| Wedding Slashers It's A Nice Day For...Well, You Know. |
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| Jenna-Hot chick who appears to be cursed when it comes to having boyfriends. On her wedding day, her family decides to show up and kill everyone. Isn't that always the case? Alex-Jenna's future husband. Handles Jenna's "little secret" pretty well. Jenna's Family-Father played by Richard Lynch. A bunch of backward ass hicks who don't want Jenna to marry Alex. I get into why in the review. Jenna's Bridesmaids-Her friends & murder victims. Alex's Groomsment-His friends & murder victims. |
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| It's kinda funny how a horror movie took the title of a blockbuster hit (in this case "Wedding Crashers") and turned it so it fits the genre. Usually, only pornos do this type of thing. Such as "A Clockwork Orgy", "Forest Hump", and the timeless "Edward Penishhands". And yes, those really do exist. I would link you but if you don't believe me, you can just go Google yourself.
This delightful little film starts off "40 years ago" when a couple is on a road trip. They're leaving Kentucky to go to Vegas to get married. The dude Johnson (I'm guessing this is his first name, cause why would his Bride-To-Be call him by his last name, unless that some weird etiquette thing I never heard about) looks a whole lot like Denis Leary. Or William Defoe. Take your pick. Eventually, their car breaks down and Johnson is checking it out when a creepy mechanic comes by and offers to help. The Bride (as far as I know she wasn't given a name) is creeped out but Johnson thinks he's just a quiet nice guy. They go to the mechanics shop and the happy couple hear a struggle in another room. Johnson goes to check it out and there, he finds the mechanic's head has been chopped off. He's then knocked out. Johnson wakes up and finds him and his bride tied up. Some dude in a gas mask appears and talks about love and not knowing what love is, and he wants to know what love is and maybe someone will show him, then he cuts a bitch up. |
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| Oops, I somehow accidently put on "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". |
| "I'm either an asshole or The Green Goblin. Take your pick." |
| "No need to lose your he-" OW! Ok, guys, you didn't have to hit me. |
| "Why does everyone giggle when I introduce myself as 'The Gas Man'?" |
| We flash forward to "five years ago", or 35 years later I guess, and we see a pretty hot teenager running out of her house, to meet some dorky guy. They're going to prom but hot teenager chick doesn't want her family to see her leave. Later that night, they're in dorky guys car and Jenna, the hot teenager, asks the guy if he'll fuck her. He's like "Fuck yeah!" and starts to, when a masked figure holding a chainsaw (not Leatherface unfortunately) pulls dorky guy outs and kills him. Jenna just sits in the car and does nothing.
Now it's some undetermined time later and Jenna is an adult, talking to a super creepy therapist. She tells him that any guy she ever had the hots for ends up dead, starting with this little kid named Roddy, who got runned the fuck over one day. Jenna thinks she's cursed and is meant to never love someone ever again. Creepy therapist changes his mind on trying to seduce Jenna and just quickly bills her for his time. Now it's "yesterday" and Jenna and her boyfriend Alex are having their respective bachelor/bachelorette parties, both involving strippers. Both Jenna and Alex look all glum, despite having wangs and titties shoved in their faces. Jenna wants to leave Alex, and Alex suspects this. One of Alex's friend, named Elton I think (This is a super-indie film so the sound wasn't all the best) claims to be the one getting married, which gets him killed in the mens room. The killer overhears Alex talk about getting married and the killer is like "oh shit". Suddenly, it's a murderous episode of "Threes Company". I hope Mr. Roper don't find the body. Jenna shows up at Alex's place and she does in fact not wanna marry him, but Alex makes her change her mind and she's like "Oh alright" and end scene. |
| "More fan mail, Mr. Rowdy Piper." |
| Moving lacking a bit? Throw in a midget for no reason! You'll be glad you did. (The More You Know) |
| Now it's "The Wedding Day", and the first (or second I guess) victim of Jenna's wedding party is the priest, when some dude wearing goggles pulls out the priest's eye with a small clamp. Everyone eventually shows up to the church, all hung over as hell. Jenna is getting ready when she spots some big dude in a mask holding a knife outside her window. Instead of laughing her ass off at this, she goes "oh no! My family is here! The wedding is off!"
But too late. People start dying left and right. A pretty interesting scene occurs when Alex's Best Man (not sure if he had a name either) is locked in a closet and the only weapon he can find is a croquet mallet. He opens the door and starts wailing on the guy and this actually works. I was rooting for The Best Man until he gets a cleaver to the face. Jenna and Alex find each other and Jenna takes for-fucking-ever to explain what's going on. FINALLY she tells Alex this weird story. I won't get into the specifics cause the movie sure does. But the short version is this. And I'm not making this up. |
| Oh, don't be scared. The goggles do nothing. |
| "Why is there a wrestler outside?" |
| Jenna's family are all inbred hicks. They "keep it in the family" and breed with each other, then they arrange marriages to other family members. Jenna is the "weird one" of the group, which means she finds the whole thing odd and disgusting and escaped when she was to be married to her first cousin. So now the weirdos in the masks outside killing people are her entire family and they came to get her.
Alex is a bit disgusted but handles it. The same can't be said about one of Alex's friend who wants to kill Jenna, but Alex shoves a cleaver into his face, which gives us a pretty classic line: "If you ever have any doubts that I love you, just remember that I shoved a meat cleaver into the face of a guy I was friends with since the 5th grade." I wonder if Felicia will let me use that has a wedding vow. I'll have to ask her about that later. Anyway, the family finally catches up to Jenna and Jenna begs them not to kill Alex if she willfully goes with them. They knock Alex out and take Jenna. While hiking through the woods, Jenna makes constant fun of her cousin/future husband, even calling him Marty Feldman from "Young Frankenstein". Alex wakes up and realizes what he must do! To get the woman he loves, he must kill any backwards incest hick he comes across! The first two he finds, they talk about "Gorillas In The Mist". Man, I never met a hillbilly family that was so into movies. Maybe not ALL stereotypes are true. Alex plows through hick family members, until he gets to "The Baby" of the family, who is really just a 500 pound gay man. He's like The Landlord from "Alice Sweet Alice". He's also the wrestler guy that appeared outside Jenna's window. A battle royale takes place between The Baby and Alex, but Alex gets the upper hand. His celebration is cut short when Mama appears. Jenna is reunited with her father and, holy shit he's played by Richard Lynch. I'm not sure if any of you guys are familiar with his work, but he's in plenty of bad movies. And I do mean plenty. Anyway, Jenna's Father starts talking all creepy like (Which is what Richard Lynch is good for) and makes it sound like he wants to get it on with Jenna right then and there. Ugh, I feel dirty. It's one thing to hear just stories about it, but to actually see it happen in front of you, its another thing. |
| Oddly enough, this isn't the most creepy Richard Lynch can get. |
| Mama brings Alex to this little cabin that they want Jenna and her cousin to get married in and Alex finally meets the dad. We then find out that Mama is also Jenna's sister and now I'm just fuckin' confused. Thank god I didn't see a dog in this group otherwise I'll have to just burn this movie, my computer, and then my brain.
Alex manages to get his hands on an ax and swings it into mama/sister's head. Jenna then takes it upon herself to kill Daddy/Lord Only Knows How Else They're Related. Both Alex and Jenna walk out, soaked in blood, and they are happily reunited. And unless there's a sequel in the making, they lived happily ever after. Oh, you probably wanna know what Johnson and that chick had to do with any of this. To be honest, I have no fuckin' clue. Jenna mentions that "awhile ago" someone from the family tried to go to Vegas but a family member found them. But that don't really make sense cause the family members don't kill their own, just the people outside the family. Yet Gas Mask Guy killed both Johnson and the bride. I think. Ugh, I'm not watching this again. If you watch this movie, let me know, ok? |
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| As I stated, this movie is super-indie, despite having Richard Lynch in the cast. I'm guessing some dude who knows Richard came up with the idea and Richard said "I'll help", and help he did. Cause you know, the story of a inbred hillbilly family who kills people OUTSIDE their family MUST be told, dammit!
But overall, the movie has it's moments of humor. And if you can get past all the creepy incest stuff, you should be able to just watch this movie, laugh at the bad jokes and the gore, and have a good time with it. I recommend this movie! Not...you know...the incest stuff...I mean if any of you guys are into that....wait... I'm gonna shut up now. |
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