| 3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain It's Actually Worse Than It Sounds |
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| 3 Ninjas-Named Rocky, Colt, and "Tum-Tum". Were trained to be ninjas by their grandfather four movies ago and now they use said skills to save...an amusement park? Grandpa-(To the tune of Rollin's Band "Liar")-Cause he's a liar! He'll teach you ninja skills! And say he'll be at your birthday party but not show up!! (Ok, needs works) Amanda-Girl who moves across the street from the Ninjas. Is a tech geek. Dave Dragon-Played by Hulk Hogan. TV star of some Power Rangers rip off show. Is surprised it got cancelled. Doesn't do much else. Lothar-Played by Jim Varney. Yes THAT Jim Varney. The second in command of the bad guys. Medusa-Played by Loni Anderson. I swear. The head honcho (or would that be honcha?) of this stupid plan to take over an amusement park. Is able to defeat a former wrestler a bunch of times. Random goons, carny's, and dumbasses-All work for Medusa. |
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| I shit you not when I say this is the FOURTH film in the "3 Ninjas" series. I assumed it was the third only because the fucking DVD says so. That says a lot about a movie series when the people packaging the DVD doesn't even know what number the movie falls under.
And even though I haven't seen, let alone reviewed, the previous three movies in the series, there is hardly nothing you need to know about them to watch this movie. Here's all that was explained in the first movie that sorta carried on to the fourth: the kid's name. The kids go by goofy nicknames throughout the series and their Grandfather, played by the other wise looking Asian guy you'd get for your movie if Pat Morita was busy (Victor Wong), gave them the nicknames because it represents them. One is named Rocky cause he lost in the first movie and as each movie goes along he gets more retarded. One is named Colt cause he's a Payton Manning fan. And one is named (ugh) Tum-Tum. I...don't wanna get into that one. I bought this movie a long ass time ago because the cover boasts the awesome starring power of Hulk Hogan, Loni Anderson, AND Mothafuckin' Jim Varney! Yes, Ernest is in this fucking movie. Sadly, he's not Ernest in this movie. I would much rather watch "3 Ninjas Meet Ernest, Hulk, and That Slutty Chick From WKRP" than this but sadly that's not what we get. This movie starts off with our 3 Ninja's running an obstacle course set up by their "grandfather". I put that in quotes cause the Grandfather is the only Asian in this entire series. To keep my sanity, I'm gonna assume Grandpa here adopted the Lil Ninja's Mom. So we know what's gonna happen to Jon Gosslin in the future. The Minor Ninja's make it through the deadly obstacle course, which consists of hockey sticks and boxing gloves. While celebrating, Grandpa says "Shut up you brats" and turns the lights off and makes them go through it again. This time, one of the kid's dies. But thankfully, they have a backup kid in storage. The point of this is the kids are good ninjas...until your turn the lights off. Then they suck. So when that comes up later in the movie, try to be surprised, ok guys? Later that night, the oldest, Rocky, is saying he's getting too old for this shit and wants to retire at the ripe old age of 15 and start boning his girlfriend Jennifer. Colt and (ugh) Tum-Tum (I'm calling him T.T, I'm sorry. I went to college for a semester, I refuse to call a kid Tum Tum.) think Rocky is being a jerk. Meanwhile, Grandpa hears this and gets sad. Aw, it'll be ok Grandpa. Octo-mom thinks you're hot. The next day, Grandpa drops the kids back off at home and Mom is happy the kid's are in one piece (The replacement kid is doing a good impression). It's revealed that the next day is T.T's birthday and they're going to Six Flags, er, "Mega Mountain". Grandpa promises he'll be there and he gives T.T a pocket watch with some Asian saying on it. Something like "Live long and prosper" or something. You know who else is gonna be at Mega Mountain? DAVE DRAGON!! Dave Dragon hosts a show that's kinda like the Power Rangers if they teamed up with a washed up wrestler. T.T loves the show but sadly, the days of goofy guys dressing up in robes and fighting CGI monsters is over, so Dave Dragon's show is getting cancelled. Aw, but they never figured out if Fighter X was Dave Dragon's brother! |
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| Ah, so we have Charlie Sheen to blame for this. |
| "So in order to reach enlightenment, we have to dig Grandpa's grave?" |
| "I was trying to catch them masturbating, I didn't think they'd be talking about me!" |
| "Can't talk now Mom! '3 Ninjas Goes To College' is on!!" |
| T.T is bummed by this and refuses a giant sandwich. I guess one of the major running gags in this series is T.T LOVES to eat (hence the dumb ass name) and him not being hungry is a sign or something. Mom contemplates the sandwich and the camera goes off her before she shoves it down her gaping maw.
We then cut to a scene of some bad dudes on a boat. We know they're bad cause they're wearing black. One of the bad dudes is holding a sai and pointing at a map and holy shit, here's Jim Varney! He's one of the bad guys!! He has a thin mustache and slicked back hair. Cause in dumb kids movies, that's how bad guys dress. The map Ernest is looking at is to Mega Mountain. What?? They're gonna attack Mega Mountain the same day the 3 Ninja's will be there?? REALLY??? What are the odds? Me-thinks Ernest should've friended T.T on Facebook and should've saw the status message "GOING TO MEGA MOUNTAIN FOR MY B-DAY!!!1111!! FOOD!" The morning of the big eventful trip to Mega Mountain, a new family is moving across the street from the Ninja household. There's a toy helicopter flying around and the pilot is Amanda, the girl moving in across the street. Some kid on a skateboard knocks her down, causing the helicopter to crash into one of the Ninja's room. Probably while he was masturbating. To say she's sorry, she has breakfast with the Ninja clan. Soon, they invite her along to Mega Mountain. Considering what happens to her later, she probably wishes she stayed home and helped unpack. But she comes along anyway. Oh and guess what? Her dad is some movie star and did you know when your dad is a movie star, you make all the props for him? AND they actually work? Like a yo-yo with small knives on them and smoke bombs? Special effects. Who needs them? |
| "Eat it, kid. How else am I gonna give you your ritalin?" |
| "Hey, Vern, check it out! I got one of them weapons from them Ninjer Turtles!" |
| This looks Photoshopped. I know cause of the pixels and I've seen a few 'shops in my time. |
| Turns out Rocky, not Michelangelo, is the party dude. |
| Finally, it's off to Mega Mountain. Rocky spots his girlfriend Jennifer with some other kids and he abandons Colt, T.T, and Amanda cause "they're little squirts". One of the kids hanging with Jennifer, let's call him Douche, is a major douchebag. I think he's played by Spencer Pratt. You know how the kid that plays Malfory in the Harry Potter movies is kind of a dick? Well, he looks like LESS of a dick next to Douche.
Colt, T.T, and Amanda go watch Dave Dragon's show and it's pretty much just 30 minutes of him flipping guys around. I'd find it pretty boring, but I'm not a 10-year-old ninja. While that's happening, Ernest and his crew are slowly taking over the park. And it turns out Ernest isn't the master mind behind this. How surprising. It's actually...Loni Anderson?!? Wow. At first it seems like they're wanting to kidnap Dave Dragon, hell it even says that on the back of the DVD cover. But they didn't know he was even there until they saw his posters everywhere. Ernest tells some random goons to capture him. So why are they taking over this park? And where's John McClane? (Seriously, how was this idea not used for Die Hard 4?) Well, that'll be revealed soon. I wanna talk about HOW they take over this park. First Loni Anderson dresses up as a nun and pretends to be from the Church of Perpetual Motion. (Yeah that sounds real.) A dumb guard falls for this and lets her in. Soon, a bunch of other goons with guns beat up all the carny's. Ok, this is the first of many unbelievable things that happen in this movie. Have you seen carny's? They're pretty much convicts. Not ex-cons, actual convicts. Doing this job is in exchange for prison time. Anyway, all the carnys are replaced with other carny-looking people so no one notices. Then a Jamaican hacker (they exist) takes over "the mainframe" and soon have control of all the rides in the park. And despite all these carny's now holding guns, and a bunch of faux carny's waving guns to people TRYING to get into the park, no one thinks anything about this. Meanwhile, Dave Dragon is STILL flipping people around and tripping them. Thankfully, it's over. T.T wants his autograph, so Colt talks him backstage. There, some of Loni's goons get to Dave Dragon first and they knock him out. Before they can take him, T.T and Colt show up and go "Hey!". Soon the goons are chasing 2/3rds of the Ninja's. The other Ninja is trying to grab his first boob and not kill Douche. Jennifer just remembered that she suddenly doesn't have her purse. Rocky agrees to go get it for her. At the lost and found, Rocky notices T.T and Colt running from the goons and goes into action to save them. This fight sequence takes place in a wild west setting, with cowboys fake fighting. Fuck, there's a horrible joke here about what one guy wants on his Tombstone. You seen the commercial, so I don't need to repeat it. Thankfully, the tiny ninjas make things a bit more exciting and start beating up the goons. Soon, Rocky joins the fun and the goons are defeated by kids half their size. I dunno where Loni got her henchmen from but I hope she kept the receipt. Loni sees this and hilariously growls. Then she contacts the park owner, Mr. Jacobson. Apparently, she's holding the park hostage and wants Mr. Jacobson to pay the ransom. I guess that works? The 3 Ninja's and Amanda join up and figure out what to do. They decide to get Dave Dragon's help, who is just now waking up. They update him on the situation and he goes "Ok, but since you're kids us adults will handle this." Now, this is Hulk Hogan. I would assume Hulk can handle his own. But the real stars of this movie are the 3 Ninja's, so naturally he fucks up. A lot. |
| Ever since Burt, Loni was natually attracted to weird looking guys with mustaches. |
| "Maybe this will make that Johnny Fever get the message!" |
| *GASP* Say it ain't so, Hulk! Say it ain't so!! |
| I.....no words can express...I...nevermind. |
| The kids realize this and just go off on their own anyway. They find one of the goon's walkie-talkies and call for help in a way their father taught them. Their father is an F.B.I agent by the way. This works and soon the parking lot is swarming with cops, firefighters, F.B.I, S.W.A.T and other initials.
Loni gets pissed that the cops are there and decides to teach them a lesson. Because EVERYONE IS FUCKING OBLIVIOUS to the guys with guns, people are still getting on rides. Loni turns the speed of one ride up so high, everyone starts re-creating the ending of "2001: A Space Odyssey". Here, some continuity breaks down. The kids rush to the ride and while the ninja's are fighting the goons, Amanda uses her laughable kid computer to hack into the ride but nothing happens. Soon, she simply presses the EMERGENCY STOP button and we clearly see the ride stop. But during the fight scenes, the ride keeps on moving. And now suddenly Amanda can hack into the computer. I'm guessing some editor forgot to take a scene out or something. Anyway, Amanda is able to stop the ride safely. Everyone gets off it dizzy and throwing up. That must smell pleasant. Loni is pissed and wants Ernest to send three dumbasses after them. It seems like every kids movie that has a team of bad guys, there's always two or three dumbasses on hand. Why do the evil bosses always keep them around, yet they're confused when they lose in the end? One of the dumbasses looks like Hurley, which should make this match-up fairly easy. While that's happening, Dave Dragon is following Ernest to the headquarters he and Loni is using. Dave knows he needs to get in and disguises himself. Here's a quiz: How does Dave Dragon disguise himself? A-As one of the goons B-As one of the carny's C-Has a guy in a rabbit outfit? |
| If you chose C, you clearly wrote this movie. |
| You know I wonder if Hulk Hogan looks at all the movies he made and regrets making some of them. This is probably high on the list.
Somehow that works and he sneaks into Loni's Lair where the fight of the century happens! Dave beats on some goons and is about to attack Loni when she simply zaps him with something and gets him tied to a chair. Good job, Hulk. Good job. Back with the kids, they outsmart, outlive, and outrun the three dumbasses by strapping them onto a ride that I like to ride at carnivals. I don't know what it's called, but it's the one you sit in and it goes around and around forward fast. Then it stops for a second, then goes backwards even faster. Normally, there's a DJ and they play metal music. I love it. Anyway, that ride is used as a weapon in this movie. Good choice, movie. Ruin my favorite ride. Naturally, Loni and Ernest are pissed about this and decide to take matters into their own hands. Meanwhile, the S.W.A.T are about to move in but Loni has a surprise for them. While this is happening, all Dave can do is sit there, tied to a chair and say things like "You're finished! Ka-put! Adios! Na-na-na-na! Hey-hey-hey! Goodbye!" Loni reveals she electrified the gate the S.W.A.T is climbing and this is enough to make them quit for good. I guess the S.W.A.T don't have helicopters. |
| Obglitory nut-hit. |
| Time Cop, Jr. |
| "I can't wait to tell all your wrestling buddies that I took you down." |
| "Dude, I didn't know there was a carnival on the island!" |
| Because of the S.W.A.T, Loni decides to fuck up more rides. But what she didn't count on was Amanda. She figured out how to hack into the same computer Bob Marley there is using and override it so Loni can't control them. But Amanda didn't get to one ride and Loni manages to stop it, leaving the people on the ride hanging upside down on the loop-de-loop. Again, I ask why are you still getting on rides if there are people with guns?
And I don't know why this happened but when Dave sees the people trapped upside down, he screams "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" and breaks his chains and starts to fight Loni!! YEAH!!! You can kick her ass!!! Beat her-oh she zapped you again. Fuck, Hulk Hogan, did you even read the script? Loni takes Dave to some...I don't even know what it is. It's by the roller coaster that's stuck upside down and there's a small opening with a big locked door. Inside the opening are some people. Now, why are certain people held hostage and others free to ride rides? I think Loni is doing shit as she goes along. Anyway, Dave is thrown in to Schindler's List of Roller Coasters and all the kids are like "You're Dave Dragon, do something!" but Dave says he can't fight guns. That's right!! AMERICA!!!! FUCK YEAH!!! I think Glenn Beck cried a bit. Well, he cries all the time, so it's hard to tell. |
| I knew it!! This movie is Religious propoganda!!! Damn Mormons! |
| Let's see...a 6 foot tall former wrestler with muscles the size of me vs a 5 foot tall skinny woman with big tits. Hmm... |
| "You're gonna make them watch 'Mr. Nanny'?!?! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" |
| The Rise and Fall of Dave Dragon |
| F.B.I Agent Dad tells Jacobson to give Loni the ransom money. The plan is to fly over the park and drop the money into Loni's hands. Jacobson agrees to this, but he's not too happy about it. While that happens, the dumbasses decide to get revenge by kidnaping Jennifer. Douche gets his comeuppance when Hurley yells in his face, causing Douche to pee his pants. Ha-ha!
The dumbasses tie Jennifer to a roller coaster track. Rocky sees this and goes to rescue her. But Ernest gets in the way and now Rocky must fight Ernest. Well, Ernest's stunt double anyway. It'd be hilarious if his name was Vern. For some dumbass reason, Rocky and Ernest climb to the top of the loop-de-loop and they just kinda stand there, trying not to fall. Rocky still has the yo-yo with the knives and uses it to cut Ernest in half!! Ok, no. He just wraps it around his leg and causes him to fall. He lands in some boxes and is immediately arrested. Rocky goes to free Jennifer, but upon seeing Jacobson's helicopter, Loni lets the roller coaster free and it's heading for Jennifer! Oh boy I'm at the edge of my-oh they made it ok. Nevermind. Loni and the remaining goons go get the money that's being dropped into their arms. Amanda gets a plan. For some dumbass reason she bought along her toy helicopter so she turns it on and...oh jeez this hurt my brain. She flies the fucking helicopter into the CANVAS bag full of money. The bag itself disintegrates, leaving the money to rain on all the park customers. Both Loni and Jacobson says "NO! That's my money!!" Aw, look at that fucking love connection. |
| I guess it's Vern's turn to fight. |
| "Hehehehehe ewwwwyyyyeeewww" |
| Better grab an umbrella
I make it rain got a handful of stacks Better grab an umbrella I make it rain on dem ho's. |
| Loni spots Amanda alone cause the Ninja's are gone somewhere and the dumbasses take her. T.T notices this and is about to follow along when Dave Dragon proves he's not a wimp and kicks some ass, freeing the people in the makeshift concentration camp. Dave Dragon teams up with the 3 Ninja's and-oh oops he got knocked out. Fuck, Hulk doesn't do shit in this movie.
The 3 Ninjas follow Loni, who is dragging Amanda. And I swear to God Loni says this to Amanda: "I'm gonna make you my slave, so you can work off all the money you just costed me. So you'll be done in, what, 50 years?" I got news for you lady, you're not gonna live for 50 years, even if you get out of this mess. How the fuck you gonna tell a kid- Oh the 3 Ninjas are now fighting some more goons and Loni, Amanda, and the dumbasses are escaping. How the fuck are you gonna tell a kid you're gonna make her your slave in a kid's movie? I get so it's to make the kids watching your movie hate her more, but jeez. And this is fuckin' Loni Anderson saying this shit. It's not like they got- The 3 Ninja's are fighting. A lot of nut-kicking is happening. It's not like they got Meryl Streep or Sharon Stone to play the female bad guy here. It's fuckin' Loni Anderson, the slutty chick from "WKRP". How is she gonna make a little girl a slave? See Amanda, I bet unwrapping dishes don't look so bad now. Ok, finally. Amanda gets free for .5 seconds but Loni captures her again and handcuffs her to a pipe. I guess she rethought the slave crap cause now she wants to blow her up. She plants a bomb near Amanda and says "Later" and leaves. And since Loni was impressed with how the kids fought, she taps into their weakness and shoots out all the lights. NOOO!!! It's only slightly less darker than what it was before! You bitch!!! Of course, the kids get their asses handed to them. They stop and think about their Grandpa. Hey wait a minute! Oh, they learn how to fight in the dark. While that's going on- What happened to Grandpa? He said he'd be there at the park for T.T's birthday! He should be here, either kicking ass with the kids or being sent to roller coaster concentration camp. He's nowhere to be found! What a liar. Needless to say, they manage to kick ass in the dark now. They get to Amanda and find the bomb. After trying to computer hack into the bomb (like THAT works), Rocky gets an idea. He grabs some air tanks and some tape. He takes the bomb and tapes it to the tanks. Now he just needs to break the compressors. But he can't. FINALLY Dave Dragon proves he good for something when he come along and breaks the compressors. This sends the tanks flying down the sewer. Meanwhile, Loni and dumbasses are climbing aboard their boat. See what's gonna happen? Well, normally, the tanks would hit the bottom of this boat, maybe denting it. The bomb would probably barely scorch the side. BUT! This is a kid's movie! Kids have A.D.D, you know? They need fuckin' fireworks. So when this makeshift torpedo hits, it looks like a fuckin' nuclear bomb was dropped. I guess the dumbasses got killed cause now we just see Loni by herself washing up on shore, where cops are now greeting her. Thank god, this movie is almost over. We just have to get through the uplifting ending. The kids are being interviewed by the news when the family, INCLUDING GRANDPA (liar), shows up and they all hug. Rocky says he'll continue doing ninja lessons until he's old and grey. Or when Grandpa dies next year. Whatever comes first. And they want Amanda to take lessons with them. The news reporter calls the Ninja's heroes but they turn and find Dave all sad and lonely. Yeah, that's right you didn't do crap! T.T says Dave is the real hero. Wait, WHAT??? He didn't do SHIT!!! He kept getting his ass kicked by Loni-fucking-Anderson! How is he a hero??? Well, this works cause the news focuses on him. The network renews Dave's show and the reporter pretty much starts fucking Dave right there on the air. What a happy ending. Before he comes and kills me, I have no problem with Hulk Hogan. I think he is an awesome guy. I don't watch wrestling anymore but I did when I was a kid and I loved Hulk. He as a person is the coolest guy ever. But the movie roles he takes, man, I don't know. Why did Hulk subject himself to this? I know he had to have read this script. I think he just needed the money. I'm just glad he's doing ok now. Well, kinda. Hulk, stay awesome. |
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| With that said, fuck this movie sucked. I don't think I can even subject my own kids to this, when I get them. When I do have kids, I'll be showing them old school "Ninja Turtles" and funny shit like "Inspector Gadget" and maybe even some "Robot Chicken". Now THAT shit is awesome. There is not one saving moment in this movie. It was pure torture all the way through. Seriously, this movie can "Hi-ya" itself in the ass. |
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