| The Stuff If The Blob Was A Dessert |
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| David-Played by Michael Moriarty. Some sort of investigator sent to figure out what "The Stuff" really is. Nicole-Token chick. She was the PR manager for "The Stuff" until finding out it can kill you. Chocolate Chip Charlie-Played by Garrett Morris. He use to make a bunch of chocolate chip cookies until "The Stuff" outsold him. Knows kung-fu. Jason-Kid who's family was overtaken by "The Stuff". Col. Spears-Played by Paul Sorvino. One of those crazy militant guys who hides out in forests waiting to take over America. Vickers-Played by Danny Aiello. FDA guy who approved "The Stuff". Scared of his dog. The Stuff-Take "The Blob", make it white and edible, and viola! |
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| I'm changing my rating cause after watching it again after not seeing it for awhile I realize how awesomely bad it is. And as I stated, I realize the awesomeness that is Michael Moriarty. This was also bought to you by one Larry Cohen, who's resume is equally interesting. He wrote and/or directed many fine movies. So what am I saying? This movie is pretty damn good and enjoyable. And actually, it's quite addicting. I...must....CONSUME!!!!!!! Ouch. I gotta go to the hospital now. |
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| This is one of three movies that appear on this site starring Michael Moriarty and while doing this update I realize how awesome of a B-movie actor he is. He's just funny and swarmy and for some reason every movie I see him in he has a different accent or speech pattern. I think he may be the Peter Sellers of B-Movies. Scanning his resume on imdb I remember that he popped up in an episode of Masters of Horror called "Pick Me Up" where he played a murderous truck driver. There's also a movie he wrote called "Hitler Meets Christ" but not much infomation, besides the fact he plays Hitler, is known about that. Anyway. "The Stuff". |
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| Two old guys are at a mine. One of them finds some white stuff oozing out of the ground. What's the normal thing you do in that situation? Pick it up with your fingers and eat it, of course! They decide that "the stuff", hence the name, tastes good and somehow market it has a dessert. Meanwhile, a shirtless Jason (no not me, get the image of me shirtless out of your heads) looks in his fridge one night and finds The Stuff moving on it's own. He freaks out and tries to tell his asshole of a father about it, but he won't believe him, of course. He is a kid in a horror movie. Adults don't believe kids in horror movies until it's too late. I dunno about you but if there ever comes a time when my sister says "I think the rug is trying to kill us" you'll find me outside buring a $30 rug we got from Target. Sure I'll look crazy now but in the long run, you'll thank me. Oh yeah. "The Stuff". |
| There's totally a gay joke here but I'm gonna leave it alone. |
| Even Glenn Close Look-A-Likes Love The Stuff! |
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| Oddly enough, this kid questions any white fluffy stuff that comes from the ground. |
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| It'd be ironic if Pepsi put any money towards this film. |
| Some company, we're not sure exactly, hires David to check out what's up with this "The Stuff". A bunch of back story stuff is explained like he use to work with the F.B.I but now...he doesn't. And his main job now is to infiltrate companies and expose secrets. I mentioned Michael Moriarty's accent. In this one he has a slight southern accent. After making a stop in a lab where we see COKE as big as day (and even gets a mention), we go to some runway somewhere where models wearing bikini's and fur coats, eating The Stuff. I don't know what it all means but ok. Nicole is shouting stage directions while the models try their best not to immedately throw up after eating such a fatty substance. David appears and interrupts this awesome photo shoot (with live music playing for some reason). And after only knowing each other for five minutes, David and Nicole decide to fuck. You slick asshole, you. Jason decides to get revenge on his asshole family by going to the local supermarket and just trashing anything having to do with "The Stuff". And holy shit is this "stuff" everywhere. It's in the freezer. It's in the fridge isle with the butter. It's even getting stacked in a comically tall pyrimad off to the side. Jason is stopped and probably arrested but we don't see him for awhile so I guess he got 30 days or something. |
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| Even America's Next Lame Models love "The Stuff"! |
| Yeah! Take out the cottage cheese while you at it!! That shit is nasty! |
| David stop humping Nicole long enough to talk to Danny Aiello, who plays a former FDA guy. He continually gives nervous looks at his dog while talking to David. When Danny leaves for a minute, David finds a shitload of empty "Stuff" containers and learns that's all the dog will eat. Danny quickly gets rid of David by giving him some file and begs the dog not to hurt him. But hurt him he does. The dog sorta becomes possessed and unhinges his jaw and a big glop of white stuff comes out and kills Danny. Tough break, Danny. But it's ok. "The Professional" is only a few years away. David ends up in some broke down town somewhere and talks to a gas station attendant, who doesn't seem to know anything. Another mysterious car arrives and it none other than Chocolate Chip Charlie, also looking for answers. It appears The Stuff took over his cookie company and now he's pissed! David and Charlie talk to the guy in the post office and learns about ANOTHER small town somewhere. The post office guy starts acting strangely and he too starts violently vomiting white gooey stuff, which makes a break for it. They decide, wisely, to get the fuck outta there but now they're being chased by local hillbillies. The only way to escape is by boat, which is helpfully pushed into the water by one of the angry hillbillies. Eventually they find a diner and come to the conclusion that "The Stuff" possesses people, making them crave it all the time and it eventually takes over their bodies. So...like any other kind of dessert. MMM...pumpkin pie. And oreos. Excuse me for a minute, I have to drool. |
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| Even Marmaduke loves "The Stuff"! |
| "I'm Danny Aiello, what the fuck am I doing here?" |
| I think the Dannon Mouthwash was a bad idea. |
| Even Flo loves The Stuff! "Kiss my Stuff!" |
| After telling Charlie to go to Washington, D.C to get the Fed's involve, David hooks back up with Nicole, who feels bad for being one of the many people involved and for coming up with the name. Really? YOU thought of that? How long did THAT take? And I gotta wonder what the rejected names where? "The White Goop"? "White!"? "Blobby Thing"? David reads in the newspaper about Jason's antics and decides to pay him a visit. Probably good timing. We check in on Jason and he's grounded in his room. His family, meanwhile, is possessed by The Stuff and it's literally all they eat. They want Jason to eat some so he'll be part of the family, so he tricks them by dumping it into the toilet and replacing it with shaving cream and eating that. But he can't keep that up for too long and eventually just runs out of the house. Thankfully, David just happens to show up at this time and picks him up, saying he believes him, leaving his Stuff possessed family behind. |
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| "Hey, I'm hungry, what do you got in your fridge?" "Stuff." "Fuck you if you're not gonna answer me"! |
| Serious Question: How come there isn't 3-D porn? You think by now there would be. |
| Before continuing, I wanna talk about the ad's that appear for "The Stuff" during parts of this movie. First there's a "Breakin'" inspired ad with dancers in brightly colored leotards prancing around, dancing the praises of "The Stuff". But the best one has to be this old couple out to dinner in a super fancy restaurant. But it's not just any old couple. It's fuckin' Abe Vigoda!! And Clara Peller aka the "Where's The Beef?" lady!! Wow!! She actually parodies her trademark by asking "Where's The Stuff?" Oh Larry Cohen, you genius bastard. |
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| Even the cast of "Fame" loves "The Stuff"! |
| "Bernice! This Stuff tastes better than your pus-" What, is that going too far? |
| Where's The Paycheck? |
| Ok, back to our story. David, Jason, and Nicole get on a plane and fly to where The Stuff is manufactured. Jason fell asleep so he got left on the plane. David and Nicole take a tour of the factory and want to know how The Stuff is made. The foreman won't tell them otherwise they'd have to kill them. Well, they're gonna do that anyway. Jason wakes up on the plane with The Stuff coming towards him. He escapes and manages to make it to the factory. He stupidly climbs inside one of the tanker trucks and gets locked in. David and Nicole check into a hotel but their boinking gets interrupted by their pillow, which was filled with The Stuff. I wonder how they didn't notice that. Nicole decides to KILL IT WITH FIRE! which actually works, but the downside is the entire hotel caught on fire. Oops. |
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| "Oh I wonder what that kid is doing up there? Oh well, not my job to worry about it." |
| The plot for the upcoming "Fletch" remake is finally reveled! |
| When Kinky Sex Gets Out of Hand. |
| Take Off, Ya Hoser! |
| Pissed off, David and Nicole decide to find out what's up with this "Stuff" once and for all. They follow some tanker trucks, one which still has Jason inside it, to the spot where they syphon up The Stuff, which comes directly from the ground. Nicole is grossed out by this but David doesn't have time, he's got bombs to plant. And I'm gonna point out and it's never really explained what "The Stuff" is. We learn it comes up from the ground but where did it come from? Why does it have a mind of it's own? And why does it taste good? None of this is explored. David sneaks around, planting bombs, when he comes across the truck Jason is in. David plans on stealing a truck full of "Stuff" to prove that it eats and kills peoples. Which...doesn't make sense. Cause it's available everywhere and it has a mind of its own so it's not gonna kill on command. But whatever, they rescue Jason and steal a truck with "Stuff". So something that bothers me that I see all the time in movies. Anytime someone is driving and there's cops or whatever around, the cops think they can stand in front of the oncoming vehicle telling them to stop, but is surprised when they don't and jump out of the way at the last second. Honestly if I was a cop, I won't bother. I'd be like "Eh, get out of here. I rather chase you in my cop car anyway, where somewhere down the road I'll run up a ramp and flip my car sideways." Oh right. "The Stuff". David says the only person that'll believe them is a super crazy militant colonal, Col. Spears. He lives somewhere in the forest (naturally) and apparently David did some undercover sting on Spears in the past, so NATURALLY he'll be happy to help. David does talk him into it and Spears is ready to go to war! |
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| "Yeah me standing here waving my arms will get them to stop!" |
| *Ahem* "Ye sire, I, Lord Davidth requests the presence of yon king, sireth..." |
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| "I'm Paul Sorvino, what the fuck am I doing here?" |
| Ooh, I know a certain director who's a fan of "The Shining"! |
| Spears thinks if he talks about this on his radio show-What? Yeah he's got a radio show. In fact, he owns a radio station. What? Crazy militant assholes can own radio stations. Look at Rush Limbaugh. And Bill O'Reilly. Anyway. They prepare their statements for the air when Charlie shows up. We learn Spears is racists, which makes him even more loveable. But Charlie has a secret. He's stoned! Ok no. He's possessed by The Stuff, which explodes out of him and attacks Nicole and Jason. David manages to burn it and this time not blowing up the radio station. Everyone goes on the air and tells their horrid tale about "The Stuff" and almost instantly everyone in the country (yes this radio station broadcasts across the country) believes them and starts torching The Stuff and destroying anything "Stuff" related. Nicole manages to get her own TV show apologizing about the whole thing, which I heard finally beat out "American Idol" in the ratings. We then go to the office of this guy we met earlier that offered David some job but I don't know what any of that was about so I skipped it. David shows up and Office Dude is pissed that David destroyed The Stuff, but it's ok cause they're gonna repackage it and call it "The Taste". Since Nicole doesn't want anything to do with this anymore I'm sure this wasn't her genius idea. David stops that too by forcing Office Dude and Some Other Guy to eat The Stuff, so they know how it feels to be addicted to it and be possessed. Then we focus on some crackheads, but here they're called "Stuffheads" and they're selling black market "Stuff" out of vans. Annnd...the end! Hooray! |
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| "Quick get into these things that The Stuff can fill up easily!" |
| Ahh, I think Garrett was a tad bit high during this movie. Explains a lot. |
| "Let's throw some Beatles albums in there while we're at it!" |
| "I'm Michael Moriarty and this is...Unsolved Mysteries!" |