Hard Rock Zombies

Hard Rock Zombies
The Best Zombie Movie Ever!
(Well, maybe second or third.)

Jesse-The leader of a rock band whom I'm assuming is called Hard Rock Zombies. He and his bandmates make the mistake of coming to a town full of assholes who hate rock music and shacking up with "Germans". Falls for "A little girl".
Tommy, Robby, & Chuck-The other members of the band. They don't figure too much into the plot.
Cassie-The "little girl" in question. I dunno how old she's suppose to be but she looks like she's at best 17.
Ron-The band's manager. He's pretty useless until the last half of the movie.
Hitchhiking Girl-Isn't given a name. She kills people for the "Germans", and lured the band to the house.
Bald Guy-Some bald guy that hangs around the "Germans".
Old German Dude and Lady-I don't wanna ruin who they really are quite yet, but they live in the house, try to kill as many people as they can, and like to have sex while some midgets watch them.
A Photographer & Some Midgets-They kinda just hang around the house. The photographer takes pictures of all the people in the house killing people. The midgets are the old people's grandson's.

Oh man. Every once in a great while I come across what is possibly the worst movie I've ever seen, yet I just love it so much. "Hard Rock Zombies" isn't a great movie by any means. It's terrible and probably cost about 50 bucks to make. But dammit, I love it. And when you get done reading this, you too should love it as well.

Two weird looking guys are driving down a road when they spot a pretty hot chick hitchhiking. They stop and pick her up. Somewhere along the line, they stop to go skinny dipping. While in the water, some tall dude with a camera is hanging out with two midgets, who are chasing each other around the tall dude. Once the hitchhiker chick takes her clothes off, they pay attention and tall dude takes photos like crazy.

Hitchhiker chick gets one of the dudes alone and drowns him. We know he dies because red stuff comes floating up to the surface. I would nitpick that drowning doesn't cause any blood to surface, but I'm pretty sure smart people weren't involved with this movie. It isn't too long before hitchhiker chick goes to the other dude and drowns him as well. Tall dude is taking pictures like crazy still. Before the jump cut to the next scene, the tall dude is cutting one of the dude's hands off, and hitchhiker chick goes "I want to hold your hand."

We're in for a wild ride, my peeps.

David Lynch takes his crew out for a walk.

Thing had a hard time finding work after "The Addam's Family". He was forced to do pornos for a few years.

Then, this band who isn't given a named (except in the ending credits, they're titled "Hard Rock Zombies". I have a hard time believe that's the name, but we'll go with it) are playing at a club and we are lucky enough to hear the entire song. There are four guys at the bar and they mumble something to each other but we can't hear because the horrible music is drowning them out.

Once the show is over, they go backstage where immediately they're in their underwear. GAH! Anyway, they argue with Ron about wanting to be around chicks. I didn't quite get this unless this whole scene sets up the fact they're gay. But if that were the case, this movie would end now cause the whole story of this movie involves them picking up a hot chick.

But I'm getting a "head". And that joke was a big ahead too.

Jesse, the lead singer, leaves the orgy going on in his dressing room and finds who he calls "a little girl", although she looks like a super skinny 18-21 year old girl from The Valley. The "little girl" warns Jesse not to go to town tomorrow. Then she runs off into the night.

Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for Jesse & The Mullets!!!

Directed by The Village People.

Starring Jennifer Grey's younger sister Tiffany.

The next day while traveling to the other city (another thing I could nitpick is the "little girl" is suppose to be from this other city, so it must be easily within walking distance unless she got a ride, but they act like they're traveling a great distance), Jesse expositions that he read in a book some Latin song that can raise the dead. He stupidly puts this in an actual song, which will come in handy later on. (The title has "zombies" in it, so it shouldn't be that hard to figure out.)

They spot the hitchhiker chick and pick her up. Instead of killing them right away, she takes them to her house. Here, the movie starts to pick up a bit by giving us weird ass shots of someone in a werewolf outfit sitting in a wheelchair. We (kinda) get an explanation who this is, but I'll tell you now the werewolf part is very WTF.

MONSTER IN A WHEELCHAIR!

After the band unloads their stuff, we get part 1 of a 200 part series of montages that appear in this movie. The band runs around town doing very wild, rock n roll stuff like drinking beer from the can, skateboarding, and even acting like a mime (seriously). Intercut of these acts that would shame Keith Moon are the townspeople looking on disapprovingly. Oh and it's the same four townspeople too. And it's the same four shots of the townspeople.

While getting their picture taken in one of those wooden things that have a body painted on it and you put your head through it, Jesse spots "the little girl" and chases after her. She's all like "Why did you come?" and Jesse is like "I want you, even though we established you're a 'little girl'", then the "little girl's" drunken father appears and yells at her to go home. Then he threatens Jesse and the band and the father stumbles home.

Soon "the sheriff" (I put that in quotes cause he really looks like a security guard who just got off his shift at the local mall) comes in and arrests the band and Ron for trying to rock too hard. the "little girl" comes along and sneaks 38 dollars to the band. I guess bail in this town is only 40 bucks or something.

But it's not needed cause hitchhiker girl comes along and bails them out. The "sheriff" tells them the show is still cancelled and runs off to his mommy. Jesse finds the "little girl" sitting in an abandoned car and Jesse gives her back her money and some ring with a skull on it. Then he tells her he's writing a song about her and wants to know her name. It's about 40 minutes into the movie and I was dying to know myself. We find out it's Cassie.

Then comes a pretty weird ass scene. I'm just gonna quickly tell you then move on because, well, it's frankly disturbing. And especially later when...oh, I'll get to that in a minute.

We cut to the old lady and this old guy who live in the house the band is staying in, having sex. And it gets pretty hardcore for like a minute there. The guy stops and the lady is like all impressed he can still get it going after "all these years". If that wasn't bad enough, they go to do it again when the two midgets come in. They ask to watch and call the old guy "grandfather". After thinking about it, he lets them. Thankfully, the scene ends there.

Eww, even Paris Hilton's grandparents made a sex tape.

Sometime later, the band is at the house and they got their equipment set up to perform. Everyone from the house, including the tall photographer, the two midgets, the bald dude, the old lady and old man, and hitchhiker chick (how come none of these people have names?) and the band starts playing "Cassie's Song". This is the first time we hear it and it certainly won't be the last.

During the song, the old man reaches over and puts a plug into an outlet, and this causes the band to shakes and shimmy because the director told them they were being electrocuted. There is no other signs of this besides smoking coming from behind, so just take the director's word for it, they're somehow being electrocuted. They survive this and the house residents play it off as "OH! Umm...we have...old electricity. Yeah."

Stanley Tucci enjoys the show.

Night Rangers Reunion Show didn't go so well.

Then it's time for a city council meeting! Those are surely exciting! WOW! Anyway, the whole point of it was to ban rock and roll from their city and that was all they had to say but no, they spend about 25 minutes making this point and having some stuttering guy say not much of anything. Out of everything in this movie, this scene was the most annoying.

So now rock and roll is outlawed in this town and the "sheriff" demands that everyone goes to their homes, pull out their rock and roll stuff, and bring it back to be destroyed. While doing so, Jesse is in his room playing the guitar and playing the Bringing The Dead Back To Life song and testing this on a giant spider he finds. And intercut with THAT scene is a blonde chick in the desert dancing. I have no idea what that's about.

This extra from a ZZ Top video has been lost in this desert for almost 20 years now.

The hitchhiker chick gets in the shower and one of the band members (I wanna say Chuck) joins her. Then they rip off "Psycho" when she stabs him repeatedly in the shower. Jeez, about time. If you wanted to kill the band members, you should've just done this to begin with.

The other two guys is with the old lady in her wheelchair when she turns into a werewolf and kills one dude. She chases the other guy but he falls out a window and dies. It's a little unnerving that I just typed "old lady in her wheelchair when she turns into a werewolf" and not give it a second thought. Maybe I been doing this for too long.

So Jesse is left and he finds his bandmates murdered so he freaks out and runs into Cassie who's there for some reason. He tells her to run and hands her a tape. He says to play the tape if he gets killed and he runs off. Jesse runs into Baldy who chases him with a weedwacker. Baldy eventually corners Jesse and wacks him like a weed. This is probably one of the best scenes in the movie.

During this, the townspeople bought their rock records and are doing the stereotypical smashing and destroying of rock records. It's easier to watch this scene if you pretend they're smashing Hall & Oates records. And Bon Jovi as well.

"Dammit, Melvin, Shaina Twain isn't rock! That was my only copy too..."

The Texas Weedwacker Massacre.

So now it's the next day or so and the band is buried and Ron is in mourning at the house. The "family" is there, along with the "sheriff" for some strange reason. Then we get what is quite possibly the biggest shock of this movie.

The entire movie the old guy was talking German and we figure he's just some old crazy German guy. Well, turns out it's not just SOME old crazy German guy. It's THE old crazy German guy. Yes, this old guys really Adolph Hitler is disguise!! AHH!! We had a Hitler sex scene!!! Man, those are words I never thought I'd type. So Hitler gets rid of his disguise and decides to reveal himself to the nation and take over the world again. He asks Ron if he'll join him.

Not only is he the hairclub president, Hitler's a client.

Hitler shows Ron his basement, which is going to be the newest concentration camp. Ron is disturbed and tries to run away but Baldy grabs him and ties him up and is going to chop him to bits. Hitler is getting ready to reveal himself to the world and kill everyone, not just the Jews, this time around, the world is in danger!! Who's gonna stop them?!

Well, Cassie goes to the band's grave and plays the tape Jesse gave her. It's the Bringing The Dead Back to Life Song. As a result of this, the band punch out of their graves and move like they're robots or something. They save Ron by killing Baldy. Then they eventually kill the old lady who turns out to be Eva Braun...who's a werewolf for some reason. And the midgets. All that's left is Hitler.

I want this to sink in, ok? Four rock guys who are now zombies are now attacking a 60 some year old Hitler. In California. And they kill him by forming a circle by him and going around him. It's the death filled version of "Ring Around The Rosy".

Apparently death gives you GI Joe arms.

Rising Dead 2: World War II

Ron runs back to town and warn the townspeople about the zombies and Hitler and they all immediately believe him. Then there's some old dude who says it's true and he tries to explain it but the guy playing him gave him too much of an old man's voice that it's hard to pick up what he's saying. So when he finishes saying whatever it is, he dies.

Now the fun really starts. The band goes to the place they're suppose to have their concert. Meanwhile, the townspeople run over to Hitler's place and find all the dead bodies. But soon, the dead bodies become zombies and attack the townspeople. And of course, now the townspeople become zombies.

I know smoking kills, but didn't think it was from a zombie attack.

The band start playing and of course they start with "Cassie's Song". They're playing for Don, some big time record producer, who is suppose to be unlikeable, so the actor goes out of his way to make it happen. Cassie is there too, just hiding behind a seat. During "Cassie's Song" there's this weird montage (number 90 at this point) of Jesse and Cassie running to each other and him lifting her up and other cheesy things that made the 80's so great.

The rest of the movie is pretty much the few remaining townspeople fighting the zombies. There are a few great scenes from this as well. Like the couple who's out on a picnic and the dude gets attacked by one of the midgets. His head goes rolling off towards the chick and she picks the head up and asks it "Oh, Arnie! Are you alright?"

Chico & The Girl

Talk about gettin' a little head. HAHAHAHAHA!!!

"Oh no! Not the Farrah Fawcett poster too!!"

And let's not forget the scene were the towns librarian comes up with the idea to put the survivors behind giant cut out pictures of dead famous people's heads because he read in a book that "zombies are afraid of heads". This plan is about as goofy as it sounds.

So there's about a handful of townspeople left and they decide that a virgin sacrifice will do because there's nothing else left to do. At the concert, the zombies attack Don, turning him into a zombie. Cassie gets chased by hitchhiker girl, who occasionally dances on stage like a Fly Girl, so Cassie runs away and goes to where the townspeople are, which was a bad idea because they're searching for a virgin.

The band pack up and go back to their grave, where Ron finds them. He pleads with Jesse to come back to save Cassie. After five minutes of this, they come back and go after the townspeople and Cassie. They've taken her to this part on a hill and pretty much crucify her. The zombies find her and they come calling to the sound of fresh virgin meat.

The Passion of The Cassie.

But wait! The band plugged their instruments in and are now playing the Bringing the Dead Back to Life song. The zombies follow them into Hitler's basement camp. Soon, Ron turns on whatever and the zombies get gassed. Even though the band is in the same room, they remain unaffected. I guess they have hero's lung or something.

So the band is buried again, Cassie is telling Jesse that she'll visit his grave "forever", and he pops his hand up to give her back the skull ring. The movie ends and you'll never guess what song they used for the ending credits. "Private Eyes". No, not really. "Cassie's Song". Yeah, if I was Cassie, I'd be sick of this song by now.

After doing some investigating, I found out that the one midget in this movie was in pretty much any movie or TV show that needed a midget. He was in "Quantum Leap" has a ringmaster for a circus. He was in another movie that's gonna show up here sooner or later called "The Creeps". And he was apparently the Troll in "Troll". What this has to do with the rest of the movie? Nothing. I just don't have much more to say about this movie. Except that despite it's flaws and repetitiveness, this is an awesomely bad movie and I love it. Now, look at this picture of the midget with Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen.