High School Musical 2
A Stupid Teen Version of "Dirty Dancing"
A scary thing happened last weekend when I was shopping with my fiancee. We were browsing through the book section at Target and we happened upon some coffee table book about "High School Musical". Knowing that I was recently tackling both movies, she picks it up and looks through it. Then she points to a picture of Taylor and goes "Who's that?" and I proceed to tell her, even explaining her role in the movie and everything. Then it dawned on me. I'm now a fuckin' expert on all things High School Musical. I had to sit down, but first I explained who the ugly chick with the big nose was.

And yes, Felicia sometimes don't read my reviews. You think she's gonna waste time and read a review about high school kids jumping around and dancing and whatnot? I think not.

Anyway. This totally unneeded sequel starts in East High. We learn it's summer through the various minor characters suddenly chanting "Summer" over and over again for roughly 20 minutes. There's also a new minor character named Jason, who appears to be the dumb guy. I'm now convinced Disney owns a time machine, went into the future, read my review, went back and said "Ok, time to introduce Jason". If that's the case, fuck you future/past Disney people. Fuck you.

Anyway (again), the bell rings and we get a stupid song about summer and how it's gonna be the best summer ever and that it's completely normal to sing every thought and idea you have. But there's a problem! In this day and age, college tuition costs so much! I dunno who told them they'd be going to college but whatever. Because it costs so much, they need to save money, which means they have to get summer jobs.

I don't know if Disney claims they're experts on the teenage mind, but I certainly hope not. Cause when I was a teenager I didn't go "Golly gee, college sure is pricey. I think I'll willfully get a summer job!" Instead, my mom yelled at me everyday about getting a job while I ignored her and watched episodes of "Mystery Science Theater 3000". Ahh...those were the days.

The problem is all the people in this town know that these kids have some weird urge to suddenly sing and dance, which could scare away customers, so no one wants to hire them. But then, Sharpay consults with the plot device and it tells her to suddenly fall in love with Troy! Sharpay is as confused as I am but goes along with it and decides to break him and Gabby up and get with him for no reason.
So that's it. That's HSM2. What could the third possibly be about? What's that you say? What do I mean the third? They possibly can't be milking this series until it dies a horrible death, you say? Well. Fucking. Think. Again. There's even a reality show about who gets to be in the fucking thing. So yeah.
Just shoot me now. And turn that into a song.
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Troy-Played by Zac Efron, latest teen heartthrob. This time around he becomes a major jerk and abandons his friends.
Gabriela aka Gabby-Played by Vanessa Hudgens. This time around she's a lifeguard and shows huge amounts of patience with Troy.
Chad-This time around he's hardly in the movie, save for one mind numbingly musical number.
Taylor-This time she's...hardly in it as well. If I were black, I'd hate High School Musical 2.
Sharpay-This time she's in love with Troy and sets out to break him and Gabby up.
Ryan-This time around he realizes his sister is a bitch and becomes a good guy. Still possibly gay.
Kelsey-Is still just in the background and despite her wearing a whole bunch of makeup, is still pretty hot.
Fulton-Is the head manager at the country club and Sharpay's lackey.
Jason-I had to mention this dude, even though he doesn't do anything. Typical.
*shudder*
"I wish Daddy would hurry up with that nose job, so I can totally stop growing my hair!"
That's WAAAY too much pink for one man.
Gah! Looks like she spray painted that outfit on her.
She overhears Troy's concerns about summer employment and the plot device also tells her that her family owns a country club! GASP! Why, she could maybe tell her parents to hire this dashing young man! And she can spend the entire summer trying to bang Troy! That'd be perfect!

So Troy gets a phone call from Fulton telling him he's got a job at the club, and Troy, being "all for one and one for all" (Yes, this phrase is later turned into a song) asks if all of his friends can get jobs too. Fulton says why not, cause the plot device has a guy against his head.

We get a overblown overdone entrance by Sharpay and Ryan, who is slowly starting to realize how big of a bitch his sister is. But he's still in love with her. Sharpay sings a song about how much of a brat she is (seriously) and Troy enters. She's so head over heels in love that she falls into the pool. But that's ok cause she's saved by a lifeguard who famously took nude photos!

Ok ok, I'll lay off the nude photos joke in this review. I just had to make one more.

Yes, Gabby is the lifeguard at the country club, much to Sharpay's dismay (Sharpay's Dismay is a great name for a band) and she yells at Fulton, who said he didn't see a problem with having EVERY FUCKING STUDENT AT EAST HIGH WORKING THERE! I liked my friend when I was in school but I don't wanna see them every freakin' day, during summer, when I'm working. But whatever. EVERYONE'S got a job here.
If the members of Red Hot Chili Pepper's were gay! ("IF??" I can hear you say)
"AHH!! Bad touch, mother! Bad touch!!"
"What's up, bro? I'm this movie's David Arquette."
Ok I'm sorry, but nobody's eyes are THAT blue. Yet...they're still dreamy.
Zeke, of course, cooks. Taylor is in charge of...something. Kelsey is the piano man, er, woman. Chad is a bus boy. And Troy was originally hired to be a bus boy along side Chad but as you'll see later on, he gets roughly 700 jobs during the course of this summer. Even some of the minor characters got jobs. Like that one fat chick from the first movie who wanted to be a break dancer got a job as an assistant cook. And Dumbass Jason (fuck you again Disney) probably was the janitor or something.

Anyway, Sharpay is pissed and tells Fulton to get rid of everyone but Troy, but he can't cause her parents hired the entire school themselves. So Sharpay says "make their jobs so miserable that they'll want to quit". And he does. But little does he know that everyone has spirit!

And of course there's some talent show thingy that's gonna happen in the undetermined future and, of course, Sharpay (and Ryan) always win every year. Kelsey wrote a piece for Troy and Gabby to sing at the talent show but Troy is like "no seriously no more singing. Remember all the trouble we had last time?" but Gabby flashes a boob and Troy goes "oh ok" and after glancing at the music sheet for 2 seconds, they both know the words to the song.

AND of course, Sharpay finds out about Troy and Gabby singing and wants to ruin their talent show showcase cause she's destined to be with Troy, dammit! So now she's off to ruin Troy's life by...helping him with his problems. I know, it don't make sense. I'm here to try to make sense of it all.

As it was mentioned a bunch of times, Troy is worried about college, but if he can get a scholarship, it'll be easy breezy fo sheezy. Sharpay's parents are on some scholarship board, so she makes Fulton make Troy be Sharpay's Dad's caddy. While caddying, Troy shows that he's good at golf, as well as basketball. I'm sure if put into a science lab he could cure cancer too.
No amout of hiding is going to do you any good, Zac. You're still gonna be in Part 3.
Some images just speak for themselves..
Sharpay's Dad is impressed and invites Troy to dinner. But there's a problem. Troy promised to take Gabby out on a date that night! So everytime Troy tries to spend time with Gabby, here comes Sharpay to take Troy away to do something to keep him busy while Gabby is sitting there, waiting for Troy.

One of these things included the weirdest thing ever to be featured in a Disney movie, I'm sure. I dunno if me just describing it will do it justice. The entire song sounds Hawaiian, which is ok. But the dancing and the costumes were just so weird. Ryan sings about some magical fish while running around stage acting like a dancing fish and Sharpay is there and...oh I can't describe it. Just trust me, it was like taking ever LSD tablet in the world and setting it to poppy kid music.

The next step in trying to get Troy forget about Gabby is having Fulton promote Troy to golf instructor and making him a club member. Troy gets excited and his first client is, of course, Sharpay. She pretends she sucks at golf when in fact she doesn't, somehow. If you ever wondered what it'd look like if Paris Hilton played golf, this is your movie.

Gabby and Taylor knows that Sharpay is up to something, since Troy isn't acting like himself. He keeps telling Chad they're gonna go hang out and do stuff and Troy tells Gabby they're gonna go to the boat house and fuck but he's too busy wearing Italian shoes and hob-nobbing with basketball players from a local college. Chad ends his friendship with Troy and goes back to not being featured too much in this movie.

In another strange turn, Ryan is feeling left out of Sharpay's plans, which include having her and Troy sing a duet at the talent show. Ryan is like "screw you, sister" and decides to be a good guy. I know, weird right? Gabby invites Ryan to a baseball game and he accepts. Along the way, they come up with a plan to have them do a thing in the talent show and it'll be directed by Ryan. But they need some help. So Ryan goes to ask Chad if he and the other "Wildcats" will join in.
Hm, I was expecitng Sharpay's dad to be Donald Trump. Or a diseased wall.
"HEEEY!!! Enjoy your super gay acid trip!!"
If your balls are pink, please consult your doctor.
What happens next is possibly the gayest, stupidest, contradictory thing that I have ever saw. Chad wants to see if Ryan has what it takes to play baseball, so Ryan accepts and then this song starts up. It's called "I Don't Dance" and the entire concept of the song is Chad telling Ryan that he doesn't sing and dance. And he does this by singing and dancing about it. It makes no sense. That's like me typing out the words "I can't type in English" but you're reading it in English but I said I don't type in English-UUUGH!!! I hate this movie!!!

And because Ryan was pretty good at baseball, Chad and the other Wildcats agree to be in the show. Now that Ryan is a good guy, he's spending time with Gabby, and there's all kinds of innuendo here when Ryan says that Gabby makes the best brownies and Troy goes "I know. I had them." Oh yeah, earlier, Gabby begged Troy to make this a "summer she'll never forget" which is code for "fuck me so hard that I time travel till next summer". Which if she's going from Troy to Ryan for this, she's in for a big disappointment.

Troy continues to ditch his friends and hot girlfriend and practices with Sharpay. Sharpay made Kelsey rewrite the song Troy and Gabby sang earlier to make it 20 time more annoying and Troy looks completely lost during the whole thing. After the song, for whatever reason, Troy pictures Sharpay wearing a wedding dress. Whatever, I give up trying to make sense of this mess.
A still from the upcoming Broadway show "I Got Baseball's!"
Where's Tom Hanks to yell out "THERE'S NO DANCING IN BASEBALL!"
They switched clothes, which means they-OH GOD!!! *barf*
Michael Jackson would sue Zac Efron here, but he's too turned on to do so.
Going from "My Super Sweet 16" to "Bridezilla's".
We know we're towards the end of Act 2 cause Troy has a shitload of problems and he's unable to perform well. I mean he can't shoot hoops, ya perv. And he probably has ED but that's information I'm sure only Gabby knows. Everyone is pissed at Troy for turning his backs on them, even acting all stuck up and treating them like they're waiters or something. Even though, you know, they ARE waiters, but whatever.

Sharpay finds out that Ryan is now a good guy and is helping the Wildcats (They're collectively called "The Wildcats", like they're this generations Sweathogs or something) with their talent show and tells Fulton to make a rule that no one on the staff is allowed to partake in the talent show. This sets everyone off and they all want to kill Troy, even though Gabby and Taylor saw with their own eyes that Sharpay is the one pulling the strings around here.

Gabby returns this meaningful necklace that Troy gave her earlier and says she quits and she's breaking up with Troy. And yes, they do this in song. This makes Troy realize that he's been acting like a selfish jerk. Cause how dare he think about his future and get money for college! He needs to worry about what his friends think of him and that's all that matters! Screw individuality, Disney says! If you think I'm being over-the-top here, I'm not. Troy really says this stuff when he redeems himself.

But first he gets a song all to himself about how he must do whatever it takes to get to the top. So...I guess he's gonna remain being a prick. Well, no. He contradicts himself and tells Sharpay to screw herself, he's not doing the show. He apologizes to Chad and everyone for not being able to do the show, and to Ryan who worked hard on the show and have it cancelled. Ryan talks Troy into doing the show with Sharpay and he agrees.
Choreography by Zac Efron.
Oh My God, he's turning into Tom Cruise!
Breathe, Jason. Breathe. Remember what my doctor said about blood pressure. Breathe.

Ok. He-

WHAT THE FUCK??? HE JUST SAID HE WOULDN'T DO THE SHOW AND NOW HE'S GONNA SUDDENLY DO THE SHOW???? ARRRGGHHH!!

Ahh...better.

Turns out that Ryan had some plan to bring Troy and Gabby back together by having THEM duet, then suddenly everyone joins in on stage. Holy shit! I just realized something!! This movie is a crappy high school version of "Dirty Dancing"! And this part is "I've Had The Time of Your Life!" It makes sense!!

Ok, anyway, they sing and of course win the talent show, but they give it to Ryan, who convinced his sister off camera to not be a bitch anymore and she's like "OK!" and everyone's friends (again) and happy! ANNNND of course there's one finally happy song at the end. I'm not gonna describe it. But I will say this. As I often do, I check out the Trivia section of IMDb of each movie I watch and according to the trivia, Miley "Hannah Montana" Cyrus makes a cameo appearance during this scene. I contemplated putting the DVD on one more time to try to find her. Then I realized that meant having to hear this damn song again so I said "fuck that". If you feel the need to watch this movie, she's in a yellow dress. Have fun.

Oh and also according to IMDb, a scene was filmed in Gabby's bedroom but it was cut. You know, some jokes just write themselves.
I wish this lady was the star of this movie. It'd be 10 million times more enjoyable.
"Whoa, hold on there. Can't you read? No running, jumping, or badly choreographed dancing."