Monster (2008)
Oh Asylum! You Never Fail At Failing
Sarah and Erin-Two sisters off in Japan making a documentary about global warming when a monster attacks. I group them together cause frankly, they act the same.
Justin-Some dude they meet up after the monster attacks. Doesn't make it past the 30 minute mark.
The Camera-A Panasonic to be exact. Its a character because it's gets mentioned every fucking moment in this movie, plus it's equally annoying.
The Monster-Attacks Japan randomly. Looks to be some squid/octopus thing.
Since the last time I checked in on Asylum, they've added some new movies to their ever expanding library. One of which is titled (I'm not kidding) "Transmorphers". Seriously, Asylum? "Transmorphers"? But that's child play when it comes to today's featured movie "Monster (2008)". I include the year because there’s ANOTHER movie named "Monster" from the late 70's. Oddly enough, that one is about a "monster" causing a rampage through a town and supposedly, it's based on "real events".

Oh yes. This "Monster" is a true account of a monster attacking Tokyo. It says so right on the cover. (Linked cause the images are huge.)

So what's "Monster" ripping off? In case you can't tell, it's "Cloverfield". This seems like a stupid movie to rip off cause anybody can do it. Hell, I could do it, and I don't have fancy editing equipment or a movie studio. But things like common sense or "it's too stupid" don't exist over at Asylum, so let's get this over with.

We're told through a series of title cards that an earthquake hit Tokyo, Japan on January 17th, killing a bunch of people. We get news clips of people reporting on the earthquake, then another title card informs us that this wasn't an earthquake, it was something else! Man, this is starting to feel like a movie made by a conspiracy theory wacko.

Then it's established that what we're about to see is "amateur" video footage of what really went down on Tokyo. By the way, did you notice the date? Doing some info about this movie, I see it was made in 2007, which is when the early teaser trailers for "Cloverfield" was released. So they're not even making a rip off of a movie, they're making a rip off of a movie BASED ON A TEASER TRAILER. I've never been so scared in my life.

The video footage starts and we meet Sarah and Erin. Sarah (I think) is doing some documentary on global warming and they're flying to Japan to film some stuff. Why global warming and why Japan, it's not really clear, but none of it is really important. One thing I thought was odd was Sarah said that Erin had nice hair. Now, I'm not a hair stylist, and not a person to judge a woman's hair, but I don't see what was so spectacular about her hair. Whatever. Just know that 10 minutes is wasted watching two girls drive to the airport, spend time IN the airport, then eventually landing in Japan.
Yeah nice hair. That must've taken, what, 20 seconds to do? Color me impressed.
Just cause you're related to a famous director, doesn't mean you can make a film.
"OHH! D-U-T-Y! I get it now. Teeheehee!"
They walk around Japan and we get a shot of the city, pre-destroyed by the upcoming "Monster". The next day, they meet up with some Japanese dude and give an interview about global warming. None of this is interesting and has nothing to do with what's about to happen.

Finally, the monster attacks the city and the movie takes a turn for the annoying. From this point on, the "footage" were seeing is suppose to be damaged, so every fucking 20 seconds the scene gets scrambled, or colors appear for no reason, the sound gets fucked up, there's little digital feedback, everything you can think of. And this goes on THROUGH THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE!

AND to make matters worse is Sarah and Erin, at times during the "footage", they shut off the camera. This is represented by 10-20 seconds of black. I get that they're trying to be cute with the whole "Hey, this REALLY is footage shot by people being terrorized" thing, but if they waited until "Cloverfield" was released and saw how they handled it, they wouldn't have such an annoying rip off on their hands.

So Sarah, Erin, and the Japanese dude they were interviewing make it to the basement of this building they were in. They ask all the guys there if they speak English and trying to figure out what's going on. Except for the fact that 90% of giant monsters attacking cities take place in Japan, I don't get why they felt the need to have it take place in Tokyo. They easily could've stayed in L.A. I mean L.A is the opposite of New York, which is where "Cloverfield" takes place, so why not? This all turns out to be ironic (or annoying) anyway, but I'll get to that later.

Finally, some dude named Justin steps forward and says he's American! YAY!!! Justin tells the girls they need to get to the American Embassy to fly them the fuck out of the city. One more annoying complaint about this movie: every 10 seconds or so, at least one character in the movie mentions the camera. Or say the word "document". Here, Justin asks if they're gonna film the entire time. Sarah is like "until the batteries run out". Yeah, that totally explains the plot hole of extended battery life on hand held camcorders.
Say what you want, the director knew who this movie's audience was.
The truth behind scrambled porn.
Oh darn. Wait, what's stopping them from showing the heavily damnaged unviewable tapes anyway?
Yet again, say what you want, this movie has excellent cinematography.
They make it outside and they see total utter chaos! Well, they do, we don't see shit. Then something happens where everyone starts shaking and suddenly Justin is dead. Erin (I think) begs Sarah to stop filming fucking everything, but Sarah wants to "document" this event.

The gals take to the streets and boy for a monster attacking, everyone is pretty fucking calm. Like they just filmed a part of town during the day while everyone's going about their business. Pretty much the rest of the movie from this point on is just them running around Tokyo trying to get to the American Embassy, and running into people who claim they don't know English, but the next minute they understand what the girls are saying and start speaking clear English.

At one point, both Sarah and Erin make little video diaries about themselves in case they die during this. The only thing interesting to point out here is that Erin (I think) is a virgin. Why is that interesting? I don't know, I needed to find something interesting to write about. Oh and Erin says there was a monster but Sarah doesn't believe her, so Erin rewinds the tape and shows her this:
Do you see a monster there? I don't. But they do and now they realize they're in a fucking heap of trouble.

During some part that I missed cause of all the "messed up footage" and the 20 seconds of black, Sarah and Erin end up underground. They run around, trying to find a way out, they smell gas, and even come in contact with the monster below ground. At this point, we haven't gotten a clear shot of the monster.

They find a way out of the underground thingy they were in and they start again roaming around Tokyo. Also, it's now January 18th. "Cloverfield" is opening up in theaters and me and my fiancee Felicia is at B-Fest. What a day.

Anyway, they climb up on a rooftop and survey "the damage" which is really just super imposed explosions on buildings that don't show any injury whatsoever. At least they didn't show 9/11 footage to represent...something.
"Yep, there's a monster over there. Better watch out or something."
"What?! We can't pick January 18th?? Just cause 'that other movie' opens on that day?"
Little Known Fact:
This was Ingmar Bergman's final film.
The Smoke Monster (From Lost) Visits Japan
I think the actresses tried to save this movie by adding some context, cause here Erin is acting like she's totally going mental and talks about staying on the rooftop cause it's so peaceful and doesn't care if the monster walks by or something. But "sane" Sarah talks her out of it, so back to the streets we go.

They find water and eventually a restaurant with its doors open and wander in. They find some candy bars and eat that then they hear a noise! GASP! Could it be a tiny sized monster??? Well...no. It's just an old Japanese guy with a box cutter. Thankfully, there's also a girl there who speaks English and stops the old guy from box cutting Sarah and Erin's face off.

Japanese Girl, after referencing the camera, tells them they think it's some old Japanese legend attacking the town. What, Godzilla? And wouldn't you know it? The monster attacks the restaurant. At least I think that's what happens. I couldn't tell with all the digital imprints and "scratched" footage that's thrown in my face every .0002 seconds. Oh and the mic gets ruined and we can't hear what Sarah is saying. Beautiful, the rest of the movie is gonna be silent.

Ok, no. Eventually, they put the sound back on and the old dude is dead. Young Girl stays with him and Sarah and Erin take off again. They find a news crews outside and try to interview Sarah and Erin but there's a little language barrier problem, so they say "screw it" and run away. I'm serious. That happens.
Better watch out or else he'll cut open the top of your box!
Remember kids: Box Cutters are not toys. If you even hold one, you will die.
(The More You Know)
FINALLY, they spot the American Embassy and...it resembles a house that looks like it was knocked down 20 years ago. But they claim it's from the monster, so what do I know? They cry for-freakin-ever about the Embassy not being there and they find a walkie-talkie. Erin tries to use it and instead of listening to the person talking back she throws the walkie-talkie away.

Now, they have no idea where to go or what to do and all of this not knowing what to do is shot in real time. They decide to continue their exploration of the "ruined" city and head into town. They run into a small group of Japanese people and they all team up to go to somewhere. They hear the monster coming towards them (What are the odds the monster is gonna backtrack and re-demolish the same place?) so they run into a child molesters van. And the monster picks up the van and throws it. This is represented by whoever is holding the camera now just turning the camera around with their hands while the group just throw themselves around the van.

The "shaking" stops and they get out. What are the fuckin' odds that the van would be placed right side up AND in the same exact spot it was in??? What are they I ask you???? Well, all this shaking killed one dude, so Sarah and Erin are like "well, anytime someone dies, we gotta leave them and continue our adventures". So they head into the downtown district.

Oh hey! They got some extras to run around in the background to act "scared"! Whatta ya know?? They run into some guy who claims to be a doctor, but I refuse to believe a doctor would be dressed like this.
Unless he's from the M.A.S.H unit.
The "Doctor" treats a wound Sarah got somewhere by putting cocaine, or powdered sugar, on the wound. Then he tells them that they're just gonna nuke the entire city. Hey! Nukes and giant monsters! Two things Japan is use to by now!! But Sarah and Erin freak out and is like "we gotta find some army dudes to take us out of here!"

They find them, but they're busy shooting at the monster, who finally makes a clear appearance. It looks like some giant squid or octopus thing. Maybe it's just looking for it's babies, which were eaten by the occupants of this city. NOW you see the real reason why I don't eat sushi? I don't want some giant squid to come knocking down my house looking for it's child and they find it in my stomach. Jokes on you, vegetarians!

(Course that means at some given time, a giant monstrous cow is gonna find it's way here, but I think I can take on a giant cow. What kind of threat does a cow pose? It's gonna shoot milk all over me? OOH! I'm scared.)

ANYWAY! The monster attacks the army and swings one of its tentacles at Erin (I think). Sarah freaks the fuck out and finds Erin, dead. At this point the "ruined footage" effects go into double overtime here. Finally, we see Sarah hugging the lifeless body of Erin and then it all goes black.
Billy Jean's not my lover. She's just a girl who says I am the one.
The Day The Sushi Fought Back!
A title card informs us that the two girls were never found and the footage was posted on the internet by their father. Waiiiiit. Wouldn't the camera and all this "footage" be near the girls? I don't get this at all. Did whoever initially find the footage go "oh hey a camera and some tapes. They possibly can't belong to the two female corpses nearby." Unless the monster ate every single dead body it killed and left all the inanimate objects. I don't know, why am I thinking about it so damn much?

I stuck around for the credits to see who played what and while I learned that half of the cast pretty much played themselves (with the exception of Erin, whose last name is Sullivan. Why they gave her the same last name as Sarah remains another mystery in this stupid movie), we learn that the entire filming location was...fucking L.A!!! Which I don't get cause we clearly saw Japanese signs, and even the streets looked like downtown Tokyo. Unless there's a part of L.A that looks exactly LIKE Tokyo, I'm guessing the filmmakers forgot to include this in the location credit. And if not, it brings me to what I said earlier, why not just have the monster attack L.A and skip all this language barrier bullshit? I mean, fuck, there's enough multi-cultural people in L.A to HAVE a language barrier there. That would be more amusing to me, one minute they run into a dude speaking Spanish, the next run into someone speaking Chinese. Oh well whatever.

Oh and during the ending credits, we get snippets of this documentary they were filming with Sarah asking people what they think of global warming. Ugh, what's with the global warming shit? Isn't it enough we got Al Gore and Leonardo Di Capro saying we're gonna all drown to death any day now? Just shut up about the global warming thing! It didn't even figure in to the story. Unless they're saying that global warming caused this monster, then that's just fuckin' stupid. Let's stop thinking about that as well.

And finally, as with "Snakes on a Train" their ending credits have goofy messages written among the "serious" credits. AND their visual effects person was named Tiny Juggernaut. Bitch.
So this movie could've been a decent rip off if they didn't feel the need to throw in all the "ruined footage" effect, and have all the characters mention the camera every damn second throughout the movie. As I stated before, it's not too hard to make your own rip off of "Cloverfield". Just get a camera, some footage of your city of your choice, some props, and people to go "Oh no a monster! AHH" and viola! Monster movie!
Be sure to give me a story by credit.
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