Billy Jack
WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Billy Jack-Played by Tom Laughlin. Vietnam vet who's part Indian. He now roams the desert and when hippies are in trouble, he's there to kick some ass.
Jean -Ugly chick who runs the "Freedom School" (that's really what it's called). She's such a hardcore pacifist that when she gets raped, she refused to do anything about it. Ick.
Sheriff Cole-This guy's pretty ok, but he can be kind of an idiot also.
Mike-The Deputy who's the bad cop to Cole's good cop.
Barbara-Mike's daughter, who runs away, gets pregnant, gets beaten by dear ol' Dad, then hides out at the "Freedom School.”
Martin-Indian kid who is constantly picked on by the evil "townspeople.”
Mr. Posner-Super evil rich white guy who likes to shoot horses and beat up on hippies and/or Indians.
Bernard-Posner's son, who is such a pussy he takes his frustrations out on Martin. A lot.
Other hippies and/or Indians-All residents of Jeans "Freedom School.” They're the most annoying bunch of people you'll ever see on film. And one of them is a very young Howard Hesseman AKA Johnny Fever from "WKRP In Cincinnati.”
I know that majority of the population on Earth hates hippies with a passion. Me, as long as they don't bother me or come to my backyard and have mud fights in my garden, I'm cool with them. But then I saw "Billy Jack,” a movie made by hippies for hippies and I have to say that I can now see where everyone is coming from.

"Billy Jack" was written by Laughlin and Taylor, but they used the fake names "Frank & Teresa Christine.” And Laughlin directed it by using the pseudonym "T.C Frank.” See what he did there? Clever, Mr. Laughlin. No wonder he thought he could try to run for President back in 2004.

I'm not for sure what message Laughlin and Taylor were trying to present to us via "Billy Jack.” That white people are really evil? That rich white people are evil? That people can look white but be considered Indian? That you don't really need good actors, good writing, or a plot to make a two and a half hour movie? Yes, this movie is two and a half hours. And as you'll see, the movie could've easily had been condensed into an hour, tops.

You'll have to excuse me if I don't go into extreme details about the movie. Frankly, I was going to write a detailed review, but when I was on like page 25 and I saw I was only about half an hour into the movie, I decided to scrap that idea and just give you the basic underlying evil that this movie has.

Sheriff Cole goes to Mike's house to tell him they found his daughter and he can go pick her up. Mike says he can't, he's going hunting with Posner. My, what a loving father. He can't pick up his only daughter because he has to kill some horses to sell to a dog food company. Cole asks how much the dog food company is asking and Mike says six cents a pound. When asked why, Cole says, "Oh nothing. Just wondered if Barbara would think it was worth it." PWNED!!!
Well, no not really. It just sounds like they're landing. It's actually Billy Jack's theme song. He comes in and tells the evil rich white guys they're trespassing on Indian land and killing horses is also illegal. Billy then shows off by firing a warning shot out of nowhere and tells them to mosey. Once gone, he frees the horses. Billy Jack IS The Horse Liberator!!

Back at Mike's, Barbara shows up and informs dear old Dad that not only does she have every form of hepatitis, but that she's also pregnant. And to further piss off Mike, she says she doesn't know if the kid is gonna be white, black, red, brown, or green. To show how much Mike still loves his daughter, he beats her.

Sometime later, and no I don't know how much later, the movie refuses to tell me no matter how much I demand, Barbara is passed out in some field. I guess poppies will make her sleep. Billy Jack finds her and takes her to the doctor. There, he says that the baby is ok, but another beating and she'll lose it. So they decide to hide her from Mike by taking her to Jean's "Freedom School.”

Here, the movie starts to nose dive. We get a tour of the school, like it's a promo video, showing the various things students do. They paint, make films (hopefully much better then this one), and finally they, oh god...performs improv.

I like improv, don't get me wrong. But THIS kind of Improv is so god damn annoying I felt like finding Drew Carey and kicking his ass. Even though this was made when he was probably in diapers, I still take my frustrations out on him.

We get just one of many, many MANY improv scenes to come where Barbara introduces herself and joins in on an improv class. We watch the improv for a good five minutes, realizing none of this is any good or funny. Then we get to a more annoying scene in the movie: SINGING!!

In what looks like a high school cafeteria, people go on stage to sing. They practically force this poor little girl to go up and sing her song. So she does and it's a lovely melody about how she found out her brother died. Aww...
During this scene, Martin comes up to Billy Jack, who looks completely bored by the way (I'm with ya, pal...but this is your movie JACKASS), and asks if he can be his apprentice. Hey! Go bother Trump with that! But Billy says no, he's not ready.

We get more singing as a girl sings "Where is Billy?" Well, if you put the damn guitar down and look out your window, you'll find him!! ARRRGH!!! Anyway, he's talking to Jean, who's concerned about the kids going into town the next day, because the townspeople hate them all. So...why go to town? Well, they go to town so we can hit on a plot point: that the white people don't like hippies and/or Indians.

So they go into town and Bernard and his gang is there, watching the hippies do terrible things to their town like walking, breathing, and demand ice cream. The guy who runs the ice cream store refuses to serve them. Then Bernard steps in and pours flour on all the Indian/hippies. Seriously. Flour. At the mention of a hippie getting abused, Billy Jack appears.
This scene is funny only because of how Billy Jack talks during it. Seriously, he goes, "(LONG ASS SIGH) Ber-nerd." Yes, Ber-nerd. Not Ber-nard. Ber-nerd. Then he starts to take his shoes off. He does a long ass sigh again, and says it's a shame the kids have to grow up with the ugly memory of Ber-nerd pouring flour on them. So he gives them an even more awful memory: he kicks Ber-nerd's ass.

But Billy Jack doesn't get by unharmed. Ber-nerd calls up all the evil rich white people in town to UNITE! and they proceed to kick Billy Jack's ass. Finally, Cole steps in and breaks it up. He was probably watching this for a good five minutes.

Then, the pace of the movie grinds to a halt. We get some pointless scenes of kids riding horses and Jean telling them how to ride them. Then out of nowhere, Mike, Ber-nerd, and Posner are at the school with Cole, looking for Barbara. Conveniently, Billy Jack took her already. While they look for her, we get another fuckin' song. ARRGH! Make it stop, God. Please?

We see Billy Jack take Barbara with him to, wherever it is he chills at, and there is some creepy looking Indian dude just sitting there. Thanks, Billy. And then...

A COUNCIL MEETING!! WOO!! Cause you should end your first act with a heart pounding council meeting. Yee-haw! And this...drags...on...for...FUCKING...ever!!! You know, if it wasn't for the cast appearing, I would've thought they filmed a real council meeting. The WHOLE point of the meeting is if Jean and her school should be allowed into the town without anyone picking on them. Oh and Posner is on this council, so you know things are as fair and balanced as the Fox Network. After arguing for several minutes, Jean suggests that people on the council check out the school to see that they're not bad folks. They agree, so we get...
Aw fuck. More improv. With Howard Hesseman in fact. This REALLY goes on for a long time. Like, about 20 minutes. And it's so boring and not funny I won't even say what it was about. Just know that the council agrees that the school isn't bad and they should put on an improv show to show the town that they're not bad. Or to torture the townspeople for messing with them. Whatever.

We go back to our story, yes we had a story. Remember Barbara? She's still at Billy Jack's...whatever. And he's getting ready to fight a snake. This doesn't make much sense, but accordingly, it's an Indian thing, so you wouldn't understand. We watch Billy fight the snake for a gripping ten minutes. Then he claims he's God.

While Billy is being God, Ber-nerd is watching this from a gun with a high-powered telescope on it. He makes idle threats that he could shoot him from where he is, but doesn't cause he's a pussy. Then Barney The Dinosaur spots Barbara hanging out with Martin. Somehow, Ber-nerd is able to take pictures of this.

Then we get an annoying subplot where Martin does all of the following:

A-Admits he's in love with Barbara, but won't date her because she's too easy.
B-Constantly gets beaten up and picked on by Ber-nerd, Dinosaur, Posner, and Mike, all in different scenes.
C-Wets his pants during scenes A&B.

The night of the big "show" for the townspeople is here and while Martin goes to check on something, he's kidnapped, along with some girl who's only wearing panties, fishnet stockings, and a plaid shirt that Eddie Vedder would be proud to own. I can't imagine what her role in the "show" was. Anyway, Ber-nerd and Mike demand to know where Barbara is, but they swear they don't know and Billy, of course, comes along and saves their asses yet again.

Somewhere in the midst of my brain shutting down, we then get treated to the most wonderful scene in the history of cinema: Ber-nerd rapes Jean. Yes. I think I cried, but not because of Jean. This baffles my mind so much, then it gets worse when the girl with the fishnet stockings finds her and Jean makes her swear that she won't tell Billy, for some un-Godly reason. While this was happening, Barbara was riding a horse and she pulls a-ok, I won't make this worst by using a tasteless Christopher Reeve joke. Anyway, she falls off the horse and as a result loses the baby.
At the hospital, Billy says he knows about the rape, because he's God, remember, so he goes out to kick some ass, which I guess is the reason why Jean didn't want him to know.

Billy goes after Ber-nerd, who's, man I don't wanna type this sentence. Why you making me type this sentence, movie? ARRGH, ok....
Ber-nerd was having sex with a 13-year-old girl. BLAH BLAH!! I feel so dirty. I need to scrub my computer after this review. Anyway, Billy jabs him in the Adam's Apple, and this kills Ber-nerd. If the entire movie was just that, it would automatically be a thousand times cooler.

Next, he goes after Posner, who I think my brain blacked out being killed, but I think he did. Then after shooting Mike, Cole has no choice but to arrest Billy. So Billy and Barbara, who tagged along for no reason, hide out in some church.

And this lasts for about 45 minutes. I swear, it's just Billy and Barbara yakking away in the church about crap, every five minutes, Jean, Cole, and the doctor take turns coming in to talk to them both. An amusing thing, though, is Jean asks Barbara, "Will you go out with me?" where Barbara responds, "NO!!!" I know Jean meant out of the church, but considering she looks like an ugly lesbian, it's funny. Damn it, find it funny!!

So somehow, a shootout occurs, because, I dunno, somebody on set was bored, and Barbara gets shot, so she gets taken out. Fifteen more minutes of Billy just by himself, talking to Jean about crap that really isn't important. Then he decides to surrender himself because Jean is boring the fuck out of him. So Cole takes him in custody and as they drive away, the hippie song from the beginning is played and all of Billy Jack's supporters give him the black power salute. Right on!
Oh thank you God, it's over!! YES!!! Somehow we all survived. And if you made it this far, I thank you for your patience. However, I hope you enjoy this because I had to watch this five freakin times, people. My brain will never recover.
Do I really need to give an overall impression of this movie? No. Let's just end it. And go ahead and hate your neighbors, go ahead and cheat a friend. Cuz one tin solider...rides away!
Read The Reviews!
OHHHS!! I HATES THAT BILLY JACK!
It's hard to take him seriously with that stupid hat on.
"Oh and my father got runned over also....la la la la...."
"Umm...bless you, Kate Moss."
Whoa....it's Johnny Fever. And...he's not being funny.
Would you rape her?
This was during the lesser known "Fists Across America".
The credits start up and we get the hippiest song ever written. During the song and credits, we see Posner, Mike, and other evil white men, ironically on horses, guiding horses through what looks like The Grand Canyon. From certain angles, it looks like they're shoving the horses down the canyon, which had me wondering if maybe I accidently got a film by PETA on the cruelty of animals. Hell, I'd prefer to watch that instead.

The credits and song end and the horses are heading toward a corral. Waiting is Bernard and his friend Dinosaur. Yes Dinosaur, because he's big. And dumb. And a meteor could, at any minute, kill him. To show early on that Bernard is a pussy, he refused to open the gates to the corral, so Barney The Dinosaur does it.

Then a big argument between Bernard and Posner takes place while the other evil rich white men sit on their horses uncomfortably. Posner wants Bernard to shoot the horses, but he refuses. So he tells Mike to do it. Just as he's about to do it, aliens land.
"Well, I tell ya pilgrim, I don't really care cause I'm The Duke!"
If you ever wondered what evil rich white men do in their spare time, here's your answer: throw horses down The Grand Canyon.
How did they not get Brian Dennehy for this role?
Why did Mike turn into a 1950's greaser?
When the extras are getting bored, you know you have a boring ass movie on your hands.
"It's such a good feeling, to know you're about to kick ass! It's such a happy feeling you're gonna die!"
"Help! Billy Jack had me locked up herefor 20 years!!"
C-SPAN: The Movie
"I've had it with these motherfuckin snakes on my motherfuckin' moccasins!"
Emperor Billy Jack!
I hate when robbers try to steal my deodorant...while it's on my body.
Although it's lame and it's during a not-so-great scene, here's your Boobie Shot.
Hm. Maybe there is something sexy about women with guns.