High School Musical
A Generic Title Deserves A Generic Movie
Troy-Played by Zac Efron, latest teen heartthrob. A typical high school basketball jock until he discovers his passion for singing. His signing up for the musical causes the end of the world.
Gabriela aka Gabby-Played by Vanessa Hudgens. Super smart chick that also discovers a passion for singing. Of course she hooks up with Troy.
Chad-Troy's best friend and fellow b-baller. Gets all pissed off when Troy shows other interests than basketball. Is always seen with a basketball in hand.
Taylor-The class president and a  smart chick herself. Thinks anybody who isn't smart is dumb...wait what?
Sharpay-Yes, that's her name. Bitchy spoiled chick who thinks she runs the school. Is shown up when Kevin Bacon comes into town! Er, not Kevin Bacon. Gabby. My bad.
Ryan-This dude loves to wear hats.
Coach Dad-Troy's dad, and also the coach of the basketball team. So now we know how Troy became captain of the team, but oddly enough no one seems to mind.
Miss Dorbus-The drama teacher. Is super over dramatic and goes on and on about the theater.
Kelsey-I only mention her cause I think she's the hottest girl in the whole group. She writes the songs that makes the high school world sing.
I weep for this current generation.

Look at me. I'm 28 years old and I'm already going on and on about these dang kids today with their loud hip hop and baggy clothes and their stupid ass musicals that make no fucking sense and how said music is the biggest piece of generic trash I've ever seen.

Bah, I'm gonna take a nap.

No, let me write about this movie first, while the pain is fresh in my mind.

Within the first minute of this movie, we're introduced to Troy and Gabby. In that first minute we know that Troy is a basketball jock who's sole passion on this planet is basketball. And that Gabby is a brainiac who loves to read, even reading some book about Einstein at a New Years Eve party.

Also in that minute, both parents of both people are like "Well, get on to the 'kid party' so us adults can drink, smoke weed, do crack, and fuck like horny mountain goats at the stroke of midnight" so both Troy and Gabby are sent to the "young adult" party, ignoring the fact Zac Efron looks to be about 30 in this movie.

In the second minute of this film, we learn there's karaoke at this swinging party and the host of this "kid party" immediately shines a spotlight on Troy and Gabby the instant they walk in and are now forced to sing karaoke.

Despite protests, and Troy being a jock, they're still forced to sing some crappy song karaoke style. Usually, karaoke features already well known songs, like "Born to be Wild" or "Too Drunk To Fuck". But I guess whoever designed this karaoke thing put in some original songs they wrote cause they sing a song no one has ever heard of.

They get into the singing eventually and at the five minute mark of this movie I'm about ready to throw my computer through a wall. After they sing their first song together, they go outside and introduce themselves. They decide to exchange phone numbers and I couldn't help but notice that Troy had a super outdated looking phone. Maybe this movie takes place in 1985?
Five of the scariest words ever uttered.
Ironically, this is where they're gonna end up 15 years from now.
"Whoa! I can't resist an ass like that."
"Hold on. 1987 is calling me."
One week later, we're whisked away to Albuquerque, New Mexico, where Bugs Bunny is making that wrong turn, probably because he was distracted by all the singing that's going on in this school, which is called East High by the way.

Troy is greeted by his fellow students with open arms and are like "You're gonna win the upcoming championship game, right? Otherwise, we wouldn't be friends with a dork like you." And wouldn't you know it? Gabby has just transferred into East High. WOW! That's, like, amazing!

Now we're introduced to Sharpay. Yes, Sharpay. Other names that were rejected included Boxer, Schnauzer, and Husky. Anyway, Sharpay is like Paris Hilton with Owen Wilson's nose. Let THAT imagine sink in for a minute. So, going by that description, you can tell that Sharpay is the school bitch and insist that everyone pretty much bow down to her feet.

My hand hurts from punching my screen everytime she came on. I need to learn to control myself.

And wouldn't you know it, again, that Gabby is in the same Drama class as Troy! The drama teacher, Miss Dorbus, is such an over the top drama teacher, I wonder if this is some inside joke saying that drama teachers have to be over dramatic.

On top of Troy being in this class, are the other main characters from this franchise, like Chad, Troy's best friend and fellow basketball enthusiast. And Taylor, the school's class president and fellow super smart chick. And of course Sharpay and her brother Ryan.

I had no idea Ryan was suppose to be her brother. They act...a bit too close to be brother and sister. Then at other times, Ryan acted totally gay. Well, gayer then everyone else around him. And of course Sharpay treats Ryan like an actual sharpay.

For some reason, probably because the script called for it, Troy decides to bust out his cell phone in the middle of class (which going by the length of time the first bell rang and the last bell rang, lasts all but 10 minutes) and calls Gabby. Why he couldn't either wait until after class or just simply wave to her is beyond me. But then the rest of the movie wouldn't have happened and honestly, I would've been ok with that.

So Troy calls Gabby and this causes Dorbus to go on a cell phone rant, while having Troy, Gabby, Sharpay, Ryan, Taylor, and Chad throw their cell phones in a bucket and give them all detention. Why did the other people get in trouble? Cause they're our main characters, silly! They all have to be together! DOY!!
Remember how your drama teacher would be a raging bitch and had a paint can for you to put your cell phones in? Yeah, me neither. My drama teacher was cool.
"Daddy says if I'm good, he'll pay for my plastic surgery."
Sign up here....IN BLOOD!!!!!
Yes, yes! Mu hahahaha!!!
Detention with Dorbus consists of everyone making the sets for the upcoming musical. HEY! The name of this movie is "High School Musical"! That's just awesome!! Troy and Gabby talk about the upcoming musical while Sharpay signs her and Ryan up, using up the entire space so, I guess, no one else can sign up. Cause you see, she's a bitch. In case it wasn't clear.

Troy's Dad, who's also the coach of the basketball team (Talk about favorites, huh?) realizes Troy isn't at practice, along with Chad, and storms into the auditorium and yells at Dorbus for actually punishing Troy for doing something wrong! I mean, gah!! He's the school's number one basketball player! He should do whatever the fuck he wants!! Haven't you ever seen "Varsity Blues", Miss Dorbus??

Coach Dad and Dorbus take their argument to the principal, despite his entire office decorated with basketball stuff. That's like President Bush taking Obama to Fox News Network to have a "fair and balanced" debate. So Coach wins and Troy can never ever get detention for anything ever again. And this would be an awesome way to have Troy go around punching people randomly and peeing on teachers, but Troy is too much of a dweeb to do such things.

See, something inside Troy woke up when he sang karaoke at some party that night on New Years Eve next to a hot chick who's gonna eventually send him naked photos over the internet and now he realizes he wants to be a singer. But he can't tell the team, or his dad, this cause they'll just point and laugh, while Troy cries.

Troy and Chad get to basketball practice and our next song comes up, about keeping their head in the game. This turns into a mantra for the team for the ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE, so much to the point that if I hear it one more time I'm gonna turn into The Incredible Hulk. And it's at this point that I realize nothing makes any damn sense.
Even his pit hair have 'fros. Ew.
If Bob Fosse coached high school basketball.
Should've seen his office when he was going through his S&M dayes.
Hm, they're holding hands. Maybe the "pics" weren't for Zac after all.
Chad went on and on about how singing and dancing is not his thing, then the music starts up and now he's singing and dancing along side Troy and the rest of the team, in a scene that was possibly over choreographed. I'm not sure if that's really possible, but leave it to "High School Musical" to make the impossible possible!

The day of the auditions are here and Troy sneaks off to them. Instead of actually getting in line, he just stands in the back, behind a mop. Don't ask...I don't wanna explain it. We watch dozens of rejects try to sing but none of them do a good job.

Dorbus gives up and has Sharpay and Ryan do their thang. Here, we're introduced to Kelsey, who I think is 10 million times hotter than Owen Hilton over here. Kelsey plays the piano and basically wrote all the songs featured in the musical. Sharpay is like "Uh, you can just stand over there and be ugly. I got some pre-arranged music planned. That's hot."

And to prove that there is such a thing as being over choreographed, Sharpay and Ryan do their thing and, oh my. There's a lot of glitter and sparkles and I don't know what. Instead of Dorbus laughing her ass off, she goes "Brava!" and when no one else steps forward, she gives Sharpay and Ryan the lead roles.

Finally, Gabby and Troy step out from the shadows and are like "We'll, uh, go" but Dorbus is like "the theater waits for no one" and doesn't give them a chance. Oh darn. I guess the movie is just gonna have to end.

But no. Kelsey decides, for some reason, to just fall down. I'm serious. She's just standing there and suddenly she's like "Oh no I'm falling" and she just simply falls down, which causes all her papers to go flying everywhere.

Troy and Gabby help her cause they're the good guys in this movie, while Sharpay talks down to Kelsey and insults her and other horrible typical Disney villain stuff. I'm surprised Sharpay didn't threaten to turn her into a fur coat at one point. Anyway, Troy and Gabby wanna hear how the song Sharpay and Ryan totally butchered originally went and they somehow immediately know the words and start singing it without looking at the sheet music. Dorbus nearby hears them and tells them to be at the call backs in two weeks or whenever.

I haven't focused too much on Gabby. She's trying to make her own mark on the school by...not doing anything. She didn't even wanna try out for the musical but because it's in the script she decides to. Taylor wants Gabby to sign up for some super smart science club cause Gabby knows all the numbers for Pi or something and another and whatever.

Troy blows off basketball to practice with Gabby and Kelsey now that he's sure that he really wants to sing. Sharpay is dismayed to find out she actually has competition. According to Taylor, Sharpay always gets the lead in the musicals since kindergarten, which scares me in thinking there's gonna be a prequel some day. God help us all if that happens.
Unfortunately, that background music is generic, sounds forced, and approved by Disney.
I dunno how old this chick is, so I'm carefully gonna say that if we were roughly the same age, I'd find her extremely cute.
I wanna point out a few things here.
1. Sharpay is audition for the role of "Minnie"?
2. Notice how Troy & Sharpay get named second?
3. The Incredible Mr. Schain???
"If you don't give me a hundred million dollars, I'll post those pictures all over the internet..."
So now the rest of the movie turns into Sharpay embracing her villain role and trying to get Troy and Gabby to drop out of the musical. She convinces Dorbus that Troy's only in it to wreck the musical cause he doesn't care about musicals, which makes Dorbus think Coach Dad put Troy up to it to wreck the drama club altogether. I think both people are putting too much hope in Troy to be able to even think of such things.

The seventh layer of hell opens up when we get a long musical number featuring all the high school students realizing that if Troy can open up and show the world he can sing, maybe they too can open up and show their other passions.

We get another basketball player named Zeke who loves to bake, which Chad is like "Keep it to yourself! Don't ruin the balance of things!" Cause jocks can only be jocks!

Some fat chick said she can break dance like there's no tomorrow but some other fatties are like "Keep it to yourself! Don't ruin the balance of things!" Cause fatties can only be fatties.

A stoner skateboarder says he plays a mean cello. After explaining what a cell is to the other stoner skaters, they all say "Keep it to yourself" blah blah blah.

In other words, how dare you try to be an individual and like many different things! You should only like one thing, AND ONLY ONE THING, and stick that one thing. Which means everyone is pissed off that their lead jock wants to be a singer.

Chad and Taylor don't take kindly to their friends (Troy and Gabby) trying "other things" and have teamed up to convince them that being in the musical is stupid and it sucks and they suck for doing it and people that suck are no good.

Chad shows Troy a bunch of pictures of the jocks of yesteryear that played at East High and how they didn't DARE join the musical. Yeah cause now they're famous for...being janitors and bag boys at the grocery store. That's the life for Troy!

Taylor and the other smart people try to convince Gabby that Troy is just a dumb jock and smart people shouldn't hang out with dumb jocks and it's beneath Gabby to be seen with scum like Troy. Then the stupidest thing ever happens.

They planted a hidden camera in the locker room where the intervention of Troy is happening and Gabby sees that Troy is telling the team that he's going to say "screw you musical! And Gabby sucks ass! Basketball! WOO!!" which makes Gabby cry exactly one tear. Seriously, just one tear.

While Troy is outside being carried around by other men, Gabby gets to sing a solo about how sad she is. Hilariously, she passes by this HUGE life sized banner with Troy on it. When her song is over, Troy goes to Gabby and before he says anything, she's like "screw you and your musical. Go play with your balls with other men." and takes off.

Troy is sad and can't concentrate (maybe he's pregnant) and doesn't have his head in the game (ugh kill me now) and can't make a single basket to save his life. Everything appears to be going back to normal.

But suddenly, everyone has a change of heart. And by everyone I mean the entire fucking school. And it's kinda all out of nowhere. One minute they're like "screw jocks singing!" and the next they're like "Eh Troy should sing." So now everyone comes clean about lying and setting Troy up to say those things and encourage Troy and Gabby to try out again.

But Gabby won't talk to Troy anymore. No matter. Troy stalks her at her house, even showing up on her bedroom patio thingy, holding up sheet music. This makes Gabby change her mind, and somehow doesn't call the police.
"Oh Troy, if only you weren't 100 feet tall. And real."
High School Stalker
So now in between basketball and doing science stuff, they practice their songs. Sharpay and Ryan see this and decide to do a typical villain move. She convinces Dorbus to move the callback to Friday, which is the same day as the big game AND some important science club thing, which means that Troy and Gabby won't be able to get to the callback and Sharpay and Ryan can make out on stage. I'm guessing.

BUT! Our plucky heroes have a plan! And they need EVERYBODY'S HELP to put it in motion! And yes, they do the stupid typical "Who's in?" with people putting their hands in the middle, then they all go "RAAAH!!" and raise their hands up.

I want to beat this movie.

So what's this plan? I still don't know. From what I saw, everyone acted like nothing was happening. The basketball team even had letters printed up on their shirts that read GO DRAMA CLUB! (With Troy saying exclamation mark, I really wanna beat this movie).

Then it's time for the championship game, the call back, and the science thingy! Still...no plan. Everyone's doing their respective thing. Sharpay and Ryan put on a super gay performance. Then suddenly Taylor becomes a super hacker by hacking into the gym and...making the lights flicker.

This freaks everyone out and the game is postponed until the flickering stops. Taylor also makes a stink bomb happen through computer, and no I have no fuckin' clue how, so the science thingy is adjourned. Troy and Gabby rush to the auditorium but they're late, Sharpay and Ryan got the part.

Oh well. Time to end the-
Even the title card maker wants out.
More like GO FUC-what? Is that too mean?
Keep in mind these two are BROTHER & SISTER! Much like Donny and Marie.
You figure out why I took this screencap. And have fun.
Oh god no. The ENTIRE student body comes pouring in and their mere presence makes Dorbus rethink her decision and lets Troy and Gabby sing. Gabby gets stage fright and doesn't sing. Well, there ya go. What the hell is the point if the LEAD actress is gonna get stage fright. But Troy tells Gabby to just look at him, like when they sang karaoke many moons ago. Except she didn't look at him, she was looking at the ground. Whatever.

So they sing, they do a great job, and of course they get the part.

They go back, play the game, and of course they win the game.

Gabby finishes her science thing and, of course, they win the science thing.

Gabby and Troy hook up, of course. Chad and Taylor hook up, of course. Zeke wants to hook up with Sharpay but, surprisingly, she rejects him. Didn't see that one coming. Touche, Disney. Touche.

Everybody, including Coach Dad, is happy for everybody, they do one final big song and dance number, of course, everybody's friends with each other suddenly, including Sharpay, of course, and this movie shows no signs of ending cause everything continues through the credits. But then we're treated to a bonus scene! Of course.
"We'll always!! Be annoying together!!!"
Zeke, the baker, is by himself feeling rejected when Sharpay tries one of his cookies and this causes her to fall in love with him. They proceed to boink right there on the gym floor and thankfully the movie comes to a close.

Wait, so what's the lesson? That even if you are popular, you can do anything you want? I don't get this. Aren't those lessons reserved for people who aren't already popular? That even popular people have to overcome their popularity to do whatever they want? And that people are really superficial and only expect you to do the one thing you're good at, and only that one thing? Good job Disney for helping the self esteem of your viewers. Good job.
Back in my day, we didn't need no fancy dancin' and singin' in our Disney films! We had Aladdin and Tarzan and The Lion King and The Little Mermaid (for the girls) and we were happy!! I knew all the words to all the songs in "Aladdin" and I was proud of it! Now these dang whipper snappers need some dorky guy named Zac to sing and I don't know what. And our Disney female character didn't appear nude...
Wait. I take that back.
Dang kids.
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