I Was A Teenage Zombie
Teen-age Zom-bie! They're All Zombies!!
Dan-Either a high school student or a college student. Becomes the titular teenage zombie.
Gordy-Dan's best friend and possible drug dealer. He's horrible at one of these things.
Mussolini/Moose-A sleazy dude who sells Gordy bad weed. As a result, a smackdown is laid upon him. But he comes back as our villian zombie.
Chuck-Quiet for the first half of the movie. Becomes a zombie expert by the second half.
Rosencrantz and Liberman-One is a dorky nerdy guy. But Liberman. He stole this fucking movie.
Bird-Rides a motorcycle and doesn't like sleazy dudes stealing his money. Is de-tongued.
Cindy-Dan's love interest. Considers necrophilia for a minute.
Lenny-Owner of a malt shop everyone hangs out at. Apparently can put up with zombies pretty well.
My friend Adam says he's tired of zombie movies and pretty much won't see one again. And he calls "Dawn of the Dead" overrated, but that's his opinion. So now it is my job to talk about "I Was A Teenage Zombie" and see if maybe I can change his mind on zombie movies.

Right off the bat this movie looks as if it was filmed in some other country. You ever see clips of any Turkish film? This entire movie looks like that. Despite everybody speaking English, I'm sticking with the idea of this being a Turkish zombie film, the actors they got just learned the accents very well.

After the credits, we focus on Dan sitting in a classroom. He stares at a girl named Cindy, who is sitting next to his boyfriend Kramer. Yes, that is his name. Giddy-up. Obviously Dan and Cindy are crushing for each other, going by the flirty eyes they're making.

Dan is also sitting next to a big open window, which gives Gordy an opportunity to talk to Dan in class. Even though their dialouge is so loud it causes their voices to echo throughout the "class", the teacher doesn't stop her lecture.

Dan and Gordy mumbles loudly about getting weed for a dance that's coming up and Gordy knows a guy who'll give them some. Since weed is better than edge-u-ma-cating, Dan seriously jumps out the window, abandoning class. Because of this move, I thought they were in college. But later on, they say they're in high school. I'd love to see them pull that shit on Mr. Raditch.

Outside, we meet the other cast members as they do random things like talk to Dan or throw a frisbee. Standing nearby is a guy who I can only describe as a sleazy Santana. One of the girls that's gonna hook up with either the wimpy nerd or the fat doofus guy throws a frisbee and it hits Santana. Santana proves he's not "Smooth" by putting the frisbee near his crotch.

Yeah, sorry for that lame joke. It's this movie.

Our cast pays Moon, a paranoid hippie a visit to buy some weed. Moon goes on and on forever about thinking Rosencrantz or Guildenstern are cops, that every other drug but weed is good, and how the nuclear power plant in town closed up. After all of that, Moon reveals he has no weed to sell.
Phew. We made it. This is one hell of a movie. Despite being made in another country and the awful acting, it was just ok. The entire thing wasn't as weird or crazy as I thought it would be. I was expecting "Oversexed Rugsucker From Mars" kind of crazy. But it takes awhile to set up and even when Dan is the zombie, it drags. Overall, it's an ok movie. But tell me this, wouldn't it have been more exciting if the teenage zombie was like a 13-year-old zombie?
"MOOOOM!!!! You KNOW friend brains makes me break out!!!"
Read The Reviews!
Like I need to point out that the awesomeness that is Liberman is on the right. Oh yeah!
You know it's Spring when the douchebags try to come in through the window.
Oy Como Sleaze
John Stossel in his early days.
Dissapointed, the gang goes to the Malt Shop (Oh, I get it, this movie takes place in the 50's. Makes sense) and Bird walks in. Now I'm sure his name is Burt or Bert but it sounds like they're calling him Bird. I think this is a funny nickname so I'm keeping it.

Bird gave Gordy some money to buy the weed and Gordy is being fishy about giving it back. Did he blow it on hookers or more striped shirts? What's the deal? We never find out, but Gordy promises to buy some weed in the next hour.

Santana, who introduces himself as Mussolini aka Moose, reveals he has some weed to sell. Moose here is in a pickle himself. Apparently some mobsters are after him and he needs some money. So Moose found some skanky weed and is trying to sell that. Man, this movie is as complex as "Crash".

This is the weed Moose sells to Gordy and he and his friends go smoke it in the malt shop bathroom. They aren't happy, so Gordy tracks down Moose to get a refund. But Moose's refund policy is as strict as Borders. You ever try to return something at Borders? It's fucking impossible.

Moose proceeds to kick Gordy's ass (also how Border's handles people wanting to return something) and this pisses off Bird, who just wants his money back. Bird tells Dan, who use to be a baseball player, to get some bats, cause they're gonna take care of Moose. You know that biker bar scene in "A Bronx Tale"? Ok good cause that was a good scene. This scene coming up sucks.

The Bat Gang teams up on Moose. The dumb fat guy, Liberman, throws a banana peel at Moose. This seems random at first but it actually sets forth the most complex plot in the history of cinema. Liberman might as well as told Luke Skywalker he was his father. Or betrayed Michael Corleone. Way to go, Liberman. Way to go.

Moose is about to kick some collective ass when he slips on the banana peel and dies. I really wish I was kidding about that. The guys argue about what they're gonna do like people do in every movie when they accidently kill someone. Someone suggests they dump him in the river.

The guys then drag Moose to the river and are about to throw him in when he wakes up. Oh! He's not dead! Wow! Moose is pissed and is fighting everyone. Liberman proves his worthlessness by running away. Dan grabs a bat and flashes back to when he played baseball and does an entire "playing baseball" fantasy while bashing Moose's head in. Then they dump him in the river.
Classic Liberman Face #1
"Dawn of the Dead" has the classic scene of the zombies going up an esculator. This movie has this scene.
They drive away and have a collective freak out. Bird calms them down. Then there's an important news bulletin! Apparently the river is contaminated! And not because of the oily body of Moose. Apparently the reason the nuclear power plant closed was cause it spilled into the river or something. This part isn't too clear. Just know the river Moose is in is contaminated. But I'm sure this won't be important later on.

Sure enough, Moose is now alive and green. I guess the river is full of gamma rays. Moose climbs out of the river and who should happen to come along but Bird. Moose grabs Bird's tongue and goes "Cat's got your tongue!!" Hm, maybe they were calling him Bird. Anyway, Bird can't tweet anymore. And not because they took away his computer.

The gang hears about Bird's death and get bummed out but don't think anything about it. They got dates to go on! Everyone's making out with everyone. Even Liberman is getting some. Go Liberman. Dan notices Cindy and Kramer fighting and Cindy going off on her own.

Dan finds Cindy alone and tries to talk to her but she turns into a royal bitch. Dan says "Fuck you" and starts to leave when Kramer shows up, asking to borrow some Ritz crackers. Cindy tells Kramer to fuck off and when Dan says "Well, good luck being with THAT guy" Cindy changes her tune and is nice to Dan. So now they're dating. AWWW!!!

Jump to sometime later and Rosencrantz is trying to get lucky with a girl in his car. He confesses he hasn't had sex before and the girl is more than happy to do it with him. During said "doing it", Moose shows up and snatches the girl. What I'm about to type next really really really REALLY fucking happens in this movie. How about I show you the pictures first?
So what's happening is Zombie Moose is fucking a very much alive girl. Is this reverse necrophilia or something? The girl seems to be enjoying this. My jaw hit the floor when this was happening. Then again, I dunno what they do over there in the glorious nation of Berbekastain.

Rosencrantz runs away, revealing it's a zombie Moose. Of course no one believes him but then Chuck decides to come out from the shadows and now be a supporting player. Chuck has come up with a theory that Moose is a zombie thanks to the contamination of the river. Before explaining how, the cops show up and discover the girl Moose was fucking, who is now ripped in half.

The cops interrogate each guy and Liberman's scene is probably the funniest. Oh Liberman! The cops let them go and despite them being in high school, their parents weren't involved. It's just a simple homicide. Chuck finishes his theory in his basement.

He grabbed a water sample from the river and put a dead fly in the water. Soon, the fly comes back to life. Then Chuck explains that the contamination perserves the brain of the dead body so Moose is dead yet not. It's kinda hard to explain and it doesn't matter.

Now they just need to take care of Moose, since he's after them for killing him. Chuck comes up with a retarded plan that involves Moose chasing after Liberman. NO! Not Liberman! He's the best character in this movie!! Sure enough, this works, but a cop shows up and ruins everything. Moose scares everybody but Dan, who tries to fight but Moose ends up snapping Dan's neck.

The police bring in the remaining guys and again doesn't call their parents. Oh come on! One of them died! You gotta get the parents involved!! The cops go "Well...don't be involved with the death of your friends again! We just MIGHT call your parents then!"

We get a glimpse on what life is like without Dan. The teachers forgot he died and need Eddie Deezen's voiceover to tell them. For some reason Chuck and Gordy are walking around in black trenchcoats. Jeez, I guess Dan was keeping things normal around here.

Oh, I guess the trench coat thing was them hiding from Moose. Chuck decides something needs to be done once and for all. This time he proposes they put Dan's body in the river, so they'll have a zombie on their side! Hey, that just might work!!

There's a rather stupid scene where they sneak into the church Dan's memorial service is being held and run out with his body. They run all over town until they find their parked car. Why the fuck did they park across town? Was there that many people at the service they couldn't find parking?

They take Dead Dan to the river and throw him in the river. Then they seriously just stand there and wait. This is the same river Moose apparently lives in. Why Moose didn't just attack them here and now is a mystery. Maybe he was fucking another live girl.

Gordy gets pissed at Dead Dan for not being a zombie and goes to school. If only Gordy waited another MINUTE he would've seen Dan crawling out of the river. Cut to Gordy now sitting by the big open window. The teacher is reading Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven", which happens to be a favorite of mine.
Classic Liberman Face #2
Man this looks like a real police station.
He's the Bizarro Rick Astley! He WILL give you up! He WILL let you down. He WILL turn around and hurt you!
This guy's "Reservior Dogs" name oddly enough was Mr. Purple.
Dan pops up to the window and doesn't seem to remember dying. He for some reason thinks he was at a wild party and got so hammered he was tossed in the river. Well, yeah, it was something like that. Gordy tries to hide Dan, who then goes on to flirt with some girls, who run away from him. Chuck wanders by and he and Gordy drag Dan to, where else, the malt shop.

Lenny, the malt shop owner, spots Dan and freaks out at first, then comes to accept it. Chuck asks Lenny if they can keep Dan in the cellar for awhile. Lenny says sure. Because he needs a zombie slave! Seriously, Lenny makes Dan do all kinds of chores. I suppose no one mooches off of Lenny.

There is a super long drawn out scene where Dan and Lenny have a heart felt talk about how Dan feels about Cindy and how he'll never have her again. Ugh, shut up and kill someone. When Lenny leaves, Dan sneaks out and goes to Cindy's house, who's sitting in her room rubbing the picture of Dan in the yearbook.

Dan just stares through her window and apparently he spent the entire night doing this. It's now the next day and Cindy leaves for College High. Dan finally gets the guts to make his undead presence known but she freaks out. Dan runs and hides in Lenny's cellar.

Cindy shows up at the malt shop and demands to know where Dan is. Gordy pretends he doesn't know what she's talking about but Cindy barges into the cellar and says she still loves Dan. Dan goes "Can you love...THIS!" and reveals his horrible melting face. Cindy goes "ew" and leaves.

Now it's the night of the dance! Dan sneaks away and hides out in the shadows, watching his former classmates dance the night away. Don't you hate those guys who left high school but still hang around? That's the good thing about high school girls. I get older but they stay the same age. Alright alright alright.

Moose is roaming around the neighborhood when some guy comes up to him asking for weed. Moose rejects him but the guy says "c'mon! It's the night of the dance! Everyone will be there!" Moose then figures out that the morons he been chasing everywhere will be there.

He spots Liberman and his girl picking up either a stack of cardboards or pizza. I guess they get their pizza from the same place as the girls from "Las Vegas Blood Bath". Moose shows up and literally rips Liberman's face off. NOOO!!! NOT LIBERMAN!!!!! WHY GOD WHY?!?!?!?! The girl gets scared and runs away.

Moose shows up at the school at the same time as the girl and the greatest batch of scenes ever happen. First, a cop comes in and tries to stop Moose but Moose punches the cop. The cop screams for 20 minutes straight before dying.
Hey, everybody has their family name written on a board and nailed to a tree in their front yard.
More like "I Was A STALKER Zombie".
Classic Liberman Face #3
"Or in other words: ouch."
Then Moose simply growls and the entire school runs outside. Dan then appears and the fight for the ages begins. Somehow Dan has a machete and he tries to chop at Moose but Moose swats it away. Gordy grabs it and throws it at Dan but it lands in Dan's stomach. Thankfully he's dead so it don't matter.

I wanted to find video of this next part cause it's hard to put in words. There isn't any that I can find so we'll have to make do with pictures.
It flies through the air.
It falls through a basketball hoop!
They finally throw the head and it lands on a table. Of course, Moose is still alive but not for long. He slices his head in half. Sarah Palin was jealous on how Dan handled this Moose.

I forgot to mention, during Moose's rampage, he simply bumped into Cindy, which killed her. Dan finds her dead body and picks it up. He slowly walks out of the school, with Kramer saying "Let go of her you...teenage zombie!" Real smooth.

Dan then walks all the way to the lake and he looks back to his friends as if to say:
"It's not necrophilia if we're both dead!"
First, Dan cuts Mooses head off.
And finally it lands in the hands of Chuck and Rosencratz, who toss it back and forth like it's a hot potato.