| Showgirls Ass and Titties! And Our Fifth Mass Invasion, Bitches! |
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| Nomi Malone-Played by Elizabeth Berkley. A girl with a mysterious past (not really) comes to Vegas to be a dancer. She will do anything, and I mean ANYTHING to become a dancer. Is possibly a sociopath. Molly-Chick Nomi came across while beating her (Molly's) car up. Is pretty nice and good-hearted, but she ends up on the wrong end of a rape sandwich. Zach-Played by Kyle MacLachlan. The "entertainment director" of the Stardust, a hotel that hosts the biggest stage show in Vegas, according to this movie. If you fuck him, you become the star of the show. Cristal Connors-Played by Gina Gershon. The lead "dancer" for "Goddess" the show playing at the Stardust. Is more or less an evil bitch who likes to humilate "dancers". Is possibly bi-sexual. James-Dude that likes to stalk Nomi all over Vegas, saying he can teach her to be an actual dancer, not a "dancer". Kinda vanishes towards the end of the movie. Al-Played by Robert Davi. The owner of the strip club Nomi "dances" in. Is easily the sleaziest character in the whole movie and that's saying something. Andrew Carver-A singer Molly is obessed with. This proves to be ironic. Looks like the dude Wolf from the current version of "American Gladiator". Actually, I SWEAR it's the same guy. Wouldn't surprise me. Dancers, "dancers", production assistaints, choeographers, and producers named Tony Moss-People Nomi must step on to rise to power in Vegas. |
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| Rachael I won't lie. Upon first watching, I rated this "R" for "Ridiculous." But I'll be darned - it held my interest. Nomi is a sociopath and extremely unlikeable. But for sheer entertainment factor, I stuck with the whole film and I'd probably watch it again. The comedic value and the over-the-top cheesiness are not so bad when you mix them with boobs. |
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| You're probably not gonna believe me, but any involvement I have had with "Showgirls", I had nothing to do with.
A few years ago, my loving fiancee Felicia (who is a Mass Invader) bought up this movie for some reason or another. I mentioned that I haven't seen it yet. She was shocked and appalled that I, a B-Movie connoisseur, was not familiar with this fine piece of American cinema. So she grabbed my hand, rushed me to the video store, and practically FORCED me to rent this movie. I was like "Oh dear no! Think of the children!" and she reminded me we didn't have children. I couldn't argue with that, so we got it. About two hours later, I was sitting in my chair, not sure what the hell I just saw. I didn't think it was THAT bad of a movie but...it wasn't good either. Now, as of this writing, I've seen it roughly 4 times and each time since my first I now realize that this movie isn't really bad, it's just so fricken sleazy. I don't know how many showers I took each time I watched it, but our water bill is pretty fuckin' high. Anyway, flashforward to sometime in March 2008 and I just got acquainted with Maria's boyfriend Sean, who's making his debut here with us tonight. He mentions "Showgirls" for whatever reason and tells me "You should totally do that movie" in the sense of reviewing it, not, you know, rubbing my privates all over the DVD. At least I hope that's what he meant. He mentioned this sometime after the Battlefield Earth Mass Invasion, which kinda didn't work out so well in many instances, so I was kinda leery about making it a Mass Invasion and thought I should just tackle it on my own. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that "Showgirls" can only be presented in Mass Invasion form. It was just begging to be shown to all my friends, some of who are women themselves. So after sounding the Mass Invasion horn and a lot of the regulars responded with a "Hell yes I'm down", I said "Oh what the hell" and the rest, as my drunk uncle is often known to say, is history you motherfucker. What can be said about "Showgirls" that hasn't been said before? (Didn't I start the Battlefield Earth Mass Invasion with that same question? I need new material) It won a shitload of Razzies back in '96. It showed us how perverted Joe Eszterhas is (and to a lesser degree Paul Verhooven). And more importantly, it showed us "Saved By The Bell" Jessie's tits, cause you know we all were wondering. As of today, it stands as a cult classic and the producers behind this movie is trying to make it a modern day "Rocky Horror Picture Show" by giving it midnight screenings. The thing is, people like to dress up as the characters for Rocky Horror. For this movie, you're having people show up naked, which isn't bad, but considering this movie's target audience, it's probably a bad idea. Ok, enough of my jibber-jabber. You wanna get to the tits, the sleaze, the horrible dancing, more tits, bad dialogue, Kyle MacLachlan's ass, and the infamous rape scene as seen through the eyes of 7 individuals seemingly picked at random. AND those 7 individuals are, in order of appearance in this review: April had to drop out, so I'll be covering her chapters. And most of this review didn't go as planned cause everybody watched different versions of the movie, thanks to there being roughly 8 billion versions. So I also had to swoop in and cover any parts that weren't reviewed by anyone cause of this error. Rachael, who is back home safe and sound after being terrorized by John Travolta's huge forehead in "Battlefield Earth". Maria, one of my favorite Mass Invaders only cause she acts completely miserable during her reviews. And if you know me, people's pain bring me joy. Sean, the new guy,Maria's boyfriend AND the guy who's idea it was to have this movie featured on this site. So if you don't like this review, blame him. Felicia, my loving fiancee, who's willing to watch Elizabeth Berkley fuck the shit out of Agent Cooper in a swimming pool for me. Talk about soulmates. Devon, who made her debut appearance in "Battlefield Earth" and is apparently a huge fan of this movie. Go figure. Adam, one of my other favorites cause he puts an interesting spin on things. That's all. So put on a condom, hell put on two, cause we're about to dive in head first into the icky realms that is "Showgirls". |
| This lovely film beings with Nomi just walking by a strip mall somewhere. There are mountains in the background so I'm guessing Colorado? I'd love to see a prequel where Nomi tries to get to be a Denver Bronco cheerleader by sleeping with John Elway. Maybe that's just me.
Anyway, she wanders onto a highway and puts her thumb and her cleavage out, hoping for the best. Thankfully, here comes a random yokel in his pickup truck. For some odd reason, Nomi looks a bit apprehensive about getting into his truck, even though he's going to Vegas. I got a theory that maybe she wasn't going to Vegas but then figured "Eh, it'll do". I call this theory "Making Shit Up As She Goes Along Theory". Finally, she gets into the truck and the first thing yokel says is you can move in closer. This prompts Nomi to pull out a switchblade knife. Hey, 1950 called, they want their cliche back. Yokel starts yamma-yamma-ing and Nomi switches the radio by stabbing at it with the knife. Gee, thanks strange woman I picked up, I wanted knife holes in my radio. Nomi comments that she don't like Garth Brooks. Aw, come on now, he's not so bad. And this was before he pulled off that Chris Gaines shit, so I can only imagine what she thought of him then. Because she got the knife, he agrees, even saying "he doesn't know anyone that does". When Nomi just sits there and stares blankly ahead while Yokel asks what her name is and stuff, he decides that it's too unbearable to put up with Elizabeth Berkley's acting here and tries to get rid of her. The only way to do that? Swerve right into a semi. This causes her to put away the knife, and agrees to be friendly and at least TRY to act. Yokel swerves back in front of the semi and says his name is Jeff. Nomi tells us and Jeff her name, but it sounds like she was trying to say "Know Me", like "You gotta get to know me before you know my name" which I know doesn't make sense but a lot of shit don't make sense in this movie. Yet again, my Theory of Making Shit Up On The Fly comes into play here. Jeff asks what's she's gonna do in Vegas and she goes "I'm gonna be a dancer". When he makes a off-hand comment about being the "other kind of Vegas dancer", Nomi hits him, but playfully. Later on, if you so much said a word that rhymed with "hooker" she'd run out of the room crying, so it's odd to see her take it so well here. |
| This section written by: Jason |
| If Elvis and Wolverine had a kid. |
| Guess which girly 80's icon, after having hard times, is doing nightly Vegas shows? |
| Quick fade away later, we're in Vegas. Nomi admits she never gambled in her life, and Jeff says he has an uncle that works at the Riveria so they're gonna pay him a visit. Jeff insists that Nomi leaves her stuff in his truck and she stupidly does so.
They get inside the Riveria and Jeff gives her ten bucks to play the slot machines while he "talks to his uncle". You probably already know why I put that in quotes cause this whole things sounds fishy as hell from the get-go, but Nomi is like "DAHH Ok Mr. Friendly Man I pulled a knife on a few hours ago in another time zone. DAAH!!" and takes off to play the slots. Now I never been to Vegas, so this movie is teaching me how to act when I do eventually go. I now know, thanks to Nomi, that if you win at the slots, you CAN do the stupid stereotypical thing of grabbing all the coins you just won and literally throw them in the air, while everyone in the building will come up and congratulate you. A person that works at the casino offers her some silver dollars, which she takes. I guess the silver dollars were bad luck, cause now Nomi is losing. When she lost her last dollar, some sleazy looking guy comes up to her and says he'll give her money if she gives him 15 minutes. This upsets her and she storms away. Get use to this, cause she'll do it roughly 80 billion times throughout the movie. So lesson number 2: if a hot chick lost all her money, proposition her for sex to help her financially. Thanks Showgirls! Eventually, the realization that Jeff probably left hours ago sinks in and Nomi runs out to the parking lot and sure enough, he's gone with her suitcase. She throws a temper tantrum by beating up on some car. And hey! The owner of that car is coming now, running out yelling "HEY! That's my car!!" and wouldn't you know it, it's Molly, Nomi's future BFF. Nomi pushes Molly, Molly pushes back, which causes Nomi to vomit for some strange reason. And for an even stranger reason, Nomi decides to kill herself by running into traffic. Molly pulls her out of the way, saying "OH no, no, no! You're not getting out of this movie THAT easily! Plus everyone paid money to see your tits and so far we just seen your cleavage!" Or words to that effect. Nomi breaks down and looks like her and Molly are about to make out. Molly takes her to some burger joint and some superb acting is on display here. Here, Elizabeth Berkley shows us that her character is angry by fiercely grabbing everything in the scene, including the ketchup which goes flying everywhere. The chick playing Molly probably wasn't expecting this and looks quite stunned. Paul Verhooven probably found it "charming" and kept it in. |
| Well, me and Nomi have one thing in common. We're both whores. No wait... |
| Nomi reveals that she has no family and "everything" was in her suitcase. And that she's from "back East" which considering this is Vegas, could be any-fucking-where, but that's the character of Nomi: always mysterious!
For whatever reason, Molly decides to let this suicidal crazy lady that beat on her car and angrily shook ketchup out stay with her "until she gets a job". Does Nomi accept? After establishing that Molly isn't a lesbo, we fade out. Six weeks later, we find out that yes, Nomi accepted the offer. She appears to have a job but we don't know where yet. Molly, who is probably the only realistic hot chick in this movie, gives us a tease by roaming around this scene in her bra and panties. And cause this movie loves to hit me over the head with foreshadowing, some dude named Andrew Carver is playing on the radio. Molly invites Nomi to go to her job with her and Nomi says nah, she rather stay home and eat chips until it's time to go to work. Then Nomi asks about the chips and blames Molly, who denies it. You know how at slumber parties when one girl asks another girl if she made out with the school hunk and she denies it and everyone goes "OOH!!! Yes you did! Yes you did!!!" all giggly? Well, Nomi does that same exact thing here but it's about fucking potato chips. Nomi eventually does, in the dress that Molly made. Hey! It's the stripper version of "Pretty In Pink". We just need a sleazy Duckie and we're all set. So Molly's job is the costumer at some elaborate stage show called "Goddess" and Nomi gets a peek at the backstage antics while Molly runs around fixing G-strings for bitchy chicks. I have this theory (yes another one) that throughout her time in Vegas, while making shit up on the fly, she also knew exactly what she was doing, but pretending to act stupid. Like, she planned on taking over this particular stage show and was scoping it out, cause we see her just roaming around, peeking into Gina Gerson's dressing room. Oh! And some random dancer chick makes an off-hand comment about "wouldn't it be great if someone fell down these stairs?" Ow! OW! Dammit, stop hitting me, Foreshadowing! Nomi goes up to some private box to watch the show and the entire thing is like, what I imagine Ray Dennis Steckler pictured the "stripping" portions of his movie to look like if they allowed nudity in regular movies back in the '60's. The entire set looks all volcanic and there's fire and flames everywhere, and Cristal comes out of a volcano already nude while a voice over guy announces her. The dancing looks something like out of Cirque de Soliel, but naked. Eh, maybe there's nudity in Cirque de Soliel, I dunno I never seen it. |
| "Dianetics! The Smash Broadway Show!" |
| Anyway, the show is over and now there's a press conference to welcome Cristal. Some old dude says that they could've gotten anybody they wanted. LaToya. Suzanne. Wait, Suzanne? You mean...Suzanne Summers? I highly doubt she would do something like this. This was the early-to-mid 90's, she was getting rich from the Thighmaster. Plus she never been one for nudity, as far as I know. Unless they meant folk singer Susanne Vega. She'd show her ta-ta's for sure.
Some random reporter dude lets us know that Kyle MacLachlan's name is Zach and that's all he says while Zach hands flowers to Cristal. This whole press conference seems dry and stiff. That's what she said... Molly invites Nomi to meet Cristal in her dressing room while Cristal is having issues with some strange bra that seems to be made out of a chainlink fence. Nomi and Cristal are introduced and we find out Nomi "dances" at some place called the Cheetah. Cristal says that isn't really dancing and yet again, Nomi storms off. I told you to get use to that. Molly is pissed that Nomi left that like and Nomi apologizes but doesn't really explain why she acted that way. Molly offers to take Nomi to work, but Nomi don't feel like going. So instead they decide to go somewhere, which excites Nomi. Where are they going, Rachael? |
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| What do dancers do to let off steam? They go dancing! Nomi does her frenetic dancing in her fringe dress and quickly draws the eye of James. James is a bouncer at the club, but he's going to make his move to dance with her. They agree that he can dance. And James says, "I don't lie." Of course, we find out later that he does lie. But for now he wants to teach Nomi some dance moves and whatever else it is he has to teach.
Which causes Nomi to knee James in the nuts. Of course. Because isn't that what everyone does to club bouncers? Sure. A fight breaks out in the dance club and Nomi flounces around, completely oblivious to the situation. We never see her doing drugs, but she must be high if she can cause trouble and never seem to be affected. I think she's a sociopath with rhythm. James bails Nomi out of jail and, once again, Nomi flounces out to the street with no regard for his feelings. She says, "Shit happens." It is at this moment that I realize, yes, shit does happen. Movies like this get made. So, let the boobs begin! Backstage at Cheetah's, where Nomi dances for a living, the performers are thrusting their boobs into the camera for us. Henrietta Bazoom, the token comedic fat dancer, displays her peek-a-boob (yes - I said that!) dress. We meed Hope, the fresh meat of the group. It's all very "Facts of Life" with Henrietta as a mother figure to the girls. Except Mrs. Garrett is flashing her boobs and Tootie is naked. |
| This section written by: Rachael |
| "Look, I'm not even driving, stop offering to clean my windshield." |
| And co-starring Don Rickles, in a role that will surprise you! |
| Happy Days: The Later Years Chapter 4: What Happened To The Foz? |
| "Did I remember to breathe today?" |
| Al, the questionable club manager, gives Hope a lesson in lap dances and job security. It's all very sleazy and Hope seems horrified. Of course, two minutes later she's dancing like she's an old pro. Amazing how inspiring Al can be! He is like the Deepak Chopra of Cheetah's!
And here comes Cristal. She slithers out of a limo with Zack. A quick check for blow on the nose and into the club they go. Because, once again, what do dancers do in their free time? Go watch more dancing, apparently. And it's Nomi on stage. More frenetic strip dancing. She looks more mad than hot. But what do I know? Cristal has a habit of licking Zack's face. It's strange she likes to lick because she sucks. Ha! While Nomi dances to Cristal and Zack, the movie and its purpose are cleanly summed up by a Japanese businessman. "In America, everyone's a gynecologist." After watching this movie, I feel like I earned my degree that's for sure. When Cristal says she's going to buy Nomi for Zack, Nomi AGAIN flounces off the stage and stomps around in the dressing room. I see the theme. Nomi acts like everyone cares. However, even only this far into the movie, I sure don't. Her self-importance is irritating. I would make a joke about her needing to be "deflated" but I think that would go against the rules of my new-found gynecology license. |
| EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW-FUCKIN-WWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
| Well, this is why everyone saw this movie, and this is why everyone's reading this review. Enjoy. |
| "Nomi, honey, scratch your crabs in private, ok dear?" |
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| Nomi wanders the floor of the Cheetah club looking for some sucker to take money from. I wonder if they realize that no one would be watching Nomi during this scene with all the nude women in the background. I think we’re still before the point in the movie where all the boobs get boring. So Nomi see Zach and Cristal at one table and turns around to proposition some sleaze ball. The guy starts saying obscene things to Nomi and she handles it well. I guess she’s learned, like I have in my many years of having to deal with slime ball customers at my jobs, that “the customer is always right.” and Nomi probably still gets more respect then the average person who works at McDonalds. Well Cristal and Zach get Nomi’s attention and ask her to give them a private dance. She says they only do one at a time and no girls. Cristal offers Nomi $100 but Nomi still refuses, probably because Nomi is just so damn classy. Cristal ups it to $500 and the club owner forces Nomi to dance for them.
All right, lap dance time! If someone you know swallowed a lot poison and you need to induce vomiting just put this scene in Showgirls on for them and it should do the trick. Nomi gives Zach a lap dance, rubs her area all over him and practically has a seizure on him. Cristal makes plenty of disgusting leering faces at both of them. I put a blanket over my head and my fingers in my ears and started humming Stars and Stripes Forever. I took the blanket off my head just in time to see Zach really, really enjoying the cherry pie, if you know what I mean. |
| This section written by: Maria |
| "Diane, I'm presently undercover at One-Eyed Jacks..." |
| For the nerds that like to write Twin Peaks/Saved By The Bell crossover fanfics. |
| The next morning Nomi is awoken by the black guy with dreads. At this point in the movie I don’t think he has a name yet. He tries to give her a big pep talk about how she has too much talent to be a stripper. He wants her to dance with him since he knows all about dancing. She’s not buying it and tells him to get lost and stop following her around. Every scene in this movie ends with Nomi being mad at somebody about something, grabbing her jacket, running off and making the same annoyed face.
Molly got an A on something and soon she’ll get a degree for something! Good for her! So they head to the mall for a shopping montage. Nomi buys a snazzy dress with her lap dance money. I guess that evens her out. Lap dancer + nice dress = respectable girl? As they run out of the mall Molly notices a poster for Andrew Carver. He’s a musician or magician or daredevil or something and Molly really likes him and he’s coming to Vegas! Maybe she’ll get to meet him. “Come to mamma!” she says. Foreshadowing, I think? This movie is ripe foreshadowing. |
| Here, Nomi is upset cause she can't get the golf ball inside the pharoh's mouth. |
| I hear ya. I'd be screaming too if I saw that behind me.. |
| That night at the strip club a man from the Stardust hotel offers Nomi an audition to be in the show. Nomi realizes Cristal probably sent him so she could be a jerk to Nomi more. But he denies it. She runs home and tells her friends Molly about it. She’s all exciting that she’s finally gonna be a dancer! This is what she’s always hoped and dreamed and finally it’s coming true! Well I guess that’s what we’re supposed to think. She’s happy about it anyway.
So at the audition the first thing the producer does is tell Nomi she looks like Pollyanna. This causes Nomi to rip all her clothes off and put on a lot of blush. The producer starts rejecting women because their boobs are too big, and their ears stick out and they’ve had too many dance classes. They go through the dance routine and Nomi is one of the girls picked. But the producer doesn’t think Nomi’s nipples are pointy enough. “I’m erect why aren’t you?” Well probably because I’m too busy trying not to vomit. He offers her some ice to perk them up but she slaps it out of his hands and runs off the stage screaming “I want to be a dancer!” It’s at this point in the movie where I noticed that Nomi has a brown eye and a green eye and when you start looking at a half naked woman’s eyes you know that the boobs have gotten boring. Cristal talks to Nomi and admits that she wanted to see her get embarrassed. Nomi starts crying and I’m amazed Nomi even has any emotions. |
| "Alright, ya broads, remember this face cause you'll be rubbing your cooches on it later." |
| "Ya kiddin' me? My grandmother has better tits than that and she's dead!" |
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| Nomi, yet again, is storming out of the Stardust and hey, look who's a bellboy? It's James! What an amazing coincidence that he happened to be working AT THIS EXACT place! James stops her from storming out and says that she don't need to be working at this place cause it's not real stripping. Cause, you know, working in a sleazy sweaty place having simulated sex in a dark dank room is where the real money's at. During this whole scene, James' boss keeps telling him to get back to work, but James ignores him. Finally, James tells him he's talking to the lady (A lady? Where?) and to leave him alone. Then the actor kinda goofs up here and starts taking off his work coat before the guy fires him. Unless this was his entire plan all along.
After talking about how great of a day it is outside, they both get a burger and head over to his place. He says that he wrote a song for her cause she's a private dancer. Um, dude, I got news for you. Tina Turner did that song already. James tells Nomi that he's working on some dance routine and he wants HER to be in it! WOW! James puts the song on and you know what, dude? First you rip off a song idea from Tina Turner, then you rip off the vocalization of Prince. What's next, rip off U2 and start wearing Ray-Ban sunglasses? So they do this weird dance routine that reminded me of the dancing during that "Sprockets" bit on SNL and soon enough Nomi turns the whole thing into a sexual simulation. Jeez, is that the only dancing you know how to do? Now she's grinding on his lap while he's pulls her tits out and plays with her nipples. Is this still part of the dance routine? (Judging by what the routine really turned out to be, James should've kept this part in.) James every so subtly slides his hands down her pants and Nomi says no, she's on her period. He doesn't believe her and we're treated to the delightful scene of James sticking his finger in her cooch and finding blood. If that was me, she'd be thrown through the window while I spray my hand with Lysol. But I'm mildly OCD so whatever. |
| This section written by: Jason |
| Flashdance 2:This Time There's Actual Stripping Involved |
| Period sex doesn't bother James however (ick) cause he has towels. Oh, so he can hitchhike through the galaxy! Nomi tucks her tits back in and says he can fuck her when he loves her. He claims that he does but Nomi don't buy it. Then James turns into a wise sage and says he sees the real her and she's hiding something. Nomi literally jumps in front of a cab and leaves.
Turns out Molly is psychic cause she sensed that Nomi silently walked through the door. Molly tells her that Tony Moss called and after all that crap that happened at the audition, she got the job. First thing she does is storm into the Cheetah and informs Al that she quits cause she's going to the Stardust to be in "Goddess". Al makes fun of her, saying that if Nomi's a dancer, then Fat Lady whatever her name is the Virgin Mary. Fat Whatever says she has bigger tits than the Virgin Mary. Yes, she said that. I guess I'll be seeing Joe Eszterhas in hell. Along with Paul Verhooven. Al says she won't let Nomi come back even if she did offer to give him a blowjob, which according to him is how you get the job anyway. Good job, Nomi, proving constantly that you're not a whore. Next up on her parade of gleefulness, she stops at James to tell him the good news. He's upset cause he thought they'd be doing their dance/sex routine on a stage somewhere. But Nomi hears a girl call for James. Uh-oh! Looks like not ALL Ladies Love Cool James. And it turns out the girl in James' place is Penny/Hope. How did she get there and how did he know her? I'm guess maybe from when he was stalking Nomi the night before? I guess. And I don't know if Nomi recognized her or not, but she got mad and more or less told him to fuck off. Oh and it appears James does have towels cause he's wearing one. He tells Penny/Hope that she's the only dancer/slut for him and Nomi can't dance. Nice, dude. Now you're equally as sleazy as the other males in this movie. |
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| Even after refusing to put ice on her nipples for Tony Moss, Nomi gets her second chance and is accepted as a showgirl in Goddess. Nomi walks confidently into Tony Moss's office in the dress she bought with her
lapdance money. Tony comments on her appearance and Nomi thanks him
and says she bought it at "Ver-sayce." Come on, I don't buy this. I
mean, I'm constantly wearing a graphic t-shirt and jeans, maybe a
button down shirt and khakis if I'm really trying to impress someone, and even I know how to pronounce Versace. Everyone in the room just sort of stares at her, and makes fun of her by repeating the incorrect pronunciation. Tony introduces the people she is going to work with and Nomi starts on the path of her dream of becoming a showgirl! Becoming a showgirl is not easy, she has to watch her weight, something that actress is clearly doing, but the character is not. I really don't enjoy seeing women shovel fries into their face in movies, or choke down greasy burgers, but that is one of the lesser offensive points of this movie. We are introduced once again to the blue and yellow staircase that is prevalent in this movie. This is the first time we see Nomi walk up it. We are told that Nomi has to give some information about herself to Personnel. She does not enjoy this because she has a troubled past! Oh, the character development layered on like tomato and American cheese on a fine grilled cheese sandwich. We run into the talent agent and Paul Atreides and the embarrassment is revealed that she mispronounced the word Versace. There goes the grand illusion of class you had, Nomi. |
| This section written by: Sean |
| "Gosh, it certainly would suck if SOMEONE got PUSHED down these stairs. I dont know why I said that. Oh well..." |
| "COME ON! I'M NOT STRAIGHT YET! HARDER! FASTER! I'M STILL GAY!!" |
| In the next scene, we see her in her first day of dance practice. Here
we see a whole lot of boring dancing without boobies or anything, but
it won't be long before we see tits because she starts tonight! Zoom
to tonight, and we see the electricity of back stage. This part's
great. The movie announces "Monkey Alert!" and then there's all these
God damn chimps everywhere! More movies should have "Monkey Alert!" Nomi keeps a cool head and captures a chimp. If an 100 pound girl can catch a chimp, maybe the species is doomed. Now we see what backstage is really about, drama. A catfight breaks out seconds after "Monkey Alert!" about who is the bigger whore. It is almost show time, and Nomi is offered ice once again for her nipples, which she partakes in this time, and runs up the blue and yellow staircase. We are now on stage of the Vegas show "Goddess." Not really sure what's going on here, lots of dumb dancing I guess. Boobs pop out. After the number, Nomi gets like a billion roses from Zack aka Paul aka Cooper aka Kyle. Walking out of the show, James (who, incidentally, looks like Clifford the Muppet) comes to bug Nomi and finally admits he has a "problem with pussy." You know, that's the first step to recovery. Nomi and Molly speed off. After being told to come to a special training session for her dance moves, she finds that the ever horny and coked up Cristal Connors is her special instructor for the day. Cristal apparently wants to make amends, so she takes Nomi out to dinner. Cristal and Nomi talk it up about how great Doggie Chow used to be, and thus a romantic spark is kindled. That spark is a pretty sleazy spark, much like any other human interaction in this awful movie. Cristal tries to impart the fact that they're both alike, both whores. I agree! They go back to the stage and start a sultry dance routine between the two of them, which ends in Cristal ripping down Nomi's shirt and feeling her up. Such passion! They almost kiss, then Cristal calls Nomi a whore again, which causes her to run off. |
| "A planet where apes evolved from strippers!!!" |
| Awww, only one person from Bayside High remembered to send a card. |
| Oh NOW the camera guy doesn't wanna get all close on the action. |
| Whoa! Looks like she don't need the ice cubes now. |
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| (Editors note: Both Sean and Felicia ended up writing about the same scene. I couldn't decide which one to cut so I kept both in cause I liked them both.-Jason) So, Cristal and Nomi “try” to become friends even though neither can trust the other. It’s very hard for 2 uber bitches to become friends, I’m just sayin’. They kinda bond over champagne while admitting they like to eat dog food? Come on! How much more white trash can you get, ‘darlin’? Both admit they hate to eat ‘dancer grub’ which is basically brown rice and vegetables. Oh, don’t be hatin’ on brown rice and veggies. It’s good if you add the right seasonings and it’s also high in fiber and vitamins… I digress. (Jason can attest to my OCD when it comes to eating healthy.) The sexual tension rises when Cristal’s imaginary dick gets hard while talking and fantasizing about Nomi’s tittage. Whenever Cristal mentions the word “whore”, Nomi gets very defensive. Hm, I wonder why?... She doth protest too much. Of course she’s a whore. Anyone who gets paid to get men off is, in essence, a whore. On that I agree with Cristal, which makes her one too, but she doesn’t seem to mind. It’s Nomi who can’t cope with her occupation. Sidenote: Can Gina Gershon’s mouth get any larger. Jesus. Whose dick did she suck to stretch out her mouth that damn wide? Anyway… Next we get to see more of the “mother of the year”. I dunno the chick’s name, but she’s the white girl with the bad hair extensions. I’m sorry, but if you knew you were gonna be in a movie, you would get that shit either redone or tightened up. White people don’t understand that even though you don’t have to comb or brush your hair with extentions, there is still major upkeep needed. Back to the ‘story’… She lets her fucking kids backstage at the show like it’s a field trip for school. HELLO?!?! Kids do not need to see what goes on backstage or onstage at a glorified titty bar. Like, I said earlier “mother of the year” award recepient. And on top of all that, the little fuckers are total brats too. Ugh. The black dancer gets fed up and cusses at them and they have the nerve to get offended. The work ‘fuck’ offends them? The kids are awash in a sea of tits and vagoo and are offended by the ‘f word’? Come on. I’m sure they’ve heard the word before and probably have seen it in action from dear old mom. |
| This section written by: Felicia |
| For some reason "Willy Wonka & The Strip Club" didn't do so well with test audiences. |
| How Kathy Lee got those Carnival Cruise commercials. |
| Nomi gets offered a job working a boat show. The boat show is just a front for an escort service. Cristal is aware of this and suggests Nomi do it. She’s so nice to look out for her. What are best friends for? In typical Nomi fashion, after she’s asked to be a whore for a little while to earn $1000, she blows up in whoever’s face and storms off in an juvenile-esque temper tantrum. She runs to Zack to tattle on the guy who set this whole ‘boat show’ thing up. What was she thinking? Why would she believe Zack would be on her side? Because she fucked him with his clothes on? Poor naïve Nomi. She just cant seem to understand that she and Cristal arent really friends. Friends don’t let friends become prostitutes… wait… nevermind.
I guess saying the word “fuck” to her kids was the straw that broke the camel’s back for ol’ June Cleaver with the ghetto braids. She sabotages the bitchy black chick by throwing beads out on the stage under the feet of the guy who was lifting her so he’d slip, drop, and injure her. Nice plan, only if no one sees her, but oops someone did. Was it that obvious? (eyeroll) Never cross a chick with a sketchy hair weave. Zack has that poor gullible whore…oops, I mean poor gullible upstanding member of society, Nomi, believing that he’s looking out for her. All he’s looking out if for is that honeypot of her hers. Nomi takes it upon herself to invite herself over to Zack’s pad to hook up. And now we come to one of the more well known scenes in the movie, known in classic cinematic film circles as ‘the pool fuck scene’. Nomi gets nude first. What a shocker. She’s nakey the entire movie almost. But then in comes the body double for Kyle MacLachlan. Haha, like we’re supposed to believe that his body is that tight and toned. Gimme a break. A stunt ass as well as a stunt haircut. Hehehe, early 90’s skater dude haircut. Those only worked for pre-teens, not full grown men. Anyway, Nomi and Zack meet up in the pool where she goes underwater to suck his stunt cock. Classy. I don’t get the physics how that worked. Breathing through the nose seems to essential during a bee-jay (um.. so I’ve been told) and that isnt possible underwater. Maybe she’s amphibious like a frog. That would explain why she was hopping up and down on his dick vigorously. Seriously, who fucks that wildly? And if someone did, I’m sure they ended up with a spinal cord injury. Jeez. They cum, the pool is now tainted, the end. Oh and the next morning, Zack tells Nomi of an upcoming audition for Cristal’s understudy. Fucking the “entertainment director” has it’s perks. |
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| Oh, he turned Diane into a cell phone. |
| Well, considering what she she could've been shaving... |
| Welcome to the Church of Xanadu! |
| "As a matter of fact, I really do love your peaches, wanna shake those electric trees." |
| "Uh, ok guys, we're gonna start rolling...guys?" |
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| Not a whole lot happens here. They're having auditions for the Cristal's new understudy and Nomi's one of them, since she did in fact fuck Zach. After dancing, everyone talks about who it should be but it's undecided cause none of them has "Cristal's Heat". No, but give them one night and not only will they have her heat, but a burning sensation as well.
Zach says they should try Nomi but Tony doesn't like the idea cause "this isn't the Cheetah". Then why did you hire her, you dumbass? Zach says Nomi should do the routine alone and she starts to. Cristal realizes Zach fucked Nomi and Zach says "You jealous cause I beat you to the punch?" Ok now, is every female (besides Molly of course) bi-sexual in this damn movie? Zach recalls his Agent Cooper role and asks someone to dig up real information on Nomi. I don't know how this guy is suppose to do that, since everything Nomi said about herself is a lie, but whatever. It is revealed later on how they did get her information, but really I wouldn't have thought of that. Nomi is backstage and everyone is treating her coldly, cause they know exactly how she got the job. Julie is a bit nice to her since Nomi has some dark secret information on her. Zach tells Nomi she got the job and that it's time for a celebration. He recalls the thing about Caesar singing that the Japanese dude and that other guy mentioned when Nomi did the boat show. I'm guessing Caesar singing is an euphemism for...something. Nomi tells Cristal that she didn't know about the audition until after her and Zach fucked. There's tense music playing here, but there's nothing to be tense about. Cristal asks to look at Nomi's nails and says she should do her's someday. Then later changes her mind cause she's too old for the whore look. I thought the same thing. Of course, for the 756th time, Nomi storms out of the room. |
| This section written by: Jason |
| Amy Winehouse! |
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| Nomi sits on the hood of a car somewhere, eating another fucking cheeseburger and contemplating the twinkling lights of some elaborate casino appendage as it blazes poetically in the distance. The camera circles around her as she vacantly chews and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand.
Now we cut to a club that looks a lot like that club Nomi was in earlier when she kneed a bouncer in the nuts and started a riot for no reason, but maybe it's a different club and all the clubs in Las Vegas just look alike. Or maybe the producers blew all their money getting Elizabeth Berkeley to show her tits and they didn't have enough leftover to pay for a second club set, so they just used the same one twice and hoped nobody would notice. So anyway, this club is The Crave Club, and we know this because there's a neon sign above the stage that says “The Crave Club." That Prince song from the touch-my-bleeding-pussy scene plays as Nomi wanders purposefully toward the stage and observes three different girls in black lacy body stockings gyrating on top of chairs. Sitting in the middle chair is James, with Penny from the Cheetah squirming around in his lap. People in the audience boo and yell "Get off the stage!" and there's a close-up of Nomi in the audience, but I don't really know what her facial expression right there is supposed to mean. The audience keeps getting angrier until finally the emcee is like "FUCK YOU GUYS!" (to James, not the audience) and makes James and his bitchez get off the stage. Nomi stares at the floor for a second without smiling and then looks back up at the stage. So I think that means she's upset. Nomi interrupts James's Walk of Shame down the steps to compliment him on his failed performance, and James is all, "What are you doing here?" even though he totally invited her there. Penny shows up and calls Nomi "Heather" and they hug, and then James insults Penny and slaps her on the ass and tells her to go get him a beer, bitch. But before Penny leaves she shows Nomi a ring that James bought for her, and blah blah they're getting married because Penny is preggers. James blah blahs to Nomi about this some more after Penny goes away (Penny's mom owns a grocery store, he's gonna go work in it, etc.), and he has a look on his face while he's saying all of this like his soul has shriveled up and died, but maybe that's just because the dude playing him sucks at emoting. Nomi kisses him on the face and tries for a couple seconds to look like she gives a shit, then she says "See ya," and leaves. Surprise! Nomi returns to the dressing room at the Stardust and finds a note taped to her mirror informing her that, even though she pretended to enjoy fucking the entertainment director, she still doesn't get to be Gina Gershon's understudy. Gina Gershon appears behind her in the doorway to her Special Ultra-Private Dressing Room and leers triumphantly at her like an evil phantom of sexy vindictiveness. Nomi springs up from her chair and bustles angrily out of the room. That Nikki chick, who got tag-teamed off-camera earlier by the Japanese businessman and the creepy old white guy, sits there and looks smug. Nomi charges down a hallway, shoves some random woman with a clipboard against a wall, and then goes into Kyle MacLachlin's office and starts yelling at him. She throws the note in his face and screams, "YOU TOLD ME I GOT IT AND YOU SENT ME THIS!!!" Kyle blah blahs that Gina Gershon has a problem with Nomi and didn't want them to do that, but Nomi doesn't understand how that works because she's like, "SO WHAT?!" and Kyle's like, "DUH!!" Then he half-assedly tries to apologize to her, but Nomi's like "WHATEVS!" and storms the fuck out of there. When she gets back to the dressing room, Gina Gershon is sitting there on Nomi's vanity table and telling all the other strippers about a time when her G-string broke during a performance and she had to dance with her naked pussy hanging out all over the place. The other strippers find this story witty and fascinating. Gina sees Nomi and is all, "Hey, I thought about it, Darlin' -- you think you could do my nails now?" Nomi is speechless. She just stands there staring at Gina for a second like she can't believe how totally and completely pwned she just got. Cut to the AWESOME, motorcycle-riding, BDSM-themed musical number OF DOOM. All of the shit in this movie where people are performing on stage is fucking jaw-droppingly incredible, but this number especially shakes me to my very foundations with the sheer, relentless intensity of its garishness. People -- including Nomi -- RIDE MOTORCYCLES out onto the stage and then GET OFF OF THEM and start DANCING. The female dancers do this great dance move where it looks like they're karate-chopping themselves in the pussy. And then the male dancers all simultaneously get down on the ground and pretend to LICK their female partners' pussies. I'm only halfway through my recap and I've already typed the word "pussy" four different times, but that's sort of what this movie does to you. It makes you a slave. To the pussy. |
| This section written by: Devon |
| Never let Malcolm Forbes write your stage show. |
| Muha. Mu-haha. Mu-ha-ha-ha! MU-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!! |
| Right, so anyway, they're dancing and wearing bondage gear, and this dance number is SO completely about gang rape. Really. They lower Gina Gershon down from the ceiling (!) and she's gagged and blindfolded, and then the dudes start ripping her clothes off and pretending to force themselves on her sexually. It's the best choreographed dance EVER in the history of movies and dancing. Gina Gershon leaps up and throws her hands in the air to indicate that she is now taking control of the situation, and then she does some dance moves with Nomi that I think are meant to indicate that they're lezzing out (IRONY OF IRONIES!!) Then Gina trips Nomi and makes her fall down, but I can't tell if that was supposed to be part of the dance choreography or not. Nomi gets up and they continue their lesbian power play of jazz hands and dry-humping for awhile, and then Gina grabs Nomi by her dog collar and they strut off the stage together. As they exit, Nomi slaps away Gina's hand in a flamboyant, drag-queeny fashion.
So now the strippers are all trotting down the stairs to the dressing room in their enormous, scary spike heels, and everybody's bare boobies are jiggling around, and Nomi is right behind Gina, and then all of a sudden she leans forward a little and SHOVES Gina from behind! OMGZ!!! Gina careens down the fucking stairs head over heels (actually I guess it's probably not Gina in that shot, it's probably a stunt woman) and smacks her head good on the railing before collapsing in a puddle on the floor. People yell and scream and freak out, poking her and asking if she can hear them, and then Molly (who I didn't even realize was here) turns around in slow motion and shoots a death glare at Nomi, who nervously fingers her dog collar and tries to look like she has no idea what's going on. A different woman with a clipboard walks up to Nomi and asks her pointedly what happened, and then the chick with the cornrows who threw the beads on the stage earlier interrupts and says that she saw the whole thing and blah blah it was an accident. Outside the hotel, Gina gets loaded up into an ambulance. Nomi takes off her wig and smiles an evil, soulless smile as the camera pans around her portentously. Elsewhere, Kyle MacLachlan and some suits are standing around in a room, and Kyle gets off the phone and tells everybody that Gina Gershon has a concussion and a fractured hip, which will take a really long time to heal. So that means they need to shut the show down because blah blah she's a star and they can't just REPLACE her because fishcakes. Somebody suggests that they bring in Janet Jackson or Paula Abdul again, like, get over it, you guys. I know Paula Abdul is pretty much stoned all the time, but she's not THAT stoned. Finally Kyle says, "Well in that case, Mr. Carlman, we do what we do in Vegas...WE GAMBOL." Or maybe he said "Gamble." So then we cut to...Nomi. Coming out of the volcano like Gina was doing at the beginning of the movie. I guess Gina Gershon changed her mind about letting Nomi be the understudy now that Nomi pushed her down a flight of stairs and physically incapacitated her. Whatever. So everybody does the naked volcano dance again, and then there's a press conference that's basically word-for-word the exact same press conference that Gina Gershon had at the beginning of the movie. BECAUSE NOMI HAS NOW BASICALLY BECOME GINA GERSHON OMG. |
| In case Nomi is "busy", Madame Tussaud made this lifelike stand-in for photo-ops. |
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| That douche Zack tells Nomi that they are going to be partying at the Bungalow. Doesn't sound very impressive to me. Nomi seems thrilled.
Nomi is taking off her slut-gear in the mirror when she sees Molly. Molly is pissed. Molly asks, "Did you push Crystal down the stairs?" Nomi lies and says no. But Molly doesn't believe her. Nomi says, "What's her face saw me not push Crystal down the stairs!" and Molly is like, "What's her face didn't see that because I was staring at what's her face's ass and therefore she was turned around and not looking at all the stair-pushing going on!" And Nomi, in a brilliant strategic maneuver reiterates that what's her face saw the whole thing, only she says it really softly so as to sound sincere. Nomi attends the party at the Bungalow, which turns out to be much nicer than it sounds. Trumpets blare upon her arrival and this big, elaborate and silly "Nomi Malone—Goddess" fire sign lights up. Nomi is pleased. She's even more pleased when Molly shows up and apparently stopped hating her in the 20 seconds it took to transition to this scene. Nomi is all like, "Now that we're friends again, let me introduce you to the date raping musician, Andrew Carver!" So Nomi goes up to Andrew and says, "I like your songs." Andrew Carver knows that when somebody compliments you, it is only proper to compliment them back, so he whispers, "I like your ass. Call me." Maybe he'll write a song about her ass. I don't know. Nomi and Zack are slow-dancing to a song that is sung by this chick who reminds me of Fantasia from American Idol. Molly is making out with Andrew Carver, who has yet to say one nice thing about her ass. They wander into his room or some room and they look like they're about to do it when two tough-looking guys wander in. They're apparently Andrew's friends. Molly gets a little creeped out, which she should be. And the guys proceed to literally rape the fuck out of her. Or maybe figuratively. It's a grey area on this one. |
| This section written by: Adam |
| Yeah THAT guy's not a rapist. In the least bit. |
| Well, at least it's not "From Justin To Kelly" (OOH! I smell a future Mass Invasion!) |
| The scene cuts back to the slow-dancing to the Fantasia doppelganger. Zack says something about falling in love with Nomi and then Molly staggers out of the rape-room all bloody and proceeds to collapse on the floor.
Next, we see Nomi visiting the sedated Molly in the hospital. She is informed that her friend has vaginal abrasions (technically they said "vaginal tears" but when you spell it, it looks like I'm saying she's got a sobbing pussy) and a bunch of other bad shit too, but I forgot about all of those except the vaginal cuts. Nomi wants to call the cops but Zack is like, "No way. Andrew Carver works in Vegas, just like you do, and that creates some kind of strange bond that makes us look the other way on rape." Nomi isn't buying this bullshit either, so she runs to the nearest payphone, which is about 4 feet away. Then, Zack pulls out the Trump Card. He calls her Polly and basically recaps his knowledge of her fucked-up past, which involved hookin'. Nomi is all like, "I'm not a whore," but that's difficult to believe when you go on to tell us that you sold your snatch for money ranging from $50 to $100. Zack says something like, "$50? You have low self-esteem! You are a fantastic fuck." Which probably means Nomi will raise prices in the future now that she has received some positive feedback. We see Molly suffering in the hospital all alone, then we cut back to Nomi, who is getting a look of determination in her eyes while gazing in the mirror and putting on nail polish. She's up to some shit. So she whores herself up real good and goes to Andrew Carver's penthouse. Words are exchanged…Words about fucking! They're going to do it! But why would Nomi do that when she saw what happened to her friend? She takes her top off to reveal...pasties?!? Jesus fucking Christ! Jason somehow managed to give me the only scenes in the movie without nipples. Yeah yeah, I can see like 95% of her tits, but not seeing the nipples is like going to South Dakota and not seeing Mount Rushmore. Andrew doesn't seem half as upset as I am about the pasties. Then Nomi looks like she's about to start riding the guy when she pulls out a knife and holds it to his throat. She tells him to shut up, and then proceeds to kung-fu his ass. Then she leaves the penthouse with a smug look on her face. |
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| Nomi goes back to the hospital to see Molly one last time. She tells her that she kicked the shit out of Andrew Carver. So lesson learned here folks: if your musical idol is some creepy dude that looks like Wolf from the new "American Gladiators" he will probably rape the shit out of you. Oh and the best form of revenge is to continually kick someone until they pass out. Or die. It's kinda unclear at this moment.
But poor Molly. Why did SHE have to be the one that gets raped? She's surrounded by evil sleazy people while she's good-hearted and SHE gets raped? Fuck you, Joe Eszterhas. Fuck you. Nomi's about to leave when she decides to pay Cristal one last visit. There are a bunch of flowers in her room (be funny if one of them is from Andrew Carver) and Cristal knows that Nomi did in fact push her down the stairs. When asked why she didn't tell anyone, Cristal says she needed a break. That's a good way to go about it, breaking all your bones and getting a concussion. Plus she got some lawsuit settlement. So she sued the Stardust? Oh, yeah, this is the mid-90's when everyone in the world was sue happy. So now comes the final scene that everybody paid money to see: Elizabeth Berkley and Gina Gerson kissing. Normally, I'd find it erotic but since it's all super upclose and Nomi is just smudging her lipstick all over Cristal, I have to admit it was kind of a turn off. Cristal gives Nomi her hat and Nomi takes off into the sunset. |
| This section written by: Jason |
| Not since Britney & Madonna has two women kissing looked so un-sexy. |
| "By the way, your panties didn't fit me." |
| She's back on the highway, hitchhiking again. Well, look who comes along: Jeff the Yokel! For some reason he don't recognize her with the hat and glasses on and he picks her up. She takes off her "disguise" and Jeff is like "Oh fuck!" Nomi pulls out her knife and demands to know where her precious suitcase is.
Outside, the truck swerves again and Jeff says he'll give her the suitcase back. Then we see a sign saying however many miles to Los Angeles. And with this, the movie comes to a close. And yes, that sign meant there was suppose to be a sequel in which she tries to take over Hollywood. I'm guessing this time she would've been "AN ACTRESS!" and get offensive anytime called her a dancer. And wouldn't she have to change her name? Good thing this movie tanked so hard a sequel was scraped, it wouldn't have made any sense. Not that THIS made any sense but, whatever. |
| In related news, a sudden rise of herpes has taken L.A by storm. |
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| Maria I’m never ever watching this movie sober again. And I suggest you don’t. When you’ve had a few you don’t notice the extreme awfulness. All the characters are vile except one and she ends up beaten and in a hospital bed at the end of the movie. You know nothing about Nomi for the vast majority of the movie. Who is she? Why is she there? Does she really want to be a showgirl or is this just something that came along? Why isn’t she gyrating her hips at me right now? The movie makes boobs boring. And that’s all the movie has going for it, boobs. |
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| Sean When I first watched this movie, I was drunk off my ass. It must have been at least 2/3rds of a bottle of Jagermeister. I could have broken my leg and it would have been entertaining. What the alcohol really did was just shield me from the worst of this movie. Watching it again sober was an exercise in masochism. The setting is boring, nobody cares about the goings on of a Vegas showgirls act. The nudity, which I suppose is the main draw, is so frequent that it loses any appeal. The characters are awful people, with no real motivation for doing things. The worst character is Nomi. Who the hell is she? We never learn the answer to that question during the whole stinking 2 hours and 11 minutes we're watching. The plot doesn't make any sense. Everything is moved forward by her need to... something? It's not explained. The whole movie is like big budget softcore porn, without the thrills. Showgirls is utter garbage, but there may be a time when you want to watch utter garbage. If you want a movie more terrible than almost everything else out there, watch Showgirls. |
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| Felicia Uh, ok. Apart from the atrocious acting compared to other theatrically released movies, I’d say it be a great “adult” movie, if it was originally put in that genre. And I’ll have to admit the lapdance scene was kinda hot. I wonder if Elizabeth Berkeley was a total whore on the set of Saved by the Bell, if so, I wanna see some behind the scenes footage of those days. And I wonder what the other ‘kids’ think of her now that they’ve seen all her goodies. Probably isn’t such a shock since everyone’s already seen Screech’s wang. Eh, I liked it. |
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| Devon So I have to start off by saying that this was actually a really difficult movie for me to partially recap because I've seen it like 400 times, and so I've pretty much memorized everything that happens, and it was really challenging for me to come up with anything fresh and incisive to say about it. I also didn't do any funny nicknames for people like I did last time because the identity of every major character in this movie is fixed indelibly in my mind, and creating false nicknames for them felt forced and absurd (except for Gina Gershon, who is always Gina Gershon to me no matter what she's doing). One weird thing about Showgirls is that Paul Verhoeven is actually a pretty good director, so the cinematography and framing and stuff is sometimes really good, but the script and the acting are awful. I don't feel like there's a lot of other stuff I can say about it that hasn't already been said by David Schmader on the commentary track which appears on the V.I.P. Edition DVD, which is brilliant, and should definitely be checked out by you and everyone else you know. Clearly this is a film which occupies a unique, twisted and paradoxical position of relevance in our culture, as well as in my own heart. Whether it makes you want to laugh, cry, beat off, or stab your eyes out with forks, nobody with a fucking soul ever walks away unmoved. And I totally never even watched Saved By the Bell. |
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| Adam Showgirls is a movie about tits staring people who have tits. And guys who like tits but hate women. I understand how they feel. Remember that episode of Saved By the Bell when Jessie starts doing speed because she has to stay awake to study to ace her SATs? Well that episode was actually ripped off from an episode of Family Ties where Alex P. Keaton does the same thing. But anyway, if Jessie's friends had not intervened, I'm 99% sure that her life would have become this movie. I like to think that in some alternate universe, this was Jessie Spano's life. And think of the similarities between the two! Her love interest in this movie is named Zack! And…uh, that's all I got. Wait! I'm sure when her friend got raped, she probably screeched. Ouch. That was tasteless. Showgirls has more tits per capita than some small European countries, and they love their tits over in Europe. That's why Showgirls gets- |
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| Jason Oh "Showgirls", what can I say about you? Everything about you is as sleazy as a Hammond, Indiana strip club. Anytime I get done watching you, I feel I have to take 3 showers, then rub myself down with sanitizer. Then afterwards I have to take a blood test to see if I contracted any STD's. I'm still waiting for the results. But despite all of that, it's not THAT bad. The story of a sociopath chick who wants to be the top lady in Vegas makes for an interesting story, but Eszterhas and Verhooven had their heads up their asses and went about it all wrong. And I kinda like Verhooven cause he made Total Recall, which I just recently discovered to be an awesomely bad movie. And I can't figure out the casting process of this movie. "Hm. We need a leading lady that don't mind showing off her tits. What's Jessie from Saved By The Bell doing???" I'm tell you guy, Paul Verhooven just wanted to see Jessie's tits. |
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