Halloween 3: Season of The Witch
Cameo by Michael Meyers
Dan-Doctor dude who apparently can take a week off of work to investigate ONE strange death.
Ellie-Hot girl who wants to know what happened to her father. Likes older boozed up doctors apparently.
Henry-Ellie's father. Found out what's been going on at Silver Shamrock and got killed for it. Looks like Jack Palance.
Teddy-Another hot girl who does whatever Dan tells her to do. Investigate this car, track down this guy. I think she hasn't been home in a week. Sadly, she gets killed before she can get naked.
Mr. Cochran-President of Silver Shamrock. Is sort of mental.
Buddy, Betty, and Buddy, Jr-Annoying family who won a free trip to Silver Shamrock. Thankfully they get eaten by snakes and bugs. Long story.
Marge-Borderline annoying chick with anger management issues. Becomes an accidental victim to Cochran's plan.
The reason this movie exists is simple. John Carpenter wanted Michael Meyers dead, hence him getting blown up good in Halloween 2. (Sorry if I ruined it for you all, but you should know better). So every year on Halloween, Carpenter was going to release a Twilight Zone type movie having to do with, or taking place on Halloween. That's cool and all and it would've worked, but don't called it "Halloween 3" acting like it's part of the series when it isn't. Just call it, I dunno, "John Carpenter's Scary Ass Shit Happening On Halloween Series Part 1: Masks A Go-Go".

At the start we see Henry running. After having us think he's training for a marathon a creepy car follows. Henry hides in a junkyard and despite him not hiding or anything, the car continues on it's way. But the dudes driving the car aren't that easily bamboozled. They return and give chase. We then see he's being chased by two dudes in suits. What, he owes H&R Block some money? Don't fuck with H&R Block. Trust me on this.

After squishing one suited guy with a parked car (don't ask) he makes it to some old gas station that only exists in horror movies. But instead of it being run by a creepy old guy that wants to kill you, there's a nice black dude there who wants to help Henry, despite the fact Henry almost strangled the shit out of him.

The gas attendant dude takes him to the hospital, where we meet Dan, a doctor. Dan has some issues at home. He's apparently divorced and the wife got custody of their two kids. He brings them cheap plastic masks but they do everything but practically shit on them and tell Daddy that Mommy loves them more cause she got them state-of-the-line Silver Shamrock masks. Then they proceed to sing the annoying song we'll be hearing for the remainder of the movie.

Before Dan can get some ex-wife nookie, he gets a call and has to rush to the hospital. The wife says figures and goes off into the bedroom with the one thing that convinced her to divorce Dan: her vibrator. Actually, I think she hasn't had any kind of sexual stimulation in a LOOONG time cause she's a raging bitch.

At the hospital, Dan meets Henry and sees he's clutching onto a Silver Shamrock mask. Man, these things are haunting him. When the annoying commercial starts playing nearby (coincidentally, I mean jeez do these things run like every 10 seconds or what?) Henry mentions something about "them killing us all" then passing out again. Well, way to be vague there, Henry. Laughably, Dan puts him in room 13, gropes the nurse, then takes a nap.
Ok, all the confusing and weird shit aside, this movie isn't that bad. It's a little slow and you don't really get the storyline, and it seems like things just happen for no reason, like Cochran getting blown up by Stonehenge, but it could've been better.
Happy Halloween! From Silver Shamrock!!
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Graphics by Apple 2e.
"I don't care if this is the time or place, I need you inside me NOW!!"
I didn't know they were coming out with a line of "The Hills" Masks. So realistic.
"I got a thermometer you can put in your mouth, Nurse...".
Later, one of the suited thugs shows up and kills Henry by dislocating his nose bone or something. The obviously hot piece of ass nurse sees this and cries out, waking Dan. Dan gives chase and catches the dude in time to see him guzzle some gas then lighting himself on fire. Then the car explodes suddenly. Oh so he light himself on fire THEN set off some explosives. Talk about overkill.

Proving that Dan's ex is a bitch, he calls her to tell her he witnessed a murder but she don't care, she wants him there RIGHT NOW DAMMIT! Dan hangs up and thanks got he divorced that shrill of a woman. Elle shows up to identify her dad's body, then cries. Dan finds this sexy.

After Dan makes Teddy, a chick he knows somehow, figure out what the dead hitman's deal was and she agrees (There's even some weird vague thing going on here when Dan starts to ask "Do you still have-" and Teddy responds "Yes". That ALWAYS bugs me about this movie.), Dan is drinking his problems away at a local bar, where a commercial for the original "Halloween" starts playing. Oh ha ha ha what fun to be had.
Let's play One Degree of John Carpenter!
The annoying commercial that plays throughout the movie. Good luck getting it out of your head now.
Since Dan is apparently a drunk, Elle finds him at the bar (it must be listed as his second place of residence) and begs for help in finding out what the hell happened to his dad. I guess all the town's detectives were busy or something, so a drunk doctor was the best he could do. Oh hey! I think I found the inspiration for "House"!

Elle figures out that Daddy went to Santa Mara, the home of Silver Shamrock, to pick up an order of masks. It was after that he vanished for a bit then ended up dead in a hospital. That seems like the logical starting point so road trip!

They arrive at Santa Mara and everyone in town stares at them cause this movie has to give off a creepy vibe. Otherwise this don't make sense. It's acknowledged later on in the movie that people come to this town all the time to pick up orders for their shops, so why a whole town of people would stare at strangers in their town doesn't make a lot of sense. But whatever, that's the least of this movie's problems.

Dan and Elle decide to pose as a honeymoon couple or something and check into a nearby hotel. There we meet Buddy, Betty, and Buddy Jr, who instantly annoy us. Ten seconds later we meet Marge, who's pissed off about, well, life in general it seems like.

In the hotel room, Dan and Elle decide to fall in love and immediately fuck. After a quick fuck, Dan realizes he hasn't had alcohol in his system for over an hour and decides to fix that. He rushes off to a liquor store and on the way he runs into some homeless guy. Dan is quick to offer him a sip of his booze, which is gross but yet again least of this movie's problems. Dan grills the boozy homeless guy about Silver Shamrock and it's founder/owner Cochran but all we get is weird crap is going on up there and he's gonna torch the place some night. To prove that Big Brother is watching in this town, Cochran sends some suited thugs to kill homeless guy.

Back at the hotel, the fucking resumes and we take a peek in Marge's room. Instead of furiously masturbating to calm the fuck down, she decides to check out this button that fell off a Silver Shamrock mask. On the back of it is some computer chip thingy so Marge does the smart thing and poke at it with a piece of metal. Some light comes out, hitting her in the face, and she now looks like Mike Tyson punched his way out of her mouth. And some bug crawls out, so we're good and creeped out.
"Can you believe last week I was the President of AIG! Now I'm giving blowjobs on buses."
William H. Macy!
"I'm just poking at some circuitry, what's the worst that can happ-"
"Well damn. At least I can finally be a cenebite!"
After Cochran shows up to clean up Marge's body and telling Dan he's taking her body to the factory instead of a hospital, Dan realizes something is up and it's time to head to the factory. There, they confirm that Elle's Dad was there to pick up his order. Realizing that it's back to square one, they go to leave but The Annoying Family show up! Cochran invited them (why?) for a tour and Buddy invites Dan and Elle to go along on the tour.

On the tour we just learn how the masks are made and that Cochran loves a good practical joke. And that early in his career he made weird bizarre and creepy toys that no child in their right mind will ever want. Dan has had enough of Cochran's creepy voice (it seems like he wants to break out into a "Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha" type of laugh all the time but is keeping it suppressed.) and wants to leave. Elle spots Daddy's station wagon just chillin in one of Cochran's garage and freaks out. Dan doesn't do anything and some more weird suited dudes show up to muscle her away.

Now they decide to leave town and say "Screw figuring out what happened to Daddy". But Elle gets kidnapped by (surprise!) suited dudes. Dan follows them to the factory and we get a lovely 20 minute scene of Dan just roaming around the factory. He FINALLY finds some old lady sewing and when he attempts to interrogate her about the whereabouts of Elle (like she'd know?) her head comes off. Turns out to be a robot. A suited dude comes out and nabs him. Cochran shows up and demands that Dan pay for a new robot sewing lady. Then he decides to turn into a Bond Villain and explain what his evil plan is.
Apparently Cochran makes nightmares.
"When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way!"
From the Norman Bates line of dolls.
"Aw I drank too much Tang before the fight."
While I'm not too clear on what it is exactly, I know it involves Stonehenge which he somehow managed to steal. I swear I'm not making that up, he stole Stonehenge. And he chiseled parts of it off and put them in that computer chip thingy that Marge was messing with early. Then those annoying commercial set some kind of thing off in those chips, causing anyone wearing the masks to die and turn into bugs and snakes. To demonstrate this, he shows us footage of Annoying Family locked in a room while Buddy Jr turns into bugs and snakes, which then kill the parents.

I have no words. Or any idea what the hell that's about.
The Night HE Runs Around A Factory For 20 Minutes, Then Gets Easily Caught.
I know this is getting old but I gotta say it. Last time I swear:
"I've had it with these mutherfuckin' snakes coming out of my mutherfuckin' kid!!!"
Cochran ties Dan up, puts a mask on him, then turns on a TV cause at 9PM on Halloween night, the commercial that triggers the bugs and snakes are gonna play and every kid in the world is gonna die. And this is funny to Cochran for some reason. Well, he kinda gives a reason for doing it. Something about how a long time ago someone went around and killed kids cause the planets were aligned or something and now it's time again. But I think this was just some afterthought done by Carpenter and the writer of the movie. They just wanted to show kids turn into bugs and snakes.

Of course Dan escapes, finds Elle, and using the killer commercial and the chips kills off the suited thugs, who turn out to be robots designed by Cochran. Teddy found this out but a suited thug drilled a hole in her, so this info didn't go far. With the thugs dead, Stonehenge gets revenge by shooting a light into Cochran and blowing him up. Honest. This causes a fire and Dan and Elle get out before the plant explodes.
"Candy? Ew. Can I just have a bottled water and some tofu? Totally."
I don't think this is what Sarah Palin meant by "Drill, baby, drill." Or maybe it was, who knows.
"Come to the coast. We'll get together. Have a few laughs."
"Oh crap, in destroying the factory, we caused the apocalypse!"
Now the happy couple is driving away, wondering who to tell when Elle attacks Dan!! Dan fights her off, which causes the car to crash into a tree. He finds out that Elle is now a robot!! WHA??? This is probably the stupidest twist in the movie cause it makes no sense. You're saying Cochran completely cleaned out Elle's insides and turned her into a robot? WTF Halloween 3??? WTF!

After a 30 minute battle with RoboElle, Dan runs to the nearest town and ends up at that creepy gas station run by the nice black dude from the beginning. Dan uses the phone to call, I guess, the major networks and beg them to not air the commercials. I wanna point out that in this movie's universe there's only three channels in existence, so I'm guessing this movie takes place in 1952. The first two channels turn off the commercial but the third one keeps playing. Dan screams into the phone TURN IT OFF!! TURN IT OFF!!! TURN IT OFF!!!!! I felt compelled to listen so I did. Then I realized this was the end of the movie so it didn't matter anyway.