Lifeforce
Four Words: Naked Alien Vampire Chick
Col. Carlsen-Leader of a space expetition where he finds naked people As a result, he starts all the trouble. But he falls for The Naked Chick, so all is forgiven.
Col. Caine-Super cool secret agent guy who's trying to figure out what the hell is going on around him..
Dr. Fallada-Old guy who's figuring out where The Naked Chicks and her Two Friends came from. Is so obsessed with death that he might as well be emo.
Sir Percy-As you can tell by his name, he's not the manlyest men.
Dr. Armstrong-Played by Patrick Stewart. The head of a insane asylum where The Naked Chick decides to hide out for a moment. In a long convoluted way, she ends up possessing him, which leads to a rather uncomfortable scene.
The Naked Chick-Alien vampire-like chick from outer space. As you can tell, is naked about 90% of the time. Carlsen makes out with her. A LOT!
The Naked Chick's Two Friends-They're vampire-like guys, but they're not as interesting.
Here is the long awaited update to this review. I would've gotten to it sooner, seeing as it's a movie where a chick is naked almost the entire time and why in God's name have I not gotten any screen images yet? The only reason I'm even updating this review is thanks to Madam Stacie over at Final Girl, as "Lifeforce" is the latest Film Club pick over at her blog.

While watching this movie again, I'm shocked, SHOCKED!, to find out that my opinion about the movie overall has changed since I last saw it two and a half years ago. I seem to understand what was going on and I seem to appreciate the special effects, the good and the bad, and the story. This time around, I didn't find it confusing or stupid. Sure, there were some unintentional hilarious moments, and a bunch of uncomfortable moments, but I kinda respect this movie now. Well played, Mr. Tobe Hooper. Well played.

This movie was made during the big Halley's Comet craze that was going on back in the 80's, as the main plot of this movie focuses on it. A spaceship, The Churchill, is sent up to investigate the comet all up close and personal. Carlsen is in charge of this whole operation.

While there, they find a weird thing attached to the comet. Carlsen and some other people go out and check it out and inside they find some old dead bat-thingys and three human looking people, two dudes and a chick, completely butt naked, inside some container. Carlsen decides to bring them back for masterbatory reasons.
Fantastic Voyage 2: This Time It's A Colonoscopy!
Now we know why Superman likes to spend so much time in that "Fortress of Solitude".
When no one heard from this ship in a few weeks, another ship is sent up to investigate. They find the ship is destroyed and the only thing left in tact are the three naked bodies in the containers. They stupidly bring them to Earth.

Naturally, they start to investigate The Naked Chick first. I mean, wouldn't you? A doctor is doing this when she comes to life and starts to suck his "lifeforce" out. According to Fallada, who knows things about naked alien vampire chicks somehow, this is how she feeds. She escapes by doing a kickass impression of The Emperor from "Star Wars" by shooting blue lighting from her hands and blowing up the place.

Later, they're about to do an autopsy on one of the guys The Naked Chick killed when he comes to life and starts sucking the force out of another guy. The first guy comes completely back to life, but the only thing he can say is "AHHHHH!!! AHHHHHH!!!! AHHH!!!!!" They must show nothing but Vin Diesel movies in the afterlife. After two hours, both guys crumple into a pile of ash when they aren't given any "lifeforce" to feed from.
This is what it would've looked like if I reviewed "2001: A Space Odyssey".
Gratutitious Boobie Shot #1
The Erotic Adventures of Doctor Who
Gratutitious Boobie Shot #2
Good to see John Carradine still getting work.
Nothing I can say can add to this picture. Just enjoy.
This is where Caine comes in. He's like the British Jack Bauer, except instead of "Dammit!" he says "Tea & Crumpets" or whatever the hell British people say when they swear. Anyway, he's some super special op's guy who's trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. Plus I'm sure he heard some naked chick is running around and he wanted in on that action.

So basically, what we have here are alien vampires. This is a pretty neat way to tell a vampire story, I must say. This is one of the things I somehow missed the first few times watching this movie. Man, my younger self is the biggest idiot I know.

A dead drained naked chick is found in a park and sure enough, she comes back to life, but turns to dust when she isn't instantly fed. Before Caine can start shooting knee caps, they get a report that one of Churchill's escape pods landed in Texas. Hey! There was a chainsaw massacre there!

Inside the pod is Carlsen and he meets with Caine, Fallada, and this other dude that isn't really important cause he vanishes after this scene and tells them the story of what happened on board after finding the naked vampires.

Long story short, everyone on board began dying due to lack of "lifeforce" and only Carlsen is left. When he sees they reached Earth, he decides to torch the place in hopes the naked vampires die and aren't bought back to Earth. Well, as we've seen, that didn't really work out, now did it?

Later, Carlsen realizes he has a psychic bond with Naked Chick and under hypnosis, he's able to tell Caine, Fallada, and Sir Percy, who decided to join in out of nowhere, where Naked Chick is. She can now possess people and is possessing a chick named Ellen. After hitching a ride with some old dude, she goes on to start her own talk show where she dances around all crazy like.
Gratutitious Boobie Shot Covered In Cherry Kool-Aid #1
"No thanks Ma'am. I already had tuna for lunch."
Ok, no. Ellen is a nurse at some insane asylum, so Carlsen, Caine, and Percy go and talk with Captain Picard! They find Ellen and Carlsen creeps her out by beating the shit out of her and just saying "You're in there!!!" over and over. Something happens, I'm not sure what. But this causes Ellen to pass out and Carlsen asks to talk to Picard.

Turns out Naked Chick is now possessing Picard! So they drug him up and make him confess that Kirk was better! Carlsen, who is falling head over heels in love with Naked Chick, gets confused and in the most disturbing scene ever, he kisses Patrick Stewart.

Excuse me, I'm gonna go buy a gun to get that image out of my head.

Gr, damn waiting period. Let's press on.

Here, the movie switches gears and it decides, kinda out of nowhere, to become a zombie flick. On a helicopter ride back, they have Dr. Armstrong (See I stopped calling him Picard) tied up, but soon enough, he throws up some blood, which turns into the image of Naked Chick and she vanishes.
Nothing I can say can add to this picture. Just enjoy: Part 3
Nothing I can say can add to this picture. Just enjoy: Part 2
Fallada calls them and tells them that he killed the male vampires (remember them? They're not really used too much in the movie), but this all happened off screen. Or maybe it was a deleted scene, which doesn't make sense cause it's a key plot point, but whatever. I'm not Tobe Hooper. If I was, I'd be in three feet deep of pussy, probably.

Ok anyway, the vampires can be killed with an iron sword, kinda like an updated version of a wooden stake. Soon, everyone in London are zombies and the entire city is under martial law. The military wants to nuke the fuck out of London cause that's their answer to everything. Carlsen knows he can stop this if only he can get some sweet alien nookie.

So Carlsen takes off, with Caine following him. Caine stops off at Fallada's, who's now slowly becoming a zombie somehow but is stopped when Caine shoots him. Carlsen arrives at some church where Naked Chick is at, just soaking in all the lifeforce of all the people that are being zombified in London. Naked Chick wants to bone Carlsen and Carlsen is like "Fuck yeah!" and immediately gets naked.

Caine shows up and decides to become a pervert and just watches. Carlsen realizes this is all wrong and asks for the iron sword, where he kills Naked Chick and himself. Did this stop the alien vampires and restore all the dead people in London? Umm...I don't know.
Gratutitious, but Artsy, Boobie Shot #3
Something about this reminds me of Liv Tyler in "Lord of the Rings", even though I never saw that. And boo that she put on clothes!
If Michael Bay directed "The Sound of Music".
You know, this is kind of a weird movie.
I do know everything went from blue to red and Naked Chick and Carlsen fly up to the vampire spaceship and the ship just kinda flies away. So...to all the people that died in London just now, they think Heaven, or Hell, is a spaceship floating around in space. Somehow, I think I can live with that.
Read The Reviews!
Like I said, my opinion about this movie changed over the years. It's not as bad as I thought it was. It's not great either. But I respect it. When the dead people came back, that looked cool, but I think they used up their budget on those effects cause when it came time for Patrick Stewart to throw up blood, it looked like Tobe Hooper asked a 3rd grade art class to make a paper mache version of Patrick Stewart and slightly painted it pink, then put a suit on it. But whatever. It's got a hot naked chick walking around all naked like. What's not to love?