The Adventures of Sharkboy & Lavagirl
Why You Do This To Me, Robert?
Max-Dreamer! He's nothing but a dreamer! And also seems to think if he tells wild stories about sharkboys and girls made from lava in school, he'll be easily accepted. Ha!
Sharkboy-The most annoying kid I've ever seen in a movie (At least today). Seems to have some anger management problems.
Lavagirl-I thought she was pretty cool. Even though she's hot! HA!! Cause of the lava...eh.
Mr. Electricidad/Mr. Electric-Both played by Georgo Lopez. The first is Max's teacher, who seems to be an Ok guy. The second is some clock shaped guy with neon lights for arms who's in charge of the planet's electricity.
Linus/Minus-Both very annoying kids who torment Max. Then on the planet, he decides to take it over by ending dreaming for ever.
Max's Parents-Played by David Arquette and Kristin Davis. I think they filmed their parts in one day. Although I am a little excited that David is now on my site. Was only a matter of time.
Tobar-Some robot Max and his dad tried to built one day, but gave up. He appears on the planet and helps Max and his made-up friends.
Oh, what a pain it is to put this movie on my site. Not only because I had to suffer through it (and Lord did I suffer), but because it was made by one of my favorite directors Robert Rodriguez. So it is with a heavy heart that I must introduce Mr. Rodriguez to my site.

Crappy B-Movie Site, Mr. Rodriguez. Mr. Rodriguez, Crappy B-Movie Site. Why, oh why did you make this movie?

The story behind this movie is this: his son Racer came up with the story, Robert thought "Hm, that's cool! Let's write a screenplay, son!" No offense, but I think having a kid in charge of a major movie production is a bad idea. And for you nay-sayers, I'm going to let my 9-year-old sister Jenny write the review for this movie. Take it away, Jenny.

OH MY GODZ...Sharkboy is CUUUTE!!! EWW NO! He's a boy! YUCKY!!! Max looks like Gilbert from school! He picks his nose!! YUCK!! Boys are icky!! I'm bored. Where's my Bratz doll??

Ok, obviously that was a bad idea. Don't let kids write anything. (The More You Know...)

We start off with Max narrating the origins of Sharkboy. He works with his dad in the middle of the ocean taking care of sharks or some crap. Sharkboy (The dad seriously calls him this, nice job naming your kid dude...says the guy who wants to name his firstborn son Pickle) makes friends with the sharks, possibly because there's nobody else in this lab thing that's going on.

One day, a tornado left over from "The Day After Tomorrow" appears and blows the lab apart. Sharkboy and Dad-Man drift away separately on rafts. Some sharks find Sharkboy and decide to raise him as their own. To make the story more abso-ludicrous, Sharkboy grows fins and gills. Cause you know, that happens often.

We then see Max fishing, by himself somewhere, when his fishing line snags Sharkboy. Not knowing what else to do, he takes him home. While Sharkboy is chillin in the shower, Lavagirl just appears out of nowhere. If this movie WASN'T written by a little kid named Racer, the next obvious thing would be to show Lavagirl's origins as well. But no, instead she shows up, tells Max that she needs Sharkboy and they take off.
Yeah, let the sharks babysit little Racer.
SHE'S SMOOOOOOKIN!!!!!! (Sorry, it's one of those movies.)
Why I'm Cryin'? Cause I'm in this movie.
Who the hell does he think he is, Laverne?
This whole thing turns out to be just some report Max wrote for the first day of school. Of course, everyone thinks Max is crazy and they throw things at him. The teacher, Mr. Electricidad (Gosh, where are they ever going with that name?), gets up and defends Max...kinda. Mr. E (I like that better) calls up Linus. You know something is gonna come up with his name later on cause who in this day and age name their kid Linus anymore. Unless you're a "Peanuts" fan.

Linus reads his report which makes fun of Max, and class ends. Mr. E forces Max and Linus to become friends and before Max leaves, he gives us some further foreshadowing into the plot by stating that he never leaves anywhere without his precious "dream journal".

So what happens next? Linus and his gang chase Max throughout the playground and steals the journal. Wow! I didn't see that coming! Keep the plot twists coming, little kid!

Max returns home and cries himself to sleep. He thinks he hears Lavagirl moaning his name...er...I didn't mean that in a sexual way. She was moaning his name in the movie. Anyway, Max hears something and wakes up. He thinks Sharkboy and Lavagirl is there, so he investigates. Instead he finds some eaten cookies and that his parents are David Arquette and Kristin Davis. This is a mismatching if I ever heard one.

Max goes back to bed and wishes that something would happen so he wouldn't have to go to school tomorrow. Tomorrow arrives and nothing happens. Then we find out something that practically melted my brain. Max lives...across the FUCKIN' street from the FUCKIN' school!!!

Yes, I'm going to point out how stupid this is. If he just lived across the fuckin' street, why didn't he just run there with his stupid journal when Linus was chasing him? Why did he run through an entire playground and pointlessly climb up a rope, which made him lose it? JESUS!! (Never let your kid write a screenplay. The More You Know...)

After tucking my brain back in, Max goes to class and has a conversation with Marissa, who is wearing a sweater and sneezing a lot. Her seat is directly below the air-conditioning vent. Then we find out that Marissa is Mr. E's daughter. I dunno. I guess that's plausible. Max confronts Linus about his journal and Linus gives it up. But it's all written and marked up, so Max makes a scene about this. Linus insist that Mr. E sends Max to the principal so he can get expelled. Then George Lopez goes into Overacting Shatner Mode when he makes weird ass faces and insists that he knows everything cause he's smart and they know nothing cause they’re dumb.
"Shouldn't you be on 'Sex & The City'?" "Shouldn't you be on Courntey Cox?"
ARRGH!! Ya ready kids!!!!!
Then another tornado from "The Day After Tomorrow" appears and Mr. E tries to get all the kids to do that thing we all did in school where we cower under our desks and put our hands around our necks. C'mon, you know you did it. Don't deny it.

It really isn't a tornado, but it's just a way to mark the arrival of Sharkboy and Lavagirl. They come to get Max cause he needs to save Planet Drool, where kids have fun and dreams live and all that happy kid crap. Max agrees and it's at this point when the movie turns 3-D.

Oh, did I fail to mention that? Yes, this movie is in 3-D. But only if you buy the glasses from them.
Picking your boogers...in 3-D!!!!!
They fly to Planet Drool where Sharkboy and Lavagirl fill Max in on what the dillio is. Apparently some evil guy took over the planet and is making all the kids stay awake so they don't dream and make the planet all happy again. Or something like that. I dunno, a kid came up with this story.

I know I keep ragging on the fact that this was co-written by a kid, but YOU SIT through this entire thing TWICE, and try to be funny for your legions of fans that don't exist!

Ok, I need a break. I'm gonna get an ice cream.

Ahh...back. Where was I? Oh, this terrible movie.

What you basically need to know is some evil guy has taken over Planet Drool, which is basically a planet for kids to live their dreams, and he stopped all the kids from dreaming by strapping them to a roller coaster nonstop. And the evil guy (to be "shockingly revealed" later) is getting help from Mr. Electric. Yes, George Lopez's big head in a clock face, I think, and neon lights for arms.

Sharkboy tells Max they have to get to this one spot in the planet named The Dream Lair to save the planet. And stop Mr. Electric and his band of electrical outlets.
Does this make my face look fat?
I never trust those powerstrips.
Ok, I don't wanna, like, give you all some cop out review here. But there really isn't a lot I can review here. The entire time they're on the planet, they're just trying to get to this lair place and they go through all these weird dreamlike obstacles. Like "The Train of Thought" which was the most pointless scene in the entire movie cause they're on the train for like 30 seconds, then they jump off.

Oh and Max has to learn how to "day dream" to make things happen on the planet, so he dreams of some Shark-cycle. But there's no gas because he didn't dream of gas. ARRGH! 

Oh, and to add to the annoyance of this movie is Sharkboy. For some very strange reason, he wants to beat up on Max throughout the entire movie. Oh and we get to hear him sing. Thanks little kid.
And on your left is the Stream of-Oh I suppose you can just read it yourself.
"What's that smell? Oh, it's my career going down the crapper."
And in case you haven't figure it out, anybody from Max's real life appears in this dream world. Like the two giants are his mom and dad. And the Ice Princess, who has some ice crystal thing that'll freeze anything, is Marissa. And finally, guess who the main bad guy is? Go ahead. Guess. I'll wait.

...

...

(How do you get to...funky town?)

Oh done guessing? Did you guess Linus? You are correct! But he's called "Minus". I know, how clever, huh? Anyway, he has Max's dream journal and he's writing evil dreams in it, which is destroying the planet. Max realizes if he gets his hands on it, he can fix the planet.
Oh yeah, I totally didn't see that coming. Nope.
Minus locks our three "heros" in a bird cage, and some things called "La-La's" (Where's Po?) make Sharkboy even more of an annoying prick and he chews through the bars. They climb up to Linus' bed and Max takes the journal. He leafs through it and gives Lavagirl a Lava-cycle (Enough with the cycle's already.) and reveals that Sharkboy's father is in a submarine on Earth. Well, yay, I guess.

Then Lavagirl stupidly grabs the journal and burns it to a crisp. This causes her to have some meltdown and think she's evil. No, I think Sharkboy is evil. I mean come on, he's constantly threatening to kick Max's ass. It's at this point when they decide to get the ice crystal. (Yeah, I told you stuff out of order. What ya going do?)

During the process, Lavagirl turns into a block of ice. When they get the ice crystal, they use Lavagirl as some sort of ice sled to go to the dream lair to stop what they been calling throughout the movie "The Darkness". I Believe In A Thing Called Love indeed.

So the plan is to use the crystal to stop The Darkness from wearing any more chest revealing jump suits, but it don't work cause only the Princess herself can use it. (Oh yeah, I think they severely ripped off "The Neverending Story" there, with the whole Ice Princess thing.)

Mr. Electric shows up and covers Sharkboy with eels. Lavagirl jumps into the lake to save him, but she ends up dying in the process. The kid playing Max was an OK actor up until here. But seeing him try to be sad and crying really was just terrible. Max spots a volcano erupting and deduces that if she's thrown in there, along with Tom Hanks, she'll get her powers back. Tom Hanks? He'll just get a date with Meg Ryan.

It's during this that Max somehow realizes how to Day Dream and his powers come to him. He makes Lavagirl not just out of fire and lava, but out of light, which destroys The Darkness. Then Sharkboy goes to destroy Mr. Electric. Max faces off with Linus/Minus.

The face off is kinda stupid, with everything being a stupid pun. Like "Brain Storm!" and it starts raining brains. Then to stop them, there's "Brain Freeze!" And finally, "Brain Fart". Oh, how loverly. Max finally talks Linus into being a good guy and Linus accepts this.
This movie is more like a Brain Numb!
What the hell is she wearing?
But Mr. Electric isn't too happy with this, so he decides to destroy the Earth for some reason. I think they need to pass out some kind of follow along guide with this movie. Anyway, Max realizes this entire thing was just a dream, but he has to wake up...and make the dream real? Where's that guide?

Max wakes up in the class as the tornado is hitting. Max realizes it's not a tornado but Mr. Electric coming to destroy the school. Mr. E isn't too happy that Max made him a bad guy, but after that goofy scene earlier, I don't blame Max one bit.

To wrap up the subplot about Max's parents, they make up and get saved by Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Mr. E asks the class what they should do to stop the evil him and Linus comes up with the idea to freeze him. Max realizes that's a good idea and gets Marissa to do it, cause you know she's the Ice Princess. So she puts the crystal on and makes ice come out of her hands and this blows the Evil E up. And it starts snowing. Here, we find out this takes place in Texas, which makes no sense cause nobody is speaking in a Texan accent. Max is all happy that his parents made up and he decides to rebuild Tobar, this robot thing that really isn't important, which is why I didn't mention him until now.
Phew. I didn't think I'd ever get that done. I think this movie is a fitting end to "Super Hero" month. And before anyone says "But Jason, it's a kid's movie. You're not supposed to like it or make sense of it." First off, I have the maturity level of a kid, so don't even go there. And two, just cause something is for kids doesn't mean you need to make it all stupid and mind-numbing. And why make one of the supposed "heros" such an asshole? And in case you missed my message:
Don't ever, ever, ever, ever EVER let a kid write a screenplay.
The More You Know...
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