Uncle Sam
This Is What P.Diddy Meant by "Vote or Die"
Uncle Sam Harper-Super patriotic guy who can come back from the dead and kill people in interesting ways. I seriously don't think he's a bad guy.
Jody-I couldn't tell if this was a boy or girl. If it wasn't for people calling him "boy", I'd still be confused. Anyway, he's Sam's Nephew and develops a creepy man crush on him.
Jody's Mom-Never given a name. She's a pretty useless character. She grounds Jody for dumb reasons and dates an asshole. Is possibly secretly a lesbian.
Louise-Sam's wife. Is glad her husband is dead. Not so glad to hear he's undead.
Sergent Creepypants-Also not given a name. He tells Louise Sam's dead only so he can get into her pants.
Jed-Played by Issac Hayes. Supposedly he's old enough to fight in World War 2, but this is Issac Hayes and he's what, 50 at best? Whatever. Anyway, he's the sole reason why Sam joined the Army.
Mr. Krendall-Played by Timothy Bottoms (You know, the actor who looks like George Bush). Jody's teacher who was also a draft dodger.
Ralph-Is banging Jody's Mom. He's a major asshole, so you get no sympathy when he's killed.
Congressman Somebody-Played by Robert Foster. Apparently he's a crooked politician but who isn't?
Deputy Noname-Yet another character not given a name. He's banging Louise and is a pretty weak cop. But I think he's just sexually frustrated.
Barry-I love this kid. He's introduced at the 50 minute mark all out of nowhere. He was in a horrible fireworks accident and as a result he's blind, scarred, and in a wheelchair. And to top it off, he's now psychic!
You probably think it's rather gratutious of me to review "Uncle Sam" for the Fourth of July but unless there's a movie about the Declaration of Independance going around killing people, this will have to do.

We start off in Kuwait and some army guys show up at the site of a crashed helicopter. One of the army guys sounds like Harvey Fierstein's vocal coach. Anyway, it turns out the helicopter crashed cause of friendly fire and they're there to cover it up, I guess. They think everyone inside is dead...and they're right. But Sam Harper is a zombie...I guess. And he kills the army guys and when he talks, he sounds like Michael Douglas. It's creepy.
The opening sequence shows us old images of Uncle Sam doing various things. Hey, there he is supporting the war. There he is shaking hands. There he is taming a lion. There he is Voguing. This goes on for like 5 minutes.

Then it's off to Twin Rivers, USA!! Yes, just USA! No state. So this could be in YOUR state!! GASP!!! And Deputy Noname is driving Louise home. He tries to get her naked but nothing doing. Then Louise finds Sergent Creepypants waiting for her on her porch. Sgt. Creepy tells her that Sam is offically dead and the body will be here tomorrow.

At Jody's house, he knocks down a picture of Sam, which shatters and then the kid stupidly steps on the glass. I should point out that for most of the film I couldn't tell if Jody was a boy or a girl. I mean the kid looks like a young Drew Barrymoore and who names their son Jody? Anyway, we find out that Sam is Jody's uncle and that he looks up to him. A lot. I mean serious man crush.

The next day Louise stops by and tells Jody's mom about this and she gets the weird idea to keep the body at her house cause that's obviously the best idea. Funeral homes, who needs them? This sets Jody off and he takes to school Sam's medals.
Wait. There's a few things wrong with that sentence. First off, why does a kid have offical Army medals? And second of all, school in July? Yeah, I guess it's summer school but everyone acts like it's regular ol' school. Plus when I went to summer school, I was in a class with maybe 5 other people and we just played Yahtzee all day. Hm. That explains a lot.

Anyway, at school Jody shows off the medals and finds out the teacher Mr. Krendall was a draft dodger. The fact that Timothy Bottoms plays Krendall and is famous for playing George W. Bush is quite ironic. Don't ya...eh nevermind. Jody comes home and finds the casket of Uncle Sam in his living room already. He tries to open it but his mom won't let him because she doesn't understand Jody's feelings when it comes to groping his dead uncle!
To further thicken the plot we meet Ralph, the dude who's trying to bang Jody's mom. I couldn't get a grasp on what his job was but it apparently involves screwing the government out of millions of dollars. Of course Jody don't like this guy and we're not suppose to either. We also shouldn't think too much of Sgt. Creepypants has he's on the phone with someone we never see or hear saying he only does this gig to get it on with the widows of soliders. He plans on getting it on with both Louise and Jody's mom, but then there's a mysterious knock on the door...

The next day is a memorial service for Sam and Jed, this old guy who told war stories to Sam which gave him the idea to go off to war to begin with, shows up. Jody finds out that Jed lost his leg in the war and now he wears a fake one. Hm, you'd think Tom Cruise would just give him vitamins and tell him to exercise and it'll grow back. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm being glib.

I know this whole thing sounds boring so far and you're right. It picks up when Jed and Jody have a little conversation on the porch. I dunno when Issac Hayes started acting but I think he wasn't trying very hard here cause he just suddenly gets in Jody's grill about not joining the army and that heroes are crazy people like Bernard Getz and soon he limps off. Jody walks in on Ralph talking about the war in Kuwait and tells him off. This gets him grounded for the week, so no 4th of July for you young man!!!

Then right exactly at midnight three teenagers are in a cemetary buring the American flag. This wakes Sam up and he steals back his medals from Jody and stares creepily at his sister. Then...a chick gets naked. Seriously, it just jumps like that. And outside the window is a guy in a Uncle Sam costume and on like 300 foot stilts. Apparently this guy does this thing every year cause the chick knows him by name as he makes his daring escape on the stilts. Our Sam is chasing Pervy Sam through a park until he hits a tree (WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE!) and soon Sam kills Pervy Sam and takes his costume and the Uncle Sam Mask to hide his hideously burnt face.
Now it's off to the cemetary where the teenagers are drinking, throwing cans around, and urniating on everything. Sam grabs one kid and burys him alive in Sam's own grave! How often do you get to do something like that? Then he hangs the second kid like a flag on a flag pole.

You know, so far the people Sam killed quite deserved it. I really can't say he's a bad guy or anything.
So the next day (July 4th the handy title card tells us) and people are gearing up for the parade. Mr. Krendall has taken the time to stop class to run the parade, but when one of the students loses the hachet and Krendall goes in to get it, well he meets Uncle Sam and finds the hachet all at the same time.

I guess Mr. Krendall isn't important to the parade cause it goes on without him. In his room, Jody becomes a rebel and sneaks off to the festivities.

Now comes the stupidest but goofiest moment ever. We're about 50 minutes into the movie and we're introduced to a whole new subplot. We meet Barry who's in a wheelchair and has half of his face burned off and is wearing ZZ Top glasses. We don't get the full story but I guess some fireworks went wrong and Barry got the raw end of that deal. Later it's said that it was from the fireworks display but Barry's bitchy ass mom makes it sound like it was the townspeople's fault.

And here's another subplot, some crooked congressman comes into town, but this subplot isn't anywhere near as interesting as the kid in the wheelchair. The Mayor starts things off and gets the third kid from the cemetary the night before to go on stage and sing the National Anthem. The kid does Roseanne proud by singing all off key and maybe a slight metal version?

Another funny moment is when Ralph is talking to Jed about the kid and says that Francis Scott Key is a one hit wonder. I guess that is true but if you watch Francis Scott Key: Behind The Music you'll see that coming up with another song was hard for him. Plus how do you top that, huh?

Oh! Did I mention that Sam goes up to Barry in broad daylight and starts groping his face saying "You know who I am" and "you want it" and weird stuff like that? I dunno what that was about, but don't worry cause all the slicing and dicin' is coming up.
We meet a somewhat hot chick who's working the ribs and she decides to get high. Deputy Noname catches her and her punishment is to serve the menfolk more ribs. She comes back to find her clever is missing. GOSH where ever could it be?

Then it's EXTREME POTATO SACK RACING! The teenager who sang badly earlier starts knocking people down and soon he falls down a hill and into a junk yard. Before asking Sanford and Son for help, he runs into Uncle Sam and the cleaver. Then for no reason I can think of, Sam licks the cleaver clean.
Then Jody's Mom finds Ralph dead in his Abraham Lincoln outfit ironically shot in the head. Everyone starts freaking out and Jody tells them that if Sam was alive he'd catch the murderer. Yeah cause if anyone can catch the killer is the killer himself. Just ask O.J Simpson. Anyway, Louise and Jody's Mom tell Jody the truth about Sam.

Sam was an abusive drunk asshole who beat them up constantly and pissed in pools, beat up old ladies, and farted on priceless paintings. And Jody's Mom actually say she was glad he married Louise so he'd have a new outlet for his anger. This made Louise feel much better, I'm sure. Jody at first doesn't believe these things, but what happens next convinces him.

They're about to start the fireworks display and they're looking around for the Congressman to start things off. Turns out he's strapped to the fireworks and Sam sets them off. And the townsfolks go OHH! AHH! while a man explodes in front of them. Deputy Noname goes to save him but ends up impaled on the American Flag. AND THE FLAG OPENS UP TOO!! WOW!!
Well this causes panic (at the disco) and soon we find out that Barry...is psychic!!! WHA?!?! So let me get this straight. In order to be psychic, you gotta get hurt by fireworks, get burned badly, lose your sight, end up in a wheelchair, and have a zombie grope you? Is that what happened to Miss Cleo?

So Barry knows it's Sam and tells Jody, who instantly believes it. Then Jed hops along (sorry I had to) and they tell Jed and after 5 minutes of horrible Issac Hayes acting, he believes them. But just to make sure, they head back to Jody's house to check the coffin. Inside the coffin is Sgt. Creepypants! When? How? What?? Eh...nevermind, I don't wanna think about it.

Barry uses his powers to deduce that Sam went to Louise's house so they all rush over there. While trying to call for the police, Jed runs into Sam and gets thrown through a plate glass window of sorts. Sam confronts Louise on getting it on with Deputy Noname, but she manages to escape when Jody confesses his undying love to Sam.

Well, ok, that was just to stall him while Jed goes to get the cannon he was seen with earlier. Jody has to get Sam outside, so to make things even more creepier, Jody grabs Sam's hand and declares to the world "We're gonna stay together!!" (I know I joke a lot but he really did say that in the movie.) When Jed lights the cannon, Jody jumps out of the way and BOOM!! goes Sam...and the house for the matter. Damn, what the hell is in those cannonballs? A-bombs?
Well, guess what? Fake! Sam is still alive but very much on fire now, so Jed has to load the cannon again, which takes about 5 minutes of screen time. This would give Jody plenty of time to get up from the ground and run away but I guess he forgot how to use his legs. Thankfully the cannon loads in time and sends Sam flying backwards 900 feet and the house asplode good this time. They all celebrate that they killed their first zombie.

Then we seque way to Jody in his backyard buring his toys. Um, ok? He's burning everything, including the game Battleship! Aw come on Jody, that's a fun game. That won't turn you into a killer asshole. When Mom comes out, Jody turns around and gives this real creepy smile that makes me think maybe in the sequel the killer is gonna be Jody. Or he's gonna be Donnie Darko. Whatever.
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Despite the premise of a guy in a Uncle Sam outfit killing people that aren't American enough for him, this is a boring film. The film has it's moments, like anytime Barry is on you can't help but laugh because of his sudden psychic powers and the fact that he was groped in broad daylight. Oh, and don't people miss other people in this town? Didn't anybody wonder what happened to the Pervy Sam or Krendall or the two teenage boys? And as I stated earlier, all the people Sam killed deserved it so was he really the bad guy?
Well, let's not think about that. Have a happy and safe Independence Day!! BOO ENGLAND!!
(Just kidding, English folks)
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