| Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter Well, Who Else You Gonna Get? |
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| Jesus Christ-You know him, unless you're an athiest. Son of God, preaches the good word, kicks vampire ass. You know. Jesus. Mary Magnum-Freelance...something or another. Whatever, I think she's freakin' hot! Too bad she turns out to be a lesbian. It never fails, any girl I think is attractive, she's a lesbian. Maxine Shreck-Lead female vampire chick. Likes to chomp on lesbians and priests. Dr. Praetorious-This guy makes Hannibal Lector look like Mr. Rogers. Helps the vampires out. I'll explain below. Johnny Golotha-Maxine's assistant in the vampire field. Father Alban-I wish all priests were like this. There's a BBC show called "The Young Ones". This guy would fit perfectly on that show. Even has the huge spikey mohawk. We need more priests like this. Father Eustace-This guy looks like Bencio Del Toro. Turns out to be a vampire. Santos-If you know anything about the history of B-movies, you know who this guy is. Famous Mexican wrestler who use to do a bunch of movies back in the day. Ressurected (Sorry) to help Jesus kick vampire ass. Gloria Oddbottom-Santos' assistant. You guessed it, she had a weird looking ass. Blind Jimmy Leper-Singer at a club. I mentioned him here cause I like that name. Assorted vampires and lesbians-Umm...some are vampires, some are lesbians, some are both. Santos falls in love with one (Lesbian vampire that is.) Narrator-Scary looking guy who pops up at certain points in the movie to yell at us about repenting our sins and reading passages from the bible. So basically your typical church-goer. |
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| Ok, in order to get through this movie, hell even this review, you cannot in any way take it seriously. The title should tip you off that this is going to be an interesting romp. And an interesting romp it is.
We see Maxine killing some nurse chick and stealing her car. It's through this action that we see she isn't able to die in the sunlight and we're left wondering if this is a flaw in the film. Nope, it's just explained later on. Father Eustace asks Father Alban for help because all the lesbian church goers are turning up missing. Alban and some nerdy priest hunt down Jesus Christ, who is chillin' at a beach. At this point Maxine and two lesbian vampires attack, killing Alban and the nerdy priest. Jesus manages to beat them away and he decides he really should do something about this. After a shave, a haircut, and a musical number (seriously), he shacks up with Eustace. There, Mary Magnum is waiting for Jesus to offer her assistance in kicking vampire butt. But she decides he needs some new clothes, so off they go. At the store, they hear Maxine asking the clothing clerk where Johnny Golgotha is. Jesus and Mary follow her to Dr. Praetorious and it's here we find out what's going on. He's been taking the skin from the lesbians and applying them to the vampires so they'll survive in sunlight. Why or how this works is a mystery but it's up to Jesus and Mary to stop them from killing all the lesbians! Well, actually, Mary get bit by Maxine and Johnny kicks Jesus' ass. While recovering, God tells Jesus that he's sending Santos, the famous wrestler, to help him. Santos and Gloria arrive via personal plane and they go vampire huntin'. While stopping at a club so Jesus could perform some songs off his new album, he finds out, through the club's giant mirror, that everyone but Gloria and Santos are vampires! So Jesus, Santos, and Gloria throw anything that's made of wood at the vampires, even toothpicks, killing them. Maxine ends up knocking out Santos and kidnapping him and Gloria. When she and Johnny come for Jesus, he realizes he has no choice but to go with them or else they'll kill Santos. And for some reason they go to a junkyard (Yeah, cause you know...vampires hang out in junkyards...) and the big brawl breaks out. One of my favorite scenes happens here. While Jesus is fighting at the junkyard, he also appears at the good doctor's place. When the doctor asks how he can be there AND the junkyard, Jesus goes, "I'm everywhere". Classic. So Jesus and the doctor square off, with the doctor using body organs to fight Jesus. Jesus manages to kick butt, but he brings him back to life cause he's a lover, not a killer. But the doctor is really, really evil and doesn't care that he got a second chance at life. So Jesus said "Hell with it" and kills him. At the junkyard, when Jesus is stabbed with a wooden stake, a giant ass light comes out of him, frying all the vampires around, including Eustace, who reveals he's a vampire because they have the easy life compared to being a priest. Santos asks Jesus to turn one lesbian vampire into a regular girl cause he's in love with her, and he does. Oh and she isn't a lesbian, she's bi, much to the delight of Santos. Mary returns to normal and asks Jesus to turn Maxine to normal, and he does and it was good. So now Maxine and Mary can be a lesbian couple. This kinda upset me but whatever. Later, Jesus is giving another sermon on the mount (except this time around he's interrupted by a cell phone), and he tells everyone, basically, to shut the hell up and don't do as he does, but as he says. Then, I'm assuming everyone had sex. Maybe even Jesus. Why do I say that? When Santos and his new girlfriend fly off, Gloria stays behind (no pun intended) with Jesus, and he's groping her junk in the trunk. Seriously. Well, at least we know he's clean. Immaculate, if you will. |
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| I really like this movie for what it is. There is just so much goofiness that you can't help but like it. And really it makes sense. Who else would be good at fighting vampires? They should make a Jesus Christ/Buffy crossover movie. That'd be awesome. Now, go get laid. |
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