Leprechan 3

Leprechaun 3
Ow...My Brain.

The Leprechaun-Played by Warwick Davis. Yeah, you should know the story about him by now. If he's that anal about his gold, he really should keep it locked up in a safe at home, ya know?
Scott-College bound dude who makes a pit stop in Vegas. Is very greedy and stupid. Not a good combo when you're in Vegas.
Tammy-Nice girl with great, um, "talents". Is a magicians assistant.
Fazio-Flaming gay magician who makes G.O.B look like David Copperfield.
Loretta-Chick who works at the casino. Has some really weird misshapen boobs.
Mitch-Owner of the casino. Typical sleazy 40-ish guy who hits on Tammy a lot.
Arthur-I don't know what his story is exactly, but he wants Mitch to pay him some money.
Big Dumb Guy-Arthur's right hand man. I had the impression they were "together" if you get my meaning.
Pawn Shop Owner-Since he took up 30 minutes of screen time, I have to include him here. Brings The Leprechaun to life and puts up a good fight.

I could try to write a limmerick, but anytime I attempt to, it comes out god awful. You'd think by now, after watching his horrible movie, I'd get the hang of them, since they're said every five minutes. And if you think I'm exaggerating, watch this movie for yourself, and don't come after me, cause I told you so.

And what makes no sense to me is how every movie in this series don't match up to each other. Basically, after watching this one, I realize he dies in every one. Maybe this is where they got the idea for Kenny. And this is probably where they got the idea for "The Ring" also, but I'll get to that later.

We see we're in Vegas and we realize we're in for some "lucky" puns about Vegas and gold and luck and whatnot. We focus in on a pawn shop and we meet the owner, whom I'm sure isn't given a name. So let's call the owner, because he's in the first half of the movie, Larry. I dunno, the name Larry is funny to me, and since the owner is "supposedly" Indian, it makes it all the funnier.

Anyway, Larry is there and this guy with one leg, one eye, and one arm hobbles in with a giant bag. He wants to sell what's in the bag for gas money to get out. Larry looks and it's our old friend Warwick Davis as The Leprechaun. You know, this is the fifth review I had to write about The Leprechaun and I'm frankly sick of typing that out. Call me lazy, but let's just call him Warwick. Is that ok? So Warwick is in statue form, kind of like the beginning of "In The Hood", which blew my mind that the movies actually somewhat lined up with each other. And to further line up with each other, Warwick remains a statue as long as a cheap necklace that Mr. T would find tacky is hanging on the statue.

Larry gives the cripple twenty bucks and he takes off. Larry, not heeding the words of the cripple to never remove the necklace, removes the necklace to study it. And of course, Warwick comes to life. Larry turns around to look at the statue and finds a pot of gold.

We all know what happens next. Larry takes the gold, Warwick accuses him of stealing it, and bites his ear off. Now we know where Mike Tyson learned that trick. To make it even cooler, Warwick bites off his toe. When Larry holds up the necklace, Warwick gets scared. So Warwick is a vampire Leprechaun? Weird.

We leave plot A to meet plot B. Plot B consists of Scotty driving in his car and looking everywhere but in front of him. Ahead of him, Tammy is having car troubles and does the universal sign for "I'm a hot chick, pick me up and please don't kill me." Scotty nearly runs her over, so he pulls over and tries to assist her.

She asks him to take him to where she works, and because he's horny and noticed her nice, um, "lumps" (if I can quote Black Eye Peas here), he agrees.

Back to Plot A. Larry manages to lock Warwick in the back of the store, while Warwick counts his gold. Of course one is missing. Larry, remembering all those PSA's from the 80's, decides that knowledge IS power, puts in a very old fashioned CD-ROM and learns all that he can about Leprechauns. Hey, it's an actual Plot Device.

We learn the following things about Leprechauns, at least in this film:
-They're territorial, and don't like to encounter other leprechauns.
-If you possess one of their gold coins, you can make one wish.
-They love potatoes, cause they're Irish.
-If you destroy their gold, you destroy the leprechaun.

Got all of that? All of those things will come up later in the movie.

Back to plot B. Scott drops Tammy off and he decides to roam around a REAL LIVE CASINO! Tammy tells him no at first, but after much begging and whining, she agrees. And he does just that, roam around, looking like an idiot as he stares all bugged eyed and mouth open. This goes on for about five minutes.

Then we meet Fazio, the gay magician. Actually, the only thing you need to know about this scene is: how sleazy Mitch is and how much Loretta wants to be a hot chick.

Back to Warwick. Larry decides to have a discussion with Warwick. He says he'll put away the tacky necklace if Warwick gives him half of his gold. Warwick says "Sure" and Larry stupidly believes him. Of course, this was a trick and Warwick chokes Larry with a phone cord.

Back to plot A, Scott proves he's the biggest dumbass in the world when he cashes the check his parents gave him to get a room and stuff at college and uses it to play the roulette table. Loretta is there and we find that the table is fixed. Cause all casinos are evil, get it! HA!

I'm sure I don't have to mention that Scott stupidly loses all his money. Loretta tells him to run to the pawn shop across the street to pawn the watch. A-HA! The two plots are gonna come crash together, finally. And it's 38 minutes into the movie. Sheesh.

Scott runs across the street and goes in the shop to find Larry is dead. After calling the police, he finds the one missing gold coin. Scott takes it and he accidently turns the plot device/computer back on. It repeats what it said about the wish, so Scott wishes he was on a winning streak. Scott vanishes and reappears in front of the roulette table. Oddly enough, Loretta or anyone else watching wasn't startled by his suddenly Star Trek-like beaming down.

Scotty places his bet and he wins! Every time he places a bet, he wins! Mitch comes in and finds this is going on and gets pissed off because the thing under the table that fixes the roulette wheel broke and he's made he's losing money. Like all sleazy casino owners.

I just wanna say I loved the scene in "Mafia!" when Jay Mohr says in a voice over that people were so use of losing their money at his casino that they'd just mail him the money. Oh...Mafia! What a funny movie.

Oh, sorry. Back to this horrible movie.

Anyway, we get some confusing scenes of Mitch talking to Arthur and The Big Dumb Goon who I'm gonna name Goon cause it fits him so well. Art says that Mitch owes him some money. How much money or why he owes him is a mystery and is never solved, so don't worry about it too much. Mitch, seeing Scott with all his winnings, decide to steal his money back.

Mitch gives Scott a free room in the hotel, so he could steal the money that much easier. On the way to the room, Scott runs into Tammy, in showgirl attire. This makes Scott hornier. Tammy is dissapointed in Scott and tells him to stay in his room and wait until she gets done with her show. Good Scott. Who's my good Scott? Who's my good Scotty boy?!

Mitch tells Loretta to steal the money, and Loretta pawns that job on Fazio. Warwick, meanwhile, goes on the most pointless trip through Vegas. This was just so we can hear him spout off one-liners like there's no tomorrow. And here's the stupid thing about this scene: he's looking Scotty who took his one gold coin. Scotty is in the casino. The CASINO WAS ACROSS THE FUCKIN STREET FROM THE PAWN SHOP!! ARRGH!!! Anyway, Warwick walks in and decides to do some gambling. He runs into Art and Goon, and he turns Goon into a slot machine. Sort of. And really, he did.

Upstairs, Fazio breaks into Scotty's room and steals the gold coin. Scotty tries to stop him, but he gets beat down by a gay magician from Vegas. No offense to gay magicians everywhere, but my grandma could take on Fazio. Anyway, Fazio leaves and Warwick enters, asking for his coin. Then he bites Scotty. Scotty throws Warwick out the window, where he uses his power to turn into a dummy until he lands, then he turns back. At least that's what I'm sure the filmmakers were going for.

And I guess Leprechauns are also werewolves cause Scotty is now turning into a Leprechaun. This movie is hurting my brain. We learn that Scotty is now turning into a bigger version of Warwick cause not only does he crave potatoes, but he talks in limmerick as well.

Fazio gives the coin to Loretta, who loses it immdately when Mitch takes it. While holding it, he wishes that Tammy would fall madly in love with him. And she does. And it's the grossest thing I've ever seen ever in any movie I have ever seen. Yes, even "Bloodsucking Freaks". I rather watch a doctor suck on a brain through a straw then watch Tammy try to get all sex with Mitch.

My friend April says I need to get out more. I think she's right.

Loretta figures out the gold coin makes wishes come true, unlike Make-A-Wish, and goes to Mitch's room to steal it. Inside the room, Tammy is about to get naked, and I was glad that this scene was gonna have a pay off, when Loretta takes it and Tammy come to her senses. She screams and beats up on Mitch, who fires her.

Scotty, looking for Tammy, finds her leaving Mitch's room, crying. He decides to defend her honor by going up to Mitch and kick his ass. But while Mitch is nursing his wounds, Warwick sneaks in and makes a woman crawl out of Mitch's TV, kind of like in "The Ring", but done very cheaply, and starts making out with him. For what it's worth, we see her tits.

After playing around on TV by posing as a lawyer, a priest, and Miss Cleo (no lie), the woman turns into a weird robot and Warwick electrocutes Mitch. Yay! Arthur and Goon, who I should say have the stupidest conversations I've ever heard, see why Mitch never showed up to their meeting. They run into Warwick and he takes care of them right away. This is when Scotty and Tammy walk in.

While they escape, Loretta makes her wish to be young and hot again. And she does, kind of. Her hair was way too short for my taste, but whatever. She goes to tease Fazio about it when he steals the coin and leaves.

Ok wait. When Loretta stole the coin from Mitch, I thought that meant once it's not in your possession, the wish wears off. So shouldn't have Loretta been ugly again? And shouldn't have Scott lose all the money he won? This movie is hurting my head again.

Warwick shows up and basically makes her lips, boobs, and ass so extremely big that even Sir Mix-A-Lot would turn her down. Then eventually she explodes. Yay...I guess.

Because Scotty is slowly turning into a Leprechaun, Tammy takes him to the hospital. Because they can cure that kind of thing nowadays, you know. In the ER, the doctor and nurse find Scott's winnings and because everyone in Vegas are evil scheming greedy dicks, decide to steal it by giving Scott unneeded tests.

Scott, who is now fully a Leprechaun, but normal sized, frees himself and stops the doctors from stealing his money. Meanwhile Warwick dresses like he's gonna play a part on "Scrubs" and tricks Tammy into going to the morgue. There, Scott and Warwick have a mini-show down, when Scott reveals that Fazio has the coin. Fazio, meanwhile, wished he was the greatest magician in the world!

So on stage he's doing his trick when Warwick shows up. He puts Fazio in the "saw the person in half" box, but pulls out a chainsaw. When Fazio doesn't give it up right away (the coin you sickos), he literally cuts him in half. Ohhh! Ahhh!! Yay!

Scott and Tammy show up and the goofiest thing happens yet. They show the audience running out of the room and for some strange reason they jump on crap tables and in the fountain. No, they had no reason to do it, I guess they just thought it'd be fun.

So the final showdown happens where Warwick tempts Scott to join "the green side" (he really says this in the movie), and because we know Scott is a stupid greedy jackass, he looks tempted. But Tammy talks him out of it and Scott, following the plot device's order, burns the gold, thus burning Warwick. For some strange reason, he's flying in the air on a string while burning, until he falls down in a burning heap. Sadly, this won't be the last of Warwick, as we learned from 4, In The Hood, and apparently he goes "Back To The Hood".

Scotty returns to normal and somehow Tammy has the gold coin. They discuss if they should keep it, but she says "nah" and throws it away. Hey...that's how 2 ended. Maybe there is some weird linear way of matching these movies up. But then explain this to me: how does he not only end up in space, but also in the hood?

Phew. Granted, this isn't anywhere near as bad as 4, but it's about as horrible, maybe worse then "In the hood". And definately worse then 1 and 2 combined. 1 and 2 were entertaining on their own, even if I was repulsed and creeped out by 2. But watching 3 is like having your brain sucked out by a Dyson vaccum cleaner, then replaced by a jelly squid for an hour and a half. Thankfully, you can easily take a Dyson apart and get your brain back. (Hey, Dyson should give me some money for freely promoting his product here. Damn German dude...oh damn, there goes that.)

Happy St. Patricks Day From Invasion of The B-Movies