Leonard Part 6
I Knew Vegetarians Were Up To No Good!
Leonard Parker-Played by Bill Cosby. The best secret agent around. He now must fight a group of vegetarians while winning his wife back. You kinda feel sorry for Mr. Cosby here.
Frayn-Leonard's butler who also serves as narrator. He reminds me of the butler from "The Nanny".
Alison-Leonard's wife. She hasn't forgiven him after an incident with some 19-year-old girl, so she pours food on him any chance she gets.
Joan-Leonard's daughter. Is dating some old director dude and seems very snobby and bitchy.
Snyderburn-Played by Joe Don Baker. The head of the Secret Agent's Club or something. Makes Leonard come out of retirement.
Medusa-She looks like Eartha Kitt playing the Bride of Frankenstein. Hardcore vegetarian who drugged animals to kill meateaters.
Andy-This guy is awesome, which is why he gets a mention here. He's in a wheelchair and just shouts "KILL HIM" over and over.
The Vegetarians-A group of ballet dancers dressed up like chickens. This is one weird (and stupid) film.
Out of all the genre's that are out there, the most unbearable to watch are comedies that try too hard to be funny and just come off has annoying. "Corky Romano" falls in this category. And another entry is "Leonard Part 6". What sucks about this is I think Bill Cosby is actually a pretty funny guy. Considering I'm a kid of the 80's, I watched The Cosby Show. I even tried to watch "The Cosby Mysteries", which I admit looking back on it wasn't all that great, but I still watched. And I shouldn't have to mention his concert film "Himself", which is quite possibly the best stand up performance ever caught on tape.

Enough of the good stuff. Onto "Leonard Part 6".

Apparently someone thought it was a good idea to take the goofy Bill Cosby, make him a secret agent, and have him fight vegetarians. And according to the credits, it was Cosby himself that thought of this. So I dunno what to think, but I do know that somewhere along the line, Cosby's vision was turned to shit. Or Jell-O pudding.

We start off with a shot of a car with a tank thing on top flying in the air. Then a shot of Bill Cosby who doesn't seem like he's in a car with a tank thing on top flying in the air. He looks like he's just looking for a parking space. Next up is Cosby doing ballet while wearing ballet slippers. And finally, a God-awful shot of Bill Cosby on an ostrich jumping off a building that's exploding.
Huh? Am I flying in the air? Oh hum...
Directed by Art Clokey.
Then we meet Frayn, a butler who works for Cosby's character Leonard Parker. Frayn explains the dumbass title "Leonard Part 6" by saying that we would've enjoyed his first five adventures if they were confiscated by the CIA. So I guess what we're about to see is the 6th adventure he's ever had. That's pretty tame for a secret agent. Hell, James Bond has over 20. But Austin Powers only has 3, so I guess Leonard is doing ok for himself.

We jump head first into the plot when some frogmen are in the San Francisco bay, showing a fish a picture of another secret agent. Yes, I said guys in scuba gear is showing a fish (a grouper I think) a photo of a secret agent. They release the fish and it goes swimming through a sewer pipe and bursts into the agent's pool, attacking him and eventually killing him.
"You must let this man eat you, then attack him from the inside! HAHA!!"
Leonard, meanwhile, is working at the restaurant he opened when another secret agent tells Leonard that the fish isn't fresh. This is suppose to be funny cause we just saw how fresh fish get. HAHAHAHA!! Oh my sides...

Anyway, Leonard insists the fish is fresh and shows this guy, Monroe, the tank. Monroe pulls a gun out and threatens to kill him. In a kitchen full of cook's. And none of them notice this. Hilarious. Leonard just walks away and Monroe shoots him, which starts a chain reaction of hilarity.

Monroe wrapped his gun with a towel so when he shoots it, it catches on fire. It falls on the grill and the cooks use it to cook with. Then Monroe pulls out a machine gun and just lets loose, shooting various cooking objects like spices, oil, and eggs. The cook's use these objects to cook with and quite enjoy themselves. Finally, Monroe shoots and it ricochets across the kitchen, eventually hitting him in the back of the head and he falls head first into the tank. Oh man, I'm in tears. And it's not from laughing.

Leonard drags Monroe's dead body into Snyderburn's conference room and I get happy because Joe Don Baker finally made it to my little B-Movie site. Leonard demands to know why Monroe tried to kill him and Snyderburn says if he succeeded, Leonard wouldn't have been the right man for the job.
"Think you can outact me, Cosby? Go 'head on! It's yer move!!"
See? Pussy CAN kill.
He makes Leonard watch an irritating short film about the ABC's of sexual education for trainables. After that, he shows him that this evil vegetarian chick named Medusa is turning animals into killers by using some kind of sphere thing. And she's slowly bumping off all the secret agents one by one. They want Leonard to get the sphere from Medusa. After killing 5 minutes by walking around the room and hilariously tripping over Monroe's dead body, Leonard simply says "No" and leaves. Jack Bauer enters and says DAMMIT!!

Frayn explains to us, via voice over, that Leonard gave up the secret agent business seven years ago because his wife left him after she caught him naked in a spa with a 19-year-old. I'm guessing this is one of the aforementioned 5 adventures we're not allowed to see. And if it involves Bill Cosby naked in a spa, I'm grateful.

Leonard returns home to find his daughter there. She got into a fight with her mom about something and has come to stay with Daddy. Then she reveals she's in a play directed by her boyfriend Giorgio, who is roughly 90 years old.

Leonard doesn't take this news kindly and makes Joan, the daughter, make him a sandwich and get a drink. She makes the biggest sandwich I've ever seen and Leonard holds the drink so we see his choice of drink is COKE! THE CHOICE OF A NEW GENERATION! No wait, that's not right. What was their slogan in the 80's?
"I think I'll enjoy this hogie sandwich with a NICE REFRESHING COCA-COLA!!"
Anyway, Leonard is perturbed by this and possibly grossed out. Joan says he doesn't understand and march's to her room. Leonard uses this has an excuse to call his wife Alison to discuss this. She agrees to meet him the next night for dinner.

NOW ITS TIME FOR A MONTAGE!!!! (Guitar licks!)

We get glimpses of Leonard preparing for the big date by exercising, getting dressed, getting suited for a suit, rejecting ties, and getting a manicure. He even exercises to a personal tape by Jane Fonda. For those of you not in the know, she use to have exercise tapes in the 80's. Now she just appears in god awful movies starring Jennifer Lopez.

In between all of this, we get a glimpse of another secret agent sitting outside Medusa's hideout. We meet some of Medusa's henchmen, one of them a guy I liked and wish he was in the movie more often. Of course I'm talking about Andy, an old guy in a wheelchair who just yells the phrase "KILL HIM!" constantly. He's awesome.

Anyway, Medusa spots the secret agent and sends out her trained frogs to kill him. This is unbelievable. I'm watching a movie called "Leonard Part 6" and it features frogs actually killing a guy. But when I watch the film "Frogs", I don't see frogs doing a god damn thing.
The greatest character in any movie ever made.
Eartha Kitt in Bride of Blakenstein!
The killer frogs got sent to the wrong movie. Oh well...
Leonard is finally ready and Frayn drives him to Alison's house, which is two doors down (if it was three I'd put in a Kryptonite joke). Leonard is greeted by Alison's slave...er butler and shown to the dining room. Alison enters and sounds calm and cool and collective. Leonard believes she has forgiven him for the whole spa thing...until she dumps soup on him. Then some dish with lettuce and rice. And a few more things to make us laugh out of our seats.

Leonard leaves with a face full of food and tells Frayn to take him to Nurse Weird Ass Name That I Didn't Catch. This Nurse is some kind of psychic who talks gibberish and Leonard only sees her before going off on a mission.
Looks like Bill didn't like tossing the salad.
The Cos is probably nervous because he knows he looks stupid in that outfit. Aren't you glad he wore "Sure"?
The Nurse slaps him, looks into her crystal ball, and yells at her kids before giving him a pair of ballet slippers and a small red box. Leonard goes home and suits up in a ridicious outfit and has Frayn quote things that I'm sure I was suppose to memorize in high school but remembering all these crappy films pushed that out. Leonard gets into his car/tank thing and takes off to Medusa's.

Leonard arrives and tries to blast open the door with every weapon he has, including the underarm rockets but they don't open. Finally, Medusa lets him in and I'm rolling on the floor laughing my fat ass off. Once inside, Leonard is greeted by Medusa and she introduces him to her Vegetarians and the movie takes such a weird turn that David Lynch is probably asking himself "What drugs were THEY on?"

These Vegetarians are basically ballet dancers dressed like chickens and turkeys and they disarm Leonard. Leonard then puts on the ballet shoes and we see one of the scenes from the beginning where he's dancing, but this time he's kicking some ass. He defeats them and Medusa gets pissed and shoots at him. He takes one in the shoulder, but he soldiers on, looking for the sphere.
This scene would make Salvadore Dahli's head spin.
He finds it in the "B" room, which is actually the "Bee" room. He grabs the red box and finds a queen bee inside. He throws it in the room and does her little bee thing, then he lets them all out of the room. He snags the sphere and hightails it out. I should say real quick that I hate bee's and I actually have nightmares about them, so this scene didn't make me roll around on the floor in laughter.

Then one of my favorite things about bad movies happens. One of Medusa's goons grabs the boomerang knife from Leonard and throws it at him, but of course it comes back and stabs the goon. So we get a shot of the goon "holding onto the knife" while falling to the ground. I love bad acting.

Leonard escapes and returns home, where he starts to operate on himself to get the bullet out. This involves him getting pissed drunk and digging a knife into his shoulder. Anyone hungry for Jell-O? More hilarity ensues when Joan insists Leonard reads her reviews of the play she's in and he does so while digging the bullet out. Ha-ha-ha.
"Oh no. I been stabbed. Ouch. That hurts."
The condition Cosby was in when he read the script.
"Thanks for paying for THESE Mommy and Daddy!!"
Man, somebody sure likes to get dirty.
So now Leonard and Alison have to suffer through Joan's play, which as far as I could tell is about a guy who gets hepatitis, marries a black chick, and returns home. Oh and Joan has to get naked for no reason that I can see. This is a bit weird cause Joan has to know that her parents are out there watching, even makes them come, and she freely gets naked. Maybe this movie was originally written in the 60's.

Leonard and Alison go backstage to confront Joan about the nudity and beat up Giorgio, but Medusa's goons kidnapped Alison. Medusa left a note saying if he returns the sphere, he'll get Alison back. So he goes back to the secret agent headquarters and steals it back from Snyderburn, who seems to want to use it for evil purposes himself.

Leonard is driving to Medusa's lair when The Nurse materializes in his car. She gives him a stick of melted butter, some hamburger patties, and a hot dog. Then we get the shot of the flying car from the beginning and a not interested look from Cosby, then The Nurse materializes out of the car.

At Medusa's hideout, Leonard arrives and gives the sphere back. But Medusa tricked him and locks him in the same cell with Alison. Then she releases the lobsters!! OH NOEZ!!!!11 Leonard spews some horrible one liners, then is released when one of them snips off the wire that was holding Leonard back. He then realizes he needs to use the butter to scare the lobsters into cutting the wire.
Bill Cosby auditions for The Harlem Globetrotters.
I've seen a lot of goofy ass shit in my time, but this takes the cake.

Now Leonard and Alison is free and they disguise themselves has stable workers and get on a horse. They ride the horse through a glass plated map of California, which somehow means Medusa is stopped. Leonard tells Alison to free all the animals in the hideout, which she does. Then Leonard kills the goons by throwing the hamburger patties at them. Cause see, they're vegetarians and meat kills them...I guess.

I should try that with a few vegetarians that I'm not too fond of.

Leonard then battles Andy, who is firing a Tommy Gun at him yelling "KILL HIM!!" repeatedly. Leonard flips him into a fat of the goo that controls the animal and finds that the Alka-Seltzer makes the stuff bubble up and explode. So he sets that up and the building is all on fire and stuff. HOW WILL LEONARD GET OUT???

Well, it would be climatic if they didn't show it at the beginning. The whole thing with the ostrich and him turning into clay and whatnot. Leonard lands safely and Synderburn is pissed, much to the delight of Leonard and he rides off into the sunset with his family in tow.

Then we get the final hilarious moment of the movie. Leonard and Alison are reunited and are at his restaurant. Then Alison dumps food on him while the ending credits play and I'm guessing they all lived happily ever after. Medusa? I'm guessing she died in the fire, who knows. It's not like this movie makes a whole lotta sense.
"This is for coming up with this story!!"
Phew. My sides ache from all that laughter. Ouch. Seriously, Cosby himself declared this to be the worst movie he's ever made and he's probably correct. And it's presently number 18 of the bottom 100 on imdb.com, and you know that speaks volumes on the quality of this movie.
I'm hungry for pudding.
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