Tin Man: Part 3
The O.Z Never Gave Anything To The Tin Man...
DG-Played by Zooey Deschanel. After standing around thinking, she tries to stop Deli with the magic of staring blankly..
Glitch-Played by Alan Cumming. Finally remembers who he is. And finally tones it down a notch.
Wyatt Cain-Played by Neal McDonough. Finally stopped being such an asshole.
Raw-Get courage. I think we all saw that one coming.
Azkadellia-Is apparently possessed by a witch, which is why she's evil.
Ahimo-AKA The Seeker. Helps D.G on the final leg of her boring journey.
Zero-Gets what's coming to him.
Toto-Does a few useful things, mainly as the dog.
Apparently I was wrong about how many parts there were to "Tin Man". There's really only 3 parts, but when you watch them all in a row, it feels like 4 parts. Maybe 5. But thankfully, this is the final part and I never have to see this crap ever again. Hooray or something.

We start off with Deli finding her dead monkey and getting peeved. Then it goes to D.G and the Gang and D.G pretty much does the same thing she did in the last part: stand around with a dumb look on her face and think. She remembers skimming stones at a lake and realizes if she finds this one certain stone that's apparently the best magical stone evar!, she can bring back Fern Gully, er, whatever this lakeside place is called.

D.G finds it and skims it and sure enough, it all rebuilds. Soon, a holographic image of her mom appears and tells D.G to look for a man called Ahimo and he'll take her to where the emerald is. Cain knows where Ahimo is, hiding in "The Realm of the Undesirables" or as we call it, The Ghetto.

Cain notices that Toto is acting weird again and calls him on his bullshit. Soon, they find the magical bingo chips Toto was dropping and he confesses he was working with Deli. But he only did it so she wouldn't kill him, which we know is a lie. We know she gave him a killer blowjob, don't even pretend.

Cain wants to shoot Toto but D.G prevents this from happening and tells Toto to stay in dog form for the rest of the movie to keep an eye on him. Cause it's easier to keep an eye on a miniature terrier than a large overweight black dude. But I guess this actors contract ran up so he turns into a dog and on the way they go.

Soon, Deli finds the magical lake place and activates the holographic mom and instead of cutting away since we know what mom has to say, we have to listen to the entire thing AGAIN! I guess this is in case we missed it the first time. But now Deli knows where D.G is going and that she's looking for Ahimo and stuff.

But it's Deli's turn to stand there and simply think as she tries to remember giving her father, Ahimo by the way, some clay figurines. Both Deli and D.G put "their magic" inside it so he'll know it's from them. I personally would've left a note but that's just me.
"Oh man, I got so wasted last night, what did I do? Ugh..."
Hey. Wait. I got a new complaint.
"Help me Obi Wan D.Gobi, you're my only hope!"
I never understood how the "Tin Man" action figures didn't sell.
Back to our gang, they come across a huge field where Cain swears is where the Realm of Ghettoness is but there's nothing there. Toto finds a secret doorway in the ground and they climb into it and taa-daa they're in the projects!

They come across a multi-armed fortune teller who answers stupid questions from Glitch like "Is it crowed in there?" and "Do you have 3 vaginas?" Finally, she answers D.G's question on the whereabouts of Ahimo, saying The Seeker knows where he is. They arrange a meeting time and place with this Seeker but anyone who knows anything knows something is up with all this.

Multi-Armed Gypsy finds this Seeker dude and tells him about the four fugitives and I was right, they wanna turn them in, but the Seeker has different plans. So finally the meeting time happens and the guy they call The Seeker, cause he seeks low and high, he's never gonna find what he's looking for until they day he dies, shows up but the double cross happens right away when Zero and his men show up. The Seeker grabs D.G and hightails it out while Cain, Glitch, and Raw get captured.

D.G wakes up in some pit and The Seeker is there. He tells D.G that he is Ahimo, her father and they have a family reunion by having him creepily tell his own daughter that she's hot. I think he's been down in this pit for too long. She gets over the creepiness and accepts this weird compass thing designed to find the emerald.

Meanwhile, Zero is dragging his prisoners through some woods when an overturned cart blocks the path. Zero shows how much of an asshole he is by demanding they immediately fix this cart NOW but this isn't any ordinary overturned cart! It's the overturned cart of the resistance! They strike and kill many of Zero's men and take Zero captive. Then it's discovered that the resistance isn't lead by the cart but by Cain's son! Yes, he's alive! AWW!

Now we come to another part that barely resembles the original "Wizard of Oz". I swear, it's like someone at the Sci-Fi Channel never saw the original, took a look at the poster and/or saw maybe a trailer for it, then wrote this movie.

"Well, there's a girl and a tornado and some guy without a brain and some mention of a Tin Man and some hairy guy and a wizard and a hot air balloon. Who's the bad guy, a sorceress or something? And a lot of green. Ok, got it! Script Oscar Thingy, here I come!"

Well anyway, Ahimo has a hot air balloon and he tells D.G he's from, uh, "Nebraska" (wrong state assholes) and he flew to O.Z from there one windy day. He met the queen, boned her and when she said she was pregnant, he tried to leave but it wasn't windy enough so he stayed. I just want to punch this movie.
"I'm on tonight and my hips don't lie..."
"Locke? Jack? You down there?"
"Yeah, this thing IS full of hot air, what's your point?"
*headdesk*
What is this, "Pleasentville" all of a sudden?
"And the Award for Blankest Stare goes to..."
They're ruby. Honestly.
I can't believe a guy actually looks like this, in real life even.
ACK! Now I see why she chose to possess Deli.
That's only HALF a brain? Really?
Deli remembers how to be good and manages to get the witch out of her body (that sounded vaguely sexual). The Witch is still on the glass grate and she keeps getting larger and larger, while D.G and Deli hold hands, which is the key to the whole thing. (Remember if D.G hadn't let go of Deli's hand, she wouldn't have gotten possessed.) But now that the machine downstairs got turned off, the witch, *sigh* MELTS away. Yes, she melts. Remember that guy I mentioned earlier that was told to write this movie?

"Oh there's a part where the sorceress melts or something? Ok."

Yeah. I don't know. Anyway, Deli is now a good girl, she and D.G hug it out bitch, the parents are happy they get to rule over the land again, and everyone is happy. And cue ending. Seriously, that's it. I guess Ambrose/Glitch gets his brain put back in. I guess all of Deli's evil henchmen just disappear and/or die. And I guess Cain and his son are reunited. I'm guessing, we don't know.

Whatever, I'm just glad it's over finally.
So they're in the balloon, looking for this Grey Gale that they say houses the emerald they're looking for. This compass thing they have should direct them there. Meanwhile, I'm about to give up on this whole thing and call it a day.

Cain's son (who doesn't name a name I don't think) is questioning Zero about this machine that'll make the O.Z dark forever or something and after tricking him with torture he tells them everything, like where in the castle it is and what the plan is, which is really just turn the O.Z dark, nothing we haven't learned before. Cain Jr. is about to kill Zero but Cain stops him, saying his mother wouldn't approve of that.

But later that night, Cain is having a dream about Zero killing his wife so when he wakes up, he unshackles Zero. GASP! Is HE gonna kill him? Well, we'll find out soon enough.

D.G and Ahimo arrive at where the Grey Gale is and it's kinda like Doctor Who's TARDIS, except invisible, cause we just see a doorway but when you walk in, it's bigger on the inside. Turns out it's really a mausoleum for all of D.G's ancestors. They find one door, D.G Great-Great-Great-GREAT Grandmother, "who was the first ruler of the land" and her name is...

Oh Jesus Fucking Christ On A Stick. They didn't.
Yes. Dorothy Gale. So wait, are you saying this is a far out sequel, set like way in the future or something? I thought the entire thing was a "re-imagining" or something. Then where's the Scarecrow and Lion and the REAL Tin Man? The fuck is going on!

It gets worse when D.G walks into the room and everything suddenly is black and white! Hey! Did you know if you play this movie and put on Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" on at the same time, you'll want to kill yourself but at least have something good playing as you die?

Anyway, Dorothy shows up, yes wearing Ruby Slippers but we can't tell they're ruby cause it's black and white and she gives D.G the emerald. And just like that, it's done. D.G meets up with Ahimo and they go outside but yep, wouldn't you know it, Deli is there. She hilariously shrinks Ahimo and makes him vanish, then makes D.G give her the emerald. After some words ("Bitch!" "Slut!"), Deli teleports D.G into a marble casket. Oh darn, she's dead, the end!
Eh, no. We just find out what Cain did with Zero. He put him in one of those deep sea outfits and leaves him to rot forever. Yay! Meanwhile, Toto sees D.G is in trouble so he runs to where Cain and the Gang are and tells them where she is.

But D.G realizes she has magic and finds a way to unscrew the screws holding her in the coffin. So D.G gets out and as she runs out of the TARDIS, Cain and her friends arrive. They're all happy to see her but now they have a mission: Stop Deli at all costs!

So even though by this point it should be exciting since A-it's almost over and B-we got the final battle coming up, it's not, it's probably even more boring than ever. Through magic, I guess, Cain Jr.'s army planted bombs around the castle and set them off, causing enough of a distraction to sneak into the castle.

Deli is getting ready to turn the O.Z into Alaska by reuniting her parents and making them watch her turn evil or something. Then she stands on some glass grate thing and spends the rest of the movie there. Below, the weird looking scientists are toiling away on the machine that'll help the darkness take over the O.Z.

Cain and the gang sneak in to what they call The Brain Room which is where Glitch's other half of his brain is, which is being used to run the machine. Via a psychic link between brain and Raw, Glitch (who's real name is revealed to be Ambrose, I like Glitch better) tells Cain how to turn the machine off. The code is a bunch of numbers that seem like years to me. The machine powers down so the lead creepy scientist goes to see what the fuck is up.

D.G tries to confront Deli but Deli pushes her over the balcony. Oh darn, she's dead, the end. ARGH! She held on. Creepy Scientist shocks Raw and bring in his own psychic lion and makes him say the code again to turn the machine back on. It gets turned back on and the darkness stays forever. The end bye!

ARGH! D.G climbs back over and tries to make Deli remember when she was good and get rid of the witch that apparently been possessing her body for 15 years. Downstairs, Raw wakes up and finally gets some courage to grab the cattle prod from the creepy scientist and shock his nards to death.
Overall, this entire mini-series didn't need to happen. It's all just pointless, like every other remake that happens. The original was as good as it was cause it had characters we cared about. I honestly didn't give a crap about anybody in this version and just wanted them all to fall down a well or something. The only thing I liked was Deli's massive chest being in every shot she was in. I suppose if Sci-Fi Channel had their way, they'd find a way to update "It's A Wonderful Life" by having George turn into a robot and having an alien show him what it would've been like if he was never built.
Gah, I just gave them an idea, didn't I?
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