| Top Dog Even Chuck Norris Made A Dog Movie |
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| Jake Wilder-Played by Chuck Norris. A dishelved San Diego cop who is stuck with a partner that likes to drink out of the toilet and lick himself. Thankfully, I'm talking about a dog. Matthew-You gotta have a kid in a dog movie. But this kid doesn't do much of anything. Kind of a waste if you ask me. Boyette-Female cop that likes to keep track of Jake and the dog from time to time. Nelson Houseman-Leader of the Racists, the bad guys in this movie. He believes in White Power! Too bad Chuck Norris is white. Now what, Nelson? Reno-The loveable dog. He can kick ass, sniff out drugs, and chew one fierce milk bone. All The Racists in The World-All show up to kill the Pope and other religious figures to end every OTHER race in existance. Cause that's how it works apparently. |
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| Do you remember in the late 80's and early 90's it seemed like everybody was making "The Dog Movie"? There was Tom Hanks in "Turner and Hooch". There was Jim Belushi in "K9". And now we have Chuck Norris in "Top Dog". Cause if them lightweights can do a dog movie, Chuck Norris can too.
Just simply hearing about this movie you know there's several things wrong here. "Top Dog" is a "family-friendly" movie. With Chuck Norris. I don't know how many Chuck Norris films you've seen, but he does not do family friendly. That's like asking Ron Jeremy to make a "family-friendly" movie. Sure it'll happen but it'll probably scar your child for life. Much like any child that seen "Top Dog" when it was released. The dog in this movie is Reno and he's actually considered a cop. His partner is Lou, an old guy. There's also Lou's grandson Matthew but he hardly figures into the story. Lou and Reno are called to a fire which got started cause two dudes planted a bomb. Lou and Reno arrive at the scene and they find out there's still a baby inside the fire, which is out of control. Since it so much out of control, they can't do anything about it and they just let the baby die. I mean it's a baby, it's not like it's a contributing member of society. Hell, in another 9 months you can have another one just like that. But Reno doesn't play by those rules! He disobeys a direct order and runs into the fire and manages to pull out the baby! YAY RENO!! You loveable scamp you! Reno is told he's a hero but he also disobeyed a direct order. Lou notices some shady dudes and decides to follow them. He follows them to a boatyard where he and Reno break in and snoop around. Lou finds every C-4 in existence there and is about to call it off when our bad guy Nelson Houseman shows up. Nelson simply says "Kill them". Which is pretty much the only thing he says in this movie. He's like that guy Andy in Leonard Part 6. But not as cool . Our bad guys shoot the old man and the loveable dog in a "family-friendly" movie and simply throw their corpses overboard. You know, in a "family-friendly" movie. And yes, I will be making this point throughout the review so get use to it. |
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| So yeah, this movie is what you'd think it is. It's a Chuck Norris movie seen through a "family-friendly" filter. It's got over the top villains, things blowing up for no reason, and Chuck Norris fight scenes. Throw in a dog that makes you go "AWW!" and take out any common sense and you have this damn movie.
Ok, if Chuck Norris wants to make a kids film, fine. But leave out the racism and Hitler references and images of a dog getting shot then thrown off the side of a ship. I can't find any evidence to support this but I'm sure Chuck Norris is paying a lot of child therapy bills. |
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| It's not really heroic if he wanted to eat it. |
| "A Chuck Norris movie is starting behind us! RUN!" |
| Some left over bombs from when Russia invaded America. |
| If Steven Spielberg produced/directed this, those would turn into walkie-talkies. |
| Some time later, we see a phone ringing and some hand is simply pulling on the cord to bring it close to him. If anybody else was doing this, the phone would've fallen off the cradle, but this hand doesn't belong to just anybody. It's Chuck Fuckin' Norris! Yeah, he's so bad he can pull a phone without knocking it off!
Here, Chuck plays a suspended cop who doesn't play by the rules. He looks so totally washed up here it almost makes me think Chuck wore his own hair, facial hair, and clothes to this movie. Captain Callahan (Not Dirty Harry, unfortunately) tells Jake that his suspension is over and to come in. When Jake comes in, he finds out that Reno is his new partner, and neither of them are happy about it. Reno is pretty much loved around the station while Jake is simply ignored. Aww, is someone jealous of a dog? AWWWWW!!!!! We also meet Boyette, a female cop who's rather plain looking, so she won't be hooking up with Jake. She doesn't approve of Jake taking on the responsibilities of Reno, especially since Reno is a sloppy dog with an affection to red things. There's the few scenes with Jake and Reno trying to get along, with the hilarious scene of Jake trying to feed Reno a can of lumpy dog food while Jake eats a whole chicken, but Reno isn't having none of that! So he steals the chicken from Jake and makes him eat the dog food. Oh that scamp! But now it's time to focus on our bad guys. These aren't your ordinary bad guys. They're racists! They hate anything non-white! We see two of them trying to cross the Mexican border (I don't know why they were in Mexico but whatever) and there's a checkpoint. One guy gets rather panicky and floors it, where a chase ensues. And cause this is a Chuck Norris movie, anytime a car hits a simple bump, it explodes, which happens here. Back with our heroes, Jake decides to check out the shipyard Lou got killed in. He literally walks into the harbor master's office, picks up the manifest, rips the page out, and walks out without saying a word. Warrant? What's that? This information tells us that a boat was there at some point. And Lou got shot in it. And that's it. Ok then. Back to the hijinx! Jake and Reno respond to a call of a drug bust going on in some house. Since supposedly Reno is a good drug sniffer (we even see a scene of him doing training with a brick helpfully labeled "DOPE") he's allowed to go in and sniff for some drugs. But Reno doesn't for some reason. And Jake feels embarrassed cause all the cops outside were talking about how good Reno is. When Jake threatens to shoot the loveable dog in a "family-friendly" movie, Reno goes into action and finds a perp hiding. The perp comes out fighting and Reno just stands to the side and watches while Chuck Norris does his thing. Majority of the action took place in front of a huge window, so of course this means the perp is gonna go flying out the window. When that happens, Reno pokes his head out and it looks like he kicked the dude's ass, which upsets Jake even more. Later, we get another nice "family-friendly" moment when the bad guys are meeting in some warehouse and the leader, Nelson, is talking about "killing the Jews for taking control of our money! And killing the blacks for raping our white women!" Um, dude, if you didn't exist I'm sure they would stop doing this stuff. But whatever. |
| I could do this too...if I didn't have a cordless phone. Honest. |
| A picture of what Chuck Norris was doing when he got the call to do this movie. |
| "I'm Chuck Norris, I don't have to ask for anything!" |
| I guess the Swastika is a copyrighted imaged? |
| Jake and Reno return home and there they find Boyette and Matthew wanting to say hi to Reno. Also at this moment a gang of clowns have decided they had enough of Jake and want him dead! Ok, these clowns were sent by the racists, but I don't know why they chose clowns. Are clowns inherently racist? It'll make me wonder next time I'm at a kid's birthday party. Which I go to a lot.
So the clowns are shooting up the house and Jake manages to kick their asses. And of course he causes a car to go skidding off the street and simply run into the back of a parked car, which causes the biggest explosion ever seen. And before you ask, Chuck makes the Bozo pun. For whatever reason, the next day, Reno gets all the credit (again) for the clowns, even though I'm sure Reno would've just whizzed on them. But now things are getting serious. We need to crack down and stop these racists. Jake doesn't know what their next movement is gonna be, but they got something big planned. No time to mess around and- Oh but first Jake has to visit his elderly mother. Who's getting her TV fixed. Jake and Mom talk for a bit while Reno sits and stares at the TV repair man. It's revealed that Jake got into this whole police business cause his father was one. Then they show a picture of Jake's dad and he's totally standing in front of a building that says U.S Coast Guard. I have nothing against the Coast Guard but I'm pretty sure they're no where near related to street cops and detectives. So if his dad really inspired him, wouldn't he have joined the Coast Guard instead of being a washed up cop? Again, whatever, let's move on. |
| Roger Corman's "The Dark Knight". |
| Pictured: A car lightly bumping into the back of a parked car. |
| Hey kids! It's me!/I bet that you thought that I was dead!/But when I fell over, I just broke my leg/And now I got a hemmorage in my head! |
| "You idiots, we're trying to kill people, not cardboard cut outs!!" |
| We enter montage city when we get THREE montages in a row of stuff happening. And by stuff happening I mean not much happening. First we visit the bad guys at their training camp as they practice shooting and blowing things up.
Then it's the good guys turn when Jake is having a meeting with his fellow officers about all the racists groups going around committing crimes. I was distracted by the chalkboard behind one dude cause among other racists groups, there was one labeled "Hell Bangers". Who the hell are Hell Bangers? Sounds like some weird devil porno or something. Finally, we get the sweet montage of Matthew taking Reno to some dog show and Reno stealing the best in show ribbon. Even though he's a police dog. That loveable scamp. This montage ends with Matthew putting strange hats and sunglasses on Reno. No, I don't know why. At last we get to some resemblance of a plot when Jake tells the Captain to have every known racist in the city arrested cause they're bound to know something. You know what'd be funny? If a black cop was arresting a racist. |
| "We also have to look out for the Heaven Squirters and the Purgotory Creamers." |
| "So how's the filming of our family-friendly movie coming along?" "Ok. We just finished the seig heil scene." |
| A furry leather daddy? |
| Hey what do ya know? |
| After one final "seig heil" scene in our "family-friendly" movie, it's time for Jake and Reno to jump into action. After Jake has a talk with his Mom and she reveals that if SHE were a racist, she would blow shit up on Hitler's birthday, which happens to be tomorrow. And what big event is happening tomorrow? A get together of every religious figure for every race in the world. Gee, I wonder if they're gonna strike there?
Jake finds the warehouse where all the racists hang out in and he and Reno go in to check it out. They find the office of the head racist in charge (the H.R.I.C if you will) and they find this small notebook full of pictures and addresses and dates. This proves something so they decide to high tail it out of there. But the racists have returned home early. Uh oh! Jake gives the notebook to Reno and he runs out of there. Nelson simply says "Kill them" again and another fight scene ensues, while two guys run after Reno. Reno does a "Home Alone" on one guy by knocking him out with a carefully placed trap. Then he tricks the other guy by having him stand under a huge box, which falls on him. Our loveable scamp, always crushing people to death. But no. Instead it gets comical and the dude is ok, with his head simply poking out the top of the 2 ton box. Ok, no point in being "family-friendly" now, you already scarred the kids. Jake isn't as lucky as he's captured and is being beaten up by some racists. Now it's the next morning suddenly and before they can (finally) kill Jake, here comes Reno on the sly and he undoes Jake's bound hands, and more ass kicking comes around. Armed with the knowledge that Nelson and his band of racists are gonna blow up the obvious target, they have limited time to get there! There's a dumb scene with Reno in the backseat of the squad car just sliding around. This prompts Boyette to put the seat belt on him. Don't be a doggie, buckle your safety belt. Oh and for whatever reason, Matthew heard about Reno on his police scanner and now we're treated to endless scenes of him riding his bike to the obvious target. Jake, Boyette, and Reno arrive and they split up. The racists spot Jake and decide to act on their plan now, which involves the Pope, a Jewish Religious Leader, and some African Leader walking into a bar, er no. Being locked in a limo, which is where the bomb is. Boyette chases one racist while Jake tries to defuse the bomb. Reno just stands around, licking himself. He is a dog after all. More shots of Matthew furiously riding his bike. More shots of Jake trying to defuse the bomb. Ugh, I thought it was hard to write about the happenings of Chuck Norris fighting, this is worse. Ok, finally, Boyette stops the racist and Jake manages to defuse the bomb. Everything seems to be ok until they notice Nelson just off to the side, chillin' like he's having a cigarette, not realizing everybody knows he's involved. All three cops chase after Nelson. Matthew is still riding his damn bike. |
| The weird positions this dog can-ok I'm stopping this caption right there. |
| "Yep, my plan to kill every race is going down the toilet, but that doesn't mean I can't sit back and enjoy the scenery.". |
| They chase Nelson into some woods and Reno tackles him and is about to rip him into shreds when Nelson admits he's the one that killed Lou. Well, duh. The only thing he said in this movie was "Kill them", I'd think it'd be him. Of course he says this in time for Matthew to show up and hear it himself. Which brings the usefulness of Matthew to a close. Thanks for including this character, sure helped out a lot.
So with all the racists in the world captured and sent to prison, and cause it's a "family-friendly" movie Jake isn't gonna start fucking Boyette. We gotta end this on a "HA HA" note. Which means that Reno notices that the Pope is wearing a red scarf. Uh oh! What's that loveable scamp up to now?? Why, he's gonna burn in hell for all of eternity! Good night, kids! |
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