| Hard Bastard The Bob Dole Story! |
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| (Note: None of these characters are given names, seriously. If you don't believe me, ask my friend Bill Szany. So anyway, I'm gonna give them all my own special names.) The Main Bastard-The movie sort of centers around this guy. He, his friend/brother, and his sister/wife/ finace go around, um, selling things. I guess. Female Bastard-The Main Bastard's sister/wife/finace. She can kick some ass when she wants to. Seems to have a thing for The Other Bastard. British Bastard-The dude is Asian, but whoever dubbed his voice was British. He's the Main Bastard's friend. The Other Bastard-His theme song is the opening of "Time" by Pink Floyd!! He's the son of a gangster man and isn't too happy about it. Stripper Bastard-I THINK her name might actually be Ling-Ling. The Main Bastard falls for her, breaks up with The Female Bastard, but ends up...oh just read the review. Old Bastard-He has a noodle stand next to our main Bastards and he provides everyone with free noodles, stomach problems, and can kick ass. Main Gangster Bastard-Most gangsters would try to muscle in on, say, rich neighborhoods. This guy however muscles in on poor people who hang out and/or live on a dock. He has some funny scenes that just start off with him saying, "WHAT?!" He's upset that our Main Bastard's are on the dock for free and won't leave. So he sends in... Throwaway Bastards-They work for The Main Gangster Bastard, and pretty much get their asses kicked and/or killed. |
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| Ohh kung-fu movies. No wonder guys like them so much. There's so little plot and a whole lot of fighting for no reason. There are several reasons why this movie is possibly the best one I've seen. One thing is the title obviously. The second thing is the performances. I don't even know how to put it into words. The Main Bastard's facial features, The British Bastard's accent, The Main Gangster Bastard's "WHAT?!" scenes, this movie is just priceless. What little plot that this movie has goes likes this: our three Bastard friends, after breaking into some guy's house and stealing musical instraments, go to some dock to sell some fake medicine/remedy that'll "cure anything and make anyone stronger". One funny moment is when a lady asks if it cures farting. The Main Gangster Bastard finds out that our three bastard friends is on the dock without paying some fee to stay on the dock. The Main Bastard fights off The Throwaway Bastard's left and right. This takes up about 25 minutes of the movie. The Main Bastard befriends The Old Bastard and is rather jealous that he can fight better than he can, which is baffling because The Main Bastard fights pretty damn well. There's another plot involving The Other Bastard and The Female Bastard and there may or may not be a romance. The Main Bastard gets jealous and falls for Stripper Bastard. The Old Bastard picks up his noodle stand and leaves the dock because he fought off some Throwaway Bastards. He decides he's a street psychic and he goes ahead and teaches The Main Bastard how to fight. This consists of him "pretending to be from America" and wearing a really bad disguise. This is done so The Main Bastard can save The Stripper Bastard, somehow. The plot gets more confusing as everyone is mad at each other for reasons unknown. Somehow The British Bastard & The Stripper Bastard get kidnapped and The Main Bastard and Female Bastard team up to save them, which is ironic. Then somehow The Stripper Bastard, The Other Bastard, and The Main Gangster Bastard get killed in some sort of triple/double cross. Thinking enough is enough, the remaining characters team up and kick the remaining Throwaway Bastard's until they're all dead. This all takes place on a beach and it ends rather abruptly. |
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| This review might not have made much sense, but watching the movie won't make things much clearer. This, and any kung fu movie, exist only for people to watch other people kick people's asses. It is rather amusing though.
You bastard. |
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