House of Wax
The most fucked up, but boring, movie ever!
Carly-Played by Elisha Cuthbert. Hot chick, naturally. Seems to put up with a lot of shit between her brother and her boyfriend, oh and the two crazy ass brothers who want to kill her.
Wade-Carly's boyfriend. Seems to have a problem with New York City.
Paige-Played by Paris Hilton. Umm...basically just Paris Hilton "pretending" to be your run of the mill blonde chick. Her getting killed is the main reason this movie was made.
Blake-Paige's frustrated boyfriend. If I was dating someone who was a known slut and she wouldn't put out, I'd be frustrated too.
Nick-Carly's brother who just got out of prison. Seems to hate everyone, but he redeems himself at the end.
Dalton-Annoying asshole, which every horror movie needs. Likes to film things.
Bo & Vincent-Two crazy brothers who's mother like to sculpture things out of wax. It's hard to tell which one of them is the "sane" one.
I've never seen the original 1953 movie "House of Wax" starring Vincent Price. I heard of it and I know that Charles Bronson is in there somewhere. Then I heard this remake was coming out and I, along with most of America, went "Damn! Another remake!!" AND it features Paris Hilton. So, because it's a remake and it's a non-porno movie starring Paris Hilton, I have to review it for this site.

We get a small prolouge of some family in the 70's getting ready to eat breakfast. One kid is in his high chair all still and quiet. But the other? He's a holy terror, let me tell you. Oh gosh, he must be getting to that age, ya know? He's so bad they have to strap the poor lad into the chair to feed him. You might think this is extreme but Dr. Phil recommends this.

Then it turns into your typical teenage (wait, are they suppose to be teenagers?) horror movie. A group of people (all the guys are assholes and all the girls want to have sex with them) are out on a road trip (reference: Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House of 1,000 Corpses, you get the idea). The purpose of the trip: to see some "big football game". So not only are the guys assholes, they're jocks.
Bo gets done with the funeral, finds Wade and Carly inside his shop, and Wade tells him he can't find the right sized fanbelt. Bo says he's got some inside his house and he'll take them there to get it. On the way, he tells us the backstory of the house of wax. I'll sum it up for you quickly.

Lady likes to make things out of wax. She had kids. She went crazy. Dad kill himself. Two kids went into foster homes. This turns out to be a lie. And we kind of figure that out for ourselves. And this review is taking it's time getting to the killings, so I'll get there right now.

Wade goes into the house to take a piss and while breaking into Bo's office (man this dude has a problem), a figure stabs him in the tendon. If you don't know what a tendon it, look it up. Then when you figure it out, you'll cringe like I did. Carly realizes the truck she's in is the same truck as the night before and freaks out. She tries to call Paige to get help but Blake is trying to get it on with her, so that doesn't do any good.

Vincent grabs Wade and drags him into the basement, where all the wax figures are made. We learn here that all the wax models in the house of wax are really just made up of dead bodies, which is weird cause if they were turned into wax while alive, how did they die? Just from boredom? Suffocation? This wasn't explained.

Yeah, yeah Paris Hilton eventually gets killed in the movie. Just hang on.
So this movie would've been cool if the first 55 minutes went by faster. We didn't need all these stories about Paige possibly being pregnant, or Wade not wanting to move to New York City, or that Nick took the fall for Dalton when he stole a car, or that Blake is a horny jock. Just show them driving, go "hey house of wax" and have Paris Hilton die. I mean, that was the point of this movie being made, right? To show Paris dying? Right?
Right?
Read The Reviews!
Ahh...memories.
If THIS is the best supporting actress you can get, you might wanna rethink your movie.
Well, Nick isn't a jock. He's just Carly's twin brother who's kind of a bully, but yet you feel for him. Kind of confusing. There are possibly tons of references to Paris Hilton being the most richiest porn star, including a scene where Dolton is filming her "going down" on her boyfriend. She says she was getting "lip gloss" but I saw the movie and unless you use THAT to gloss your lips...

Anyway, you know the routine: they have to take a detour, camp out in a spooky forest, get drunk and screw, all the cliches that make a good modern day horror movie. While teasing Dolton, a truck pulls up out of nowhere. The truck just sits there, minding it's own business when Nick throws a bottle at it, busting a headlight. The truck, obviously scared, leaves. The orgy assumes.
In case you were wondering how she got the part to begin with.
Ohh...so she really didn't die in a car bomb, she just moved away and opened a house of wax.
(Monk Reference)
Paris shows off her new line of clothing for people who bought her "other" movie.
Oh no! It's Christine! Or Duel! Or Killdozer! Or The Hitcher!
The next day, they go to leave for the "big football game" when Wade notices that his car's fan belt is cut. While Wade is crying about it, Carly and Paige go find out what that awful smell is. See, there's this smell they've been putting up with all night and Carly decides to find out what it is. She ends up falling down a hill (seriously) and landing into the smell: a pit of dead animals.

While saving Carly, a redneck comes along to add more animals to the pit. When Wade and the other asshole guys come to FINALLY save Carly, Wade asks the redneck he can take him and Carly to the nearest town to get a fanbelt. The redneck, in a creepy manner, says sure. The others head on out to the ever important "big game".
There's no reason why I put this image here. I just...like it. (Ahem.)
What you'd find if you went through John Madden's garbage.
Wade and Carly have a creepy conversation with the redneck, who makes references to how hot Carly is (Preach on, brother) and how big his knife is. Apparently he's seen "Crocodile Dundee" once too many times. Having enough of the conversation, Wade and Carly decide to walk the rest of the way. The rest of the way, I should point out, is like 10-15 feet. Whatever.

To quickly recap what the others are doing:  there was too much traffic, so they decide to turn around and go park back at the campsite they were at last night. Nick and Dalton take Blake's truck to go look for Carly and Wade. There. Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Carly and Wade walk around this small ass town and they go to the gas station to get a fan belt. No one's inside, so they go to the church, where Bo is at, what looks like a funeral. They step outside, Bo yells at them, they apologize, etc...

The movie has reached the 50 minute mark and no killings. What the hell, yo?

Bo says after the funeral he'll help with their fan belt problem. Meanwhile Wade breaks into the House of Wax (YAY!! WE HAVE A TITLE!!) and they wander around. It's wax sculpture's of people doing ordinary things, like singing, praying, eating breakfast, dancing, and reading. They're like, um ok, and Carly sees a guy who looks like Buckethead and, naturally, freaks out. Normally, they'd say fuck the fanbelt and get out of there, but then the movie would be over and we wouldn't get to see Paris Hilton killed.

Oh, yeah, that's coming up, in like the next 50 minutes. This movie kind of takes it's time.
Glad to see Joaquin Phoneix's body double from "Walk The Line" getting some work.
I guess this counts as a Boobie Shot. I need to refer to the judges.
Did people really do this kind of stuff back then?
What is this, "The Cell" all of a sudden?
Wait, now it turned into "Saw".
Damn. Maybe it is "Saw".
Bo comes out and Carly realizing he's gonna do something not so nice to her, tries to drive away, but she fails miserably. Now, he's right outside the truck, she should just use the door and run, right? Nope. She crawls through the tiny ass back window, walks, slowly I might add, through the flatbed part, that as junk on it, and somehow manages to escape.

There's a small scene in the church where Carly finds out the wax figures are made of people. PEOPLE!! And kind of a disturbing scene where Carly hids underneath the priest's robe. Eventually Carly escapes the church and runs back outside.

Well, that's shortlived. He catches her and takes her to the shop, where he superglues his mouth shut. Seriously, superglues it. Then Nick shows up, looking for Carly and Wade. Bo says he hasn't seen her, but she breaks free and tries to signal for help by poking a finger from a sewer grate. Bad idea. Bo cuts it off. Ow. But yay, finally, something happened.
Ironically, all these people were athiest.
I see someone saw "Strangeland".
Carly manages to undo the superglue and yells out for Nick. He kicks some ass, sort of, and manages to lock Bo out of the shop. Nick frees Carly and they try to figure out what the hell they're gonna do next.

After Wade is cooled off, he is put in the house of wax where Dalton finds him. He tries to help but he ends up destroying half of Wade's face. Then Vincent comes after Dalton and chops his head off. Cool...

While Carly and Nick is running around the town finding wax people all over the place, Vincent returns to the campsite where, yep, Blake and Paige are trying to have sex. But Blake is bothered by lack of music so he goes out to check it out when Vincent attacks, killing Blake. Paige runs out and she ends up inside some factory.

Let's savor this moment shall we? She runs around, hides in a car, Vincent finds her and the chase ensues. She's going to make a run for it when...yes...
Vincent throws a piece of metal like a dart and it goes THROUGH HER FREAKIN' HEAD!!!! AND SHE SLIDES DOWN THE POLE!!! NICE!!!!!!
You know you wanna watch it.
"Zoinks! Scoob! Someone's tryin' to give me a wet willy!"
That's hot.
Now that the minor characters are dead, we focus on Nick and Carly trying to escape. Nick finds a bow and arrow set and he shoots Bo with it (hey, he shoots Bo with a bow) and we think he's dead. But us horror movie fans know better.

Nick and Carly head to Bo's house to look for Wade and possible Dalton when they find out that Bo and Vincent are brothers, who were siamese twins, and later seperated by their father. Bo came out normal looking, but Vincent's face, the right side, isn't quite right. As a result, he looks like Buckethead.

After finding all this out, Bo comes home and removes all the bows from him. Meanwhile Nick found a way to esacpe and they do so, but they stupidly mess with all the lights, alerting Bo and Vincent that they're near the light switches. Nick and Carly stumble upon Vincent's workshop where Dalton is. Nick freaks out and decide to trash the place, which starts a fire.
Mystery Annoying Theater 3000.
Buckethead never go over being ditched by Axel Rose.
Now fire plus wax equals a big ass mess, especially when their entire surroundings (the house was actually made of wax, so the title is being very literal) was. So everything starts melting. Carly bashes Bo's head in (WOO!) which sets Vincent into a rage and he chases after Carly. Cause she's a woman in a horror movie, she moves upstairs. I guess it's just instict or something. I sure hope if my fiance is ever attacked in her house, she doesn't head upstairs. Unless there's a shotgun up there. And maybe even then she should think about it.

Anyway, the entire floor is melting and there's some symbolism stuff thrown in about Bo and Vincent being seperated or whatever. Before Vincent can attack he falls through the melting floor and dies in the fire. So now Carly and Nick have to get out.

They remember the wall is made of wax (duh it's burning right in front of you) so they start digging through, which looks like it's gonna take forever and ever. But thankfully this is a movie and they are the hot and pretty leads in the movie, so everything works out for them. They crawl through the "house of wax" sign. Thanks for the reminder. I almost thought I was watching "Remains of the Day" or something.
"A house made of carmel. What was I thinking??"
Ohhh...artsy.
I don't need you to remind me what I've been watching for the past two hours.
Typically, there's a twist ending. What's it gonna be? Is the sherriff gonna be the father of the twins? Did the whole movie take place as a daydream while someone was being turned into wax? Well, no. While Nick and Carly are carted off to the hospital, we find out that there was a THIRD BROTHER!!! Can you guess who? Hint: remember the redneck...

Now, I don't know what that means. He seems to be nice, a little creepy, but nice. He's probably glad the whole thing is gone, honestly. Maybe he'll move to the woods and get a flesh eating virus and meet a kid named Dennis who likes pancakes...

Ack! "Cabin Fever" flashbacks!! Let's end this.