| Babes In Toyland Like, whoa...we MUST save TOYLAND! |
 |
 |
| Lisa-Played by Drew Barrymoore. I'm willing to bet this was the movie that pushed little Drew over the edge and caused her to drink and whatnot. Jack Nimble-Played by Keanu Reeves. He's in love with Mary and he sounds like his typical self with lines like "But TOYLAND must be SAVED!!" Georgy Porgy-The fat guy, which depressed me cause I think I'm bigger than him. Barnaby-Played by Richard Mulligan (The dad from Empty Nest). He's the evil guy who lives in a bowling ball, for some reason. Mom/Mrs. Hubbard-Played by Mrs. Peacock (You know, from "Clue") For some reason she's horny through the entire movie and is willing to sell some kids to make a few extra bucks. The Toymaker-Played by Pat "Mr. Miyagi" Mortia. Super peaceful leader (owner?) of Toyland. Is really obsessed with toys. Justice Grimm-I guess he represents the law in this town. Zach and Mack-Some albino twins who are Barnaby's sidekicks, or something. A giant dodo with a crystal ball for an eye, and the residents of Toyland who are really just people in animal costumes (Furries, anyone?)-This is a weird movie. |
|
 |
| This movie felt like a one long LSD trip. I've never taken LSD, for the record, but it probably wouldn't hurt to take some in order to get through this movie. I mean look at the cast, and you got songs about Cinncinnati, and...oh I'll just start from the beginning.
Lisa is at home taking care of the place when she hears there's a big ass blizzard coming to town. She goes to her older sister Mary's workplace to warn her and her boyfriend Jack, and his friend George. They work at some toy store run by the sleazy Barney. Realizing how evil and slezy he is, Mary, Jack, and George quit and they take off in Jack's 4-wheel jeep. While singing an ode to the town of Cinncinnati (This must be heard to be believed), Lisa falls off the jeep and runs smack into a tree. This would probably kill a normal person like you and me, but this is a kid's movie, with a "Wizard of Oz" feel to it, so instead Lisa is transported to the world of Toyland. She lands in a big ass cake and finds out there's a wedding going on. Mary Contrary is going to marry the evil Barnaby, only cause he owns the house Mary's mom lives in. When Lisa finds out Mary loves Jack she puts the kabosh on the wedding and they all take off. |
|
 |
| I know it's a kid's movie, but it's just odd hearing Keanu Reeves say things like "We NEED to save TOYLAND!" and the father from "Empty Nest" singing and being over the top evil, and Mr. Miyagi being Santa Claus. Plus why is Mrs. Hubbard so damn horny? Anyway, I guess if you're with a batch of kids and it's Christmas, pop this in, and see if they have any nightmares. Wax on! Wax off! Ho-Ho-HO! |
|
 |
 |
| Barnaby gets rather ticked off and he makes some evil plans in his bowling ball house. He decides to frame Jack for stealing all the cookies at the cookie factory. With Jack out of the way, Barnaby can take over the cookie factory, then eventually Toyland.
Lisa, Mary, and Georgy break Jack out of jail by telling Justice Grimm that Pete Rose is the king of Cinncinatti. Don't ask. Trying to find evidence that Barnaby stole all the cookies, Jack searches the factory but ends up in Barnaby's lair, where we hear Richard Mulligan lip synch. I'm assuming he didn't actually sing. Eventually, Mary, Lisa, and George also end up in Barnay's lair. Barnaby breaks into The Toymaster's workshop, where for some reason, he has a vial of evilness lying around. Barnaby takes it and plans on making our four heros evil. The only way to stop them from becoming evil? Singing the Cinnicinatti song. Seriously. They escape and they beg The Toymaster to get off his peace loving hippie butt and do something. He says the giant ass toy soldiers he just happens to have would do the trick against Barnaby and his evil, um, trolls?, but Lisa doesn't think or act like a child, which just won't do here in the land of Toys. |
| After much coaxing, Lisa starts thinking like a child and the toy soliders come to life. They have a big all-out war against Barnaby and the, um, trolls. The Toymaster banishes Barnaby to The Dark Forest, where the trolls kidnap him and probably make him his sex slave. Ok, that was my thinking.
Jack and Mary get married and Lisa hitches a ride with Santa Claus to get back home. Santa turns out to be: YES! Mr. Miyagi! That explains the set of paint cans and deck polish I got for Christmas one year. Lisa wakes up at her house and we get the Wizard of Oz ending with "You were there and you were there...and Santa is a tiny Asian man who can kick ass!" After humoring her, we get a creepy ending when a small toy solider under the tree comes to life! I'd be burning that thing if I was Lisa. |
 |
 |
 |