designs roller coasters. Someone has to do it, why is that a long story? And why am I nitpicking? Obviously, the writer didn't think too hard about it. Of course, after several hits off a crack pipe, it's hard to think at all.

The next day, we find the clown (apparently named Shivers, even though he's never called that throughout the movie) in his basement (why am I not surprised...hey!) and he hears voices in his head. Why am I not surprise...HEY!! Anyway, one of the voices tell him to just follow her, not kill her. Shivers (In a big dumb guy voice) says "DAHH OK!"

So follow her he does. Tuck decides to take her to the most romantic place on the face of the planet: an old abandoned amusement park. Maybe while they're there, they can solve some groovy mysteries, right Scooby? So they're wandering around and Shivers is just right behind them. That's about it for that, really.

Lynn: "Oh Tuck. You take me. To the most. Romantic places. Ever. Oh boy. Are my panties ever wet."

Lynn then has to go meet with Burt and his lawyer with her lawyer and Burt is being a total asshole about the whole divorce thing. He wants half her paintings, half the money she makes from them, half of her clothing (more on this in a minute), and half of her cream (Coffee joke. HA!). Plus full custody of their kid. Did I mention she had a kid? Well, the movie tends to forget at times. Throughout the course of this movie, we see him twice. Then at the end he's a major plot device. Maybe I should have kids solely for the purpose of a plot device. Anyway, she's all pissed off and Burt's lawyer totally bullies Lynn's lawyer like they're on the playground or something. After Lynn's lawyer gives up his lunch money and is pantsed, Lynn gets fed up and fires him.

THANKFULLY, some old dude wants to hire her to paint a picture of his father, dressed up as a clown. He offers twenty thousand dollars to do it and she takes it, so she can hire a somewhat better lawyer to handle her divorce. So she goes to paint the picture, but she ends up sketching Shivers and it's not too bad except the smirk is painted more to the side. But I'm no art critic.

"You sure this is what he looks like, ma'am? Sure he's not black or hispanic? Maybe Asian?"

Here's your boobie shot. Not even this could save this movie.

Next up, we see Lynn working on her laptop. We never see what it is cause this movie is too cheap to make up fake websites. After that, she takes a shower. While toweling off, she finds that all the phones in her apartment are missing. Then right behind her is Shivers! He pulls the towel off and we get boobies! WOO!!! Shivers feels her up, throws her to the ground..and kills her? WHA? Wow. Killing off the main female character. That hasn't been done since "Psycho". I gotta give this movie some credit...

The next day Lynn answers her ringing phone...

Wait. WHAT?? What the fuck just happened?? She was just murdered!!! Her head was cut off!! I saw her boobies!!! I HATE YOU SO MUCH MOVIE!!!!

Tuck is on the phone and he invites her to his house. I'm still confused as to what the fuck just happened. Was that a dream? Were the frames of the movie out of place? What the hell, man?? Ok, so they're at Tuck's house and he cooks lunch and while he's doing dishes, she finds some magazines in his living room. They're all art magazines and they all-GASP!!-have pictures of her!! And articles of her!! OH MY GOD NO!!! He has public material of her and she's freaking out!!! EEEK!!!! HELP!!! STALKER ALERT!!

Oh my God!! Her quite possible future boyfriend has magazines that feature her in it!!!!! GASP!!!!! Where's the pepper spray???

Yeah, I don't get it either. This movie is giving me a headache. Anyway, Det. Eyebrows show up and ask for Lynn. He asks if she's dead, she says no. Then he says that Amanda got killed.

Wait. That was Amanda?? Nuh-uh!! You're telling me there's two chicks in this movie that look alike?? I mean, how the fuck were we suppose to know that was Amanda. We only met her once. AND SHE LOOKS LIKE LYNN!!! Fuck it, I hope this writer/director dies a slow painful death.

To make us, the audience, even more confused, we get a scene with Burt meeting up with some mysterious guy in a parking lot. We don't see his face for this entire scene, which is suppose to lead us to believe that this is one of the characters we've met before. Burt tells this guy to kill Lynn, but the guy says it's harder now cause of Shivers and all the police protection she has. So he raises his price and Burt agrees. So who is this man of mystery? Is it Phillip? Tuck? Det. Eyebrows? Umm...nope. It's some guy. We never met. I dunno what the fuck this supposed "film maker" is doing. But I hope he stops. Soon.

WOW! The secret hitman guy is...this guy? Ok. I was expecting Denise Crosby myself.

Ok. A guy dressed up as a clown alone in his basement and covered in sweat. I'd leave him alone until he was finished.

When Burt hears about the clown killing Amanda, he goes over there. Wait, he goes over there? Yep. Apparently Burt is a psychologist (never knew that until now) and Shivers was his patient. And as a result, Burt asked Shivers to scare and/or kill Lynn. To keep track, Burt has two guys out to kill Lynn. Sheesh.

So Lynn is in her house painting the picture of the old dude's father. There's a cop outside reading "IT" by Stephen King (AHAHAHAHAHA! That's SOOOO funny!!!), and the "mysterious" hitman is outside. Soon, a party clown arrives and is going to Lynn's house. The cop, told to be on the lookout for any clown, goes into action, arresting him. While that's going on, Shivers comes from behind and totally decapitates the cop! Decapitations in cheap horrible movies are funny cause they're so fake looking. Shivers sees the hitman and runs away. The hitman takes this opportunity and moves in.

Hilarious.

Wow. That sure is realistic. I'm gonna have nightmares now. Thanks a lot "Fear of Clowns!!"

He puts on the party clown's mask and breaks into Lynn's house. Lynn hides for a bit but that don't last too long. He eventually finds her. Meanwhile, Tuck finds out that Lynn found his secret stash of art mag's and realizes that she thinks he's a big stalker. So he goes to prove her right by running to her house right away. He shows up in time to stop the hitman. Lynn grabs hold of the gun and shoots him. The cops swarm in and Det. Peters says they nabbed the Clown Killer (or Klown Killer? Clown Ciller?) and that Lynn can rest easy.

Lynn: But he didn't wear a mask.
Peters: Nope. Case closed.
Lynn: But-
Peter: Too bad. Case closed. Bye.

But we know better. We see Burt in his super gay bedroom trying to read when Shivers appears. Burt is like "Oh shit, this backfired" and Shivers kills him. I guess Lynn won't need that lawyer after all.

Artsy. But still a shitty ass movie.

Most guys would rip that shit off the walls when their wives move out. Makes me think he's the one who put it there.

So Lynn is all happy and stuff...except for this stupid ass dream about a clown coming to life. Did I mention I hate this movie? Yeah. I do. So, Tuck decides to treat Lynn to a movie. But a special type of movie. No, not porn. He has some connections and he managed to get a movie theater all to themselves after closing. And you know what? They actually filmed this in a real movie theater when it was closed. How do I know this? Cause of the real life movie posters that are in the background. I'm sure Shrek 2 and Timeline just LOVE this promotion.

Tuck asks Lynn what she did with her plot device/kid and she said she left him with Julie. Then I guess we meet Julie, all chopped up. Thanks for showing us that. I guess we were suppose to know who Julie was too. So anyway, Tuck knows the projectionist and he sets up the movie. Well, guess who broke into the theater? Mr. Shivers himself.

Let's rip off Poltergeist, shall we?

I would say "FAKE!" but why bother? Lord knows this movie didn't.

If I pissed all that, I'd go see a doctor right away.

Let's remind the audience that there are better movies out there and they could be watching those right now.

He kills the projectionist and this other guy in the bathroom and then goes to confront Lynn to finally kill her once and for all. But since Shivers is a slow moving killer, they're able to escape the theater. Tuck says the doors are locked, so they do the typical stupid thing and go upstairs. But...if the doors are locked...wouldn't the lock be, oh I dunno, INSIDE???

They run upstairs and try to get into the projection room, but there's a key code lock. Tuck thinks he can figure it out, so he goes to work on it. Now, I suck at math and at percentages and all that. But considering there's 6 numbers on the keypad and the code could be any random 6 numbers, I think the odds of Tuck figuring it out is like a gazillion to 1. Shivers realizes this, so he takes his slow ass time walking up the stairs. He finally reaches the top and is about to attack when Tuck gets lucky and opens the door. Yeah. Ok. Sure. I believe it, movie.

Peters is at home when he gets an email stating that one of Burt's patients is a psycho dude who had big black eyes and likes to dress up like a clown. Uh-oh! Maybe the case isn't solved yet!! He also gets a 9-1-1 call from a woman locked in a movie theater being chased by a clown. He moves into action.

Lynn and Tuck think they're safe up in the projection room, but when they look out that small little window into a theater, Lynn sees that Shivers has...his son!! Yay!! Plot device!!!

I want to know when did Shivers get so smart suddenly? He was a dumbass throughout the entire movie, even talking like he was retarded, but now he has the mental capabilities to kidnap a kid? And where was the kid when he was chasing them throughout the theater? Whatever. I officially give up on this movie.

I have your son!! You know...your son? The one that was kinda in the movie twice? Yeah. Him. I have him.

Better than those welcome mats that say "Friends Make The Heart Grow Fonder".

But here's the god awful ending anyway.

Lynn confronts Shivers. The cops arrive but can't bust in cause Shivers left a sign saying "Walk in, they die", proving once again that he got some brains since the start of the movie. Shivers surrenders Lynn's son to her and he runs away. While Shivers gets closer to Lynn, we realize that he has a weakness: light. This makes NO SENSE cause he was out in the light plenty of times but yeah I give the fuck up, whatever, fuck you movie go to hell.

So while temporarily blinded Tuck makes his move and attacks him. Then the cops ignore the sign and barge in anyway and hold Shivers at gun point. Instead of just shooting the guy cause he killed 90 billion people, they just tell him to drop the ax and come with them. We don't get a cool ending like a shoot out or Shivers falling to his death cause that stuff was too expensive for the film makers. And someone has to pay for hookers and coke. So all we get is Shivers arrested and put in jail.

NOW COMES the most stupidest ending I have ever seen in my year of reviewing movies for this site. Lynn is sleeping in her bed and she gets wakened by the phone. It's Peters and he tells her that Shivers has escape from prison and he's sending some cops over to her right now. She hears a noise, so she goes checks it out. It's Shivers, in her plot device's room. She doesn't scream or stop him or anything. She simply backs out with a look of shock on her face. We see her looking at the door and the darkened hallway for a good 3 minutes then...ending credits.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??? Well...turns out it was a good thing I didn't rip the DVD from my player and have my dog shit on it before I sent it back because after the first 1 minute of credits, it goes back to the movie and Lynn is waking up. ARRGH!!! Ok NOW I can pull this movie out and have my dog shit on it.

You'll have to click on the pics to read these credits. But they are the stupidest things I have ever read in my life. And he didn't even thank the movie theater he filmed in. What the hell? And he admitted to harming children? We should call somebody on this guy.

But check out these god awful ending credits. I dunno what any of that means, but whatever. I hope this film maker eats glass and starts coughing up blood. This movie sucks. It's beyond sucks. It...it...I don't know. I'm tired of thinking of words for this movie. Just know this: this movie blows. And I'm never letting a friend suggest a movie to me ever again.
Now, I'm gonna go check out Pot Parents Police.

Part of

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Detective Constantly-Surprised is on the case!

Remember fellas, when trying to impress a girl, stick out your tongue.