Kings & Desperate Men
Boredom: The Movie
John Kingsley-Played by Patrick McGoohan (You know, "The Prisoner" dude). Radio host from England (It's unclear if this movie is in England but everyone else speaks in American accents) who hosts a Rush Limbaugh-type show. Gets held hostage.
Lucas Miller-Some professor dude who thinks this guy MacKenzie got a raw deal, so he holds John hostage and takes over his radio show.
Elizabeth-John's wife. Doesn't do much throughout the movie.
Chris-John's son. Can't speak cause of some brain disorder. Frankly, he and his mom exists as a plot point.
Judge McManus-Sentenced MacKenzie to prison so now he's held hostage.
Hostage takers-They're holding Liz, Chris, and the judge hostage. There's a female one with Lucas but she isn't given a name.
There seems to be an odd share of hostage-type movies popping up nowadays. Awhile back there was the cleverly titled movie "Hostage" with Bruce Willis. Then there's "Inside Man", and more recently a true story about 9/11 called "United 93". So it's a weird coincidence that I happen to watch this movie.

Well I won't say "watch". I'll say, "glanced at". Or "stared offendly at". Or "practically poked my eyes out with my pen." Those terms pretty much describe what was going on during this movie.

We meet John, who's doing his typical radio show where he has on boring people talk about boring stuff and he makes fun of them in some way, shape or form. Apparently he's pretty popular. We also learn it's Christmas Eve Eve (AKA December 23). I dunno why that's important unless it was the only lame ass excuse to use Christmas music throughout the movie cause it's public domain and they didn't have to pay for it.

One thing that's annoying about this movie, and it goes on throughout the whole damn this is the haphazarding editing. It doesn't stay on any object for more then 10 seconds, and usually the objects shown have nothing to do with what's going on. Granted, they do mix in stuff that has something to do with this so called "plot", but it takes like three or four viewings to figure it out. And anyone willing to sit through this shit for four times is out of their fuckin' minds.

So during images of people eating hot dogs and skating and driving, we get some annoying footage of some people in a cramped car. And to add another annoyance onto the list, the dialoge always overlap each other. The people in the cramped car talk about a wide array of subjects from John to his house to his car to his show to some judge dude who we meet in a bit here to the soup nazi to tips on how to keep your garden nice and green during the summer.

The cramped car pulls up to a giant house and we see John is very drunk at a Christmas party. His wife Elizabeth tells him he had enough and it's time to go home. Then things get rather confusing.

Some dude dressed like a waiter kidnaps this Judge dude. Elizabeth somehow got to her apartment before John where some dude kidnaps her. John gets in his car and a decent looking chick whom I'm gonna name Sandy cause she isn't given a name in the movie (I hate that!!) is waiting. Sandy makes John take her to his studio, which looks like a penthouse apartment.

So what's going on? It's kind of explained when Lucas Miller arrives at the studio. Apparently, some guy he knows named MacKenzie was arrested, tried, and sentenced to life in prison for killing a guy who turned out to be a cop. Lucas says the cop was on drugs and that MacKenzie was defending himself or some shit. So he wants to go on John's show and tell the people about this in hopes that MacKenzie will go free. And to make sure John doesn't play a hero, there's some guys watching Elizabeth and their son Chris.

Got it?

Now that seems simple. But it takes them TWO FUCKIN HOURS to get through the whole damn thing. We get shot after shot of a bunch of things that have nothing to do with anything while dialogue is placed over the scenes. And the whole thing is just so boring because it doesn't appear John or his wife and kid is any type of danger because none of the bad guys have any guns.

Well, ok, that's not entirely true. Sandy has a shotgun and her sole job is to hold it on John while the show is going on. And now and then she says "You won't win! I'll make sure of that!" or "Don't move!" or "YAWN!". No wait, that last one was me.

As for the judge? It turns out he was the one who passed sentence on MacKenzie and Lucas wants him to reconsider. But the judge is all like "No, bitch!" and then he all up and dies. I mean WTF?!

Then things start to fall apart when the wife of the cop who got killed calls and said her husband didn't drink cause he took asthma medicine and drinking would just fuck him up big time and he wouldn't do that, just ask The Ripley's next door. This moves a lot of people, including the guys watching the wife and kid. One guy gives himself up but gets beaten by the phone by the other guy. But the police swarm in and save the wife and kid.

Now Lucas doesn't have much of a leg to stand on. What little he did have gets cut down when MacKenzie himself calls and say "Knock this shit off! I did it!! Jesus!!" So now there's one thing left to do. Give us a mild cliffhanger.

We hear a shotgun go off and Sandy screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" for what feels like 90 minutes. Then....OH MY GOD!! John is still alive!! Turns out Lucas just shot himself. John signs off from his show and the police come and everything is A-Ok. But the ending credits go on for-fuckin-ever.
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I'm not able to get any images from this movie but frankly, this movie was so boring that if I did get any images from it, they would be the most boring images ever on the site. So maybe it's a good thing. Last thing I want you to do when coming to my site is fall asleep.