| Slugs Ignore Everything I Say, I Love This Movie! |
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| Mike Brady-Here's the story...of a health inspector! Who was dealing with an outbreak of killer slugs! Till the one day this fellow meets a nerdy scientist! And it was much more than a hunch! He knew he had to stop them! That's the way they became...slug killers! Kim Brady-Mike's wife, who is apparently an evil teacher. Don-Mike's friend, who works in Sanitation. In other words, he's the Ed Norton of this film. David and Maureen-He looks like Griffin Dunn, until some slugs eat him from the inside. She's his wife and a drunk. Can they make this marriage work? Sheriff Reese-He looks like Fraiser's dad and yells an awful lot. John-Nerdy scientist who works with Kim. Well, I guess I mean nerdy science teacher. Whatever. Phillips-He looks like Leslie Neilsen. To him, birthday's are super important. Long List of Victims-Including a guy who looks like Robert Plant, his girlfriend, two gardeners, an old man who lives in a garbage house, and a smart uptight virgin chick. The Slugs-They may seem like your ordinary garden slugs but nope! They're MUTANT ordinary garden slugs! |
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| I get asked a lot "Jason, what gives you the right to make fun of these movies? You never worked a day on a movie set in your life! THESE PEOPLE WORK THEIR ASSES OFF MAKING A MOVIE AND HERE YOU ARE, BELITTLING THEM!!! You should go fuck yourself you God damn asshole!" And in response I say, "You should lay off the Jesus Juice, Mom."
But not every B-Movie I come across is one that I hate. There are a handful that I quite enjoy. (If "Snakes on a Plane" qualifies is up for debate.) I might've reviewed some of them here for this site. If I did, here is another one to add to the list. "Slugs". I came across this movie about 5 years ago when the local video store was closing and they were selling all their videos. Me being a B-Movie collector at the time (It never occurred to me to watch them and review them), I looked around for some to add to my collection. And I came across "Slugs". Surely a movie about killer slugs deserves a spot in my collection. So I purchased it, went home, and watched it. And brother (or sister), let me tell you, I was not disappointed. I wish EVERY B-Movie was like this. (Well I suppose you could argue that Snakes on a Plane is like this, therefore making it a B-Movie. We'll talk later.) This wonderful film starts with a couple on a boat in a lake somewhere. The female starts complaining about the male fishing, saying she didn't think he was really gonna fish. I guess seeing him leave the house with a fishing pole and a tackle box wasn't some sort of dead give-a-way. The chick is bored and because she's in a horror movie, she relieves this boredom by getting naked. Before we see anything though, the Fisherman is pulled into the water. The chick puts her clothes back on (damn it!) and calls out his name roughly 3 million times. Finally, she notices some air bubbles and calls his name out 20 million more times until the air bubbles is replaced with blood bubbles. The chick screams and we get our title. We get the title "SLUGS: THE MOVIE", which had me wondering if there was a video game version or even a book version or some reason why they had to go out of their way to say "THE MOVIE". Well, lo and behold, we get to the writing credit and it's based on a novel. Some searching on Amazon tells me, yes, this book is still available! |
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| "NO! A girl is getting naked! I'm outta here!!" |
| Be sure to look out for Slugs:The Action Figures, Slugs: The Bedsheets, and Slugs: The Toilet Paper. |
| After the credits, we see an old man walking or jogging or power walking or whatever down a street at night. Some rowdy kids (cause you know this is a horror movie, there has to be asshole kids) drive by him, nearly running him over and throwing things at him. We don't really get why they're treating him this way. Maybe it's better explained in the book.
The old man, named Ron Bell, is lying on the ground saying "Damn kids!" then gets up and runs across his dog. They go home, which Ron tells us that he's being evicted. When we see inside his home we can understand why, there's garbage everywhere! Ron roams around his house throwing garbage from one part of the house to another when we get a shot of slugs coming up through a vent. Ron sits down on a couch, then he suddenly disappears, screaming. Wow! Cool! A man eating couch!!! Now THAT'S a movie! Then all of our major characters are at some party in some restaurant. We quickly learn that Maureen is a drunk, Kim is a evil teacher, and David looks like Griffin Dunn. After a bunch of dialogue that isn't really important enough for me to remember, Mike and Kim go home to their house that looks oddly like a motel room. |
| Filmed on locaction in room 208 at the local Motel 8. |
| The next day, Mike and Sheriff Reese drive over to Ron's house to boot his ass out of the garbage home. There they find Ron's body all eaten and shit, which freaks everybody out. Mike notices some slime trails but thinks it's just the dog doing some sledding or something.
Mike returns to his office and receives a phone call from some cranky ass old lady who's yelling at Mike about a smell coming from the sewers. Maybe if she didn't eat so many prunes she wouldn't have that problem. Mike drives to the old bitches house where he meets Don setting up to check it out too. They briefly meet with the old lady, who is 10 times more annoying in person. |
| Oh baby. They finally bought in someone to sex this movie up. I'm so horny now. |
| Don climbs into the sewer and finds that the old lady's drain is clogged with stuff. Eventually, he finds dead bodies and the little stick he was using gets taken away. Don runs away, screaming.
Maureen returns home from the grocery store and throws some lettuce in her sink. She then grabs a bottle of wine and sits down and watches a movie on TV. You know, I wonder about the movies shown in movies. Are they actual movies or are they made for the movie itself? And if they're real movies, are those horrible movies too? Maybe I think too much. We see how evil Kim is when it comes to teaching. How dare she assign homework! GASP!!! Class is dismissed and we see this Robert Plant-lookin' dude make out with a girl who looks to be about 10 years younger than him. The kids go to a local malt shop (really? Is this the 50's or something?) and talk about the murder of Ron. Then some kids invite the smart chick Pam to the Halloween party that's going on that weekend. She's all like "No! Mrs. Brady gave us homework, remember??" but the gang talks her into it anyway. Why did I tell you that? I dunno, but the movie made a point to tell me, so I'm telling you. Oh well. It's time for my favorite part of the movie. Well one of my favorites. There's an old couple named Harold and Jean and they're working in a green house. And for some weird ass reason, they are very obviously dubbed. Jean asks Harold about the slug eggs she found and he's like "AWW leave me alone you withered up bitch!!" and she's like "Fine. I'm gonna go in the house and vacuum!" and he's like "FINE!" and she leaves. Harold is grumbling about the wicked hose beast he married while putting on gloves when he notices something is inside the glove!! Now for some dumb ass reason he can't just simply pull the glove off. He stands there struggling with it and going "UGH!! ERRGH!! NO!! AHH!!" while pulling on it. He runs around the greenhouse knocking shit off the shelves, before eventually running into a shelf, which falls on him. He calls for Jean, who is inside the house vacuuming, smoking, listening to the radio, cooking a ham, doing a Suduku puzzle, doing a Rubick’s cube, shaving her pubes, and break dancing all at the same time. So obviously she can't hear him. Harold decides that he's too stupid to just pull the glove off so he does the next smart thing: cut his hand off. While doing so, Jean does more things like do her taxes, shampoo her llama's hair, eat a gyro, watch a porno, and drink a glass of water while her ventriloquist dummy talks. Somehow during all of that, she FINALLY hears Harold and runs off to help him, dropping the baby she was breast feeding. She runs in and finds Harold chopping his hand off and she's like "WTF?!" whereas I'm "LOL!!!" even "ROTFLMFAO!!" and they just stand there screaming when something connects to something, which starts a fire, which connects to something and then finally, KA-BLOOOOM!!! Nice. |
| She also has to hand stitch every piece of furniture in the room, spray for roaches, check the mouse traps, and do a hula hoop. |
| "OW! I OW keep OW missing OW the damn OW slug! OW!!" |
| I guess we found something that McGuyver couldn't put together in time. |
| Mike returns home and Kim tells him that Harold and Jean died in a really stupid manner and Mike is all like "NO!! I liked them!! They shouldn't die ever cause I like them!!" But they are quickly forgotten when Mike notices the slugs in the garden Kim's fixing up. Mike goes to touch one when suddenly, he's bitten!
Mike gets pissed off and decides to keep it as a pet. He and Kim run it over to Kim's school and gives it to the science teacher John. Um, isn't there a better person to give it to? I mean, I know teachers have to know their shit to teach, but wouldn't John had to have been rejected from EVERY science lab in the country in order to accept a teaching job? Anyway, they all look at it and Mike tells him the slug is trying to eat people so John should keep an eye on it. He's confused as fuck but goes "Ok." |
| Introducing the Slug Nail Cutters! |
| Kim: "Wow, he wasn't kidding! He is hung like a horse." John: "I dare say, I am the Mack Daddy." |
| Back at the drunk palace, David returns home and Maureen was passed out on the couch. She wakes up and realizes she didn't start dinner! The lush! So she runs into the kitchen and pretends she was working oh so hard on dinner. We then see a slug climbed into the head of lettuce and she starts cutting it up. Yum. David and Maureen have some sexual advances to each other, and for some reason they're dubbed too.
Jumps to later and David is feeling something wrong in his tummy. He tries to act all macho in front of Maureen, but she's too drunk to notice. After vomiting all over the place, Maureen passes out again. David cries over his paperwork, while rubbing his tummy. Also on this night, Robert Plant is sitting outside in his car waiting for his girlfriend's parents to leave their house. Since the parents appear to be roughly 99 years old, they take forever to leave. When they do, Mr. Plant walks in and immediately makes out with the girl. I don't remember her name (The dude was screaming it in a scene coming up) so I'm just gonna call her Zoso, sticking with the Zeppelin reference. Robert Plant and Zoso continue making out when Plant notices the bar is fully stocked. Yep, this guy is SO Robert Plant. Zoso is all pissed off that she's being ignored for a bottle of booze, so she starts getting naked. To take a break from the sexual tension, we see what John's up to. He's cutting a slug in half and checking out it's DNA when another slug escapes it's cage and crawls into a hamster cage. Soon a death match ensues!! It's slug vs Hamtaro!!! And sluggy is kicking ass!!! John lays money on the slug and wins 2000 bucks in a 5 point spread. |
| "Baby, I ain't foolin'! I ain't waitin any longer! For that stairway to heaven!" |
| The Cake Shaped Arena Battle scene from "Kingdom of Loathing: The Movie" |
| Back at the Zep house, Plant and Zoso are fucking. But Mr. Plant is having some, uh, "issues", so he hits the bottle again. I was disturbed that you could see his wang in some shots, but we see Zoso's tits so it's all good. Robert Plant gets pissed at Zoso and attempts to leave the bed when he finds the floor is covered with slugs!!
Zoso doesn't get this and immediately springs out of the bed, screaming. The slugs attack and start eating her, with Robert Plant doing the manly thing and try to escape from the window. I should point out he was still naked so even if he did escape, I wonder what he would've done next. Just go next door? "Ding-dong! Hi, it's Robert Plant. I'm, uh, naked and my girlfriend is being eaten by slugs. Hey! Don't slam the-" BANG! Talk about a Communication Breakdown. HAHAHA! Anyway, Robert Plant is eventually eaten too. |
| Damn, no wonder everyone stopped eating at Taco Bell. |
| Here's your Boobie Shot(TM). Thank me later. |
| Thank God someone laid out some garbage bags for her to land on. |
| The next day, David wakes up and feels like shit. He has a meeting with some people from some company to build something. David meets them at a restaurant to discuss this plan.
Meanwhile, Don calls Mike and tells him he knows what's going on!! GASP!! We're getting an explanation!! A stupid one, but it's an explanation! Usually movies like this are good for just having things happen with no reasoning whatsoever. So what is causing these slugs to go bat shit insane? Sometime in the 50's there was a toxic waste dump nearby, but they realized that wasn't a good idea so they buried it. And, well, they forgot about it, cause now it has been unearthed, releasing all kinds of toxic stuff. The slugs crawled into it and now, well, they're mutants now. But only the slugs? I mean, how come there aren't mutant worms (Remember Earthworm Jim??) or turtles (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!) or even like birds (Hmm...don't recall any mutant bird characters). Just slugs? Whatever. While this is going on, David is having his lunch with the business people talking about whatever. David really feels like shit but he fakes a smile. Well, the smile is wiped away when his FUCKIN HEAD EXPLODES!!!! HOLY FUCK, DUDE!!!!! |
| And the Crypt Keeper was born. |
| In case you don't get it, David ate the slug salad the night before, and the dead slugs, who are mutated, has mutated maggots, so they pretty much ate through him until he exploded. Best scene number two right here.
Mike gets a call at Don's place about David head asplode and the Sheriff yells at him about doing his job cause this is the job for the health inspector. Mike is all confused and takes the mutated maggots and runs over to John's place to figure shit out. John tells him yes we're dealing with mutated slugs, who bring about mutated maggots, and we're all gonna die, so let's just surrender to the slugs now! Mike rushes home to find the slugs are coming through the faucets and drains and stuff and realizes that it'll only be a matter of time before they do that everywhere!! So Mike rushes to the water department and talks to Leslie Nielsen about turning the water off. Now, this is my last favorite moment in this movie and it's only because of a line in this movie. When I grow old, I'm gonna write a book of classic lines I've heard in every B-Movie I've ever watched and this scene is going to be in that book. |
| Lt. Frank Drebin: Water Squad! |
| Ladies and gentlemen...I introduce you to "The Happy Birthday Line".
(The Clip is 8 second long for you dial-up users) There is no reason for Leslie Nielsen to say that. He just blurts it out. Mike is all, "Umm....ok" and leaves. But soon slugs climb through the toilet and bite at his ass when he goes to take a shit, so how's yelling Happy Birthday now, Leslie! Mike then runs to the Mayor, who is meeting with the people David was meeting with and tells him to tell Leslie Nielsen to turn the water off. The Mayor is like "Um...you're crazy". Maybe if Mike didn't go around saying there was man eating slugs, people would listen. I mean he's a health inspector. He could just say there's a deadly virus in the water system and it needs to be turned off to fix it or whatever. Who's gonna say no to that? But no. Mike goes the crazy route and rattles on and on about killer slugs. The Mayor is like "Um...no" and turns the water on to prove it. Mike wishes everyone Happy Birthday and leaves. Mike goes back to John's place and sees that John invented a chemical that causes the slugs to explode. But the catch is it only explodes when it comes in contact with water. The slugs are in the sewer. Yeah. Mike goes to Don's place and tells him of his plan to blow up the slugs. Don breaks character and asks the writer of this movie "What the fuck? A chemical that explodes when touched by water and we're going into the sewer with it?" But the director brow-beats him and Don goes "Ok, fine." And in a scene which means he's gonna bite the dust, Don tells his wife he'll be back later. Yeah, and I'm married to Katherine Heigel. Anyway, we get a montage of John putting the chemical together, along with Mike and Don suiting up to go into the sewer. |
| Aw man, not the bong water! or Damn, he sure pee's a lot. |
| The Ghostbusters are sent in to stop the slugs! |
| Meanwhile, the happenin' Halloween party is underway and one guy is trying to get it on with the smart chick in Kim's class. She's kinda on the fence about it but ends up being a horrible cocktease. The guy gets frustrated and decides to hump a tree or something. The girl takes off in another direction. Some guy sees her and puts on a mask. Then he attacks her, trying to rape her. Cause you know, raping the smart uptight chick is the in-thing to do. If you're gonna rape someone, make it the school slut. (The More You Know.)
Smart Girl manages to escape with her virginity in tact but she falls into a sewer hole or something and gets chomped by slugs. Hmm, maybe if she only gave in to the first guy to begin with, she would be alive. So ladies, next time a guy wants to do you, do it. Or you'll be eaten by man-eating slugs. (The More You Know.) Mike and Don head into the sewer and they spend roughly 25 minutes running around down there trying to figure out where the slugs hang out. They finally find it and call John on the radio to go to the spot and get ready to dump the chemical into the sewer. They realize they can't get out, so Don tries to burst open this door he finds. But behind it was a tidal wave, which pushes him into the slug pool. Within seconds, Don is toast. If Jack Bauer was around, he would shout DAMMIT! But instead we get this Mike Brady guy so he goes "Aw man!" Up on top, John tries to undo the manhole but because he's a wimpy scientist guy, he can't. Until Sheriff Reese finds him. What? How did he find him? And how did he know what he was doing? Whatever. They get the cover off and Mike climbs up. They dump the chemical into the sewer and every fucking thing in the entire town explodes!!! WOW!!! I hope no one was taking a dump right at that moment. Kim arrives and she reunites with Mike, who drives away into the sun...er it's at night so...moonlight. We think it's over, but nope. It's a horror movie. We gotta get a twist ending. And that ending is...MIKE IS REALLY A GIANT SLUG!! AHHH!!! Ok, no. That would've been cool. But instead we see one lone slug sitting on something. And since John told us earlier that slugs are hermaphrodites, they can reproduce asexually. That sounds like fun, huh? |
| Let's put another SLUG on da' barbie, mate! |
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| I absolutely love this movie because it's so damn goofy. I mean killer slugs? And half of the cast is dubbed for some weird ass reason. And of course the happy birthday line. What's not to love about this movie? So remember boys and girls, you can't just go around wishing people a happy birthday. You must get authorization first.
(The More You Know) |
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