Rabid Grannies
Great Title. Stupid Movie.
Victoria & Elizabeth-The rabid Grannies of the title. Except everyone calls them Aunties. They're 93 years old and apparently worth billions, so the following people are waiting for them to die, at least before they became possessed by demons.
Fred & Jessica-He runs a condom factor and she's 20 years younger than him. She kinda regrets marrying him.
John, Helen, Gilbert, and Susie-I call them The Cookie Family cause they fought over a box of cookies when we're introduced to him. John is a coward and Helen is a bitch of sorts. The kids are brats.
Harvey-He manufactures weapons and apparently likes to start wars between countries. He'd make a great President.
Bertha-She's a virgin. That's about it for her.
Erica & Rachael-Lesbians. Well Rachael is possibly bi-sexual. Apparently Erica "bought" Rachael.
Roger-A major asshole. Of course he shacks up with the hottest girl in this entire movie.
Percival-A priest who apparently "loves" children. The less said about this, the better.
Radu-The Grannies butler. He puts up with a lot of crap from this family.
Alice-I thought she was a major character since she's on the cover, but nope. A maid who is constantly bossed around by her mum.
Alice's Mum-An ugly hose beast.
Christopher-He doesn't appear in this movie, but he starts the whole thing cause he's an outcast of this family cause he's a Satanist. Like that's a reason to be a black sheep anymore.
You'd think with a title like "Rabid Grannies" it would be a crazy off the wall kooky movie about grandmothers being rabid and doing rabid things. But I'm sad to say that it isn't. It's really just a boring story about inheritance wrapped around possessed grannies, who aren't even really grannies but more like Aunties.

Two sisters named Victoria and Elizabeth are celebrating their 93rd birthdays (I guess they're suppose to be twins but they don't look alike at all) and they're having a big party at their mega huge castle. They have invited their family to the party and we get small subplots as we're introduced to each family member.

The one thing all the family members have in common is they want the two old bats to die so they can leave them with millions of dollars. Each family member has different ideas on what to do with the money. Fred wants to build a better condom factory. Harvey wants to make more weapons and start wars. The Cookie Family want to take a nice vacation somewhere. The lesbians want to get a house so they can have sex 24/7. The priest wants to donate it to the Church. They never said what Bertha and Roger wanted with the money. I guess just keep it.

After spending 20 minutes introducing the family members, and showing that the two sisters have some compassion by giving a blind guy money AND a bottle of wine (kinda defeats the purpose, don't ya think?), we spend another 10 minutes with Alice and her ugly ass mum in the kitchen plucking chickens for dinner. I really wanna know who Alice's dad is, so I can see the kind of man that would get on top of THAT.
"Wait, you're Ben Affleck! Give me back my booze, you untalented ass clown!"
This is the only thing that's been between her legs in 25 years.
Man, Hercule Pirot really let himself go.
Photographic evidence that in every lesbian couple one's butt ugly and one's hot as hell.
Trade you that calculator for the Screech Sex tape.
The family arrives and are shown to their rooms. The lesbians are split apart because they don't wanna spark controversy. Rachael and Roger kinda flirt with each other before going off to their separate rooms. But when it's time for dinner, Roger knocks on Rachael's door and they flirt for a bit before Roger starts molesting Rachael. Rachael realizes she hasn't have a good cock in awhile, so she accepts his offer.

Down at dinner, Erica realizes something happened between Rachael and Roger and is pissed off about it. Everyone else kisses the two old ladies ass throughout dinner. Someone arrives at the gate and Alice's Mum sends Alice to see who it is. It turns out to be some creepy looking lady. She hands Alice a package and tells her to give it to the old ladies, then she leaves.

Alice delivers it and one of the old ladies feels the need to tell us every little thing that's going on. "Dearies, someone that we do not know has come to our gate and handed Alice a package for us for our 93rd birthday! We do not know who it is from! And I totally just pissed in my Depends. Oh-ho-ho-ho!"
Damn James Bond is one smooth mutha.
"You tell anyone where I put your hand and I'll cut your eyeballs out with-WHAT?! Oh, nothing. Nothing..."
"The casting for Wicked is down the street, ma'am."
The old ladies finally open the package and inside is a wooden box full of nothing. Reading the card they see it's from Christopher, the black sheep of the family because he's a Satanist. The box then starts to emit some steam, which somehow knows to go inside the old ladies wine glasses. When they drink their wine, they look dazed and in need of some Alka-Seltzer.

When Erica asks what's wrong, the grannies grow super long ass nails and get all deformed looking. Then they eat her. Not, like...that cause she's a lesbian. But actually eat her. As you would think, this freaks out the family and they scatter throughout the house.
"I can't believe we ate the whole thing."
I have a headache THIS big, but I took two Excedrin...
Alice comes in to see what's going on and she's thrown through a window. And since we never see her again, I guess this kills her, even though I've seen people thrown through windows in movies all my life and they've survived, so I dunno.

Here the movie grinds to a halt. The rest of the movie is just groups of people arguing with each other and occasionally getting eaten by the grannies. For some reason, Roger and Jessica team up and try to escape by Jessica's car. Even though Roger drove...I dunno. Anyway, they get into Jessica's jeep and one of the grannies is waiting there. She kills Roger and is about to kill Jessica when she says she'll let her go if she sings Happy Birthday. Jessica does so while sobbing the whole time and the grannie lets her go.

But Grannie possesses Roger's dead body and drives the jeep forward, running Jessica over. I didn't think her singing was that bad, but whatever.
This is why you should never let old ladies drive, when when they're possessed.
In a bedroom, John, Helen, Percival, one of the kids, and Rachael are locked in. They fight and argue until they realize that one of the other kids, Susie, is missing. Realizing this after 10 minutes (I guess they won't be up for Parents of the Year anytime soon), Helen and Rachael leave to look for her. For some odd reason, they take Gilbert with them.

Susie is looking for her parents when one of the Grannies calls her into a toy room. She sits on her lap and starts to attack her. When Helen and Rachael arrive, they find the Grannie eating her! Helen freaks out and clings onto Gilbert, who is temporarily possessed and bites off two of her fingers. Rachael, who is keeping cool throughout this whole thing, grabs everyone and runs into a chapel that's set up for some reason in the house.
"Come play with us Danny. Well...just me. My sister is in the can."
A depressed Freddy Kruger was found dead, dressed in drag, and clutching onto his final victim.
"I said GO WITH CHRIST!"
Fred, Harvey, and Bertha are locked in a room too and Fred is drinking himself silly. More arguments arise until John shows up. Even more arguing goes on until they decide to leave but not before looking for the others.

In typical Scooby Doo fashion, they split up. Fred and Harvey check out the cellar while Bertha and John check in the kitchen. Fred and Harvey find nothing, but a small ass window they decide for some ass reason to leave through. Fred insists on going first but much like Winnie The Pooh he gets his big behind stuck. While trying to pull him out, Harvey hears the Grannies arriving. He leaves Fred stuck in the window and Fred is eaten by the Grannies.
Ugh! I didn't wanna see Fat Hitler from down here.
Smack that ass! Watch yourself! Smack that ass! Show me what yer worth!
Harvey snaps and goes into Rambo mode. He opens his trunk (which means he got outside somehow and he easily could've just left and got help but that would've made too much sense) and pulls out a shot gun and a AK-47. He bursts into the house, shooting things up for no reason, until one of the grannies arrives. Harvey shoots her full of lead but nothing happens. Then another grannie arrives in a suit of armor (HAHAHA!) and he stupidly tries to shoot her. They both cut him in half and he goes flying across the room.

John and Bertha arrive at the kitchen to find Alice's Mum's head in a boiling pot. Radu is alive still and they take him along to look for the others. They find Harvey cut in pieces and John gets an idea: the box with the evil steam. If they destroy it, the grannies will go back to normal.

Percival leaves the room and the grannies find him. After bickering for 10 minutes (Rejected titled: Rabid Bickering), they convince Percival to kill himself, which he does. I guess he was sick of this movie as well. John, Bertha, and Radu find Percival and Bertha freaks out saying she hopes the Grannies burn in hell. They arrive and instantly kill Radu. John sends Bertha to the chapel with the box. While standing up to the grannies, they try to see if he's cut out to join the Circus de Soleil. He failed the audition.
Sir Rabid of Grannie joins the Round Table!
Another yoga accident
or
"Hey, I can finally suck my own dick!"
Bertha arrives at the chapel and she stabs at the wooden box of evil with a crucifix. Sure enough, once the box is destroyed the Grannies return to normal. The police arrive and the Grannies are confused and possibly sick from eating their family members. Helen has gone completely insane in the membrane and is committed to a asylum. Rachael decides to take care of Gilbert until his mum is all better. Gilbert is excited to live with a lesbian. And Bertha?

She's in a taxi somewhere going somewhere and she looks all possessed like the creepy old lady from the beginning. She decides the taxi driver would make a tasty lunch so she eats him. Then it ends. Um..ok?
Wow! I didn't know Amanda Plummer was in this.
Despite this being a Troma release and being called Rabid Grannies, this movie was very disappointing. It was boring in parts and there wasn't enough Rabid Grannies for my tastes. I was glad that the annoying people in the movie got killed though. And that a lesbian survived. Here's a puzzler: will the Grannies have to go to jail for something they didn't realize they were doing cause they were possessed? They'll just have to ask Percival. Once they crap him out.
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