Gothic Movie
aka
Good Girls Don't Sleep In Coffins
Cause You Know, Both Titles Sound SOOOO Good!
Fred-A virgin who gets a date with Suzy. Has the ability to be extremely stupid, extremely muscular, and extremely annoying.
Mutt-Fred's friend, who's one half of the rock duo "Code Red".
Arthur-Other half of "Code Red".
Helmet-German photographer with a bad phony accent.
Badkitty-Leader of the female goth gang who wants to sacrifice a virgin for reasons we're never told. She is BUTT UGLY!!!
Fluffy-Fat goth chick who has a thing for Fred. Tons of fat jokes are made at her expense.
Angel-Bitchy goth chick who's pretty hot.
Suzy-Girl who asked Fred out for a date, so Badkitty can use him for the sacrifice. She is quite possibly the hottest chick in the entire movie.
Bunch of people in the background-This includes a group of retards who wear Halloween masks, some ugly goth chicks, and people we've never seen before.
Here's the story of how this movie found it's way to me. One day I'm at home, sitting here minding my own business, when I get an email from one "Flint Martini". I use his name in quotes cause I seriously doubt two parents out there named their kid "Flint Martini". Even if Martini is their last name, I can think of 100 better names than Flint. Anyway, he tells me he has this movie for me called "Goth Movie AKA Good Girls Don't Sleep In Coffins" and would I be interested in reviewing it. After thinking about it, and taking a buttload of crack, I said "Sure".

Within two weeks it arrived and immediately I knew I was in trouble when I saw the DVD box. There are Hollywood movies, there are independent movies, and there are movies made by a bunch of people with a shitload of time on their hand and access to a DVD burner. This movie falls in the third category. This movie is basically a bunch of people in an apartment for just over an hour. And the bunch of people aren't the greatest actors in the world. But I sympathize, I don't have many friends either.

I contemplated writing back to Mr. Martini (I wonder if he's often shaken, not stirred) and telling him the DVD blew up, which wouldn't be too far from the truth since I have easy access to explosives (Cause I live in Indiana and all), but no. I decided to solider on and review this movie. I expect a purple heart, Mr. Martini.

We start off with Fred getting ready for a date. He shares an apartment with a horrible band named "Code Red", which only consists of two guys: Arthur and Mutt. And for some reason, they wear rubber Halloween masks. Actually, throughout the movie, EVERYONE wears rubber Halloween masks. I guess there was a discount sale or something.

Anyway, on the way to Fred's house are four goth chicks, well three goth chick and a pretty hot normal looking chick. The normal chick, Suzy, is the one that Fred is taking out. Her three friends, Badkitty, Fluffy, and Angel, all tagged along for some reason.
Couldn't they find hotter goth chicks? I mean, I know this was made over the course of a weekend when all the actors took time off from their day jobs (I hope they didn't quit them by the way) and possibly didn't have time to cast, you know, real actors. But this Badkitty chick is so butt ugly that if I had a choice between her and Marilyn Manson, I'd rather do Manson, and he had a fake eye.

Anyway, the goth quartet arrive and convince everyone to go to their house for a party, and much to the disappointment of Fred (who is a Virgin by the way, this fact is POUNDED in our head every 5 minutes), they agree. So off we go to their apartment, which if I didn't know better was the same apartment Fred and Code Red have, except covered in sheets. Hmm...

Almost right away, we are shown our first and only naked chick. So enjoy it while you can. And we meet the other people in dumb Halloween masks. After watching this three times I have no fucking idea who these guys are. But the main one with a goatee is so annoying that I have no doubts that he's a real douchebag in real life. Anyway, there's a dumb joke about the douchebag talking to his mom on a cell phone, which is funny cause he's like evil and gothy n stuff and he lives with his mom. Laugh, damn you, LAUGH!
"Whoa-ohhh gettin' lucky to-night!"
From Right to left: Ugly, Only Hot Chick, Bitchy, & Fatty.
"You're a horrible party clown."
Here's your one nude scene. Now be happy!
When you need morons and douchebags to chew up scenery, call "Douchebag Central"!
Hooray for continuity!! One minute he doesn't have a wig/mask one, the next he doesn't. BRILLIANT, Mr. Martini. Just brilliant.
Fred and Code Red arrive and immediately notice the coffins in the apartment, you know the ones we don't see. There a bunch of goth chicks dancing around and there are some hot chicks there, but I was distracted by this one chick with a prominent mustache. So the band is mingling around the goth chicks and Fred goes off on his own, cause you know he's a dorky virgin.

Then we find out why exactly Fred was bought there: Badkitty is gonna use him for a sacrifice! GASP! Why? Umm...I don't know. I think cause Mr. Martini googled the phrase "What would make a good plot for a super cheap film?" and it bought up "Killing a virgin for a sacrifice". Seriously, I have no idea what Badkitty's intentions are. Maybe she hates virgins, I dunno. But Suzy is having second thoughts cause she's falling for the guy.

So Suzy snags Fred and takes him to her room, where he finds the coffin she sleeps in. She also confesses that this goth thing isn't her bag and she's just in it for room and board. Yeah, I know how that is. You desperately need someplace to stay and in order to do so, you kill a virgin. Makes sense to me.

Badkitty warns Suzy not to take away his virginity before the sacrifice, and asks Buffy and Angel to keep an eye on him. But they don't and Badkitty gets angry. Then Helmet arrives. Seriously, is it THAT hard to find a real German in LA? I guess so cause clearly get an American dude using the stupidest fake German accent I've heard.
The Crying Game: Now For Goths!
"Oh JA! I am froms ze GERMANY! I's talk in DEES aach-zent! JA JA!!"
Mutt and Arthur are mixing it up with the chicks and Badkitty makes them drink something, which causes Mutt to throw up green Jell-o. Oh, that's suppose to be vomit. My bad. Mutt runs into the bathroom and there (I think) he finds this book of spells.

Badkitty finds Fred and Suzy and tell Fred to get Mutt out of the bathroom. Once alone, Suzy tells Badkitty she's not gonna let her use him for the sacrifice. Badkitty gets pissed and locks Suzy in her own coffin. Fred meanwhile is looking for Mutt, but instead he finds this dude who can do some pretty neat tricks with cards. But it goes on way too long and both that dude and Fred are super annoying, I was just waiting for it to end.
Wow, this is exactly like in my fantasies! Except without an ugly goth chick present!
Don't ever try to outdo Bill Cosby when it comes to Jell-o shots. He'll hand you your ass in a minute!
Jimmy Fallon is DJ Qualls as David Blaine in The Miss Cleo Story.
Finally it does, with Badkitty seducing Helmet. I dunno how far it went cause I had to go throw up some green jell-o myself. When I came back, Angel and Fluffy was tricking Arthur into making him think they were gonna bone him. Instead, they lock him in a upright coffin. Then one of the annoying retards in the Halloween mask comes and kills him for some reason. This is never made clear.

While we're on the subject of things never made clear. What the fuck was going with:
1. This one guy that  Douchebag Goatee Guy and Other Halloween Mask Retard "accidently" killed and hid from Badkitty?
2. The scene where Fluffy says that some dude is talking to the pizza delivery guy, but I dunno who the one dude or the pizza delivery guy was, since we never seen either of them before. I think it was a real pizza delivery guy and Mr. Martini was like "YOU'RE GOING INTO MY MOVIE!" and refused to pay for the pizza until the guy "acted". That's my theory.
And finally, 3. All the retards in the Halloween masks. They just confused me and made my head hurt.

Ok, I got all the annoying sub-plots out of the way. Let's wrap this up.
"Do you know who you are?"
"Nope."
"Ok me neither."
"Gimmie a piggy back ride!"
The Return of Alice!
So Arthur is dead, and Mutt is looking for Fred. Helmet finds Suzy locked in her coffin and frees her. Mutt comes in and she tells them both that Badkitty is gonna sacrifice Fred cause it's the only original idea Flint Martini could think of. Obviously Mutt and Helmet laugh at this and we're treated to the scene of Suzy looking for some black robes THREE FUCKING TIMES before telling them to put them on.

Badkitty gives Fred a mickey in his drink and he passes out. Goatee Douche and some other Halloween Mask Retard carry his body into a room, where Mutt and Helmet find him. Suzy thinks if she talks to Badkitty one more time, she'll change her mind. Nope, Badkitty has her tied up.
This scene just gets funnier and funnier the 900 times they repeat it.
Abu Ghraib Prison controversal finds it way to the goth community.
No, check that. THIS is my fantasy...but still without that ugly goth chick.
Then there is a 10 second black space, which I thought meant my DVD broke and I was gonna be the happiest guy in the world cause then I don't have to do this review. But no, it started back up again and I continued crying, rolling on the floor, asking God when will it be over!

Anyway, what I guess that 10 second black space symbolized was the amount of time it took Mutt and Helmut to get Fred's shirt off and put on one of the Halloween Mask Retards, so Badkitty can think he's Fred. This ploy works and Badkitty kills this guy. When nothing happens, everyone then realizes they have no idea what WAS suppose to happen, and get confused. Then they discover who she killed and all hell breaks loose.

Fred comes to and he frees Suzy. He decides enough is enough and rips his robe off and suddenly he is built like a young Lou Ferigno. And a bad rip off of "The Crow" starts.
The Crow 5: It's Just Getting Sad Now
By far the best shot in this entire movie.
There's five minutes left of the movie and I have no fucking idea what the hell was going on. I watched the ending 10 times and I was confused. Here's what went down, step by step (Remember that show? Oh Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Summers...)

-Some Halloween Mask Retard asks for the book back.
-The book falls on the floor, where Suzy grabs it, but she's tackled by ugly goth girls.
-She throws the book to Helmet, who doesn't know what to do with it. He gets jumped.
-Fred does some lame karate moves, which causes body parts to explode on the wall. So much for the rent deposit back.
-Helmet kicks some ass and drinks a beer.
-Some Retard is choking Mutt.

And then...there was no monster. No man named Douglas to be found...well ok no. Suddenly everyone is gone and Fred says "The book was destroyed." Ummm, ok. I didn't see that happen. And apparently Badkitty's contract with this movie ran out cause she disappeared. We just see Fluffy and Angel run to a car and say "LETS GET OUT OF HERE SCOOBY!". Fred makes one last lame joke and Helmet chugs down two beers at the same time. AND CUT! PRINT! THATS OUR MOVIE!
"But it don't make any sense."
"Shut up! I'm Flint Martini! I'll do as I please!"
"But what happened to the book? And Badkitty?"
"Listen you little turd! It's Sunday night! I have to get back to my shift at Taco Bell in the morning! WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME! DAMMIT!"
"Ok, Ned."
"IT'S FLINT! FLINT MARTINI! AND I'M A BAD ASS MOTHERFUCKER!! COME ON GUYS!!"
Oh of course. This final shot explains every thing in the movie. How could I be so dumb.
Ok, maybe I'm being a little mean. But I think this movie deserves it. If time travel was possible, I'd go back and tell myself not to get this movie. To quote the principal from "Billy Madison": "I think we all feel a little dumber after watching this movie". Or words to that effect.
I'll give this movie a LITTLE break. I've made things in my spare time that weren't up to par. But I didn't unleash them onto the public or nice innocent guys named Jason from Indiana. But I'll give 1/3 a star for one funny moment about checking Fred's wee-wee, 1/3 star for the one nude scene (which every horror movie needs), and 1/3 star for Suzy cause she was hot. Now why couldn't have THAT chick emailed me? Life isn't fair sometimes.
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