Oversexed Rugsucker From Mars
The Only Horny Vacuum From Mars Movie...For Now
Tom-A British guy who likes to whack off while watching his (female) neighbor. Gets anally sucktioned by the vacuum.
Beth-Tom's overbearing nagging wife who only wants the fine things in life and some sex. Ends up getting her blood drained by the vacuum.
Vernon-A homeless guy who falls for the vacuum.
Rena-Tom's neighbor who likes to shave and do aerobics naked in front of her huge open window.
Charlie-Rena's annoying yoga loving boyfriend.
Lt. Klane-He sounds like Humphrey Bogart doing an impression of Columbo.
The Martians-Three little clay animated figures, who are naked, that come to Earth and bring to life a vacuum.
Dusty-The vacuum that stole the heart of Vernon and rapes everyone else that crosses it's path.
The movie starts and some aliens from Mars lands on Earth. They claim Earth is really a science project from Mars and it's been 10,000 years since they last checked in on us so now they're checking in on us. They land near Vernon, who's sleeping on the ground covered in newspapers and next to a garbage can with a vacuum cleaner sticking out.

The martians, who are clay animated and naked for some reason, are disappointed with the mess they find. They decide to mate a human with a vacuum cleaner to help with the mess. Makes sense. In a way that doesn't. So the martians take the vacuum that's just sitting there and put a toy heart inside it, making it alive? I guess?

Vernon wakes up and almost immediately starts fucking the vacuum. I guess he only fucks things with beating toy hearts. We shift gears and go to Tom's house and Tom is in his bathroom beating off to Rena across the street shaving her legs while naked. Tom's nagging wife Beth repeatedly knocks on the door to see what he's doing.

Beth is annoying cause she expects things like maids and club memberships and a vacuum cleaner from Neiman-Marcus. Tom however states they're broke and can't afford such things. Beth insists on getting a vacuum cleaner from there and Tom heads off to where ever he works.

But first he decides to sabotage Rena's car so it don't start and he has to give her a ride to her job as a secretary for a law firm. This ploy actually works. Hm, maybe I should try that.

Meanwhile, Vernon and his vacuum cleaner, whom he names Dusty, is roaming the streets of L.A. He wanders into a building and is told he's gonna be used for a "My Fair Lady" type experiment, where a doctor will turn Vernon from a bum to an acceptable member of society.
Man, this movie is a trip to sit through. The problem is, it's a funny idea that most likely you have to be high and/or drunk to like. And it'd be only funny if it was a short film (like Attack of the Killer Refrigerator) but making it an hour and 20 minute movie is a bit of a stretch. When you have that much time to kill, you only have so many jokes to make before the whole thing gets a bit tiring.
But still, I do know no one took this movie seriously while filming it and it was just for fun. And it is a fun movie. This is definitely something you throw on during a party. What kind of party? Either a friendly get together. Or a housewarming party.
Cause you see...vacuum cleaner. New house.
Yeah.
Read The Reviews!
Great, an actors name is "Billybob". This doesn't bode well with me.
Y'know come to think of it, the game Simon always DID look like a UFO. Hmm...
Whenever I do movies like "Gayniggers From Outer Space" or the porno version of "Alice in Wonderland", people often ask me "Is this for real? How can I see this?" I never thought I'd be asking myself such questions while watching the movie itself.

I tried to do some research cause I have a few theories on the making of this movie but after a Google search, all I could find were movie reviews, and here I am contributing to another one. The theory I have is based on the fact this movie was written, produced, and directed by a guy named Michael Paul Girard, who appears to be in a band called Ray Zone Day. Ray Zone Day's lead singer is a chick, who plays the lead female role in this movie. Also, Ray Zone Day's music is heard throughout this movie AND they're even featured in the middle of the movie for no apparent reason.

So my theory is this band wanted to do a movie soundtrack but cause they're a shitty L.A band in the '80's, Harold Ramis isn't exactly gonna be knocking their door down, the only way to do such a thing is to make the movie them damn selves. I call this the Portishead Theory, even though Portishead did it, successfully I might add, years after this movie was released. Maybe this is how Portishead got the idea.

Or the band were just junkies and wrote this movie while high on something and now this is the result. I call this the David Lee Roth Theory. Anyway, I stalled enough, you wanna know about a movie called "Oversexed Rugsucker From Mars" and by god I will tell you all about it.

Things kickoff with a pretty clever title sequence. The names of the actors, oh sorry, "actors" appear in letters cut out from newspaper letters. Then a vacuum comes and sucks them up. This goes on for the entire credit sequence. Like I said, it's pretty clever but the only complaint I had was whoever was running the vacuum made sure to suck up every last letter, even if it meant having the camera linger on for way too long while this vacuum sucks up a tiny piece of paper.
Ok, PLEASE tell me that you are actually seeing this and I'm not crazy and posting just a black image.
Same for this. Although I dunno what would be worse, this actually happening or me imagining it.
"We'll accept a smelly hairy bum covered in bird shit, but a vacuum cleaner? HEAVENS NO!!!"
Jeez. The only neighbors I have is a dude who walks around in his underwear and a lady that loves smoking.
Tom is on his way to work and/or home when some random guy with a boombox comes up to Tom and asks if he can sell him anything. Tom asks for a vacuum and the guy says "Ok!" and takes Dusty, which was sitting outside the doctor's office and gives it to Tom.

Uh oh! Wackiness is indeed going to ensue!

Tom gives the vacuum to Beth, who goes "It'll do", then wants to give Tom a blowjob. But cause he used suntan lotion to jerk off earlier, "it" tastes like so and wants him to wash it off. Instead, he stares out the window and jerks off some more to Rena doing aerobics.

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Beth decides to make some tea with some aphrodisiac but drops it, making a mess. Beth uses the vacuum to pick it up and, yes, the Wackiness can now ensue. This gets the very much alive vacuum horny and not only does it have it's way with Beth, it sucks her blood dry. I'm gonna point out now that this is the only time it does that. I guess "Oversexed Bloodrugsucker From Mars" was too long or something.

Tom finds Beth dead and does everything in his power to not celebrate. He invites Rena over to talk over it and Rena mentions she has a boyfriend, which upsets Tom. Speaking of being upset, Vernon is upset that Dusty has left him and roams the street looking for the vacuum. The doctor did take Vernon to the YMCA to shower up, then get a shave and a haircut, then buys him a tux. NOW he's an acceptable member of society. Well, minus all the fucking a vacuum cleaner stuff.

We get a glimpse in Rena's life and find out her boyfriend Charlie is a yoga health nut and doesn't believe in sex or meat, which drives Rena crazy. Charlie is made out to be the most annoying character in this movie, with his constant yoga and non-meat eating ways.

Tom is alone at home, picturing Rena and Charlie having the rough sex they sure aren't having when he drops some more of the aphrodisiac tea and uses the same vacuum to clean it up. Again, it comes alive and is horny so Tom becomes the object of it's desire. And until you see a movie where a vacuum anally rapes a guy, you haven't lived.

The cops show up at Tom's cause they blame him for Beth's death, but he shouts out to Rena that it's the vacuum. Oddly enough she believes him and asks her lawyer boss to take Tom's case. The only way the lawyer will take the case is if Rena "takes some dictation" if you get my meaning. And yes, they use this joke in the movie.

Later that night, Rena is at home and after kicking Charlie out, she rocks out with her vibrating cock out (the only way she gets an orgasm now a days) when there's a knock at the door. Turns out it's Dusty! The vacuum barges in and chases Rena around. Eventually, it corners her on the stairs and proceeds to hump her. Again, you haven't lived...
I know this is hard to see, due to the crappy camera equipment, but this is an image of a vacuum cleaner raping a guy.
"Oh and I need to sue my hair sylist too."
Wow a desk with legs! Where do you get one of those?
Again, if this is just a black screen, please let me know.
Rena goes to Lt. Klane, the cop in charge of Beth's murder. He believes her story about a vacuum raping her so why doesn't he believe Tom? I guess it's cause women NEVER lie. Nope. So Klane puts out an APB on the vacuum and we get a HILARIOUS 20 minute scene of the following images:

-The vacuum hiding out in various spots in L.A, running from the cops.
-Klane having Rena look at a lineup of different vacuum cleaners. This would be funny the first or second time, but they do this scene FIVE times.
-Vernon walking around, depressed.
-The vacuum, for no reason whatsoever, taking a shit. Yep, you haven't lived.

Dusty and Vernon finally reunite and proceed to hump and do various other things a couple in love do, like roll around on the grass and go out on a lake in a paddle boat. At some point, Vernon found a bride's veil and put it on Dusty, then they proceed to check into a hotel. Hot stuff.
"Yes we're really cops. See, we're wearing hats! And trench coats!"
Dusty must've gotten a job at Taco Bell.
"And these can be yours IF The Price is Right!"
Special guest director: Zapruder.
But suddenly, Vernon and Dusty is on some couch outside by a train yard. Klane and his partner found them and want to take them in for questioning. Vernon thinks his doctor, who isn't doing very good with his experiment, sent them to separate Vernon and Dusty. Vernon reacts to this by running away, leaving Dusty.

Klane chases after Vernon and the chase ends up on shopping carts. Don't ask, it's hard to explain without ripping a hole in the space time continuum. But Klane's partner struggles with the vacuum as it comes alive. But before it can rape the guy, a train comes and runs him over.

Klane catches Vernon after he crashed into a pole. Now we're able to have a crazy witness for The Trial of Tom! Before the trial, Rena visits Tom and Tom confesses he messed up her car and she basically says "oh you scamp" and admits she's in love with him for whatever reason. Rena breaks up with Charlie when she finds out she's pregnant with the vacuum's baby and Charlie more or less calls her a whore.

At the trial, the D.A tries to make it look like Tom killed Beth so he can be with Rena and Rena was in on the whole thing. Everybody is against Rena and Tom until Rena gives birth to a deux ex machina and the baby looks like a cabbage patch doll with the body of a dustbuster. It looks like that cause that's exactly what it is.

Vernon goes crazy and steals the, er, baby and shoots Charlie for no reason, only to kill the annoying guy I guess. Vernon runs away and finds Dusty just chillin' somewhere. They run off and hide out in some house where the police surround it and a shootout occurs.

In between these scenes are bits of Klane doing a narration about his life and he reveals he's married to a sheep. Ok.

Anyway.
SPOILER ALERT: They suck.
If the Jackass crew designed cars.
I....no words.
Barn of the Blood Llama?
Klane takes a shot at Vernon and Dusty gets pissed and jumps out the window and ends up getting shot. Vernon cries out NOOO!!! and simply walks away, carrying Dusty's body. The aliens return and take Rena's Cabbage Patch Dustbuster.

So epilogue anybody?

Rena got a record contract and is now the lead singer of a shitty local band in L.A who made a movie only to be featured in it a billion times.

Tom wrote all the things that just happened into a book and became a millionaire. He's thinking about letting his new girlfriend write the music for the movie version.

Vernon killed himself. See, who says there's no such thing has a happy ending?
Sorry, not available from Amazon.
Go figure.