| Jason X "Evil Gets An Upgrade"... So Does Crappy Movies |
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| Rowan-Doctor chick who is in charge of freezing Jason. Gets the strangest wake up call ever in human history. Future Space Teens-They all have stupid names like Janessa, Stoney, Azrael and Kinsa. Sorry for the lack of description, but frankly they're teenagers in a slasher movie. They're gonna get killed and they all blend in anyway. Kay-Em 14-Robot chick created by a horny guy. Can be programmed to stop a serial killer from the past. Tsunaron-The horny guy that created Kay-Em 14. Professor Lowe-Guy in charge of the Future Space Teens. He...(shudders) Read below. Army Guys With Stupider Names-Like Splotch, Tank, Fuel, and some dude who looks like Stone Cold Steve Austin. Sgt. Brodski-Leader of the Army Guys. A Dead Head Guy-A stoner who also happens to be a computer geek AND a botanist. Jason Voorhees-Infamous serial killer who's been to Manhattan and hell. Which I guess could be the same thing. |
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| I can't even begin to describe how much I hate this movie. And what makes matters worse is the entire movie just made me think of "Leprechaun 4: In Space". So you can understand why I was hoping for a quick death but I wasn't so lucky. Apparently, Jason Voorhees came back from hell and is chained up at the Crystal Lake Research Facility, where he's going to be cryogenically frozen for reason we're not told. There's a doctor chick named Rowan who's in charge of the whole thing, but there's a problem, of course. The problem is this other doctor dude named Dr. Wormer wants to keep Jason alive. Well, for reasons we're not told, Jason gets free from the chains and kills a bunch of army dudes. Then he chases Rowan. They end up in the basement where the cryogenic chambers are and Rowan manages to push Jason into one and lock him him. But he busts open the chamber and the door to the room shuts and locks itself, freezing Rowan as well. Four hundred and fifty-five (455) years later, a team of future teenagers on some trip to get artifacts stumble upon frozen Jason and frozen Rowan. Not knowing any better, they bring them back to their spaceship. They thaw out Rowan and she explains everything. Meanwhile, this really hot chick examines Jason when, of course, he comes to life and kills her, before we learn what her name is. I hate when movies do that. |
| You can pretty much figure out what happens the rest of the movie. The teenagers are horny and wanna do each other, Jason comes and kills them, everybody has weird ass names like Janessa, Stoney, Azrael, Kinsa, there's a robot named Kay-Em 14, created by a horny dude named Tsunaron, and there's army people with names like Splotch, Tank, Fuel, and there's some dude who looks like Stone Cold Steve Austin, and they're led by Sgt. Brodski. Oh and there's a dead head too, who also happens to be a computer geek AND a botanist. So we see Jason kill all the army guys and most of the teenagers one by one. The guy in charge of the teenagers is Professor Lowe, who has sex with his female students, wears womens lingerie, and likes nipple clamps. No, I'm not going anymore into that. But he gets killed by Jason, so it doesn't matter. The remaining people, including Rowan, decide to leave the ship, named The Grendel, and get back to "Earth 2". Oh, we're suppose to forget there was a short-lived Sci-Fi TV show in the 90's called "Earth 2", so don't let that get in your way. They try to use a shuttle but Kinsa freaks out a little bit too much and manages to blow it up, along with herself. Meanwhile, Tsunaron, or T-Ron because his regular name is too long to spell out, rebuilds Kay-Em after we assume he has sex with her, to kill Jason, which she does. Yay!! This movie can end because some OTHER army dudes picked up their distress signal and is coming to pick them up. But NOOOOOOO!!!!! Jason "just happened" to die on some futuristic machine, which "just happened" to turn on, and it "just happens" to rebuild him, making him like 9 feet tall and made of metal. ARRRRGH!!!!!!!!! I'll be fine... |
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| Needless to say, I hated this movie. And I never wanted to be reminded of "Leprechaun 4" ever again. At least there wasn't a weird doctor dude who turns into a spider. Maybe if I took some LSD... |
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| Ok, well igorning the headache I got from hitting my head on the wall after the "rebuilding scene", I find the survivors trying to blow up a part of the ship cause that part has a leak in it and they'll all die, or something. I left to get some Advil. When I came back, T-Ron and his robot girlfriend Kay-Em decide to trick Jason by putting him in virtual reality, 1980, where two female campers go up to him and say (This is actual dialogue now), "You wanna get drunk? Or smoke some pot? Or have pre-marital sex?!? WE LOVE PRE-MARITAL SEX!!" Jason's response to this is to smash them into a virtual reality tree. The other army dudes arrive but some door wouldn't open, so Sgt. Brodski puts on a space suit to rewire it. Wait! What in the FUCK?!?! Why can't they ALL put on space suits and go to the fucking ship that's there to save them?!?!?! FUCK THE DOOR!!!!! Ahh..my head. Anyway, it gets rewired, Rowan, T-Ron and the robot get into the resuce ship and Jason is about to attack them when Brodski comes out of nowhere, they go flying off into space, and crash into "Earth 2", landing in a lake...near a campground...where two horny teenagers are. If this wasn't a rental, I'd smash this movie into pieces. Hell, paying the fee for destroying it would be worth it. |
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