"Manos":The Hands of Fate

"Manos":The Hands of Fate
I Tackle The "Offical" Worst Movie Ever Made

Mike-Played by Harold "Hal" P. Warren, our writer, director & star. Typical husband who don't ask for directions and now he and his family are trapped at the gates of hell...or something.
Maggie-Mike's wife. I thought she was kinda cute. Too bad she's dead.
Debbie-Their daughter. Aww...ain't she cute?
Torgo-The guy that stole the show. He has giant knees and can hardly walk. He takes care of the place while the Master is away.
The Master-A guy in a robe with two hand prints on it. I guess he runs this "Manos" cult or something.
Master's Wives-He has about 6 women just hangin' around on posts, waiting for the opportunity to wrassle!
A Teenage Couple-They're the "comic relief", I think. They just sit in their car and make out all day and night and day again.
Two cops-They constantly tell the Teenage Couple to skidaddle.

I believe that it is a rite of passage for any B-Movie reviewer to actually sit through and write about "Manos": The Hands of Fate. Like maybe now that I did I'll be accepted into the Brotherhood of B-Movie Reviewers or something. Maybe I'll get a ring or a hooded robe or 72 virgins or something. That'd be cool. I got a lot of monsters I need to defeat. (And if you get THAT reference, you are by far the coolest human being on the face of the planet.)

So as 90% of you know, "Manos" was a film made by a fertilizer salesman named Harold P. Warren who thought it'd be fun to make a movie, not realizing you need talent, actors, good equipment, etc. And the only reason it's seeing the light of day today is cause of Mystery Science Theater 3000, which is in my top ten of favorite episodes. It's the episode I use to get people to like MST3K, cause frankly I think they were at top form in that episode.

So thanks to MST3K, it's fans, and the fact that horrible movies is making a strange comeback (Snakes On A Plane anyone?), this gets released on DVD and even gets a full length article in "Entertainment Weekly". I could go into the super long detailed story about the movie, the cast & crew, and other stuff but since I'm probably the last B-Movie Reviewer to write about this movie, I'm sure you can find all that info on your own just by Googling "Manos". Be sure to use the quotes too. "Manos".

First thing off the bat is the movie just gets thrown in my face. In the MST version, there was a few shots of cars driving and stuff before this opening scene, but no. Now I got whiplash.

Anyway, we meet the main family that we're gonna be staring at for the next hour and 10 minutes, which consists of Mike, Maggie, and Debbie. Damn, they ruined the little "M" thing that was going on. They should've named the daughter like Mathiason or Meander or Meadow or something. So Debbie is cold, she sits in the front seat, and they continue driving. Boy, this opening scene sure sets up the pace, don't it?

Then we get "Manos": The Hands of Fate. I always wondered why "Manos" was in quotes. Is it suppose to be "sarcastic" or an actual quote from someone or what? "OHH, right 'Manos'. Yeah THAT'S a word! Phfft!!"

Wow! What a great opening scene huh?

During the "Manos" title card, the police pull The Happy Family over (I just realized they don't have last names) and it's obvious the sound was added way after this movie was filmed cause the same guy (probably Hal Warren himself) is the voice for both characters talking. The cop lets Mike go with a warning.

Now the fun begins. CUE ENDLESS DRIVING SEQUENCE!!

I took the liberty to write down my thoughts while this driving sequence was going on. Here they are:

"Hm. I forget how long this lasts. Guess we'll see."
"Dear god, this is long."
"I wonder if I should dye my pubic hair. Maybe blonde?"
"Why do I watch these horrible movies? What do I have to prove? Does anybody actually read this crap that I write?? WHY DO I EXIST!! GOD HELP ME!!!"
"Oh, it's over. Phew."

So what we're suppose to get is the Family is lost and there's a young couple making out somewhere and the couple constantly gets harassed by the policemen from earlier. More driving, driving, driving, will you go to prom with me and dance and dance and dance and dance?

FINALLY (before my mind explodes and I sell my website to a German Bean Porn Site) they stop somewhere and there is Torgo. I...can't describe Torgo. Thank god I'm able to get screen grabs. Here ya go:

And Torgo has giant inflated knees, which means he's a half-man/half-goat (I'm spacing on the technical name right now), but I dunno it looks like he's wearing real shoes to me. Anyway, Torgo is the care taker while The Master is away. Mike wants to know if they could stay with Torgo for the night cause the midday sun might actually go down any second and after 20 minutes of not talking and going back and forth to Mike and Torgo, Torgo agrees.

CUE THE TORGO THEME!

Once inside, the Family finds a picture of The Master and his Dog. They stare at this painting and talk about it for another 35 minutes. Meanwhile my brain has escaped from my head and is now trying to find a sane person to adopt it.

Torgo makes some odd comments about The Master. He's dead but he isn't dead but he's dead but in a special kind of way but he isn't. Oh and The Master said it was Ok the family stayed with them. Ok then, back to staring at the painting. Then they hear some horrible noise, so Mike goes to check it out. The family poodle Pepe decides to check it out too, which wasn't a good idea cause he ends up scared stiff...literally!

Mike goes back to break the news to Maggie and not so much Debbie, which causes Debbie to go look for Pepe on her own. So now Mom and Dad have to go on a hunt for Debbie and she reappears with the Master's dog!! GASP!!..I guess.

Debbie tells Mom and Dad that she found the dog in the backyard where a bunch of people are just hanging out, so they go investigate it, Scooby Doo style! There we find some chicks laying upright against some posts and The Master laying down on a slab of stone. This freaks the family out and decide to leave.

But the car won't start! You don't say!! So they HAVE to stay now, much to Maggie dismay cause Torgo was flirting with her while Mike was checking out the car. And Torgo's flirting style...well needs some work.

Torgo then joins the snoozefest in the backyard and yells at everyone that he's had enough of them and that he doesn't want any of them, giving us the impression that he wants to bone the chicks, or that he possibly did already, which is creepy and I'm sorry for putting that thought in your head. Once he's done with that, he peeps in on Maggie getting naked, at least what counted as naked in the 60's. Realizing that he really has a hard-on for Maggie, Torgo knocks Mike out and ties him to a post.

Soon The Master wakes up, does a little chant thing, and wakes the chicks up, who turn out to be his wives. I would make a Mormon joke here but those have been made in other reviews, so I won't go that route. Anyway, the wives have a discussion on what to do with the Family and I noticed that each actress just said one line each, then the editor (there was an editor?) just jumbled the lines together and looped them. It's quite annoying.

The topic? What exactly should they do with the wife and daughter? Some say kill, some say don't. And I guess the oldest wife is all like "let them go cause you all suck donkey balls", at least that was the impression I got when everyone suddenly jumped down her throat. So The Master decides to kill the oldest wife, then decides to kill Torgo for allowing the family to stay.

So The Master gets Torgo who is passed out somewhere and it takes him a good 5 minutes to get up. The Master says he's gonna kill him, Torgo is like "no", The Master says "Yes", then gives him the Donnie Darko stare until Torgo falls down.

While this is happening, all the wives decide to wrestle, which goes on for a perverted amount of time. And there's a scene where one of the wives finds Mike, makes out with him while he's knocked out, then slaps the shit out of him. I'm guessing, going by the stories I heard that went on during the filming, the actress enjoyed doing that.

Finally, The Master appears and breaks up G.L.O.W (Remember the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling?) and decides to kill Torgo by burning his hand off. Then he decides to kill the oldest wife by slapping the shit out of her. Lot of slapping going on in this movie.

Mike finally wakes up and rushes back to the house where he decides to wake up Maggie cause he's got something to say to her. And that is they should escape now in the desert with a horse with no name. (That's two song references in the same paragraph. I rule.)

So now it's The Master & his Wives looking for the family, who is stumbling around in the desert aimlessly.

I forgot because my memory is already erasing this movie that every now and then, I guess has "comic relief", the cops would stumble upon the teenagers making out in the car. Oh and to also state that in the direction the family went nothing is there. This is suppose to be creepy and scary but only in a good movie would that be true. So now you know, there are cops who think the family aren't around cause nothing is down there.

So they continue walking around until Maggie actually does a weird cartoon flop on the ground (complete with her feet in the air afterwards) and says she can't go on. I'm not sure what her problem is, I would rather risk the fatigue than get killed by a bunch of people in a cult that worship Hands or "Manos" or whatever the hell is going on.

So they get the big idea to go back to the house cause obviously they'll never return there ever again as long as they live. So...shockingly The Master is there and Mike tries to shoot him, but nothing doing. I guess The Master is kinda sorta dead.

Then...it's the next day, week, month, year, what the fuck ever. Two chicks are driving and we see them driving for another 4 and a half hours until they stumble upon the little House o'Fun! But in Torgo's place is Mike! And we get a shot of the wives, asleep at the posts, a shot of Maggie as a wife and then...

OH DEAR GOD!! THE MASTER HAS A CHILD BRIDE!!!! I'M GOING TO STAB MY EYES OUT!!!

Ok, I'm better now. But still. Ick. Anyway, Mike takes care of the place while the Master is away, yada yada yada...roll credits.

And during the credits we revisit all the wonderful scenes from this movie, which just made me cry. Then we get "THE END?" which means there was suppose to be a sequel. There wasn't an official one, but if you wanna hear something scary, someone WROTE one. Read the MST'ed version here.

Is this the worst movie ever made? Possibly. I have seen what could be considered worst, but this is up there. I give it some credit cause the story is good, it was just done all wrong. I think someone like Tarantino could take this movie and make it good and shocking. Hell, I hear it is his favorite movie. Odd, huh?
I should've cheated and just watched the MST3K version.