| Killer Klowns from Outer Space The Seventh Mass Invasion is Out of This World!! (Ow Don't Hit) |
 |
 |
| Mike-According to the credits, his last name is Tobacco but I don't recall this being said. Anyway, he's the "hero" of this movie, but all he does is run and get beat up by the real hero. Debbie-Mike's girlfriend. Using Mike as a rebound. Dave-Debbie's ex-boyfriend who's a cop. He's the real hero of this movie. Officer Mooney-Asshole cop who hates everyone in town. And doesn't believe in clowns. Killer Klowns-They're aliens who arrived in their circus tent space ship. They have weapons like a cotton candy gun and they kill people using interesting and/or stupid gags. |
|
 |
| Welcome to the seventh Mass Invasion! By now you SHOULD have some idea on what this entails so I won't bother explaining it again.
What I WILL explain is why I chose this movie. I felt it was time for some cheesy B-Goodness for everyone. After taking on two Hollywood bombs, a horrible Christmas film, possibly the worst sequel ever, and a classic blaxpoitation film, I felt the time was here. So if you were to ask me "What's a good cheesy weird B-Movie, Jason?" I would have to answer "Killer Klowns from Outer Space"! I mean look. They spelled "clowns" with a K. How cheesy is that? And it's about weird claymation-lookin' clowns killing people with cotton candy. What's NOT to love? Apparently, I had a problem back in the day. I really disliked this movie. Mainly, I disliked the character Mooney. I wanted to punch that guy until my hand fell off. I sorta swore off the movie after my first viewing. Then I grew up, got a B-Movie website, and seen much, much, much, much, MUCH worse films. Then I decided "Eh, Klowns isn't THAT bad of a movie." So I sent the call and I guess everyone was busy watering their lawns or doing their hair or any number of excuses girls use to give me back in high school (too busy being lesbians perhaps?), and only three people responded with a "YES!" and one of them is a newcomer. The newcomer is a mysterious guy only known to me as Ghidorah. I do know he is our first International Mass Invader! Sweet, I'm branching out to other countries! Maybe I can get someone from Guam next time! All kidding aside, Ghidorah is a cool guy from France. He maintains this blog which I'm not even gonna attempt to type out. Just click the link and read on. Most of it is probably in French, but there's some English stuff too. The other two are Usual (or maybe Unusual, ZING!) Mass Invaders Maria and Sean. Oh and there's me. With all the introductions out of the way, to kick things off is a guy who is great and awesome and-oh ok it's me. |
|
 |
| Maria For 15 years this was the scariest movie I had ever seen and I almost didn't do this Mass Invasion because of it. But I was convinced that I would be fine and the clowns wouldn't come out of the TV and eat me. It was still pretty damn scary and I don't think I'd ever watch it again. |
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
| After our big top music inspired theme song kicks in and the credits start, we see Officer Mooney on patrol on the mean streets of Crescent Cove. He spots some dorky guy drinking a white can with the black words "BEER" written on the side. I never knew Aldi's sold beer.
After Mooney shakes his head in disapproval, he drives on, saying he's gonna check by the park for any troublemakers. And knowning Mooney, his idea of troublemakers probably include a couple celebrating their 75th anniversary by taking a nice stroll. We then go to the make out spot "Top Of The World" (Ma), and several teenagers and/or adults are making out. We're introduced to Mike and Debbie, our main characters. Instead of getting busy, they look at the stars. Debbie notices one bright star as it flies by over them. We're also introduced to Paul and Rich, they're only here to show they exist in this movie. They have an ice cream truck. That is all. Now some old timer is reading porn on his back porch with (or to) his dog Poo or Pooh. Your spelling may vary. Old Timer notices the flashing light as it lands near his house. Thinking he's gonna be a millionare (Much like Joe Dirt.) Old Timer heads over to where the light landed and he finds a circus tent. He investigates when a Killer Klown snags the dog. Old Timer gets pissed off, cause he now has no one to talk to (or read porn with/to) and tries to rip down the tent. But it's made of steel or something and he hurts himself. But no matter, a clown appears and covers him with electric cotton candy. Oh hey, my time is up. |
| Chapters 1 & 2 Written by Jason |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| Yeah he was a Royal Dano in my ass. |
| "I'm glad GOODWILL sells BEER and put them in PAPER BAG!" |
| This is either a screen grab from the movie or I took too many drugs in high school. |
| "It's either Dr. Suess or Dr. Who!" |
|
| Back at the police station Officer Handsome is doing some light reading when Officer Grouchy shoves two young hoodlums through the door. It seems that the two youngsters have been walking through the park with a bottle of wine. So basically they were on a date. Two young college guys in the park with wine on a "beautiful night." Maybe Officer Mooney doesn't get it. Or maybe he does and that's the real reason they got arrested, not because the were "boozing it up" in the park. Or maybe it's just a stupid clown movie.
Mike and Debbie finish their making out and go off in search of the "falling star." I don't know what Debbie sees in that Mike jerk anyway. He's incredibly unfunny. He's not charming or handsome. And he has a really ugly sweater that he wears throughout the movie. He probably has a lot of money. I mean he DID buy an inflatable raft for them to make out on. He pretends to be a Native American tracker guide person and says "many moons" to Debbie a lot. If I was Debbie I would have left this guy in the woods a long time ago. But she puts up with it. I have a feeling that Debbie may not be that bright. So they stumble across a red and yellow striped circus tent in the woods. "What's a circus tent doing way out here?" asks Mike. I don't know, but you should probably stay away from it. Debbie knows better than to get too close to freaky circus tents in the woods but it's obvious that Mike doesn't. "Hey it'll be great! C'mon!" Unfortunately curiosity gets the better of them and they head inside to check it out. The first sign for me that something is wrong is they didn't have to pay any money to get into the circus. It normally costs like $45 per person and that's the special discount tickets. Also there weren't any dirty hippies outside protesting. So something is up. Mike is a giant dork and I want to punch him. Too bad he's like the hero of the movie. He thinks nothing is wrong. He thinks it's "Circus Bizarro" with bulimic ladies and toothless elephants. All that is changed when they walk into a giant room with a blue glowing ball in it. "This is no funhouse!" declares Mike. "Is it a nuclear power plant? A missile silo?" Yes, Mike, because they let you just waltz into those sort of places. Mike and Debbie make their way into another room in the bizarro freaky circus spaceship. This room is filled with huge pink lightbulb shaped things hanging on the walls and popcorn poppers. Mike has determined that they are in a "cotton candy factory." Debbie isn't so sure. "I don't believe in UFOs," she explains, "but if they do exist then we're trapped in one right now!" So to prove to Debbie that it's just cotton candy Mike rips a piece off of one of the lights to reveal a bloody messed up face inside. Uh oh! They've been seen! Scary red haired clown number one grabs his popcorn gun and gives chase! He shoot the popcorn at them as the leap out the spaceship door. "Popcorn! Why popcorn?!" Debbie screams. "They're clowns, that's why!" |
| Chapters 3 & 4 Written by Maria |
| Ok, but how far is Crescent Fresh? (Sifl and Olly joke.) |
| Product Placement Galore! |
|
| After Debbie and Mike escape from the clown mothership, the clowns are in hot pursuit, firing popcorn at them, which I guess is their spawn,
which we will find out later. They make a balloon dog that acts as a
bloodhound to find them. I remember this part vividly as a child, and
wanted a balloon dog of my very own, until the horrible hellclowns
start cocooning everyone and drinking their juices.
Mike and Debbie are chased through the woods and to their car, covered in the clown's seed. Maybe the clown with the popcorn gun was a kernel? They hit the two clowns and pop the adorable balloon dog and drive off. They decide to tell the police what they saw, and warn people of the clowns, but they are already too late, since the clowns have begun to advance on the city. Debbie and Mike make it to the police station and tell Officer Dave that the two people are dead and wrapped up in cotton candy. You see, Debbie is Dave's ex-girlfriend, and when your ex-girlfriend comes and tells you tales of running from hungry aliens, you're inclined to believe her, right? Well, not in this case. Dave doesn't believe them. In another part of town, we are treated to a scene of a mechanical gorilla outside a drug store named DRUGS STORE (all caps). A clown surverys the area when he is spotted by two girls. He imitates the mechanical gorilla until the girls leave, and sadly does not kill them. He goes inside with the strict purpose of making a mess of things. Back at the police station Debbie tells the whole dumb story to Officer Dave, while Officer Mooney overhears and is a jerk about things, since he refuses to believe in clowns. What is this guy's problem? He just blatantly refuses to believe in clowns. In a gazebo, a dumb man in a red sweatshirt watches a puppet show, but it's a trick by a killer clown! Oh no! He is zapped and wrapped up in cotton candy. The end of dumb sweater guy. Back at the pharmacy the clown acheives his goal of making a mess of everything in front of a nebbish shopkeeper. Oh, the hijinx. Dave, Debbie, and Mike ride in the cruiser to check out where the bigtop spaceship had landed, and in the process revealing that Dave and Debbie dated before. The clowns go on a door-to-door cotton candy rampage with various dumb gags. More clowns show up in the drug store and cause havoc with the displays. Mike and Dave show up at the site of the spaceship, only the spaceship is gone, so Officer Dave arrests Mike without reading him his rights or really stating a reason why. I guess when you say "Two people were killed and I can show you where." but there is nothing visible (at night) to indicate where, you can get arrested. |
| Chapters 5 & 6 Written by Sean |
| Sorry, this is the only nudity you're getting in this movie. |
| "Ah, my subscription to Asshole Quarterly is here!" |
|
| The klowns, each for himself, have a walk downtown. First one - the midget - meet some bikers. A head is cut. The second one try to lure a little blonde girl but ultimately failed. Mum prefer little girl to eat junk food rather than play along with clowns. I guess she wants her to go fat so she won't steal the boyfriends later.
Meanwhile, Dave - the cop - and Mike go where the kids park their cars when they want to "go to the top of the world" and there is enough pink stuff and blood there for Dave to finally accept that killer klowns from outer space may be a reality. Not the same for his boss, Mooney, the old moronic sheriff who hate young. Submerged with calls about "killer klowns at the front door," he answers, "Let me type that on my invisible typewriter". As any good policeman should do, he said to himself: "they want to play games, there messing with the wrong guy!".... |
| Chapters 7 & 8 Written by Ghidorah |
|
| Debbie has had a hard night. She been attack by clowns, but worse she had Mike pawing at her. She takes a shower to get some of the stink off. There's popcorn all over the floor of the bathroom. Some of it is slinking along the floor. Looks like Debbie is going to be in some evil clown popcorn related trouble.
Meanwhile, outside Big Top Burger, a scary clown with green hair throws some popcorn in a dumpster. A poor fast food worker throws trash in the dumpster and gets attacked by whatever awful thing is inside of it. Another scary red haired clown gets off a bus. A lot of people are waiting there. An old lady sees the clown and laughs and thinks it's just adorable. Everyone else thinks so too! The clown wonders why they hadn't found this planet full of willing victims sooner. The clown shows them his amazing shadow puppet skills. First he makes a bunny. And everyone is laughing and having fun. Then he does an elephant and they all move closer. "That's right, move together so I can kill you all in one shot," the clown seems to think. Mike and Officer Stud Muffin are driving and come across the shadow puppet clown. He has made a dancing naked lady for them. The old woman likes this one especially. Instead of shooting the clown they watch as the clown kills all the people with a dinosaur shadow. Mike takes control of the police cruiser and tries to run over the clown but the clown just jumps out of the way. He calls police HQ and Officer Mooney is drunk or something and offers no help. He doesn't believe in clowns. He smokes a cigar and ignores all the ringing telephones. With a little fanfare the green haired clown comes into the police station. Any normal person would freak out and run away but Officer Dumdum just sits there looking at it. "Whoop dee goddamn dee do! What do we have here!?" The clown looks pretty happy because he knows he can play with this one before he kills it. The clown squirts Officer Deadmeat in the faces with a flower, so he arrests it. Of course the clowns hands come off when he tries to put the handcuffs on it. But this doesn't bother Officer Stoopid. He takes the clown back to the cell where the two lovebird wine drinking park ruining hoodlums are being kept. They don't seem to have a problem with the evil clown either. Officer Fivesecondstolive hits the clown in the back of the head with his gun and the clown turns his whole head around and gives him an evil look and for the first time in the movie the grumpy old policeman doesn't look so confident. "I don't know you who you are but before this night's over you're gonna be begging for mercy," he says. Then the clown kills him. The clown turns to the two other guys and you can almost hear them say "Mother." Meanwhile Debbie has finished her shower and something unnerving is going on in the hamper. Officer Hotstuff arrives at the police station to find the lights off and the phone ringing off the hook. He answers the phone and on the other line is clown music. Creepy! Then he notices big red clown footprints on the floor and follows them. He finds the two hoodlums have be turned into cotton candy clown appetizers. The green haired clown turns around in a chair Dr. No style and instead of a fluffy white cat on its lap it's Officer Ventriloquist Dummy. "Don't worry Dave, all we want to do is kill you," he says. Then the clown rips its hand out of the man's back and shakes the blood off of it. Well Officer Dave is screwed. Until a lucky shot hits the clown in the nose. The nose explodes in a burst of confetti. The clown turns green and starts spinning until it explodes. Looks like Dave has found the clowns' weakness. |
| Chapters 9 & 10 Written by Maria |
| You really shouldn't lean in like that in a dumpster. Epsecially that of a burger joint. |
| "I gave the cop flowers and I JIZZED! IN! HIS! FACE!" |
| "Say hi to the boys and girls, Mooney!" "I Would but your hand is up my-I mean Hi boys and girls!" |
| Ok I'm all for equal rights, but sometimes the gay pride parade goes a bit too far! |
|
| After killing the killer clown, Dave radios for help. The Terenzi
Brothers drive Mike in the ice cream truck and go over the plot of the
movie in disbelief, until they come across a clown parade of killer
clowns collecting cotton candy cocoons (that's a lot of C's), and they speed off in the opposite direction.
Debbie finishes her shower, and the clown babies hatch and come out of their hiding places. She fights them off and hears Mike at the door, but it turns out to be another clown trick. She tries to escape out the window, but there are four clowns doing the fireman rescue gag, similar to a pivital scene in Dumbo, when a big clown catches her and puts her into a balloon. The real Mike arrives on the scene, when the clowns speed off in their clown car with Debbie. As they drive by, Dave spots them and chases too, which result in an accident between cop car and ice cream truck. The clowns hide out at the amusement park and run into the night watchmen after doing the clown car gag. Haha, clowns. If you are not sick of seeing clowns or reading the word "clown" by now than I don't know what's wrong with you. They pie him, but since they are clowns of the killer variety, the pies dissolve him. The littlest clown places a cherry on top, and they go into the funhouse. Mike, Dave, and the Terenzi brothers show up, consider eating the acid goo, and go in. Many ruminations onto the origin of the clowns, the best and most likely being that they are just in the area and hungry. Dave reiterates that you have to shoot them in the nose, as they go deeper into the funhouse. The Terenzi brothers land in a ball pit and spot two horribly disturbing lady clowns with expanding breasts. Personally I think that all clowns, even the nice ones, spring fully formed from holes in the ground, and are all born male, similar to Tolkien orcs. These must be clowns in drag. I mean just look at them. |
| Chapters 11 & 12 Written by Sean |
| Where Drive-Thru Boxes Are Born! |
| Jeez, I hate to see the Rule 34 on this movie. |
|
| In the spaceship, the two ice cream brothers meet big breasted female klowns from outer space while Mike and Dave search for Debbie, trapped in a big balloon. Why do the klowns kill the men but trap the women in ballons is unexplained but for what I can figure out myself, I'm happy to be a man. The balloon is blown up, Debbie is freed and it's now time to flee. But the labyrinthine spaceship is a lot bigger than what it looked from outside and that's easier said than done... |
| Chapters 13 & 14 Written by Ghidorah |
|
| Boy you got that right. They go through a billion doors, each one getting tinier and tiner, kinda like that one part in "Willy Wonka", until they reach the other side. There, they find they are trapped and soon a whole shitload of Killer Klowns appear, all holding deadly weapons like...foam bats with green nails on the end of it.
So what happened to their cotton candy gun? Why couldn't they just blast them or whatever? Weird. Anyway, you think all hope is lost until our Deus Ex Machina arrives in the form of The Terenzi Brothers And Their Wonderful Ice Cream Truck! They pretend to be the boss klown or something which works for a few seconds while Dave, Mike, and Debbie escape. Then as they try to get the fuck outta there, a big huge giant ass klown appears. Uh oh, they've reached the final level and now they gotta fight THE BIG BOSS! Dave tells everyone to run, but the Moron Brothers wanna stay cause the truck is rented. That's a good point. Last time I tried to use "giant Killer Klown" as an excuse, I got charged an extra 300 bucks. But anyway. The Giant Boss Klown picks up the truck and throws it and I guess ice cream is made from nitrogylcerin cause the entire truck blows up. Mike goes "oh no not them oh god no why" and fakes cries until Dave tells Mike and Debbie to get the hell outta there while he distracts the Boss Klown. Mike, being the hero of the film, says "ok" and runs. Pussy. Mike shoots at the klown but runs out of bullets. The space ship is taking off! Here come the calvary! OH NO! It's too late! Dave is gonna go to outer space and get anal probed with a clown car!! BUT WAIT!! Dave grabs his badge and bonks Boss Klown on the nose with it and I guess that's all it took cause the klown exploded, along with the space ship. Yeah, I don't know either. But whatever. Movie's almost over. Debbie goes "DAVE!!" until the Klown Kar comes crashing down. The door opens and...it's Dave, safe and sound. Oh and hey, the Idiot Brothers survived too. For those of you that think the fridge scene in "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" was unbelieveable, you must HATE HATE HATE this movie, don't you? Don't you??? Anyway, from the looks of things I say Debbie is back with Dave, since she was all over him and stuff. Poor Mike. And poor rest of the town, they're all dead. But that don't matter, cause some giant pies come crashing down on our heroes, puctuating that final punch line. Ha ha |
| Chapters 15 & 16 Written by Jason |
 |
| Sean Some good things: It probably has the best killer clowns out there, besides "It" or "The Dark Knight" or maybe "Poltergeist". "Killer Klowns from Outer Space" lives up to the title. You know with a title like this you come to expect killer clowns that come from outer space, and that you get. This movie opperates on its own sort of cartoon logic. It very well could have been a cartoon. My favorite scene is when Officer Dave is rescued from the space ship, and he's all over Debbie, his ex-girlfriend. Mike just sort of hangs out and thinks it's awesome. Some bad things: The movie isn't terribly good. It's kind of uncomfortable if you're already afraid of clowns, which I am. The people who made this only made one movie, so I assume that this was their vision and masterpeice. What demented minds must go into such stupid gags. Also, someone somewhere jerked off to the image of those two lady clowns. It's too specific a scene not to float somebody's boat. I would give Killer Klowns 2 stars, one for being a movie, and one for the special effects. |
|
|
| (Ghidorah didn't send me his final thoughts and rating. I'm gonna assume it gets a "Sacre Bleu!" rating, though.) |
| Jason Like I said earlier, I kinda like this movie now. Yeah, it's not good. At all. But it's good cheesy fun. A lot of the gags go by pretty fast. Hell, half the movie is the Klowns killing people in odd and strange ways. I don't get how the group of people died during the shadow puppet thing but whatever, it got a laugh out of me. This really is a movie you need to watch with a group of friends, and probably riff on. What better choice for a Mass Invasion? |
|
 |
|
 |