Super Sweet 16: The Movie
Like, OMG! This Movie TOTALLY Sucks!
Jacquie aka "Jackie"-I refuse to keep typing that horrible misspelling so I use the correct spelling. Anyway, Jackie's a super rich chick who has good intentions but inadvertantly goes to the dark side!
Sarah-Jackie's B.F.F, the "poorer" of the two. She's a vegan and a humanitarian. In other words, super annoying.
Taylor Tiara-Picture a combination of Sharpay and Meredith and you have this chick. She wants to ruin the friendship between Jackie and Sarah for what appears to be no reason, but the writers shoehorn in a reason at the end.
Shannon-Taylor's brother and all around good guy. Obsessed with filming things, which turns into a plot point. Falls for Sarah.
Rowdy Roddy Piper-Played by himself. Yes I'm serious. He plays himself in this movie.
Eden-Played by Debra Wilson. A stuck up party planner that just happens to have tattoos. This movie has weird casting issues.
Chole & Smart Chick-Taylor's sidekicks who constantly get abused by her. Smart Chick has a name but I didn't catch it the first time and didn't feel like going back to get it.
Sky Storm-Sarah's other friend who's possibly a secret super hero with a name like that.
This site is no stranger to the stupidity that is MTV reality shows. I've covered three god awful episodes of "Date My Mom", which is sort of a popular feature here. If I were to run out of Date My Mom episodes (which is very unlikely), the next show I would probably cover would be...Next.

But AFTER that would definitely be "My Super Sweet 16".

If you avoid MTV like the plague, let me bring you up to speed. My Super Sweet 16 is a reality show about spoiled bitches (and in some cases dudes) planning their sweet 16 parties. Cause apparently turning 16 is a big deal. If it is, no one told me this, especially when I was 16. I think I got a shirt and The Jetson's movie on VHS for my 16th birthday, so I don't really relate to finding it all that special.

Pretty much these bitches whine and whine and whine about how they want their party, coming up with stupid ass ideas and the parents are just standing there wishing they could just kill themselves. It's really an awful show and it shouldn't be aired cause it gives impressionable people the wrong idea. My sister is starting to go down this path and she's only 12. God help us all when she does turn 16. I think I'm gonna fake my death for that year.

Then of all fucking things, I heard there was A MOVIE! A MOVIE!! How in the holy hell do you turn THAT into a movie? I thought it was like when they tried to make The Real World into a movie, but alas we get a fictional sweet 16 party. And boy howdy...

Almost every single "actor" in this movie isn't really an actor, just...people MTV found to be in this damn thing. And apparently half the people in this movie are well-known among the young MTV viewers, but I have no fuckin' clue who any of these people are.

We're introduced to Sarah and "Jackie" (I refuse to type out the awful misspelling of Jackie. How do you fuck up the name Jackie??) and they have the same exact birthday, which of course means they're best friends forever!

For some reason or another Jackie went to some far away school during Freshmen year, but now she's back! FOR REVENGE!!! Eh..ok no. She's just back. None of this is ever explained. So Jackie and Sarah see each other again and they have some stupid secret handshake that I shouldn't have mentioned so forget this sentence.

They go off to school and Sarah attempts to show Jackie around, but Taylor shows up. As I said up in the description of her, she's pretty much Sharpay and Meredith. Hell this entire movie practically steals shit from High School Musical AND Bratz. If you're gonna rip-off other people's material, at least rip-off some GOOD shit, like maybe a John Hughes film. Oh wait...they kinda do that too.

Taylor finds out that Jackie's dad is the publisher of some fashion rag that she and her companions Chloe and Smart Chick (I didn't get her name and I frankly don't care) read. So Taylor decides to be "B.F.F.N" (Best Friends For Now...I wanna slap the shit out of the writers) with Jackie to exploit this cause this means Jackie is rich beyond anyone's control.

Sarah is like "Uh oh" and realizes that having Taylor sink her teeth into Jackie isn't a good idea. Especially since she isn't a vampire. That's just weird. I wanna point out that Sarah made a friend her freshman year named Sky Storm. That's seriously her name. There's must be some spinoff movie where she's a superhero or some shit. Sky Storm. Ugh.

So we learn all their character traits within the first 5 minutes of this movie. Sarah is a vegan who's all political and is an activist. And the chick playing her is a pretty bad actress. I'm guessing she's one of the famous people that everybody on the planet knows but me.

Jackie is rich but sensible (for now) and is all into fashion. The chick playing her has horrible fucked up teeth and hath a lisp. Stho every word thee says sthounds like sthis. I notice this about five minutes in and she continues to talk like that, which annoyed me to no end.

The "plot" sets into motion when Taylor invites Jackie to a party at her house while Sarah is in the foreground looking all left out. Suddenly, it's a Bergman film. I'm wishing Death would visit me at this point, I wouldn't even play a game with him, I'll go willingly.
Take "High School Musical", "Bratz", add a little "16 Candles", subtract any talent all those movies had, replace with shitty actors, writers, directors, and editors, and you have "Super Sweet 16: The Movie". Everything was just fuckin' awful. There was a few moments where they made lame jokes and I laughed, the best one being Jackie asking Taylor why she changed her last name and literally everybody in the entire school, including people that weren't nearby going "GASP!!" Just like that, like they were reading from a cue card. Still, avoid this movie, it'll only make you dumber and more likely want to hurt yourself, or someone close by.
As for me, I'm finally done with this teenage girl film crap. Like totally! OMG!
Read The Reviews!
"Whath? Doth my teeth look sthat badth?"
"Don't mind me over here, I had to take a leak anyway."
So Jackie and Sarah go to this party and we get our first appearance by some band I never heard of but I'm sure all the kool krazy kids today know them and go nuts or whatever. They're a group called hellogoodbye. Yes it's all together like that and no capitalization. Ahh the youth of today.

Since it's MTV, this turns into a stupid music video for this song while Sarah looks bored. I think she's more into the White Stripes or maybe even Gnarls Barkley. I would like Sarah if it wasn't for the vegan thing. She ends up with a drop of water on her vegan shirt and decides to go inside.

There, she meets Shannon, a super creepy lookin' dude who's just sitting there staring at a video. Sarah walks in and sees that the video he's watching is of Sarah talking to a group of kids about something that I'm sure involves planting trees or hugging animals or saving rats or something. Instead of being creeped out by this whole thing, Sarah talks to him and it appears they have some history together. Hmm...

Well, ok. Only a good film would imply that. This is a crappy film, so this is pretty out of place here. Outside, Taylor gives Jackie a necklace with the letter A on it. Hmm...where did I see that before? A bunch of slutty chicks wearing A's on their chest? HMMM!

Anyway, this means that Jackie is part of this club that doesn't really exist called the Ambassadors Club. It's really just in excuse to walk around and act popular and stuff. I guess. Jackie accepts and they leave.

The next day, week, year, whatever, Sarah and her group of school activist people have a meeting. For some weird ass reason instead of meeting up in the school, they're meeting up in an abandoned warehouse. Maybe it's to remind themselves how crappy people have it or something, I dunno. Jackie is suppose to go to this but Taylor, trying to break up the friendship between Jackie and Sarah for no apparent reason, talks Jackie into going shopping with her, which she does.

Sarah forgives Jackie for not showing up as they bond over ice cream. WAIT! Sarah's a vegan! She can't eat dairy!!! HA!!! Gotcha movie! Sarah and Jackie start planning for their sweet 16 party and they have different ideas. Sarah wants to turn the party into a benefit for poor kids or something. But since Jackie invited Taylor to put her bitchy hand into this, her and Jackie wanna do a fashion show thingy or something. Shannon, who's there to "document" all this (PLOT POINT!!) comes up with an idea to combine both ideas and they agree reluctantly..
More like "hellogoodbye" to their careers! HA! I'm funny...
"You look good on camera, especially in the shower. Hehehehehe..."
I normally wouldn't complain about seeing some chick's bra poking out of her bra...so I won't.
Glad to see Sarah gets a Brazillian Wax.
(Cause her shirt says "NO FUR" you see)
Now it's dress shopping time! And time for Taylor to further push things apart between Jackie and Sarah. Jackie finds a dress she likes and wants to get, so she gives it to Taylor to watch. Taylor then tiptoes over to Sarah and gives her Taylor's dress, which Sarah loves. She thinks she can't afford it, so does Jackie, but one call to Daddy and all is A-OK in Sarah's world.

Also while shopping, they run into Debra Wilson from Mad TV. I say Debra Wilson instead of her character name cause you clearly see her tattoos that Debra has all down her back. Nobody in wardrobe tried to hide this for some reason. And no, this character having tattoos don't make sense cause she's suppose to be a super snooty person, as we see later in the movie. She's only here in this place to introduce her, instead of it making sense later when they need a party planner.

At school, Jackie confronts Sarah about buying the dress and a big ol' fight ensues about who's being the bigger bitch and neither one of them take the time to figure out that Taylor was the one that got in the way of their friendship and ruined it and tried to cut her out altogether.

So they both storm away and vow to never speak to each other ever again. Which is what Taylor wanted cause now she can have her lawyer go to Sarah's Heartfelt Club and hand her a cease and desist letter, basically meaning Sarah's sweet 16 can't be held at the same place as Jackie’s.

Sarah presses on and decides to hire Eden to plan the party. This movie almost had something right when we see both sides planning to hire a party planner and they had me thinking it was gonna be the same person. But for some reason, Eden went with Sarah and her Dad, who I swear to GOD is Rowdy Roddy Piper.

Hear me. This isn't Roddy Piper playing a dude in this movie. HE'S PLAYING HIMSELF!!! Which really don't make sense because, I swear to God again, Sarah's last name is Connor. Yes. Sarah Connor. I guess this is the Terminator pre-quel they been talking about.
Yeah Debra, talk about "Lowered Expectations".
What, did Michel Gondry special guest direct or something?
"What? I used up my entire paycheck from 'Hell Comes To Frogtown'!"
AND Co-starring a retarded Gary Coleman!
But fucking Roddy Piper is in THIS movie playing HIMSELF! And apparently he's still getting royalty checks from They Live and Hell Comes to Frogtown cause he's suppose to be well-off, but not super rich like Jackie and her family are.

Anyway, Eden decides to hold the party on the Queen Mary or Elizabeth or whatever boat that is and Roddy Piper is getting pummeled to the mat by dollar signs all over the place. But it's his baby's only sweet 16 party, so whatever baby wants, baby get. As long as you don't put Baby in the corner.

Jackie's party is being planned by some dude that we don't see ever again. There's also a bunch of subplots involving Jackie, like her Mom running for Mayor of Governor or something. And Jackie convincing Daddy to spend even more money on this thing. And if you seen the show, you know the rundown. The setting has to be JUST RIGHT. Only the cool people can show up. And of course there has to be some famous singer or band at this party. Why not have hellogoodbye, they seem to not have much else to do but show up at rich kid's random parties? Oh, right, they're not famous. (ZING!)
If this was "Lost" I'd be trying to figure out the stuff written in the background. But again, if this was "Lost" I wouldn't want to kill myself.
"I call this the Amy Winehouse Make-over!"
They were talking about some dude named Pretty Ricky. I seen this guy at the end, he's not so pretty. I dunno what the big deal is about this guy anyway. I think Jay-Z would've been a better choice. Jigga what!

Oh ok I'll go back to the plot if I must.

For some reason on the show, they make a big deal about handing out invitations to the party and everybody in the stupid school MUST go cause "it's gonna be the biggest party OF THE YEAR!" until someone else has a sweet 16 party the next week.

So of course the handing out invitations must be seen here. Sarah starts handing hers out at first and everyone's grabbing them up. Then Jackie and Taylor show up. And to one-up Sarah, they have hot male AND female models handing them out, so of course everyone wants to get those invitations.

Now you're probably thinking to yourself "Jason, why did you watch this awful movie? Why do you watch ANY awful movie?" Then after those, you go "Couldn't the student's just go to both parties?" To answer those in order: "I don't know, I hate myself deep down inside, and no they couldn't."

Taylor made some stupid rule saying the students have to choose only one party and if it's not hers, er sorry, JACKIE'S, some stupid sensor thing will let the guards outside know. Yeah yeah...I know. Don't say it. I know.

Things start taking a nosedive for Sarah when this Pretty Ricky dude decides not to show up or something. So now she's scrambling to find some desperate singer/band to come on. The list includes: Snow, Vanilla Ice, The Part of Milli Vanilli That's Still Alive, Tony Orlando and/or Dawn, The Captain and Tenille, Kris Kross, and finally Hall & Oates.

While figuring this out, Shannon comes in and offers to take her to this super kickass place that serves vegan food. Sarah decides to go for it and stupidly leaves her party planning book behind. (PLOT POINT #2!) Sarah goes to her house to get ready and when she comes out it looks like she just woke up from having rough sex with Marilyn Manson. None of this is ever explained, I guess it's suppose to be "humorous" on it's own.

And you'll never believe in a million years where this super kickass vegan place is.
Just guess.
Yes. Fuckin' Chili's.
It wouldn't surprise you to know that Chili's sponsored this movie. Yes, they were the ONLY sponsor. And of course inside Chili's (Filmed on location by the way), both Shannon and Sarah start talking like those idiotic people you see in commercials.

Shannon: I like this place! They have all kinds of great food for everybody!
Sarah: Yes! I like Chili's! They're the best!

You think I'm trying to be funny. I'm not (this time). They really have that exchange in the movie. So during their super kickass meal at Chili's Shannon pulls out his laptop to show all these pictures he took when he went to volunteer down in New Orleans after Katrina. (PLOT POINT #3!) But all Sarah wants to talk about is the damn party and trying to one-up Jackie. Shannon realizes Sarah is slowly turning into an evil bitch and munches on his Baby-baby-baby-baby back ribs. Barbeque sauce!

(Seriously Chili's, if you'd sponsor this piece of shit movie, you can sponsor me. I love Chili's! They have everything!! I'll even write a review in a Chili's! YEAH!!)

Later, Eden shows up and tells Roddy Piper that his daughter cancelled the Queen Mary Elizabeth boat thingy. (I can't believe I typed that sentence.) Sarah realizes that "someone" got ahold of her party planning book, that had all the confirmation numbers AND Roddy Piper's credit card numbers.

Jesus! First off, Roddy, you're a cool guy and everything but come on! How stupid do you have to be to leave your credit card numbers AND confirmation numbers WITH a teenage kid, a girl no less? (Can't wait to read THOSE emails). Secondly, Sarah, what the fuck is wrong with you just leaving that shit all out in the open? Even if your book wasn't stolen, that's pretty stupid of you to be walking around with that stuff. GAH!! This movie is stupid.

So Sarah pieces it together and confronts Jackie about stealing her book. Jackie denies it but when she opens her locker, taa-daa the book is inside! Sarah more or less tells Jackie to fuck off, while Jackie figured out that it was Taylor who put the book in her locker. Taylor blames it on Chloe.

It took this for everybody to confront Taylor about her bitchiness. Not only does Jackie leave the Ambassador's Club, but so does Chloe cause she's sick of all the fat jokes and Smart Chick cause she's sick of playing dumb. So Taylor is left all alone and she's confused cause, like OMG! This totally never happened to her before!

So now everybody's mad at everyone, all the parties are cancelled, and everyone's depressed. What's gonna resolve this problem? How about a mysterious knock on both Sarah and Jackie's door? They answer and they find a DVD waiting for them.
For some reason, I thought Nicole Richie's sex tape would be better.
Chili's: So Good We'll Show Unnessessary Close-Up's Of People Wiping Their Mouths
"Hm I wonder if anybody figured out I was the one who left that mess in the toilet..."
The following takes place between Jason's aneurysm and Jason Shooting Up MTV Studios.
Expecting a hostage video, they instead find this inspiring video clearly made by Shannon with intercut photo's of the Katrina disaster with video Shannon took of Sarah and Jackie acting like spoiled brats. They both cry and realize they should've said fuck this country and volunteered to feed the hungry in Africa.

Eh ok no. They both decide to resolve their differences and decide to join forces!! They plan the kickass party of the year and EVERYBODY (But Taylor) is invited!! MONTAGE OF PARTY PLANNING! WOO WE'RE HAPPY AGAIN!!

So now it's the night of the party and everyone's trying to get in. For some dumbass reason, Sarah and Jackie show up in a fire truck. Eh ok, I'll admit it's pretty cool. They have some kids with them cause this party is really "for them", even though they aren't seen again after this scene. I'm guessing they got locked in a room and forced to watch Spongebob or something.

The party's started and here comes that Pretty Ricky guy. Oh I forgot to mention that since Jackie want's to be a designer, her Mom (or Dad) had the clothes she designed made and now they got these models modeling them while Pretty Ricky is performing some annoying song.

During said annoying song, Taylor managed to sneak in somehow (I guess security isn't all that tight) and is planning some act of sabotage. Much like the Beastie Boys song!

The act of sabotage is to have Taylor cut up all the outfits Jackie designed. Since this is the end of the movie we can't have anymore conflict, so here comes our Deus Ex Machina in the form of Shannon who just happened to be there. He stops her and tries a mini-intervention telling her everyone thinks she's a bitch.

OH! And you know how I said Taylor had no real motivation to do any of the stuff she did in this movie? Turns out I was wrong. It's a stupid motivation but this is what the movie gave us. It turns out that Taylor's sweet 16 either was a disaster or didn't happen, depends on who you ask, so she's trying to leech off other people's sweet 16's by pretending it's her own or something. That's basically it. Told you it was stupid.

So Shannon tells Taylor not to be a bitch and leaves, but she decides to be a bitch still and tries to ruin the outfits when Eden, another Deus Ex Machina, shows up and suddenly it's Yo Momma: The Movie. While being thrown out by security.

And of course if you seen the show, you know what the final act is. Both Sarah and Jackie get their own cars. They squeal and cry and thank Daddy and with one final pan up shot, that's all she wrote. Seriously. That's it. As much as I'm glad this movie ended when it did, I kinda wanted some final resolution to Taylor. She's still a bitch. She's got no friends, but she's still a bitch. She really didn't learn anything or change for the better. At the very least, could show Shannon kidnaping her and taking her to Africa where she has to survive on her own or something. I dunno, whatever.
I dunno who she is, but she looks like an old Raven Simone.
For some reason, I was expecting Wayne Brady's and Roddy Piper's sex tape to be better.
I'm sure Harry Connick, JR is SO GLAD to have his name attached to this movie.
(Click to see bigger...and to see the Chili's thing.)